everyone wants to be
EXTRAORDINARY.

significant
glorified
and memorable

I would be lying to you
If I told you I was any different

though lately,
I've been thinking a lot about
SAFETY.

how swallowing your
electric individuality
and concealing your
perfect imperfections
hurts less.

because when you are

silent
submissive
and forgettable

you don't need to worry
about people taking
more of you
then you want to give.

they don't want it anymore.

time is always moving forward
and everything  changes
but what is meant to remain consistent
is still unclear.

I’ve always seen the world
Through rose-colored glasses
Teal glitter
Sunflowers and Baby’s Breath-
Something happy
Unflawed
And beautiful

Then you died.

The rosy lens shattered
Piercing my eyes
Drawing blood and tears,
Scouring the oceanic glitter
Staining the flowers
Forcing them to wilt.

Killing them as you were killed.

Gutting me of every sense
Of security I possessed
Clogging my veins
And fraying my nerves
Until I was so devoid of sensation
And stripped down
I became empty and numb

except
the numbness wasn’t terrible
It was bearable-
Comfortable and safe
Sustainable and sustaining
I fell in and out of love,
pushed myself harder than usual,
Isolated myself  
I didn’t care that was painful-
At least I could hurt
In a less tragic
And obvious way.

And to keep you with me?

I pulled all the photos of us
Out of the dusty album
That lives in our basement-
the pictures began to leave
The ghostly scent
of flowers on my skin

I re-read old letters, cards, and texts
Called your phone even though I knew
You wouldn’t answer-
I found specks of dusty blue glitter
Accumulating in the corners of my room
Between bed sheets
and at the bottom of my bathtub

Then I cried
When no one was there
When it hurt the most to miss you
When I wouldn’t cause a scene-
The tears washed my eyes raw
But that rosy hue
Never returned

through this shattering
through this torture
through this tragedy

I began to realize what it meant
To love someone
And not realize how centra
l they are to your life
Until they’re not here anymore
They can’t hug you
and tell you its going to be okay
You won’t ever see them smile
You will never be able to them you love them
And hear them say it back.

They are gone.
And you can’t do anything about it.

Philosophers, poets, and parents alike
Will advise you
to stay focused on the future
To not stand rooted
with one foot in the past

But how can I walk forward
When I am anchored to the ground
Drowning in my anxieties and doubts?

Guarding my heart and head
Like a snake slithering around it’s nest
One wrong step or misplaced sound
And the vicious bite
will take my life

So I bury my head in old photo albums,
re-read books that once made me feel free,
And wash my sheets every Sunday
So that the smell of lavender and linen
never leaves my skin

Then I wonder to myself
Why Christmas doesn’t warm my heart anymore
Or why the water at our lakes edge
for once in my life Feels cold
why I don’t
laugh as much as I used to

I trouble my mind so much
That I have to distract myself
Just to stop worrying about wasted time
And to rid the recurring realization
That at this moment I am oldest I have ever been
And the youngest I will ever be

When did getting older become so complicated?
When did it start to feel  suffocating
Instead of liberating.

I don't want flowers or jewelry
I don't want to remember you through material objects that will wilt or get lost
I don't want temporary.
I crave something meaningful
Something permanent

So
Show me your deepest fears
Bear to me your soul
Complete with every
Crack
fracture
And microscopic imperfection
Tell me about
Your weirdest obsessions
Your favorite stories
Explain  your scars
Both visceral
And visual
Tell me everything
wishes and dreams
Anxieties
qualities about yourself
that make you wonder
if you could ever be loved.
the quirks that you fear others will deem bothersome.

And I swear to you, with every pure intention in my heart.

There's no possible way I won't think it's beautiful.

And she was a storm,
I get it now.
She was a thunderstorm.
Wild and beautiful
Unpredictable
You were drawn to her nature.
And she was all you could see.
And all that you could comprehend.
But I was just the wind.
I was fleeting
You didn't pay attention to me.
You just let me blow away.
I wasn't beautiful or intriguing.
I wasn't there long enough
But I understand now.
I get it.
You didn't want the wind.
It was only a small portion of what you wanted
You wanted the rain
And the thunder
Electrifying your lips
And Soaking your shirt.
You wanted to feel something.
And the wind just wasn't enough.
I still miss you.
But I understand now.
And I can live with it now.
I can live with your absence.
And I know
That one day
I'll find someone who sees a hurricane in me
And they will see everything in me
That you saw in her.
And now?
I am okay.
And I am happy.
Because I can look forward to the future.
And not dwell in the past.
I will always love you.
But I refuse to dwell on you.
I won't.
Because I'm more than what you see.
I know it.
And you will not define who I am.
No one will.