I was a puppet and you were my master
pulling my strings and controlling my acts, I was set up for disaster.
You moulded my identity and sense of self with your foul abuse,
every day that you'd force yourself upon me was a fight I'd always lose.
You took from me my individuality and my innocence too
and placed despondency in its place with my childhood falling through
but I am not fully broken and you no longer have control over me
and I am rebuilding myself back up and better I will be.

Man from the couch
Looking for me
Shrinking my presence
Wishing I could flee

No place to hide
Hearing his footsteps
Looking for pleasure
In the form of ***

There’s a horrible monster
Outside my door
Always circling
Coming back for more

A haunting game
Of procrastination
Every slight noise probes
My ears with vibration

Peeking out the
Side of my eye
As the doorknob turns slowly
Inching open - I die

His mouth opens wider
Releasing shadows of fear
Dripping his venom
Whispers I barely hear

My littlest brother asleep
On the top bunk.
This man has no shame
As he shows me his junk.

I inquire after my mother
He's roaming towards me.
He murmurs his shhh!
"We can not wake her."

My head is spinning
As he denies my plea
He's just come to expect
He can steal this from me

The smell of burnt plastic
Wanders around him
I'm feeling cryptic
As my light starts to dim

He lies heavy on top
Of my tiny frame
It's become automatic
Like writing my name

Clumps in my throat
Prevent me from gulping
I can’t seem to inhale
His body hammering

I close my eyes so I can sail
Back to my unconscious
Disconnecting this moment
In my black empty space

© Jl 2016
© Pixievic 2016

I have been drowning in my stream.
Sinking deeper, descending to the bottom.
Fighting upstream all these years to find my happiness,
While realizing happiness does not exist in calm waters.
Chaos still persists in my tranquility of life.
Blissfullness only happens within myself.  
Looking for the brightness inside my darkened childhood.
A pile up of abuse and sadness,
Is it possible for darkness and radiance to coexist?
As the stream ultimately drives me to its foundation.
Grounded in the dark chilled soil.
My roots live in this mud.
Established here, this is who I am.
Rising up above, as I feel my freedom of inner peace soar above the hardships of life.
Traveling to water's surface.
All this time struggling to swim against the currents.
Searching for a fictitious serene place that only existed in my imagination.
I am no longer swimming to obtain peace.
I am accepting my essence planted in this stream.
Centered and ingrained to the life I was chosen for.
Gazing up as I comfortably hover up to the sun rays.
Beams piercing underneath sensing the heat of happiness  
Reaching the top, enlightened paradise waiting for me.
Opening my petals one by one; my process is slow and intricate.
The bright cloudless sky above me, soaking in the stillness.
Basking in this moment.
Until the dark sky falls upon me.
I restore myself below the surface, back to my roots.
Until a new day, a rejuvenated mind, another rise to the surface.
Experiencing joyfulness with each blossoming petal.
Embedded in my mud of life, finding delight regardless of where I am rooted.
Understanding that harmony is internally created by me.
Discovering my inner peace within the darkness I come from.
I am me, complicated yet simple.
Universal, yet rare
Fragile, yet strong
Broken, yet beautiful.
I am a lotus

© Jl 2015

On the couch I sit,
a man enters and settles next to me.
I’ve seen him before shooting up with my mother.
Mother in a deep sleep while he, wide awake.
A kind sir to me,
my mouth unopened, unable to speak.
His leg caresses mine
I'm 8 years old.
He directs me to his lap,
I reluctantly follow.
Buried doubt, my clutched hand on his upright.
He liberates my hand, leaving it unassisted.
Overheating in turmoil,
what is happening?
He races, while I continue in slow-mo.
Fixated by the aged wooden floor,
the only place I look.
He’s done this to me before.
Time is misplaced as I black out.
Disconnected, in this unstained location.
Pitch black, I stand detached in blankness.
I open my eyes, alone on the couch
Confused.
What day is it?
What happened?
A bad dream?
I go to my bed, where I fall to pieces. My blankets rise covering up my shivering corpse.
Frightened to shut my eyes and see darkness once more.

