Did you know that I used to melt at your smile?  That I used to be so overwhelmingly happy in planning little surprises and sweet things for you with just that smile as a repayment.

Did you know that I got so scared when that smile started to become less and less?  That I knew that something was wrong, and even though I was still trying to do those little things that I could see they didn’t mean as much to you.

Did you know that I always blamed myself for us growing apart?  That I would torture myself trying to find the reasons why you had become so distant and unhappy.

Did you know that when I lost you that I lost absolutely everything?  That I honestly felt like someone had taken the purpose of me and threw it away, and that my heart hurt so bad that I didn’t think I would be able to stand it.

Did you know how bad those words would hurt me when you said them.  That realizing that you never loved me, and that you used me to better your situation for seven years took every smile you gave me and turned it into an agony of falseness that I would never be able to escape from.

Do you know that I still love you?  That after everything, I still dream about you and lie awake at night after three years as a slideshow of you runs through my head.

Do you know that even if you never loved me, that you will always be my true love?

Do you know?

humanities fall
perpetually
surely
and constantly
loosing leaves
once the season
ending
and the anguish
settles in
we will grow

Some days are so low it hurts,
      Heartbeat racing limbo and spreading
Centre of chest in an empty ache.

Perspective slips, sliding underfoot
       Like a carpart pulled and unravelling,
Enveloping me and passing me by.

Some days floating still, eyes closed
         and wanting to dissapear.

My shattered self searches for something
That will help fill the void.
but all it finds is capsules
filled with empty promises
sharp edges
filled with pain.
It no longer knows what to do.
So it takes the capsules
and carves with the shape edge.
Hoping
that the new additions might cover her flaws,
might fill her empty spaces.
Shattered
forgotten
it sits in aching silence.
My shattered self is ruined.
My shattered body is torn.
My shattered thoughts escape me.
I am shattered
broken.
I can not be fixed.

Sometimes I create daydreams,
with nothing omitted,
and if others could see,
then I would be committed.

Daydreams of the pain,
that I’d make you endure,
till you begged me to stop,
as you writhe on the floor.

Dreams of carving “bad mommy”,
into your forehead,
so that your always reminded,
even if I’m dead.

Dreams of hurting him,
for what he’s done to our son,
you never lifting a finger to stop,
not ******* one.

Using me like you did,
like I wasn’t even real,
like I wasn’t a person,
or a human that could feel.

Seven years we’re together,
raising your daughter as mine.
You say you never loved me,
you faked it the whole time?

You only stayed,
because you were pregnant with bub?
In seven ******* years,
you couldn’t find something to love?!

You didn’t want to be,
a single mom of two?!
So you cheated with him?!
Well **** him, and *******!

Now I know the truth,
I know how you got that raise,
it wasn’t just him,
you ****** the entire place.

All of that I could forgive,
but he treats our son like ****,
and you just let it happen,
and I’ll never forget.

He knows that I’ll **** him,
if he ever lays a hand,
but it’s coming to a head,
and I’m about to ******* stand.

He’s all I got left,
you took all the rest,
and he’s the reason I’m here,
why my heart beats in my chest.

I wanted our son,
the moment I knew he was conceived,
and when he was born healthy,
I was so ******* relieved.

So you better pray,
that he doesn’t hurt bub,
because I’m one step from insanity,
all I need is a shove.

You ruined my life,
so you better take care of our sons’,
because my daydreams are vivid,
and I’m dying to try one.