Today I struggled.
It was one of those days where you wake up, see it's daylight and burst into tears because you already don't want to get out of bed for the day.
One of those days where you literally have to force your body to get the **** up and actually function enough to do things that need to be done.
You don't really know what is wrong. Nothing has happened.
Nothings horribly wrong.
Everything is just the same as it was a month ago at this time. But it feels so ******* different.
You try not to think about it though. Because that is the answer to everything right ?
To avoid.
To distract.
But today it is too heavy. It is everywhere. In the back of every single thought.
Of every single minute.
There it is.
And there it goes.
And here it comes again.
All. ****. Day.
You try to just make it to the end of the day. Smiling when you have to, trying your best to act like nothing is wrong, but people can see it today.
Something is noticeably off. And each and every time somebody asks you if you are okay, there is that smile and "yeah,I'm fine" when your mind is screaming "**** no help me".
As closing time is getting closer, you realize you don't know what to do after work because going home to an empty house, and an empty bed doesn't sound as good anymore.
You hit some people up. Try to find some plans that you may or may not go to.
You don't want to go out to the bar, you don't want to go home. You don't want to be alone, but you don't want to talk to people.
WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT.
The answer is one simple word.
Nothing.
It's nothing.
you don't want to go anywhere.
Or do anything.
Or feel or think.
You need a minute to breathe.
To just catch your breath.
But every time you try and wave of emotions knocks you in the face like a wave in the ocean and pulls you out a little deeper and it just gets harder and harder to get a good gasp of air.
Everybody is out. Having fun. You aren't going to be fun right now and don't want to bring other people down too. So going out isn't an option.
But going home kinda makes you want to throw up.
You want someone to actually see you, but there is this mask you feel like you have to wear so nobody thinks you are "weak"
You just want to talk to somebody that knows how to make this a little better right now because you literally just need someone to tell you it's okay and you aren't completely crazy.
But you still haven't even learned how to **** to even ask for help.
Because you feel like it's not okay to not be okay right now.
Because things are better.
And you aren't where you were last year at this time. So you should be doing fine.
You aren't on drugs. Or homeless. You have a job.
So why do you still feel like this right now.
It could be worse. It could always be worse.
I know this.
I do.
but right now it just doesn't feel okay.
Nothing is particularly "wrong"
But nothing is right either and I don't even know how to explain why.
Because it doesn't make sense to me either, so I guess that makes me crazy? But that still doesn't make these thoughts settle down or just shut the **** up for one ******* second.
So you do what you always do.
And you shut down.
And maybe somebody will eventually see what your head has been screaming.
That all you have ever wanted was to actually be seen.

Today I climbed a mountain and screamed at the top of my lungs
It felt so good
To finally let go
To finally be on top
To finally have my voice back
The climb was hard
There were points I thought I wasn't going to make it
But I did.
There were obstacles in the way
Hills, trees, giant rocks
But I overcame
I had so many hands around to steady me along the way
And voices telling me that I had it in me
So I kept pushing
When my legs hurt and my lungs burned
Because I wanted to make it
I wanted to see the view from the top for once
Not from this dark pit I have been making myself live in
Today was the day I took all my troubles, hurt, and my addiction
And I burned that **** on top of the mountain and left it there
I walked down a thousand pounds lighter
And it was ******* beautiful

The darkness comes in waves
Like the ocean late at night
Each wave with a crash
Even though it's out of sight
The sound of a gentle beating
Of the water on the shore
Always leaves me wandering
Always wanting more
More than just the darkness
And the crashing sounds of waves
More than to just keep counting
The minutes in a day
When do the waves stop coming
When do they disappear
Do they ever go away
That's a stupid question
I know They are here to stay
Drowning in the ocean
Below the sand and waves
Maybe we will find each other
On a brighter day
Until then I lay my head
and close my sleepy eyes
Tomorrow I might not see
But that is no surprise
On a downhill ***** with no right way
The only choice is down
Speeding faster and faster the words they won't come out
Screaming for help but there's no one around
To hear my empty scream
I wake up to tell myself it's all just a bad dream
But it's not a dream
Not anymore
The waves have grabbed my leg
Pulling me in slowly I'm trying not to beg
I fought and fought but I'm tired now
It is time that I let go
Let the breaking waves drag me out
There is nowhere else to go

2 am
The darkness sets in
Everywhere I turn.
Dark.
The never ending night
The demons come out to play
Dancing around the room
In my bed
In my head
Everywhere I turn
I see nothing but dark.
I turn to the pill bottle
Give it a shake
Wondering how many my body can take
The first five just won't kick in
I just want sleep
With no dreams
No nightmares.
No demons.
I want peace
I need peace.
In my mind.
In my heart
I just want rest
From all the *******
Going on in my head.
Just a minute of actual rest
I can't find it anywhere
I do not know if it even exists anymore
What if I don't exist anymore

In the bed I lay awake
I pray the lord my soul to take
These feelings inside they don't go away
I try to act fine but my mind doesn't stray
I want out of my head and into the dark
A minute of peace to make it less sharp
I want to be okay and not feel all the time
An escape from myself and escape from my mind
I'm tired of hearing "it's gonna be fine "
I grab the bottle and give it a shake
Thinking about how many I'm gonna take.
I just want to sleep to get away from it all
I don't care how I get there I just want it gone
I grab a handful probably at least ten
Close my eyes and wonder if I will open them again
Either way I'm fine
I just want an escape
I don't know how much my heart can take.
I know these thoughts are crazy but they still exist
There is so much to live for but it feels like this is it.

When you look to the sky and see nothing but Grey
When the cloud come through your eyes, it's been a bad day
Never forget the smile that you put on my face
Even when your mind must stray
You are more than what you give yourself credit
Your amazing in my eyes and never forget it
The way you light up a room as soon as you enter
You're not broken just bent, there's no need to fix her.
I hope you know just how special you are
I feel in my heart, I know you will go far
Keep pushing and when you look to your side
There I'll be along for the ride
I see great things for you and I hope I'll be there
When you put your head down and just want to stare.
I get those moods, so know I understand
Together we can do things never known to man
I'm excited to see where this chapter will go
Keep your head up darling, they are watching our show

The constant fight between my heart and my mind
I just want to have control this time
It can't be mine
Everything is spinning too fast to keep going
I don't think I've ever felt this lonely
I have no clue where the hell i'm going
Can't tell which way is up from down
I cry at night but I try not to make a sound
I can't hold it in and I just want to shout
The nightmares come back every night
Constantly, it's the same old sight
I can't escape the madness he put inside my mind
Not this time
I want it to be over but I cannot find
The peace I need to clear my mind
The guilt of sitting and just watching him die
I did nothing I just went back inside
My best friend woke up without her dad
I held her and cried, but I was kind of glad
I know that sounds bad
But he took something I can never get back
My innocence, my childhood, my peace of mind
Still searching for something that I cannot find
Two years he had his way with me
I don't know how nobody could see
I was choking and I could not breathe
Nobody saw me constantly gasping for air
I should have reached out but I was so so scared
Now I'm living in my own nightmare