My stomach drops
when the car goes down a hill.
I feel like I'm falling,
but not in a bad way.
Like a sort of drug,
or midnight shot of tequila.
Warmth floods
my body.
Everything's okay.
If you hurt yourself first,
others don't get the chance.

All I can give you
is my empty heart,
my hollow love.
Like a glove,
it wears thin with time.

Beautifully broken,
barely belonging.

Call me "druggie" or any other name you want
I am more than the degenerate society sees
Quick to be cold, they don't know who I am
Toss insults around like leaves in the breeze

I tried to make people understand
Staring is not the correct way to learn
Lack of caring, disrespectful looks
Is all an addict will earn

Show me one person who has never been down
Has no mistakes to hold
Demons find their way into all of us
Life leaves the warmest hearts cold

Things taken in different strides
Each person handles pain in their own way
Some stand ground, others escape
Sense of self-worth is the price we pay

Because of you, the stigma you spread
I found how harshly most judge
I want to educate ignorant masses
Their opinions too rigid to budge

Her fingertips were Icy
and her eyes rather glazed.
A desecrated body                                                                          
with an endearingly brazen face.
Meandering flesh, rich in mortality and fable.
Her skin mapped a journey,
juncture she could no longer able.
Scared arms marked moments,                                                        
of suicidal salvation.
Unwary and wide eyed,
too juvenile to be taken.

Today I struggled.
It was one of those days where you wake up, see it's daylight and burst into tears because you already don't want to get out of bed for the day.
One of those days where you literally have to force your body to get the **** up and actually function enough to do things that need to be done.
You don't really know what is wrong. Nothing has happened.
Nothings horribly wrong.
Everything is just the same as it was a month ago at this time. But it feels so ******* different.
You try not to think about it though. Because that is the answer to everything right ?
To avoid.
To distract.
But today it is too heavy. It is everywhere. In the back of every single thought.
Of every single minute.
There it is.
And there it goes.
And here it comes again.
All. ****. Day.
You try to just make it to the end of the day. Smiling when you have to, trying your best to act like nothing is wrong, but people can see it today.
Something is noticeably off. And each and every time somebody asks you if you are okay, there is that smile and "yeah,I'm fine" when your mind is screaming "**** no help me".
As closing time is getting closer, you realize you don't know what to do after work because going home to an empty house, and an empty bed doesn't sound as good anymore.
You hit some people up. Try to find some plans that you may or may not go to.
You don't want to go out to the bar, you don't want to go home. You don't want to be alone, but you don't want to talk to people.
WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT.
The answer is one simple word.
Nothing.
It's nothing.
you don't want to go anywhere.
Or do anything.
Or feel or think.
You need a minute to breathe.
To just catch your breath.
But every time you try and wave of emotions knocks you in the face like a wave in the ocean and pulls you out a little deeper and it just gets harder and harder to get a good gasp of air.
Everybody is out. Having fun. You aren't going to be fun right now and don't want to bring other people down too. So going out isn't an option.
But going home kinda makes you want to throw up.
You want someone to actually see you, but there is this mask you feel like you have to wear so nobody thinks you are "weak"
You just want to talk to somebody that knows how to make this a little better right now because you literally just need someone to tell you it's okay and you aren't completely crazy.
But you still haven't even learned how to **** to even ask for help.
Because you feel like it's not okay to not be okay right now.
Because things are better.
And you aren't where you were last year at this time. So you should be doing fine.
You aren't on drugs. Or homeless. You have a job.
So why do you still feel like this right now.
It could be worse. It could always be worse.
I know this.
I do.
but right now it just doesn't feel okay.
Nothing is particularly "wrong"
But nothing is right either and I don't even know how to explain why.
Because it doesn't make sense to me either, so I guess that makes me crazy? But that still doesn't make these thoughts settle down or just shut the **** up for one ******* second.
So you do what you always do.
And you shut down.
And maybe somebody will eventually see what your head has been screaming.
That all you have ever wanted was to actually be seen.