I had a dream
once upon a time
I thought I'd be successful
(but obviously, I'm not good enough for that)
There was once a gleam
in my eyes, that I
would cherish
for years.
But now I
am not good enough,
I am just a rejection.
Just tears in a bathroom stall,
red eyes and broken hearted,
over something small.
Does it really matter?
Because I am a rejection
for every darling thing
that I've ever wanted

I am not a poet.
I may write poems
but I am not a poet.
Poets speak pretty words.
I speak in a tongue no one knows,
not even me.
I am not a poet.
I am a girl,
with unspoken words
who gazes at trees.
I am a girl
with red hair and
watery eyes
but I,
I am not a poet.
I am not a poet.

Putting people into the situation
that literally puts them in tears
just thinking about it
isn't going to help it
if it was,
I would be fine by now,
public speaking wouldn't phase me,
I could walk down hallways with my head up
I could make eye contact
I could walk into classrooms alone
I could hang out with the few friends I have
I could talk to people I know
I could pay for my own things without wanting
to stab myself in the throat afterwards,
I could do all these things that seem normal and casual
I could do all of this without crying
I could do all of this without a constricted throat,
and a heart that feels like it's tied down
to my feet
and don't you dare say
it's because I don't try
I've tried
and tried
and tried
Don't you dare say I'm faking it
because this is a personal hell

If I could fix the trust I broke
If I could fix the hearts I've shattered
If I could mend minds
I would
If it meant giving up a part of me,
I would
But I can't though I can try
Trying won't change the past
and sometimes it doesn't change anything at all
but my heart's still yours
If I could fix anything
I would
But I can't even fix myself
I can hardly hold myself together most of the time

I'm sorry I did it again
I'm sorry I feel the way I do
I'm sorry I'm hurting you
I'm sorry I'm hurting me
I'm sorry I can't do anything right,
that's probably the most accurate thing I've said
I'm just an idiot with pointless problems
oh wait, I am a pointless problem
I'm sorry that you met me,
I'm sorry we ever talked
I'm sorry I put you through all of this ****
I'm sorry that you deserve more than me and you can't see that
I'm sorry that you disagree with me
I'm sorry I'm stubborn
and I'm sorry I'm sorry.
I know none of this means **** to you,
my sorry's really shouldn't,
not as many as I've had to say.
Not as much I have to apologize for.
In other words, I just need to shove them up my ***,
but it has to be known
There's alot of things I do to be sorry for
and I'm sorry for every single one of them

I need you to understand
that I need you,
and your hands
your kisses,
your love
I need you to understand
you're my world

I need you to understand
we're all a broken mess
made of pieces of each other's
broken souls
mismatched,
like an old grandmother's quilt

I need you to understand
I'm only me
not less, not more
I want to stay yours

I need you to understand
I love you
I want to spend my life with you
and your beautiful eyes
and amazing personality
soft hands,
loving kisses,
everything about you
I just love it
The hues of your eyes
are prettier than any skies
any forests
doused in rain
any words
filled with pain
If they're yours,
they're mine
we are intertwined
with love,
with care,
with your fingers in my hair

I need you to understand
I get too attached
I need you to understand
I love you
more than I could ever love myself
or any other catch
I love you more
than pineapples on  a shelf
I love you more
than you love yourself
I love you more
than plants need rain
I love you more
than I have shame
I need you to understand
all of these things

We all want to be an inspiration for something
Mine's just to live.
I want to be able to say,
that I helped someone stay alive
instead of saying that I made them want to die...
When they fell,
gave up time and time again,
and didn't want to continue.
I want to be able to say I helped someone,
just one
People have made me want to save myself
I want to return the favor.

It's funny what you remember about people
Their favorite colors,
their favorite songs,
what made them smile,
what made them laugh
the sweet things they said
what they got passionate about,
what they talked about at two in the morning
when no one else listened

It's funny how you remember how their hair fell in their face
and how their hoodie always hung
and the way they shuffle their feet when they walk,
and puff out their cheeks slightly in stress
how they got *******
the way they talk
the way they could be a mess

It's funny that you remember things about people
that don't seem to matter
but you love them,
and miss them
It's sad that you remember people, really.
It's sad that you can't forget
and oh so easily move on
it's sad that a lot of times you don't even want to

