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phantom Apr 2014
i have deleted your number from my phone
over a dozen times (only to add it again)
for the sake of knowing that you are still existing (without me)
i lie on my bed for hours (and hours awake)

feeling the burn of the sun on my closed eyes

and it is SO PEACEFUL like nothing can hurt me there
until all i can think about are your kisses
phantom Apr 2014
Let's run in fields and fear the dark together.
Fall off swings, and burn special things,
and both play outside in bad weather.

Let's eat badly.
Let's watch adults drink wine and laugh at their idiocy.
Let's sit in the back of the car,
making eye contact with strangers driving past,
making them uncomfortable.

Not caring.
Not swearing.
Don't ****.

Let's both reclaim our superpowers;
the ones we all have and lose with our milk teeth.
The ability not to fear social awkwardness.
To panic when locked in the cellar;
still sure there's something down there.
And while picking from pillows each feather,
let's both stay away from the edge of the bed,
forcing us closer together.

Let's sit in public, with ice cream all over both our faces;
sticking our tongues out at passers by.
Let's cry.
Let's swim.
Let's everything.

Let's not find it funny lest someone falls over.
Classical music is boring.
Poetry baffles us both;
there's nothing that's said is what's meant.
Plays are long, tiresom, sullend, and filled;
with hours that could be spent rolling down hills,
and grazing our knees on cement.

Let's hear stories and both lose our inocence.
Learn about parents and forgiveness,
death and morality,
kindness and art,
thus losing both of our innocent hearts,
but at least we won't do it apart.

Grow up with me.
her favourite.
1.6k · May 2014
smokers are jokers
phantom May 2014
with the quiet damp night above us
you moved your attention
from the flicking street lamp
to the click of my lighter
and though you had known me for years
you were seeing me for the first time
you imagined something sentimental
written on my cigarette as i inhaled
and our conversation wrapped itself up
in a farewell hug, as you spoke:
'you don't look like a smoker'
'what does a smoker look like?'
'not you'
then you walked away
the only thing i noticed
was that you didn't look back
1.0k · May 2014
a dream
phantom May 2014
a boy waiting patiently at the train station
he lights up a cigarette
can't smell the flowers in his hand
over the smell of petrol

i don't remember what happened
when i saw you
arms stretched, bodies entwined
happy tears, nose kisses

i never did meet you at that station
but if i did
i would still be locked in your kiss
phantom Apr 2014
i want to write you poems until my hand falls off
i often wonder if you read them would you come back?
would each sentence, word, letter, that your eyes glaze over
light up - would you remember how it felt?

i told you so many times that nobody can ever love you as much as i do
and if you ever find someone who claims they do
bring them to me
lay them down before me
knowing that they will never get back up

there is a sunset in four hours
yours is the only hand i will ever hold
walking in it's direction
so call me, text me, bump into me
scream at me, grab me, slap me, burn me
just come back to me
i should be doing assignments what am i doing get out of my head
870 · Apr 2014
yawn
phantom Apr 2014
feeling tired and uninspired
i find myself being more in love
with characters from books
than i ever was with you.
ok this poem is a big fat lie but if you have never read a Quiet Belief in Angels by R.J Ellory, you should.
phantom Apr 2014
i remember when thinking about the future
meant thinking about what class i had tomorrow
and dreading it, the sick sunday feeling
time goes on; weeks turn into months then years
i meet you
you handed me the blue prints of a future so fine
i imagined the wildest places that we could see
the endless possibilities that we had
of things to do, unrealistic or not
i didn't care if i was saving the world or staying in bed all day
the future was so exciting and yet so futile to me
once i was with you
you disappeared
now all i think about is the future
what i will do, how i will live, who i can share it with
but i don't want a future anymore
not because i don't have you to share it with
but because at twenty two years of age
i've seen things, felt things
that leave a pain like pressure on impact
bursting blood vessels as it bruises
if the future holds this much pain and more
i don't want to open my eyes again
the beauty i see every day isn't worth the pain we go through
to live, survive, or fall in love
803 · Apr 2014
headlights
phantom Apr 2014
you who keeps my bed warm
when i wander in the night
you who keeps my mind blank
with your ****** distractions
you who too often asks me about my feelings
like a shy child in the classroom
too scared to get the answer wrong
i only have one feeling
it is tangled up in the dark matter of my mind
a loss of a life, a loss of a love
the life was mine
the love was hers
your questions are shadows
on an empty bedroom wall
because i can't describe her in words anymore.
phantom Apr 2014
i remember when you would beg me to read to you
in the early hours of the morning
when conversation had kept us awake
i could tell you were smiling by the sound of your exhales
although my eyes never moved from the words on the page before me.
we would make love
until you were too tired to finish a whispered 'goodnight'
i would follow you into dreams
my last and first thoughts always of happiness

