I am sixteen, ⁣
walking down winnie in the middle of summer⁣
heat waving thick fingers in the air, taunting ⁣
I am wearing sweatpants and a hoodie ⁣
all my layers of self and self defeating comfort eating are not enough to cover me ⁣
I have the hood pulled over my hair ⁣
*****, too short, uncared for⁣
⁣
I am carrying a novel, something cheap and badly written ⁣
a friend from school passes by me, waves, I turn away ⁣
pretend I don't see them ⁣
I stuff my hands in the soft pockets, grab a handful of hip meat, it feels like that scene in Lord of the Rings where juice runs down the chin of a false king⁣
⁣
⁣
I wear anxiety heavy around my face, I don't recognize myself without it⁣
but depression is not a word I can touch⁣
it doesn't fit me ⁣
it doesn't belong in my charismatic vocabulary ⁣
I don't know that I am drowning ⁣
⁣
wet mouth smacking and finger tapping make me feel like my mind is an experimental horror film ⁣
how are small sounds so loud? ⁣
how do they crawl into my ear canal like an animorph alien? ⁣
I was always so afraid of those books ⁣
and the sounds outside of our tent when my brother read them to me ⁣
I am so afraid of everything ⁣
⁣
I am sixteen ⁣
It's 98 degrees outside ⁣
and I am walking down the street in three layers of winter gear ⁣
and fear ⁣
and self hatred ⁣
and I cannot identify it ⁣
I don't know that I will be beautiful ⁣
I don't know that I already am ⁣
I don't know that my hands will pick wildflowers out of words ⁣
and that my life will be a practice of arranging bouquets for kitchen tables ⁣
I don't know that my hair will be long and easy to twirl around one finger, without thinking about the action ⁣
actions won't always feel like eyes watching me in and of themselves ⁣
⁣
I don't know that I will pull on jeans without thinking about the way they don't lay flat against me ⁣
I don't know that curves can be custard on the tip of a finger, sweet and nostalgic tapioca, ⁣
gritty and dimpled and perfect for sundays⁣
and mine and plenty ⁣
and pretty ⁣
⁣
I don't know that I will be beautiful ⁣
I don't know that I already am ⁣
⁣

We were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could touch us

Invincible as we ran through the field at recess
We swore we were the
Fastest
The quickest

We grew up together?
No.
we grew apart together.

held hands with my best friends
In 6th grade
Making a pact that neither of us would do drugs

But it's three in the morning
And I'm smoking my second bowl at the beach.

Traded my Capri sun for a cup of lean

We run from the cops because we still swear we're the
Fastest

The quickest

We still think we're untouchable

Even as we walk through these halls sleep deprived

Nobody knows what happened last night

We wish we didn't know what happened that night

We refuse to acknowledge the events of that night

We won't even manage to look at each other in the eye

When they ask who's at fault
We repeat
Not I
Not I

So what does this mean for us?

Is this what we were so excited for?
Is this the moment we were so impatient for?

I couldn't wait to grow up

Now we're in the bathroom throwing up

These drugs we refuse to give up

I'm lost in a life that I was not prepared for

It's not like I didn't have a plan

In fact,

We had a plan

V was going to be a teacher
J was was going to be a fire fighter
N was going to be a power ranger
don't know how but we were five and everything seemed possible

And I
well
I wanted to change the world

But you know things happen

People change

V is having a baby
J is moving dope
N is six feet under

And I?
Well,
I'm trying really hard to keep it together

after that night we were just not the same

We lost ourselves
Just not the memory of that night
Unfortunately

Some parts I remember more  vividly

My skin feels *****
Just remembering

I know you felt guilty
And I have to admit that
For a long time
I hated all of you

But never as much as I hated myself
For losing control

For not finding the words to say
No

For thinking that maybe,

That maybe if I drank enough
I could drown the voices in my head telling me to **** myself

I wasn't satisfied with my life
I'm still not satisfied with my life
No matter how much alcohol I drink
No matter how much I fill my lungs with smoke
It won't ever fill this empty void.

Everyone was laughing and dancing downstairs.