It's crazy how soothing
something cold and metal can be
on burning hot palms
and a shaky mind
how much comfort just a necklace gives
it's sad
that this is how I calm

It's sad that when music hits my ears
It doesn't help me anymore...
It's still my escape,
but no longer my peace of mind
I don't think I have a peace of mind anymore,
I think I messed myself up

It's sad that I believe every word
that's said about me
It's sad I can't go out without a jacket often
nor can I walk with my eyes
not watching my feet
drag across linoleum
It's sad my self esteem is non-existent
It's sad that people want to die.
It's sad that sad exists

I wish someone was proud of me
More than just one,
more than just one.
More than just my lover.
I wish my mom was proud of me
for academics, poetry
art, music
anything I do
I wish my dad was proud of me
My stepfather
My best friend.
I wish I had something to be proud of
more than just my love
and lack of envy.
With long brown painted nails
tap-tap-tapping on a keyboard
Wondering what I could be good at
How I could make you proud
But that'll never happen, I think
too much on the plate,
too much to see,
to much to know.
I wish someone would be proud of me,
more than just my lover,
that sees every side of me.

I'm not gonna be another hit & run,
another ball hit in your game
but baby if you want to play
I'll play for sure
Tired of being hurt
and others being there too
You aren't gonna "get with me"
like your friends told you to
I'm not these other girls,
that you tricked
honey I've been here and dealt with it a thousand times
Don't think I don't know
Your friends tell me all that you say
and god forbid you say you didn't

I always need you
but I guess that isn't all
I know I need you
Not someone else's heart
I need yours
your pretty green eyes
your lovely kisses
but I don't know
where I went wrong
What I did wrong

I'll never be enough
for me,
for you,
for your love
I'm just another **** up
An ugly, butter-toothed **** up
Won't you go to someone better?
Someone who won't hurt you like me?
Because only me,
only me
could ever **** up this bad

I can't say these things to you
because you'll tell me it's not true
but **** it is
****, ****, it is.
Parts of me want to believe
I'm a good person
but I don't even think I am anymore.
I **** up and everything comes out so *wrong

Little bird in the snow
broken wings
middle of nowhere
just like me
broken
ruffled
confused
no one to find her
no one to save
can't fly
too cold to chirp
how can you fly
with broken wings?

A little bit ago,
I found a notebook.
And inside,
was notes from you,
the lyrics of your favorite song
sprawled out on a page,
written in blotchy black ink,
and a combination
of your messy but pretty hand,
and my sloppy one.
Random quotes from our time together,
staring at me.
Everyone asks me if I regret us,
and the answer is always no.
I'll never regret the times we had,
and I have let go.
Since then we've stayed friends,
and I wouldn't change a thing.
Just a little bit ago,
you messaged me.
Just a little bit ago.

We live in a big world
and maybe we're all lost
Maybe just in the mind,
maybe we're not where we want to be
and maybe we never will
Always wondering
"What do I do,
What do I say?"
Seeking acceptance
when we don't need it from anyone
but inside us,
is one heart.
One heart that beats
to keeps us alive.
We're not here to please anyone.
We all make mistakes
lost in a mind that doesn't know
We're all lost in a big world
Someone, just someone,
I'm wishing you'd get lost with me
Hearts wander
mine's somewhere that isn't here,
and maybe,
if someone asked if I could go somewhere or to someone...
Maybe the only place you'd want to be
is with someone.
Maybe you're just lost,
alone,
in the world we don't know
Braving it with just your own two feet

There will always be a voice
that tells me that
I'm stupid for failing a test...
I'm dumb for worrying pointlessly...
That I'll never be loved...
and everyone hates me..
That I'm ugly and imperfect..
I'm worthless...
too ugly, too stupid, too shy...
too mentally unstable...
that I'm just making up social anxiety...
and the depression...
I hold on to little things
comments made years ago
things said in anger
Things that I've done
that I regret, everyone
bite my hand until it bleeds
wonder if I should go jump  in the water
I think I should be dead.
just another day of losing my head?
I'm a sister and a daughter
a friend and an enemy
but here I am,
wallowing in self-pity.
Pessimistic,
breathing but not too sure I'm living
just existing,
and wondering if I shouldn't.

