The feeding tube had left her mouth a gap.
Allowing her breath to dry, her lips and crack. I dampend the spounge on a stick and applied the moisture her lips severaly were lacking.
I had never seen her like this.  
Helplessness doesn’t suit her, yet she has been wearing it for months now because of me I’m sure.
She opened her eyes.
My heart skipped a beat.
I pull from my transe of guilt and rise from my seat. “Hello.” I say wiping away any trace of tears, but no matter how hard I tried I knew I wouldn’t wipe away the fear.
I wait, watcing her reaction intently.
“Please remember me this time…” I beg her without a single word.
“Pain…” Her voice cracked..
“I’m in pain Ashley.” Her words slurred.
I push the button for the nurse and kiss her forhead. She remembers me this time!
I don’t know what to say beside, “I’m so sorry.” In shame.
15 months ago I graduated high school.... This should be the beginning, not the end.
She cried and I held her head to my chest as I brushed her hair with my fingers.
Something she taught me long ago.
Her loving gestures through my heart will always echo. She helped me survive.
She was my breathing machine.
My morphine.
My life coach.
Once medicated she fell asleep.
She left her pain for now, but the thought that in hours her pain would wake her made me weap.
There was a light knock and the curtain opended.
A lady wearing nice clothes and a gentle smile stepped forward.
“Hello Ashley, I’m Janice with St. Mary’s hospice.” "Hospice?" I ask, never hearing of it before.
She was one of many that week.
After nearly a month, mom woke up.
“I’m tired,” Her dry house voice tried to speak.
Her lips began to quiver against the feeding tube, she was so weak.
“Close your eyes and rest.” I said knowing there was a deeper meaning in her words.
She shook her heard no, tears now streaking her face. “Stop.” She croaked.
I knew she wanted to leave this place.
I pressed the button for the nurse.
“Are you ready to take the feeding tube out mom?” I asked openly, regreating every word.
She looked at me with such big eyes, so much emotion stirred.
Extreme fear, confusion, sadness, feeling I’d never seen her express.
I hated seeing her in this stranger like state.
Imagine the pressure layed upon you, to choose your fate.
In a way, I know, for my job was to figure moms wants and then make her life or death decision.
With her beautiful eyes locked on mine, she shook her head yes.
“Are you sure?” Oh how I wish I could clean up this mess.
She shook her head yes again as the nurse got another stranger. After the nurse gave her more morphine I asked for the number to St. Johns hospice.
Mom started to drift away and I left her with a kiss. They removed the feeding tube.
13 days passed.
Much longer then the doc’s thought she’d last.
No food.
No water.
The repeated question ran through my head, was I a good or bad daughter.
Regaurdless my selfish thoughts, she lay still unable to answer, she looked happier though.
She never spoke after we talked about her choice to leave, how I’d wished she said no.
I lived in complete shame.  
I had lost the best part of me, without her, my body felt lame.
I had to be strong for my sister, whom I’d been left to care for.
I was her stone.
I then lived as a stone.
Brainless, emotionless, cold. How would she have felt to see me living like this….
It would **** her, the thought lingered like a poisonous kiss.
I had to live again. I have to live for the both of us now, the way it had never been.

A home
That is not something you buy
A home is someone you ask
A turn in the road of life
You try
Having better than taken alone
You build each other up

When you fall for someone just know that you’re not at fault,
For you are but an innocent lover,
When you fall for someone just know that you should never hault,
For it is the most beautiful feeling ever.

When you fall for someone, you should not care at all,
About how you might end up in your life,
Will it be with them or without them, for all
You know that they might come around and make it all worth the strife.

When you fall in love with someone, just know that you are lucky
Because love isn’t easy to come by these days,
When you fall in love with someone just accept it as the key
To all the doors that are locked in front of you, and unlock them all in beautiful ways.

When you fall in love with someone, be prepared, for it might burn,
To know that they may not feel the same,
But when you fall in love with someone, you are already prepared to churn,
Every last piece of you heart and soul in this never ending game.

But remember that when you fall in love with someone,
It is the most beautiful experience in the world,
It makes your heart beat with theirs as one
It makes you the happiest in this world.

It may be difficult at times,
to accept that they might not feel the same,
But trust me it’ll be more melodious than wind chimes,
And you will know that you are in true love when all you want from the world is to hear it calling their name.

You will be okay even if they don’t show up,
Every now and then when you’re in need,
You’ll be fine even if they have given up
On you and your love on which you feed.

It is okay to be sad sometimes, to cry your heart out
For it will only make you feel better,
It is okay to be angry and lash out,
But remember, with their thought In your mind, there nothing better.

So whenever you fall in love with someone, don’t expect anything from them
For expectations are your worst enemy and they make all attempts go in vain
Just let things unfold and imbibe the beauty wrapped in them,
And let them be, for thinking will only give you pain.

Oh Honey ! You so funny...

Being with you feel
Like a funny bunny
By making my way
To a relaxing beat
In the most hopeless days
Like the music playing
With the strings of a guitar
Singing in my painful soul
With a sweet melody
Is nothing other than your arms
That cuddled me ever
With full of hopeful rays

Oh Honey! You made my life...

From worst to best
Thanks for each day
That felt with much love
In all the odds and evens
Of every circumstance
That moved easily
Which was difficult
To believe at that moment
But passed and recovered
Is the grace of every bond
That can stay forever
Like an immortal love

Oh Life! Be a funny bunny...

Being a funny one in every life
Can make forget your pains
And being with a funny bunny
Really makes you a happy bunny
That can calm your worries
And bless you abundantly
To rejoice life with a smile
Like a funny bunny 🐰

Oh Funny! You so lucky..

Whoever you be
Whatever you are
And wherever you go
Be a funny bunny
Creates fun in every way
Whether the day be
Sunny, cloudy or rainy
You will be a rainbow 🌈
To everyone
Who enjoys
To be with you..

my brooding force,
can I call you mine,
or is that audacious?
once so soft and welcoming,
I now feel your thorns,
poking and piercing my skin.
should I brush you away?
would you have that...
or would you draw blood?

I’m in a spot where thinking of my future excites me,
I no longer yearn to be six feet in the ground,
I no longer yearn to run away,
I can see it now, my purpose and all I needed to do was learn to love myself.