I've been hiding being these empty smiles
Imprisoned in my own mind
This anguish
Stop me before I bleed
The echoes of her voice
The memories I cast
Follow me down
There must be serenity
While still descending
To the demons of my own design

I want to do a lot right now and in my head I'm doing them.

I'm smashing every single window I see.

I'm bashing my head repeatedly on the pavement, until my brain is rewired correctly.

I'm throwing the new expensive mug I just bought on the floor.

I'm picking up the shards from said mug and smashed windows and ripping my wrists wide open.

I'm laying on the train tracks, my innards splayed out, a spectacle for everyone to admire.

I realize I am too compassionate;
I feel everything at a 100% rate,
and I loathe it so much.
Why do they come on so strong all the time;
it mentally drains me.

I am destined to die early;
I can't see myself living past my mid-thirties.
I learn how to accept death as it is,
and I am slowly learning how to let go.

I want to cry, I want to scream;
I want to voice out this indecipherable torment inside of me.
But no one will understand,
and no one will know;
this mask of mine can't be taken off.

It is what I desire,
yet I want to scream the truth out to the world;
my alternating flow of thoughts,
my constant battle;
it goes down with me to the grave.

This happiness is an illusion;
There's a second mind that takes over,
and blocks away all of the hopelessness.
It brings forth a temporary elation,
a nonchalance,
a pretentious ease.

Is this better?
Does it make me better?
Or does this delude me to the point
where I become more destructive
and cause more harm than cure?

Why does my mind run so much?
Why does this version of me exist?

Because I am born empathetic.
Because I am human.
Because I hold a great understanding of myself,
and a greater awareness of how I am.

But not behind in the how it came to be.

No one holds the answer, and I am forever left with questioning all these endless why's and how's.

Everything else is left unanswered

perhaps until the day I die.

— Y.H.

the end of the tunnel,
gentle fervor.

Carve your sorrows in my skin
Writing the words I’ve already spoken
Break them down and be free
There’s no point
There is no point.
Be free.

Three words
Fear, love, anguish
All synonyms to my mind
Memories of how you vanish
How you banish my very thoughts
Distinguish yourself amongst my soul
The sound of your footsteps fading away
Like symphonies on repeat that beat
to the sound of my broken heart
Keeping it alive, just too barely
Yet enough to remember
That you were tough
And I was weak

I miss you
More than honestly I ever thought I would
I remember the nights like they were yesterday
And I wish they were
I remember when we’d speed down the street
Brown, paper bags in our laps
The distinct smell of a good burger
Draping the air as we headed into the sunset
We’d stop and get a movie
Something cheesy, stupid looking
We’d want something to laugh at
Through our unconventional humor
And we’d drink away our troubles
Maybe that’s where we went wrong
But I still remember you, brother
In the place that you belong.

You left one day, to pursue the ocean
I smiled because you would no longer
Be so lonely.
I was the only thing you had here.
On the beach, you’d have family
You’d have people
To make you not feel so empty
And you could carry a case
Of that stout you liked so much
And drink it as the waves
Washed away your troubles.
I hoped luck might find you
But she’s a two-faced dancer
Where did things go wrong?
I wish I had the answer.

Instead of luck
Dancing with you
Maybe making some love
With your lonely heart
She bit your neck
Until you bled out onto that
Cheap carpet in your
Apartment bedroom
And the loneliness and the depression
All came out with the drugs
And when I got that call
About my friend
Who despite me not getting around
To calling in a few months
Considered me close enough
To have as his emergency contact
Died one morning
How he felt such pain in his heart
He decided to blow it up
Explode the pain and alcoholism
Everywhere
Until the pages of those comics we’d read
Were stained in a coat of tears
That I’d cry from grief.

I kept wanting to write you
Some kind of letter
Even though I knew you’d never get it
I typed and erased so many texts
My fingers got tired
And my brain weakened
From this new found pain that I had never felt
Losing you has made my soul melt
And the only thing I hope
Is that somewhere you are out there
In the afterlife I don’t believe in
Drinking your ale
With the last sunset we never watched.

In vacant masks
We hide the veins
Where the sickly blood
Flows within us
Like a raging, hidden
Flame divided
Beneath a blanket
Of expectations
Of lacerations
Of blocked
Shocked
Methods of filth

Where we can act
As though we are better
When someone leaves
Or mistreats
Or walks away
Or makes them pay
We sit with our hands
Together like some morbid
Altar boy drunk on
Some misconceived
Notion that we are
Better.

Death he follows me wherever I go.
Wether it be in the depths of the forest
Or the deepest of seas death he follows me wherever I go.
He follows me in my dreams painted with the face of an angel.
As we dance on the dirt of the earth, death he follows me wherever I go.
He follows me into the darkness and covers me with sadness, I tell him I don’t want him while he screams that he loves me death he follows me wherever I go.
He lays next to me as I wake and sings songs of the days to come, death he follows me wherever I go.
He wraps his arms around my body and bores his fingers in my soul, death he follows me wherever I go.
He whispers in my ear when I try to speak and wraps his hands around my throat death he follows me wherever I go.
He lays on top of me as I sleep running his wicked finger down my body death he follows me wherever I go.
He pushed himself into my life and I fell in love with him. Death I follow him wherever he goes.

You don’t love me back
You don’t love me the way I love you
You don’t love me at all
It hurts to say it but that’s the truth
You don’t love me
Everything about you excites me
But you don’t find anything about me exciting
Doesn’t help that I’m thousands of miles away
One of the reasons why we couldn’t be
Someone across the country had cheated on you
And it broke you so bad
That you couldn’t love me
But there was always a “just wait for me”
And
“You’ll have my kids”
And
“We’ll be married”
And all these things that meant something then
But nothing now
And we both knew
What it would end up being
Nothing
Everything that came out of your mouth was a lie
You never loved me
You never said it
But I thought I felt it
And I loved you too
Too hard
And it broke me so bad
That I still loved you
I just couldn’t love me anymore
And sometimes I think I still do
Sometimes I don’t feel it
And sometimes it’s all too much
Still stuck on the same person from years before
Why can’t I just take the rejection
And let it go
Why can’t I just be alone
Why?