Where has my motivation gone?
It has grown wings
flap, flap, swoosh
There it is in the air
the black bird
falling to the ground
**dead

My hands
wrapped in yours
My hands
wrapped around your hips
My hands
holding you hostage to my
             love

Your hands
wrapped in mine
avoiding a goodbye
Your hands
holding my heart
Your hands
squeezing at my
metaphorical throat
asphyxiating the bad dreams

My hands
Your hands.

Some people might say I write too much about you
but you're my world and I tell you that a lot
I'm sorry I ask you if you love me,
I know you do
With that smile of yours that lights up everything
your eyes that smile even when you're not
you're sleeping right now but you're obviously in my thoughts
You're not just another person with another name
Not someone without their claim to fame
You have a laugh that's contagious
and a love that's unreal

I like to think I'm nice
but I don't think other people think so
I really do try... sometimes...
but I always manage to not be
Laugh it off,
pretend it's not a big deal,
pretend it doesn't hurt,
pretend you don't feel.
It's a shadow in your mind,
whispering in your ear,
that you'll never be nice enough
good enough
that everyone hates you
when they really don't

I've always told myself that noone cares
just leave myself alone in the corner
and they'll leave you alone
but apparently, that makes you stuck up
conceited
you think you're better than everyone else.
but honestly?
it's the opposite.
You just don't want to talk.
perhaps you're too scared or shy
socially awkward
maybe have social anxiety
maybe you just simply like being alone,
no one will ever know,
and it shouldn't matter
it shouldn't be made fun of

Am I fat? No, not really. Am I unhappy with my body? Yes. Am I ugly? I think so, but beauty is differentiated in everyone. Am I a good friend? I'd like to say so. Am I smart? I'd like to think so, but no. Am I talented? Hell no. Am I shy? Overbearingly. Am I annoying? Yeah, probably. Am I happy with myself and my personality? No. Should I be? Everyone should.

Was going through my saved photos,
found the ones of you and me
the ones of me, you, your best friend, and someone I don't talk to anymore
and god ******* ****
I never knew I could miss someone so much as I do now
I don't know why,
just at the low point of remembering
someone I used to love,
an old best friend of mine,
and a girl I never talked to due to jealousy
It's funny how so much can change in two months.
I never thought,
that I'd get to this point
I'm a disgrace to myself,
I'm not supposed to care,
but when I find an old photo like this,
my heart breaks...

intertwined souls
hands clasped tight
caring eyes
and a night less bright
arms around my waist
my head in your chest
one heart less broken
one heart more healed
one smile much brighter
two people in love,
Cupid's sweet meal

Why is there a good
in goodbye?
Because there's always a reason behind one.
Everyone will ask you why,
and all you can say is babe,
you don't see things from my perspective.
I could leave,
but never without a reason
Don't hurt me,
don't use me,
don't bother me,
don't come to me crying at 1 a.m
because she isn't me
and I won't leave
there's plenty of reason
reason that you will never see,
because you can't see through my eyes
and I don't have to explain a **** thing to you
I'm not obligated
There's a reason there's a good in goodbye babe
you'll just never see them

Do you ever think
you're not good enough
not smart enough
Prejudiced schools, workplaces
One tells you this,
the other tells you that.
You're told you can't,
but she can
and he can
and they excel,
first place, second place, third
and you're somewhere in the bottom.
No one gives you a chance
you're average,
looked over like the sun
on a hot August day.
Then you're told
it doesn't matter, and it doesn't define you.
Well maybe it ******* hurts regardless
because maybe I want to be noticed
once in a blue moon
for something I've tried so hard for
and wasn't just handed to me

I really like the rain,
classical music too
It's storming tonight,
and it's 12:36 a.m
I have school tomorrow,
but I don't really care.
Maybe won't go,
maybe will hold my own hand
Who knows?
I really like the rain,
it's a sense of peace.
Running down pale, sullen faces,
that never move,
that never breathe.
I really like the rain,
I don't know why I do.

