i ask you:

as you stood before the mountain peaks
do you remember its name
do you remember the bite of the frost
on the fingers you dont have anymore?
do you remember the cold and how it clouded
the vision youve gone so long without?

"when submerged in darkness,"
you say
"one grasps at the light-
no matter how deeply it stings,
for it is something, anything-
in a world of nothing, nothing,
nothing"

your silhouette falters, you shake until your shape is unrecognizable

though i test your limits with the pain of postcards, like scalpels in your side

i must admit: i am sorry.

The weight of your head,
like the whole globe on your shoulders,
the world on one neck,
the ache of one body.

I’m tired, like all of the stress simply sits on my dreams

while I’m trying to sleep it away,
but I don’t get a break-
not even one day.

At least the bowl isn’t red anymore,
at least the sun is alight.
But I’ve ached for a year now, and it’s still so unclear how
I will heal, or if ever I will.

Keep sunny, keep yellow,
like the lilies in bloom
which sit on the drawers
at the end of my room.

The weight of my head,
like the whole globe on my shoulders,
the world on one neck,
the ache of one body.

this mind grew tired
of feelings of helplessness,
this body cannot endure
the pain,
these hands can no longer
afford to tremble in weakness,
these lungs involuntarily
pump life into me
as these years slowly
escape from thy
inward eyes.

I want the mud to cushion my fall
and the moonbeams to whisper
inside of my bones and scream out
"MY BOY MY BOY COME HERE AND BEGONE
NOTHING IS MERRY
NOTHING IS WON"

and I will cry tears of bloodstains and crystal
and you will look down from your perch and
shriek
"MY CHILD MY CHILD THE END IS NEAR
LOOK UP AT THE HEAVENS
WHICH YOU HOLD SO DEAR
WHISPER HER NAME AND SPIT OUT YOUR
FEAR"

Sitting on her dorm room bed
Three feet from the floor
Not quite happy
But not quite sad
She wants to feel the ache in her bones
The hatred she has for herself
She wants that to come back
she doesn’t want to feel ok
Cause she’s not
Trying to make that decision
To walkout in the middle of the night
While her room mate sleeps
And to never come back
She’s ok right now
But she wants that sadness
The depression to fill her bones
She wishes she could pull the metaphorical trigger
And not live
Oh how she aches
To just want to not be ok anymore
Because when you’re not ok
You feel alive
Or at least she does
It’s terrible beast
She hates when she’s ok but hates when she’s sad
She just wishes she could not exist
That would be her ultimate goal
She types this in the dark as her roommate drifts off to sleep
I know cause that girl is me

It’s been years.
I don’t think about the pain as much.
It doesn’t affect me that much.

But once in a while,
when I’m alone
walking down the same lanes.
when the breeze is soft,
the sky is clear.
When I’m surrounded by strangers,
I still feel you hand holding mine.
And for a moment
just a moment
I feel you in my heart.
And I smile
loving the ache in my heart.
And I whisper,”I love you “
And walk away
again drowning the the busy life.