Stomach dressed in black holes,
Heart of velvet chained with barbed wire.
Second guessing instinct,
And I attempt to trust the liar.
Sampling my memories
Try to collect what I have learned.
Bringing it, just below the surface.
Is this the life I've earned?
I'd like to believe I deserve more.
In fact, I think I will.
But as of late it seems my life
Is standing perfectly still.
And the God in me
Promises fruition.
"But it can only come,
With a trust in intuition."

3/30/17

my body had too many bruises
after loving you.
saltwater soaked scars
and red soaked into my bedroom floor.
i struggled to make my blood look pretty for you,
as it marked streams of crimson down my body.
you said my bruises looked like constellations
you called them beautiful
compared them to the cosmos

i just thought they were different.
something you can't always see,
but always crave to.
i said: “the stars are collapsing. can’t you hear?”
you placed your hand on mine and spoke,
their screams are why i sleep with the window locked shut each night.
their screams are why

i've kept you locked inside.

and i am not sorry for that.

Dear Harry,

I see you're doing well these days.
One year later and I still watch as you grin and laugh with your friends.
Sometimes I just grin as well knowing the truth behind the plastic you call a smile.

You once told me that you feel like you don’t belong.
You get a burning in your chest thinking of how awful humanity is and how you wish you were a robot so your brain would match your body.
But when I told you from the anxious walls of my heart that I sort of feel the same but I'm not making a metaphor, I'm transgender
You said that I didn't feel it as intensely as you did so my identity wasn't that important.
I suppose I can tell you now that you became the reason why I agree with you about humanity.

Your face sickens me.
Sort of funny how everyone calls you Harry Potter because of a scar shaped like a lightning bolt on your cheek and it was a big joke and I always laughed because what a coincidence even though I never read the books or watched the movies and now because of you:
I never will want to.

I don’t know if you realise that you’ve shattered me.
Shattered me like the board you can cut in half thanks to years of karate and your hand crafted swords are part of the reason I never crossed you because if I just change myself hard enough maybe you would stop saying you could use them on me if I kept talking about how much I love everything if everything isn’t you.

Sometimes I would wonder if you could hear my knees fighting not to snap in half.
I would wonder if you knew that you are like a hurricane; strong and unpredictable.
And like a hurricane, you came storming and when your thunder rumbled and rain paraded all over me it left nothing untouched.
I could say you're a forest fire but that would make it hot and quick and emotionless.
No, you are a hurricane because hurricanes are wet and windy and raw and wild and it left me drowning.
Unlike a hurricane, your damage can not be fixed with teamwork and donations from those that feel sympathy.
The damage you’ve done is permanent and even with all the repairs I’ve made in the form of therapy sessions and promises that I shall overcome,
I.
I am still in ruins.

You are bitter but not sweet.
But for 17 torturous months I only saw it the other way around.  
Reaching out to try to catch onto something worth fighting for
But this isn’t worth fighting for

Because my hands hurt from writing I’m sorrys.
Because my brain hurts from pushing out reasons you’re not worth it.
Because my soul hurts from fighting the back of my mind that still loves you.
You have rendered me obsolete.

The hickeys faded as the bruises began appearing
As if we find the bruises on each other more beautiful
Maybe we're meant to be together so that we don't hurt anybody else

I can't help comparing him to the holocaust

How he starved me from all affection, giving me small portions once in a while just to keep me alive

"You deserve this"

How his anger and hatred burned me like the fire in the crematory. The smoke spelling out all the hope I had

"*******"

How his vicious words were like poisonous gas seeping into my lungs and killing me slowly.

He had me gasping for air

"Shut the **** up"
Gasp
"You'd be **** if you lost weight"
Gasp
"You're such a *****"
Gasp
"You're so ******* worthless"
Gasp

I have my scars but
Somehow, I made it out alive
Somehow, I'm still breathing

you’re supposed to be, be on my side
even when I’m wrong, and always when I’m right
but never were you there
fighting me at every turn acting like a mother,
never as my significant other
i can’t be with someone who treats me like I’m two
i guess thats what a baby face will get you

then it went too far, that long day in the car.
you picked a fight, i was not surprised
it just another day in paradise.
you ****** the wheel and pulled to side of the highway
all to reach over and place your hands around my neck. i tried to scream but the sound couldn’t escape.
i decided that day i could no longer be in this place with you
i can’t be with someone who treats me like I’m two
i guess thats what a baby face will get you

Don't tell me to get in the shower "It'll make you feel better,"
When you are the one who caused the bruises,
the internal ache,
the tears stained on my face,
the nightmares when I close my eyes,
and the PTSD everybody thinks is a lie.

I sit here looking at the sky
wondering if you are more like a sunset or a sunrise
this mark on my arm
looks more like a storm
black clouds covering the blue sky
your pale hands
strong
too strong
wrapped around my arm as you tossed me to the ground
I am just an object to you
one that changes colors
you seem to like the colors black and blue
my body is covered
stains left by you
I love you so much
I am sorry I had to escape
I still sit here staring at the sky
my hands are shaking
my head is chaos
you are a sunset
the sun dies but it is so beautiful
until the sky turns to dark
you turn dark
just like the sky
I hate you so much.

Please don't apologise,
Please don't come back for me,
I have to move on now,
But I'm isolated,
You've trapped me and I'm stuck,
Why won't you let me go?
Is it because you care?
If so, you don't show it.
Hitting, slapping, ******...
That's not how to love.
That is how to abuse.

It's been over a year
Since you broke me to the core.
Took away my innocence
Because you wanted more.

Hoped I'd never see you
Or look into your eyes.
The eyes of a sadistic monster
That tore me down with lies.

Thought I'd never see those hands.
Hands that made me feel unclean.
Made me feel guilty for your sins.
The worst I've ever seen.

The memories don't go away.
Or the feel of your cold hand.
They keep me up awake at night.
A touch as rough as sand.