You're a rainy day
You can be warm, you can  be cold
You can flood, you're a storm
You're a beautiful danger
a sight to behold
You can make a mess
I can see the lightning in your eyes
The sparks that electrify the night
You can be deadly,
with your kisses and your stare
You can be a breath of fresh air
You can be calming,
You can be unpredictable
but let me just tell you
you may be a rainy day
but rainy days are my favorite days

"Pathetic *****"
Words tend to stick in your mind
Whether it's someone you know
or someone you barely know
"*****"
"****"
Some things haunt me
stick like glue
sometimes they don't bother me,
but most times, they just stick in me like a knife
Invisible scars
Honestly shouldn't bother me
but it does
"I don't trust you"
I don't blame you
There's always been a part of me
that wants to say something,
defend myself
but I don't,
I never do,
I never say a thing,
Just keep quiet and walk away

Not one
but both
no preference
too scared to go too far
curled into material happiness
too far gone to come back
awake but asleep
until morning
and even then
alone again

Silence
A beautiful word
but yet such an empty meaning
Usually it means you're alone
which is an empty feeling
I drown myself in silence
it's so heavy and thick.
It smothers you,
and you can't breathe.

Some nights I really just break down
Standing on a broken bridge
of empty promises
with a sea of words that I don't know how to take
crashing below,
splashing my bare feet
a moon shining overhead
stars twinkling, the words I've never said

Other nights,
I stand on the same bridge
and it's made of happiness
with a sea of words that I've said
splashing at my bare feet
contented breezes blow
the same moon is overhead
and the stars are still twinkling
but this time,
they aren't regrets

sometimes
I think I'm doing better
sometimes
you leave my mind
sometimes
i think I shouldn't be around
sometimes
I go through old messages
sometimes
I miss you
sometimes
I sleep too much
sometimes
I dream too big
sometimes
I see why people leave
sometimes
I wish people didn't love me
and other times I don't think they do
but always will I wonder
why I'm here

Waging my wars
in my mind, body, and soul
Shouldn't be this hard.
Emptiness..
What is this?
I'm probably not as fine as I seem
Cried myself sick,
need a distraction
that I can't find
Sometimes to stay alive you gotta **** your mind
Why is it always stormy days
that keep me company
Funny, because I love the rain
Usually a semblance of pain,
gloomy days.
But it's calming to me..
But the hurt won't go away,
It shouldn't even be around
I shouldn't be hurt
over these things
I shouldn't want to stay in bed all day
I shouldn't feel like a burden to everyone
I shouldn't feel this ****** up
I shouldn't think the way I do,
I take for granted a lot of things
Someone tell me..
does it get better?
do I stop wanting to give up?
Been this way for a while now,
thought I was getting better
and really, I was...
but now
I think I'm the worst I've ever been
and I'm craving something
anything
to drown out these thoughts
preferably scalding
to throw away the burning knife that isn't real
it's a figment of my mind
Broken fragments
that were almost whole

My life is a song
with a repetitive chorus
sang by a tone-deaf artist,
with no taste in lyrics.
Meaningless words
in an empty space,
just filling up the time
in between places.
My life is a song
with a meaningless chorus,
with words that don't mean a thing
to anyone but me.
My life is a song,
that will become someone's favorite,
my life is a song,
that someone hears every day.
My life is a song,
that I'm going to dance to.

So tired of fighting
every night
having my music on high
just trying to get through the night
wrapped up in a blanket
eight times my size
So tired of almost losing you
every night
it's like we're singing the same tune
over and over.
So tired of being told I told you so
by everyone who ever said you were bad for me
So tired of being called stubborn
for wanting to find out myself
what you were like
So tired of being in this state
every night
So tired of getting ******
at every little thing.
So tired of your jealousy,
that has no place.
So tired of being told not to talk to any of my friends,
because you're scared to lose me
but the words you say late at night
when sleep is avoiding you
and your actions mean anything but
So tired of arguing every night,
with my music up so high.

For the first time in his life,
he was speechless
not a word to say
A thought unformed,
a bell not rang
silently staring,
mouth agape
at the woman who made him think
in different ways

For the first time in her life,
she was speechless
to the woman who told her
she was beautiful
in so many different ways
she was speechless to the friends she had made
unable to formulate words,
chatterbox broken,
a record skipping

Like any other time in his life,
he was speechless,
not a word to say,
unforced words to people he'd never known
to people who don't care
until he's online,
with his fair share.

Like any other time in her life,
she was speechless,
but no,
not on paper,
her words flowed like a rushing river
but only on paper
to be unseen but to her.

Vanilla ice cream
Smeared on soft pink lips
Lean in for a kiss
Nearly miss
Sunset winds
Start again.