this was a long time ago
before i left you, before you left me

that's the thing with love;
it changes
it begins like a fire
embers and smoke
until it's Winter
you're alone
and the smell of ash is making you remember
everything you wish you could forget
can't sleep
731 · Apr 2014
when you're not around
phantom Apr 2014
hangovers last so much longer
the flu goes on for weeks
high blood pressure causes migranes
the night drags on like primary school
the day stings my eyes
i have washed my pillow eleven times
yet your scent still likes to stay
smoking hurts my throat
no one argues with me to quit
music sounds off key
books are no good
poems make my head throb
other peoples conversations bore me
i'm always alone

i am finally understanding
that you are never
ever
ever
coming back to me
683 · Apr 2014
i'm lonely
phantom Apr 2014
if we could see what it is to physically fall in love
i imagine it is cherry blossoms
falling on her wavy brown hair
it's her scrunched up nose as she laughs
it's her strong hands steady on your chest
the worst side is not being able to remember
how it felt to fall
after the love has gone
3am thoughts
582 · May 2014
changeling
phantom May 2014
take me in the evening
so i can see the sun fall
then cover up the moon so
it's too dark to see at all
hold my hand in yours
press it tight against my chest
tell me my heart is still beating
that i am doing my best
like everybody else
say it was real love
then lay me to rest
the end
577 · Apr 2014
funny taste
phantom Apr 2014
a diet of coffee and cigarettes
and the consuming realisation
that i was no good for you at all
559 · May 2014
hurt hurt hurt
phantom May 2014
i gathered up my heartbreak
disposed of it on empty sheets of paper
now i find that you're no longer
consuming my mind
and i'm almost hurt
over not hurting anymore
still thinking of you
always thinking of you
but not in the same way
now
nothing hurts
phantom Apr 2014
maybe this is the last poem
i will ever write about you
i have come to the conclusion
that there are two parts of me
both look the same;
dark brown hair, fading eyes
yet on the surface i have discovered
that i do not hate you nor like you
i am indifferent with no feelings towards you
sometimes it feels like i don't even know you
but then the other half of me
in the pits of hell inside of me
in the deep end of my heart
is the person who is madly in love with you
who can't and won't live without you
a disgusting cliche of a boy who longs for you
and my two halfs argue and fight each other
until the moon begins its shift so the sun can rest
i smoke my cigarettes
taking each urge and longing
in the pits of my stomach
and converting them into smoke
i exhale my love for you out of my body
until i'm left with emptiness
this empty creature doesn't write as good poetry
but at least he isn't drowning in the sea of love
where everyone would love to drown
487 · May 2014
loneliness 101
phantom May 2014
darling darling darling darling
tell me none of this was real
that it was all in my head
so i have no expectations for the future
from you, myself or anybody else
who might walk into my life
crawl into my head
break into my heart
or fall into my bed
486 · May 2014
birthdays
phantom May 2014
on your 18th birthday
i wrote you a poem
with shaking hands
i read it aloud to you
swallowing my fear between each stanza
you told me you loved it, loved me

today it's your 19th birthday
and in keeping with traditions
i wrote you a poem that you will never read:

when i met you it was almost like
i had known your face
from when i was a child
you were a familiarity
that wrapped me up
your voice was in the songs that i adored
your face was the dream i didn't want to wake from
your words were in love poems
that i had written before i met you
but did not understand
i loved you whole
it was exhausting
i love you still
it is exhausting
most of all i miss you
i hope i always think of you
somehow and somewhere
across the ocean
a different time zone
for every birthday that passes you
i hope it's happy, i hope you think of me too
3rd of May 2014.
phantom Mar 2014
you find solace in the bed sheets
as the sun shines through the blinds
the sleepy state you awake to
asks you to give positivity a try

you turn over and clutch onto
a pillow
for dear life

she finds aggravation in a headache
and a sickening taste in her mouth
she curls her body into a ball
as she re-evaluates her life

she rolls over adorably
wrapping herself around his body
as if it might save her life

or so you wish,
truthfully

you both find a new home in the bed sheets
but don't want to face the day
sleep until noon
i wish she stayed
i wish he stayed
i wish we stayed
460 · Apr 2014
daydreams
phantom Apr 2014
it's october
it's early in the morning, too early to be awake
she tells me it's the afternoon and gives me a disappointed look
she sits beside me as i lie behind her
my sunken red eyes look past
i'm thinking about how sweet her voice sounds when she sings
but she interrupts me
'who hurt you? who hurt you so badly?'
she can hit them high notes, i love her falsetto, her chest voice,
her soft hands, her cups of tea -
she cuts my train of thought as she stands over me
the tsunami hits as she speaks:
'i won't ever leave you'
ironically she gets up and she leaves the room
and me, not moving, lying there
i think of her.

