Fear of abandonment
There's someone better than me

Fear of betrayal
I am not good enough, never will

I can not open heart,
I do not want to attact this deceiver
One who cheats love,
A selfish contender...
That wants me and the world.

Low vibrational **** and becoming be gone.
I do not want you,
But wait... why do I keep thinking and feeding you with my fears of abandonment...of not being good enough?

This heavy feeling of not having access to anything better, limiting beliefs imprison me.

All I see and hear are the echoes of others' pain and fears...so I won't open my heart.
I can't do that to myself.

Everywhere, online in comments I see him,
I feel him
Low vibrational selfish ****
His heart is closed too...that's why we keep finding each other
I don't want him yet I find home in him.

Anticipation of the worst you and you don't even exist...yet.

Emotional insecurity, instability,
More abandonment, validation of not being good enough.

More of not being chosen
More mental fights...creating more momentum into chaos that hasn't happened...yet.

I am the door that is letting these demons in.
Why do I keep doing this to the love of my life?
My heart needs a safe space and this isn't it.
Why won't I love myself better?

Shame, judgment for this guilty pleasure of mine.

Split Desire consumes my energy, dull
Between better × healthier and dirtier x sicker
Oh multiple choices, where do I begin?
Which timeline should I resign?
I don't want my heart to be mined,
I want my heart to be considered.

My inner child's heart deserves to be chosen.
I can't choose those who won't too.
If I do, I abandon myself first.
I create insecurity and disloyalty to my little girl's heart first.

Am I still inviting the devil into my bed?

Oh my gosh,  
I close timelines where every cheater + heart deceiver comes + becomes

In my heart, in my presence
they always stink so bad
their demonic future crumbles in my sight.

Their disgusting energy, it is the tissue I wipe all the yucky impurities

Negligible care to engage now
they are energetically falling off like the leaves in autumn,
Now manure for the seeds of love I plant for my future I secure
In my heart,
Fall away all parts of me that cheat + deceive the heart of the one I truly love.
Die.

I walked into
An old building
Vacant yet
Lived in

I opened
Door after door
Peering into
New air

I realized
I was searching
For what was
To be

There were
No windows
On the doors
For a reason

I could not peer
Into the future
The past
Was futile

There was
No knowing
Left only to patterns
Or engagement

I could stop
Walking
The corridors
Of this wood abode

One more door
To go
What was next
Solitude or sorrows

As I stood alone
I met the room
With nothing to lose
No compass for death

If we're left alone,
We'll tear apart each other like wild animals,
A love so brutally free,
I can't imagine any if it's not you and me,
Just wait till we can drive,
The backseat of your car,
And all the time we can get.

doors & how they swing so far wide
like the gaping shadow
of a pair of lips waiting...

i wonder if you realized i felt the grace
of your arrow -- brushing so lovingly through
the flesh of my *****
& i couldn’t help but to smile

take it away from me, the flutter in my chest, the
residuals of your golden essence
sitting on the rim of modelos
& passenger seat of my monte carlo

when i watch the neutral tones of grainy film
seep into your oily features
i wish you would smile just a bit more

two lovers draped over this canvas
cast their passionate shadows over bedsheets,
pleasurable touches & a recipe for a sickly afterglow,
burning like the delicate backs of fireflies
bursting like a pearlescent bubble
chased by bitter aftertaste of longing

how i wish you knew
how much you made me feel
how my paints drip like honey
& form the lines that become you

when i breathe again the essence has vanished
like paint thinner on acrylic. honey replaced
with a spoonful of sugar
& i cross the street to meet you

suddenly the memory leaves no trace behind
& i can’t help but to trace the spot
where you once stood

Tonight stands still, like how I stand when I see you
The smoke hangs in the air, like my feelings when I see you
I smile, as I imagine us doing all the stuff couples do
and I think I feel happier when I do, I think

I feel like tonight is going too slow
I feel like you wouldn't really know
What goes on in my head
When I beg myself to tell you instead

When you take me to that special place
It puts my head in a special case
Where my stomach is crushed
And my lips are hushed

I think I feel sadder when you smile
Especially when it's not from me
And I envy them for a while
To be what I can't be

I believe you don't care about me
Because that's really the truth
Or at least that's what my head says
I never told you but I really am a mess

But you knew that already
I don't think you know though
But in the end, if the shoe doesn't fit
Just end it, or just force it.

I always say I feel free
when no one knows my name.
But after a year here, it gets old.
Now I say summers for love.
Love for the vinyl on my turntable,
for silent nights,
for frolicking in fields of grass,
for hair flowing in the wind,
and for myself.
I’ll head into summer alone
and find happiness alone.

In the blistering Texas sun
metal rods will burn skin
and drops of sweat
will spoil bare vanilla perfume.
Friends will leave
while kids play in the street.
But who can grow without pain?
my heart will never allow me
to grow without it.

So when that final bell rings
marking the end of our time,
I’ll choose between staying
to watch strangers come and go,
love and leave, smile and forget
wishing that were me
hugging my friends farewell
or leave silently.
Letting the sway of my hips,
the rhythm of each step I take,
and the small smile on my lips
say my goodbye.
To trust summer's promise of freedom.

Blocked. And just like that, the world falls silent. But silence is never truly empty, something must fill the void. Teardrops splatter against the ground, streaming from weary eyes like rain on a metal rooftop. A rhythmic, sorrowful percussion. Ears ring, drowning out everything, even the hush of solitude. The quiet sobs of defeat escape, reluctant but unstoppable. I can’t bear it. Each passing minute winds me tighter into the spiral, every breath shallower than the last, as if a crushing weight is pressing down on my chest. My fingers claw at my face, pleading for the tears to stop, but they refuse, relentless, unyielding reminders. My hands curl into fists, nails digging deep into my palms, desperate to grasp a rope that is no longer there. I should get up, find something, anything, to anchor my restless mind. But no matter how hard I try, I am forced to listen. Forced to endure the consequences of my own undoing.