But I felt sick.

He said he would help me feel better.

He was my friend.

My body felt heavy I just wanted to lie down.

I could smell the tequila on his breath as he whispered

"Trust me".

I closed my eyes in hopes that he would stop.

He said
"Don't worry, I've done this before"

My voice was gone
I stayed there in silence

He left to the bathroom
I left his bedroom
Stumbling
Crying

He almost got what he wanted
And nobody helped me

Instead,
We tried pretending that nothing had happened

We all blamed each other

Best friends forever
But
No longer together

I'm done pretending that nothing happened
I'm done making up excuses as to why I freeze up when I'm touched at times
I'm done staying quiet

But I want you to know that
I'm done being angry
It wasn't your fault
I shouldn't have blamed you

And despite everything,
I forgive him too.

I remember back when were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could ever touch us.

Back when we were

invincible.

First War of 2010

There was something wrong
Of that I was sure all along.
Not cause I liked Wii more than dolls
Was something far deeper than those.

Three dates with him and no sparks flew
But a glance from her-Oh! I just knew.
Longings of the heart, the unfamiliar racings
Why to her when it should be for him?

Monster of guilt is stabbing the last of my peace.
Meeting her glance is tearing my soul by piece.
The mind knows better-the right from wrongs
Only the heart knows to whom it truly belongs.

The violent war wages between heart and mind,
Will the anguish of the way be worth the find?
But to be me, if this cross I should forever bear,
I still choose my heart over mind to care.

I choose ME until the end.

I often wish that I was still a child.
So many things change when we grow up.
Innocence becomes lost,
days become shorter,
the nighttime still scares me,
playing house becomes a game of survival,
boys become men, men become frightening,
I become sad, worried, anxious, and self-aware,
friends will lose their half of the necklace or their friendship ring,
being loved by someone will determine my worth,
I no longer feel small next to the kitchen counter,
but in the presence of everyone around me,
“Forever” loses its meaning,
everyone will eventually leave,
death is no longer a myth,
I will not smile as often as I did,
I will not cry as little as I did,
I will not feel safe in school anymore,
I will not go outside and play anymore,
I will try and pick the imperfections off of
my skin until it is red and bleeding,
**** in my stomach whenever I walk,
work myself into exhaustion,
feel overwhelmed by every task,
have anxiety attacks in public places,
and wish that I was a child again.

Wash
                                                  "I will"
Change your underwear
                                                  "I have"
Be grateful
                                                  "I am"
OK, then
I love you
                                                  "I love you, too"

Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterwards (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback. I will be building my Author page tonight (12/21/2018) and my website finished first thing Monday!

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!

                                Big, Biggest Love,

                                               Jeff Gaines

I'm not what I once was
A sea of change and pain
The smiles that follow a new touch
A whisper of time gone by
And all that's new I was gone
As smiles of old now die

I'm not what I once was
A whole to be filled
In the light that was my life
An age stretches out before us
A line drawn in the sand of time
Don't talk or fuss or touch

I am now anew
Reborn from the ashes, rising
The dust has settled the ash is laid
A step across the sand of time
I'm not what I once was

Philosophers, poets, and parents alike
Will advise you
to stay focused on the future
To not stand rooted
with one foot in the past

But how can I walk forward
When I am anchored to the ground
Drowning in my anxieties and doubts?

Guarding my heart and head
Like a snake slithering around it’s nest
One wrong step or misplaced sound
And the vicious bite
will take my life

So I bury my head in old photo albums,
re-read books that once made me feel free,
And wash my sheets every Sunday
So that the smell of lavender and linen
never leaves my skin

Then I wonder to myself
Why Christmas doesn’t warm my heart anymore
Or why the water at our lakes edge
for once in my life Feels cold
why I don’t
laugh as much as I used to

I trouble my mind so much
That I have to distract myself
Just to stop worrying about wasted time
And to rid the recurring realization
That at this moment I am oldest I have ever been
And the youngest I will ever be

When did getting older become so complicated?
When did it start to feel  suffocating
Instead of liberating.