her voice was beautiful when she spoke
she couldn't sing but i loved it when she did
her cups of tea were my favourite
she had these personal looks; they were only for me
she hated wearing her hair up but i loved it so
when i was sad she would pin it up for me
she'd sleep in so late every morning i wouldn't care
i would watch for hours as her eyes moved in her sleep
she gave the most perfect forehead kisses
and she smiled a smile that could ******* cure cancer
when you laid them on her own forehead, her nose, her cheek
she loved me
s h e  l o v e d  m e
but she left me and she hurt me
443 · Apr 2014
your name here
phantom Apr 2014
the last thing you ever said to me was
'i can't
talk to you
you're making me anxious'
well darling you make me anxious.
every ******* hour the day forces me to live through
at 3am i want to rip my skin from my chest
stretch it, tear it, snap my ribs in half and find my heart to hold it
feel it beat without you
what an idiotic muscle -
beating without you.
i want to squeeze
burst the ******* thing
and poke poke poke my eyelids
i want bleed out for you/over you
to stop the pathetic half-assed tears from falling
over every acoustic guitar
accompanying every male voice
on every playlist you made for me

******* and your great music taste
srsly
phantom Mar 2014
i like the way your eyes
have seen too many
late nights

i like the way
your lips can never
feel a kiss

i like the way
you don't give a ****
who i am or where i've been

you would swallow
an ocean if it meant
it would save me
424 · Mar 2014
2011
phantom Mar 2014
there was beauty in her heart
and in a heartbeat it was gone
your breathing was too heavy
and your hands were too strong
the bruises she left on your neck
were like reminders of a disease
you vomited down her parents toliet
she still kissed you on the cheek
your skin felt so ***** you scrubbed
until you scraped it all away

now you walk around like a ghost
hoping you're not seen
you keep apologising to her
even in your sleep
393 · Apr 2014
01.25am london playlist
phantom Apr 2014
you're in my veins and i can not get you out
you're all i taste at night inside of my mouth
you run away because i am not what you found*

i miss not knowing what your favourite song is right now
if i did i would memorise every word as i fall asleep tonight
i miss not knowing what you're reading so i can ask about the characters and watch your lips move as you speak
i miss your body
having it to hold
whether i'm too hot or cold
i miss your shallow collar bones
and drowning inside of your eyes
i'm trying so hard to forget
i'm thinking i never will
at times i don't want to
sometimes i think i could be happy with you living inside my head forever
but memories fade
the way you faded from my arms
and i feel more alone than ever without you to wish me goodnight or make me eat breakfast in the morning
389 · Mar 2014
sometimes,
phantom Mar 2014
when im lying in bed trying to sleep
i imagine you lying opposite me
as the pixels fall into place
my heartbeat becomes more defined
i focus on how on beautiful you are
or should i say were?
you probably think i have no right
to comment on how you look
or know what you're thinking anymore

i whipser into the stillness of the night
but i'm always asleep before you can reply
im sleepy and sad
384 · Apr 2014
haunted by ghosts
phantom Apr 2014
i visited my parents house yesterday
it had changed so much since i had lived there last
no more room for feelings of nostalgia
it didn't remind me of christmas mornings
or bring to life the photographs of birthday cakes and smiles

at dinner monotonous conversation led me away upstairs
expecting nothing i decided to visit my old room
walking up the narrow stairs i felt your presence with me

two summers ago we lived here, never leaving
we were burnt from the inside out with love and cigarettes
burnt from the outside in by the sun
cascading through the ceiling window
i saw the sun rays fall on your eye lashes;
thought to myself this is why it rises every morning
just to touch something beautiful
i thought of how we never left each other
built my life around you
a life that didn't seem to exist outside my bedroom walls

it made me feel uncomfortable
after a week of forgetting i was remembering again
the cliche of wondering what you were doing
turning to leave i saw it
my ugly younger self's handwriting
where i had written your name on the wall above my bed
memories came back like flashing images in my minds eye
writing your name on the wall one night
you were smiling and laughing
asking if my dad would mind, i said i didn't care
since then my bedroom does not look like my bedroom, our bedroom

your name is still visible over the thick layer of gone-off white paint
as i leave i hope to myself that your name will not be visible
through the layer of hate, regret and disappointment
i've used to paint over your memories inside the walls of my mind
true story
374 · Mar 2014
Left Over Love
phantom Mar 2014
if I could be given a new mind
I'd never have to think of you
if I could get myself a new heart
I wouldn't even remember you

