i have to accept that i was just a place holder for you
someone you came to because no one else even scratched the bare minimum
loving you with all my heart was never enough because in the end i was never what you wanted

i am a convenience

there is no answer to why

disposable
even when i dont try

The true virtue's chaos.
Chaos is a fascinating state,
Even better, as a state, chaos is everything.
A glimpse of hope that human solves the chaos,
but then it's gone...

You can't control and it feels exhausting.
Feeling of losing control, humanity tries to solve chaos,
Create an order.
Obviously not possible, it leaves a negative feeling.
Inner squeezing as if you got pulled by a strange hand into a
dark abyss.
It shackles ,your spirit, squashes everything out of your
pinches your bones till you hate it but then.

The only notion, admit. The only alternative, love the chaos.
Humanity tries to make and keep everything in boundaries.
These are fruits. These are vegetables.
Gas ***** up in the sky are stars.
They are students and the audult people
on the right side are teacher.
In the the end they are citizen,
human, animal, creature,
energy maybe an assemblage of molecules, atoms.
But when a new thing comes that does not fit in,
A new boundary will be created and more and more...
Humanity can't control that anymore, too many.
An apple is a fruit, honey is an artisan good, not for me...

The counteracts against chaos creates even greater chaos!
I love, but sometimes my darling makes people drive made,
Humanity is not ready to face the chaos in another way.
Chaos creates disorientation and orientation.
My inner me donned to a shackle, slowly squeezed, and
sag confusingly in nothing but everything.
A vessel made out of clay with a rough surface and a crumbling facade.
A powerful stream of happiness embraces every servant of chaos.

"cant you just **** it up?"
my father asks me.
"maybe you need to be tougher,"
my therapist tells me.
"why do you let it all get to you?"
my best friend questions me.
"just let it roll off your back,"
my mother instructs me.
"what is wrong with you?"
my mind wonders.

we live in a world where we are trained
to be defensive around others,
not kind.
maybe instead of preparing for the cruelty of the world,
we can put down our weapons and
try to change the perspective
by turning the angry words into
hands to shake.

I was at a place where sadness became comfort. Sadness became the cozy home I never had. A place where I belong - a home that welcomed and accepted me. It was where I came back to at the end of the day. It was the only thing that waited for me and the only thing that wanted me. These days whenever I'm near the edge - I can hear them calling me. Malevolent croonings telling me to come back home.

The girl who's stronger than me
Retained a wonderful composure before temptation.
As she watched the skull on my wrist,
Count time.
and in my mind,
I heard a soothing sound.
The notion of her crime
The grasping vibrations of my fingers running through the creation of her beautiful nature
that which empowers my imagination:
The awakening pitch of click clack.
She striked the cage that held my heart
Yet she never turned back.

Something new grew in the chambers
That which holds my new commander
Leading the beat of my heart.

The woman who showed me love
Left a trace of dying amber.
Her memories burn
leaving the after image,
of our consecrated union.
She's the archangel that watches over me.
And me the archangel not wanting to return to heaven.

Life after death as she called it.
A beautiful Lie after a sad truth
I shouldn't love you she said.
Making the final decision of our beautiful youth.

The lady who enjoys the virtue of my soul
Excavating the depths of my interests.
Found such a romantic soul, whom
Cried out of the joy that she brought,
Bringing new faith to my epileptic heart.

But she too was an episode.

A recurring dream of my world.
The repeating cries of my soul
The dictators of my heart
Who left in my chambers
Their beautiful art.

i dare you to tell me that you have never taken a hot shower
slowly growing colder as time goes on
when someone turns the kitchen tap on
the shower is not the same as it was not long ago

if you sit outside
long enough for a cloudy day
to become a raging thunderstorm
you will notice that you breathe a little bit harder
the air surrounding you has amended

i could list off millions of regular things
things that are so common they often go unnoticed
i could tell you to pay attention
to the suffocating amount of different alterations

or

you could merely accept the reality of change

everything changes

e v e r y t h i n g

I chased so many sunsets trying to forgive her.
But I don't think I ever will.
I know I will never forget
the lesson I learned
from trying so hard
to be accepted,
from giving my all
until I have nothing left.
Her name will always leave a bitter taste off my tounge.
But I've accepted it.
After all, you can't taste sweetness until you taste bitterness.