i made this week difficult.

i was struggling with myself and i made it hard for you too.
i turned nothing into problems
and blamed those problems for my ****-ups.

i hurt you
and i knew i was hurting you
and i did it anyway.

i said things
and made you sound like the bad guy

but i was a *****.

and im sorry.

I used to think I was flawless, truth is I am less than perfect.
I can't believe how awful I am, but I mean, what do you expect?
I am less than perfect, that much is true, but I can't help but wonder
What does perfection physically look like? Each of these ideas I plunder.

I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore. Haven't a clue.
Everywhere I look, it's just multiple copies of the darkest shade of blue.
Everyone stares at me, their soulless eyes, a dead, glazed look.
So I try to keep my head down, hiding behind my many notebooks.

Perfect. Why even have a word for something that doesn't exist?
It's a useless word, something I try to avoid but it always persists.
Sometimes I think about if I were perfect. What would I look like? Act?
Then I try to push the many thoughts away, they're way too abstract.

What does it mean to be perfect? It means to not have ANY flaws.
That's all I'll ever hear, "Be more perfect, you'll gain some applause!"
I hate that I have live with this idea of perfection, it's a "utopia", so dumb.
So I have to change myself to be the person that people want me to become.

I never truly understood before
Meaning of the word "bittersweet"
Until this moment our fingers
Cautiously extend to meet

The rush of longing fills body
Mix of nostalgia and despair
Electric passion flowing through me
Almost more than I can bear

The teardrops wet my expressionless face
I am thankful the sky is dark
You tentatively fiddle with the radio
Unaware I'm falling apart

I am trying so hard to be grateful
Each second I spend with you
The whole time our skin is touching
Wondering if you're grateful too

My eyes glisten and betray dismay
You finally notice something is wrong
Crack a joke to make me laugh a little
The happiness only lasts so long

One look at you
My hopes soar
In sinking waves of blue drown
Scolding stupid emotions for flying
I know our love will come crashing down

Yet despite desperate restraints
Expectations climb against will
So fond of you it makes me sick
Too infatuated I feel ill

The air coats clothes with loneliness
Lungs with empty residue
Stardust permeates sore limbs
Brightening everything we do

So curl up halfway on your lap
Savoring temporary bliss
The agonizing thoughts lurking in my brain
Are not so easy to dismiss

The ecstasy blooming in my center
Is why I remain here
Why does all the good between us
Have to be tainted by pain or fear?

The sizzling sensations are sweet
Presence infects my core with glitter
It's the inevitable hurt when you break me in two
Rendering me jaded and bitter

Now I realize how wonderful
Yet awful that word can be
Learned it is impossible
Spelling bittersweet without "we"

I've been bitten by the frost and it burns just like the cost of the awful way you crawled away because you could not stay

I try so hard to run along the fray on the outside keeping the demons all at bay
Without you, love seems the color grey.

Can I please just go home?
I don't want to exist anymore.
Everything
Just seems horrible.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to exist.