It started with a spark — small,
barely a flicker. But I held it too close,
watched it bloom to flame.
The first inhale burned sweet,
a rush that filled the quiet, scary places

I swore it was control:
a habit lit only when the night begged.
But ash stains linger where fingers rest,
and my breath draws heavy,
pulling me deeper with each drag.

You ghost around me,
a haze I can’t quite clear.
Every exhale feels like surrender,
the scent of you clinging,
etched into my lungs like a vow.

I tell myself I’ll quit tomorrow,
but the pack stays within reach,
and your ember smolders in the dark.

TW: mentions of addiction


Addiction is like a game
It make you believe you are in control
“I can stop if I want”
But can you?
Can you get rid of its grasp on you
Its claws will dig in to your skin
Trying to pull you back
You will wither like a flower
And think “just 1 more time”
That 1 more time turns to 9
That 9 turns binding
The bind that will not break
If you don’t stop today
The cycle will repeat tomorrow
Like ring around the Rosie
Around and around
till you collapse
You must break the cycle
Before the cycle breaks you.

I bought my peace in silver flakes,
from shadow hands in quiet breaks.
They said it shimmered, said it flew —
but gravity still pulled me through.

I lined the stars on bathroom tile,
called it freedom for a while.
It sparkled like a borrowed sky —
but burned like comets passing by.

I chased the night, I chased the glow,
until the stars fell down below.
And when the morning asked for me —
I left in dreams I’d paid to see.

I woke up wired, heart beat fast,
told myself this time’s the last.
Lines on the sink, shame in my head,
texted some lies, stayed in bed.

The crash is gone but not the mess,
some days I still can’t catch my breath.
I stay away from what the old me craves,
and that part is still digging its own grave.

There were nights I almost called it quits —
and if the ceiling of my old apartment was strong enough,
I wouldn’t be writing this.

the space in my mind
is occupied by your entity,
merging with mine.
you pose as a false god,
painting me the enemy –
demanding a sacrifice
each time i resist
your quiet reign.

i enabled it.
let you have your fun.
called it inspiration,
called it love.
called it anything
but what it was.
of all my failures,
you were the most toxic one.

i gave you everything –
piece by piece.
you’d cover my mouth
to silence the plea
whenever i sought shelter,
with hands, trembling,
still tied to a bottle
you call the cure.

you smother what’s left of me –
dressed in ebriety,
hiding the abuse.

and i need to say goodbye.
not because i want to.
but because I’ve had enough.
of you hurting me,
of you driving me
to hurt myself.
you’re costing me everything,
and the loss is exorbitant.

i’m not just saying goodbye to you.
you’re exiled.
your velvet threats,
your sugar-coated grip –
banished.
it hurts me more
than you think.
but this time, it’s final.
because i’m not ready
to see the aftermath
if it isn’t.

First thing I did was run from the scene,
left the old streets and all they’d seen.
She said goodbye — I froze in place,
then turned before tears showed on my face.

Then came the nights I caved to the haze,
lines on the table, weeks in a daze.
Each hit a way to not recall —
but nothing numbed the fall at all.

I crossed state lines, left all I knew,
wore smiles I borrowed and played them through.
But even then, she stayed inside —
a quiet weight I couldn’t hide.

So I left it all, the past, the place,
the life I built around her trace.
Not to explore the world or start anew,
but to survive a life that ended with you.

I told myself
I'll change for you
No more smoke,
No more honey

But I ask if you
In my folly
A Christ girl like you
Make me jolly

Come on baby,
Just one night
All I ask
Is that you lay on me

But I know that's foolish
You're too good for me
So I beg, beg I do
That you do this:

One finger on me
And you'll set me free
It'll be a new kind of high
Set my world on fire

I'll stop, I promise
I'll stop, I swear
That today
I'll stop

No more drinks
No more smoke
Is what you ask
That's not hard

Because it's you
Yes you, I'll hold on
And yeah, I did use yesterday
But it starts now

Because I'm trying,
I'm really trying
To change my ways
And set myself for you bae

Ok...maybe just one more
Please, baby let me have one more
All I ask is that I get
Is one more high

Besides, I pleaded
That you touch me
But no, you just want me
To have misery

So please, yes please
Let me set free
Because only my devices
Give me life

I said you're my wife
But you ran away
What a spite
You said, and I recall clearly

"Change your ways
Put it down
Stop punishing me
For your sins.

Because I grieve,
I grieve that you'll be him
The man God promised me
Because I don't recognize you."

Come on baby,
Just one finger
Is all I need
To be set free

Just give me, yes give me
What I need, because
I need you, and you only
To give me wings

God, I got nothing to do
But let me get one *****
Just one would do
Do do do do

Ohh, I'm nothing
But that's fine
Cause baby
I've got nothing to do

I'm just a loner
Playing videogames
Reading boring manga
All day and night

I got a big room
Just waiting for a crew
And maybe a babe
Yeah, I'm a fool

Ohh, I've got nothing
But really man
What can I
Really do?

I'm always in my room
Doing what healthy boys do
I use myself
Since I can't use you

It's honestly boring
It's really sad
That I got a lot
But no one cares

I can do a lot
Let me prove myself
But you won't care
That's only for you and yourself

Oh, I need nothing
Because, man
I used to having
A little or none

Da de da de da dum
La da da de da dum
La la da le da dum
Hum dum dum dum

Hum... I've got nothing
But my manga, my movies
Zines and games
(But maybe I need a babe)