Listen, if I love you, I love you. ‬
Blonde streaks of sun constantly beaming will one day erase the paintwork we did on the iron fence,
but not this.

If I love you, I love you.
The toad greets the morning dew with a croak from his throat, and we fill our cups to the brim listening to our nerves, is that your heart or mine? I felt flannel slip on my fingers and I saw the daybreak.

If I love you, I love you.
Someday I will not have the guts to look at you. Someday you will not speak to me. I loved you inevitably and you will go as the universe wish. Cinema stubs will replace your scent. Your laughter is a eulogy. I will not pass by the same road twice, and you will never retrace your steps.

If I love you, I love you.
The world called and told you how to find me. My fingers answered by shutting the door. I am sorry for loving you with a heavy hand. I love you and I love you. But it is not enough.

Many a people hand out
Flowers as Bandaids
Mistakes made, Lying sick
A bouquet is thrown in the mix

I wish I could hand out flowers
But I know that would be strange
Sunflowers to the girl I once loved
To show her life has meaning
Lillies to my stressed out mom
Who deals with the mess that is me
Daffodils to the boy I'm with
An apology for the stress I give

Flawless white roses for my son
An early apology
For the endless mistakes I am sure to make

I didn’t mean to hurt you
when I hurt myself . . .

I didn’t mean to cause you
any of this . . .
because, nobody should have to deal
with this . . .

but, can I ask you this?
have your wounds healed
cause, mine still haven’t.

I-I-I-I mean don’t get me wrong,
I do, indeed, hate that you’re hurting
but, see . . .
it’s nice to finally have someone around
who understands . . .

perhaps, that’s why I did it.
confessed all those things to you,
told you everything on my mind
knowing my mind is not one
that is meant to ALWAYS be shared
because of the damage
it is capable of doing . . .

I knew my strength,
I knew my weakness, too,
but I knew it’s strength, as well,
and I did nothing to stop it cause -
- WAIT NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND . . . !

I didn’t stop it cause I love you.

no, wait, I love your presence!
I don’t really know what it means to love
a person. I love things. I’m used to things.
These things have become my home.
These things, they become my friends when I’m alone . . .


I just wish you could understand . . .

I guess today you have said what you have been holding up on ya mind. And I respect whatever you said buh lemme just say you really did say a lot of things buh lemme start of with the main issue which is about me calling. I understand how you feel and there’s nothing nor anything one or me trying to toy with ya feeling. I know you feel like am using because I don’t call buh like I said am not. Sometimes I just feel to shut everything around me down buh I really really try not to allow it to affect what we have wallah I do buh sometimes it just suppresses me. I have this thing depression issue that comes from time to time and I feel like it’s turning into bipolar disorder I once asked you if you knew what it meant and it’s really really getting to affect us and trying my best to see it’s not, I know sometimes I can be narcissistic buh am trying to not be and the only way I try to keep myself together is by sleeping it over nobody knows why I sleep a lot people misunderstand me buh you the only one am telling this and my reason for sleeping a lot is because that’s the only way for me to keep it together and keep my cool it’s the way only place I can be to feel okay and must of the times I force myself to sleep buh what can I say I let it get best and I told ya this before most of the times I find it difficult to express myself ,my feelings, the person that talks a lot and emotions to people it’s all part of my my issue that I have and wallah really try to see I do try it myself to ya buh I guess I failed and it’s reached to a point where I made you cry, I have always prayed and hoped for a day to come for ya to cry or even to make ya cry. Today you triggered or brought up some memories I don’t like ever thinking about it really hurt and hearing you cry was really really hard and like you said any person that loves his partner will try to his to comfort that person in pain buh I couldn’t and I guess I failed as a boyfriend and I feel you deserve more you deserve better than someone like me. Furthermore I even made you feel as if you ain’t the one and buh lemme just say you the only one and I love you with all my heart you might believe and you got every right to buh that’s it.
And some of things you said really really hurt me to the core and I didn’t show you the real me you should justify me like that deep down in your hurt you I would never ever hurt you intentional or not comfort ya. Those words really did hurt it was very hurtful. You think I want this huh?, am trying my to see my issue not affect us buh you misjudging me and saying somethings is really wrong of you to do so I thought no matter what you will think there most be a reason why he acted like this and understand me that’s how I felt buh I guess am wrong. And you did really let the anger get best of you, I always told ya not to allow it to get the best of ya buh you did today by saying out your mind and I appreciate you for saying what’s on your mind. You know they say people whom are angry, drunk say what’s on there mind and they mean it buh babe what can I say you made feel as if I ain’t the right person for ya that person to love ya wallah buh it’s all good. You said you got a lot buh you never shared it with me because I wasn’t there for ya buh I know wallah I was its not that you gotta tell me over the phone buh at least when we are chatting you can if you wanted to you would have told me that’s why I always ask you if everything was alright and fine buh you always say you good when I know you ain’t. And I don’t know why whenever we on the talking most of the times your mind is always some where, you have have been doing this for along time and it’s really really bad it’s shows as if you don’t take me serious especially the one yesterday that’s what it show don’t get it the wrong way buh that’s it.
Buh anyways it’s all good my apologies for everything, especially for making ya cry, for not comforting ya when ya needed me, for not been there for ya when you needed me, for not been the best boyfriend you wished for, for making ya to doubt me if I really care about ya and if I truly love ya and for everything I couldn’t do and say plus not been able to explain myself and if I did say anything that makes you feel bad am sorry too wether it’s intentional or not
Am sorry once again
I love you..........

I know you’ve heard these words before
I've said them many times before
I wish that I could use them more
To make things better like before

There was a time these words had meaning
Sheathed in heartfelt cries and feelings
But a shaman who can't heal
Is just a man and nothing more

Like worn-out, old and ***** pennies
Now diluted by the many
There's so many, many pennies
Don't care there's one on my floor

My cries of “wolf” no longer heeded
When these words are truly needed
To the darkness they've receded
Blindly searching for that door

In my chest still beats a heart
While pained regret tears it apart
Can't fix or go back to the start
And you don’t want me anymore

My anger and my finger pointing
Foolishly like I'm anointed
Not the one you are annoyed with
You were wrong; I was so sure

Attentively I listened to you
In-and-out my ears your words flew
Silenced; Gave no value to you
Truth revealed strikes at my core

Awakening I newly have
With gained awareness of how bad
I took for granted what I had
A rolling tide erodes the shore

Alone I sit and think of when
We were not lovers just good friends
Fun times together that we’d spend
And from that my heart starts to soar

Reality then brings me back
Jolts like a sudden heart attack
A deep sharp pain gives me a whack
I scream until my lungs are sore

Can't fix the memories or replace
My nightmares wake me; Teary-faced
Past filled with guilt, shame and disgrace
Start questioning what life is for

Anyone ever hear that Cortez might have said,
lo siento;
Or Hudson's Bay recall one blanket?
What regret or remorse would be achieved.
Why? Because of more or less.

Sorry. I'll try harder.
     That sounds like your heart was never in it.

Sorry. I ****** up.
     That's sincere.

I recanted on a really big SORRY,
And sorry I am
That ever I did mouth it.