there’s a scream stuck in my throat
lives behind the picket fence
of my gritted teeth

(I’ve always breathed through it
drowned ever since)
and the scream

like a poltergeist
destroys everything that haunts it that it haunts
it’s waiting to take over

like the monster from my nightmares
(kills me in our yard the dark empty living room
the roadsides that forest nearby
it greets me in the kindergarten too
and nobody else hides)

bares its maw burning abysmal

(not with rage but with
the heavy unease of a barrage falling on the lowest piano keys
the sharpest alarm
of plates and glasses and voices shattering flying far)

hurts
hurts and screams the wolf

like a child
(a difficult one no way around it yet
“look the potential leaks with every page read song stuttered
perfectly mirrors two portraits in one downfall and isn’t it
a ******* funny anecdote
how this is going to end us all”

but don’t you cry regret crawl
nothing not this not ever even Nobody’s fault
sum of its worst parts and a bit more
core overflowing dry)

shrieks screeches chokes on tears
louder than fear it grows shriller as you near
screams

(I forgot the reason
my name if you ever gave such
but our anger
our anger is all we have left so it is ours and it is us)

stops barely to breathe
never to swim always to fall
as there’s too much and too little to feel to get out to calm

(asleep I rush in the invisible tar
stay still yet still run as to stay still there is to lose it all
myself the war the last trench rot
soft pedal stuck down on my curses my calls of help
but to stop is as good as to not
so in a dusty ball under the bed I run with my tears and I yelp)

never to surrender
or surrenders only when
there’s no door to hit with its jagged little fists

(became an enemy territory when the barricade
made of this small shivering stubborn bag of bones
a desk and my red plastic armchair
gave way in
caved)

no trusty dear book to tear to bits
(as all suddenly lie scattered sad and judging broken apart
who could’ve done them so wrong I used to bawl
though I knew just a sob ago
I chose every and each one to maul)

when every bark every breath of energy has drained out
and its vocal cords break too hard
only then
can it sink back
shrink itself to fit my raw rickety heart

but the scream
the scream has my lungs guts and arms
firm grip
no mind all harm

still dreams of dread with open eyes
eats the sheep hogs my blanket
feeds on restless sleep
falls off the cliff to return like a villain dies

For I

Am Afraid
To be afraid
In front of many different people

And I

Am afraid
That my vulnerability
Will only give them more

Bullets