© Jl 2015

Time to leave my darkness
onyx clothes to blend in my murky skies.
Placed down, back pressed on charcoaled street.
Eyes extend to the constellation above
sparkling brightness bursting through the coal.
The beauty of  nature’s life,
eyes closed to suppress the hope within those stars.
Time has evaded me as I wait to become road ****.
Goose bumps on a summer night,
death is stubborn.
Resting here alone, isolated again.
Slow traffic spoiling my intention.
Forsaken control,
muscles clenched as I fade into my pavement.
Heart stomping with anticipation.
Who will extinguish my fire?
Inflicting pain onto someone’s life, while I escape mine
Seems selfish!
With unsealed eyes,
the air ripens and shifts.
A breeze winningly lifting me.
Tingling body, feeling alive.
Jolted up, leaving the black pavement.
I stay nearby, waiting to see the driver.
The car who would have killed me.
An older black haired woman driving a black car
She looks like my mother.
How ironic.

© Jl 2015

And she was there in that old school.
Like air.
Soft and sour.
(To her) Puberty made her face fat
(To us) it made her turn to skin and bone.
(To everyone) Who cares?

And even though she could not see it
She was darkness among light
And yes she was rude and moody
but she was also trusting and a true beauty
She was young when she was loved by the wrong person.
Looking for justice in a cold world

And she was a constant source of demonization
For her stringy hair, her ***** clothes
And her weight.
And her mistakes. As if they were any better
She tried to be brave.
But bravery only comes to those who have a reason to be.

And one night when fireflies danced
And the moon kissed her pimpled cheeks
She tried to fly - leaving us behind
She wrapped her fists around death and kissed the mouth of dignity
Because in that moment before she crashed
She saw the rare and infinite

And…
She wrapped her fists around a flower and kissed the face of God

the door slams shut

i hear the sound of mommy and daddy yelling.

cursing. i hear mommy screaming daddies name.

silence

i hear the quiet footsteps, boots dragging across the carpet floor.

"anabelle" daddy yelled.

i hushed, wanting to cry.

what happened to mommy, i wondered.

i heard the pound on the door

"anabelle LET ME IN" this always happened.

i thought i was daddies little girl.

he was intoxicated, the known smell entered my nose.

he sweared multiple times, tears rushing down my cheeks.

i heard the sound of sirens in the distance.

"come out with your hands up, paul!"

daddies name was called.

he banged harder on the closet door, until it finally fell to pieces.

"anabelle!" he screamed angrily in my face.

the police was right behind him, and i didn't say a single word.

"let her go" and i was dropped like a penny.

i saw my mommy on the floor like a rag doll.

battered and bruised, but beautiful.

but now, she was gone.

All my stress comes out in dreams
And yours' comes out in light.
When at night you hear my screams
Daytime bring the fright.
Anxiety stricken morning kiss
Whispers of times to come,
Your false promise of today's bliss
All of this.... will come undone.

Though I know how each day will end,
Nothing, to you, will ever be wrong.
You still believe and try to pretend
It's all right if you sing God's song.
Our fractured world is on the mend;
This illusion lasts only for so long.
The corner of your smile starts to bend.
And, by then all's gone wrong.

With sharp words comes your battle cry.
I, now, your projected/reflected demon.
With fists and spit, the pain like fire flies.
A confused face searching for reason.
Do I defend; an eye for an eye?
No, I still stand to take what I'm given.
I will tuck you in your bed tonight.
You'll say your prayers, You'll be forgiven.



And I'll be here again and again
To help you fight your demons.

Your mum wants to be remembered to you,
That you do not love any more your dad,
I know that you don't think,
With this fear which we suppose
If you do not comply her,
But don't worry,
I know it is heavy,
My boy, don't cry,
Dry up your sadness,
No, I don't blame you.
Listen your inner voice,
Time will proved us to be right,
And keep us close for ever.
I will always be there for you,
My son, wherever you are.
Someday you will understand better,
You will be free of your own choices,
And I know that this day,
We will be together as before,
With the pride and the happiness
which build our lives and more.