your silence
was an earthquake
a calm before the storm
what happens to the love that's left over
after two has become one?
369 · Apr 2014
ten dead little girls
phantom Apr 2014
promises are made to be broken
if not by you then the one's that you love
by God himself
He saw me standing over her
weak skinny arms, long blonde hair
half the size of me
He saw the words flow from my mouth
like icey breath despite the cool Summer evening
He watched me promise my life to her
secure her safety in my own hands
and He must have laughed and thought to Himself
'this boy thinks he can promise a life, promise safety'
and He must have decided to teach me a lesson
out of ten dead girls
you were the only one I promised to save
and He knew that if loneliness couldn't **** me
then broken promises would lead me to **** myself.
350 · Apr 2014
gross
phantom Apr 2014
i cut my hair and shaved my beard
figure i have no one around who loves it anymore
i got new glasses, i think i look quite intellectual -
i can imagine you would laugh right now
i'm slightly more soft spoken
than i ever have been before
i'm filling more pages of your memories
than i have ever needed to before
i don't make much conversation
because really what's the use?
i know this time next week
one thing i won't have to do
is make your favourite homemade card; but still happy birthday you
347 · Apr 2014
today i realised
phantom Apr 2014
i could sleep against a wall for hours
if you were leaning against that same wall
with me in your arms,
then i realised it was a pillow
but it still smelled like you
i proceeded to tuck it into my bed
leave the house and swallow down love once more
hashtag true story
341 · Mar 2014
stop crying
phantom Mar 2014
in nine minutes it will be midnight
and you still won't be mine
my phone is burning my hand
yet i'm wishing that yours was in mine

today i distracted myself
with academic words unrelated to you
i made a bet with myself if i get a A, B or C-
that i will call you

but what would i say
what would you want to hear?
apologies from a ghost
like myself they will eventually disappear
phantom Apr 2014
i can't remember your voice
but i'll try block it out anyway
sometimes she reminds me of you
in arguments, and for arguments sake
i will pretend that all girls are bitterly
sarcastic when they don't get their way
telling me to ******* with that beautiful
smile on her face
you see i've fallen back into the same hole again*

it's a bitter cycle that i thought i could not escape
then she came along and took me in her arms
showed me what it is like to really love
and be loved in return
so all her silly mistakes fell so perfectly onto mine
now i carry them around with me for nights
when i can not sleep or
when i feel like torturing myself
by searching through history
for what i had
and what i lost

will it always be like this?
the italic verse is about someone after I had just met them it was written to a past lover, the second verse is about the girl whom I had only met in the italic verse but by then I had realised she was the love of my life. very complicated...
334 · Mar 2014
we get older
phantom Mar 2014
i was good at things;
like going to school and making my parents proud
you were good at things;
like kissing my neck in a drunken daze
and holding my hand behind everyones back
i think i loved you and that is why i began to hate you
i was never good at hurting people
until i was hurt by you
330 · Mar 2014
art school graduate
phantom Mar 2014
you were so quiet
and then you were so loud
you tore through my life
like a plane through a cloud

you splashed your paint on me
like i was your own colouring book
you decided what you liked and hated
then you tore the pages up

i told you 'sometimes mistakes make perfect art'
but you didn't believe me then
you just smiled - oh god, that ******* smile
let me give my life to see it again
321 · Apr 2014
the little things
phantom Apr 2014
when i thought i was getting a cold
you'd tell me to sleep
or take painkillers
and although i knew your answers
i'd listen to every word and follow
the problem is
i never stopped to pay attention
and appreciate how much you cared
those **** little things
are creeping up on me every day
and when they do
they scare the life out of me
phantom Apr 2014
some feelings go
others linger
then you will know
you're tangled in her hair
and wrapped around her finger
310 · Apr 2014
ten:sixteen
phantom Apr 2014
i like to think you think about me
every night when you have no one to whisper down the phone to
when you're scared with decisions to make and no one to guide you
i like to think of you convincing yourself to speak to me
then calmly talking yourself out of it
that you're still like me suffocating on wasted love
i'm terrified to think
you think of me as dead
you've removed all signs of me
bedsheets, my clothes, old birthday cards
i see them burning out your back garden
each one of my neatly written 'i love you's' as ash blowing in the wind
i wish you'd stop to look around
remember when we almost lost each other
you told me you seen two daisies growing in the grass
a pair on their own with only each other
you said they were like us
me and you
where are those stupid flowers now?
255 · Apr 2014
april 6th
phantom Apr 2014
with no cigarettes to smoke
i'm sitting here alone
i'm not particularly sure what i'm feeling
i just said your name out loud
and got no response
my days work is done.

— The End —