Hello,
you don't know me yet.
I'll bet you wish you wouldn't.
My name is Irrational,
and my hobbies include worrying about the world,
myself,
and everyone else.
My talents include cynicism and anxiety
and lacking variety
living in a not-so-high society.
Living with welts
on my heart
from being alone
for so long
begging for attention,
living with condescension.
Wondering what'll be on my gravestone.
"Loving mother, daughter, sister, wife,"
in the death of a cynic
another critic
comes another poem
about just some boring life.

Fire, fire, orange, tall, and bright
Symblance of desire and passion true
When fed by love, potential reach full height.
When we look for knowledge, we learn we knew.
The fire goes out when the clock strikes twelve
the fire's life goes out like the sun at night
Desire found during a dungeon delve,
the fire of life will brighten our blights.
The shock of sadness and grief dims our lights,
makes us worry that we are not alright.
The cold sets in, and reality bites,
the night outs us out, like a firefight.
Our longest lives are fire, tried and true,
we are all fires, even me and you.

Most people wouldn't say
that they found love
in a girl with red hair,
green eyes,
incredibly shy,
scared of food,
childish,
loves her music much too loud,
hates herself,
with an addiction to coffee,
cracked but not broken.

Most people wouldn't say
that they found a friend
in the girl with red hair,
even if she was trustworthy
she gives awful advice
has a bad way to approach things
and would prefer music and sleep
over people any day

Most people wouldn't say
that they found this girl interesting
pretty
talented
because she isn't
she's just another girl,
one with red hair and words to say
that no one will listen to,
and no one will confide in
no one will find
she's just going to be alone,
and she's okay with that.

She isn't about to blame them, because she wouldn't either.

Please.
Pleading.
Promising.
Pain.
******.

Painting a broken picture
on shattered glass
Playing games
with a fragile heart
broken yet, promised more
Picnicking alone in the dark
Pushed off a platform with rough paws
Passionate sins
picked up a pen,
and told the world what she says

Things are going to change
for the better
I can't keep going on with friends that only hurt me
and grades continuously dropping
I'm going to try so much harder
in everything I do
and not just lay in bed
all day
wondering what's wrong with me
I'm going to try to get better
and hopefully,
I'll do.

Today you said
you were ashamed of me,
that you didn't know why I existed..
you called me an anorexic *****
you told me I wasn't good at anything
and I was going to amount to nothing
you called me a depressed brat
well I'm sorry I seem that way
today you said you hated me,
to your friends
but today I heard.
And I didn't expect it.
but I didn't cry...
I didn't hate you...
I didn't respond...
I just walked outside
in the freezing snow
and made myself numb.
today you said I was worthless
and I've never deserved anything
or anyone
and today
I'm not sorry I don't meet your expectations

Sick stomach,
food that won't stay down.
Loud music,
drowning out the sound of sniffling.
Pillows damp,
from trying not to scream.
Tired body,
exhausted from doing nothing.
overactive brain,
thinking of way too many things.

Tonight's the night I lose my mind,
it left with all of the people that walked out
of my life tonight,
left me alone,
just simply alone.
No one is around anymore,
but I have my music,
I guess that makes up for it...

Shaking hands,
typing out words that they don't mean.
Heavy eyes,
that won't close.
Shivering body,
freezing under blankets.

I'm sorry I can't do anything for you,
I can't do anything for myself
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you
I'm not good enough for me either
I'm just a burden to you,
and you finally walked out of my life
Why can't I blame you?
I wouldn't have walked in

I know you don't want to hear this right now
or ever, for a matter of fact,
at least maybe not from me
but I want to tell you, and maybe you'll eventually see this
I love you
and I'm so proud of you
I miss you a lot
God if I could go back to March
and fix everything,
make it right, treat you the way you deserve
I would
but I can't
and I know you don't believe me and I wouldn't either
I don't know why I'm still so stuck on you

If I could go back to August
and if it made you better
to never meet me,
I'd make it that way
I'd never answer your messages,
Third period would be a nonexistent memory

If I could go back to every time I've hurt you
If I could punch myself in the ******* face
If I could change a lot of things
the main one being me
I'd fix it all
I want to ******* change
but even then
this is never going to be okay again will it?
or is that just me?

It seems all I write about is you
but you, you're always on my mind
I never meant to fall in love with you
but I did
Then I never meant to hurt you
but I did
I never want to see those tears again
I'd do anything for you,
my baby.
I can't thank you enough for everything you do for me
I can't thank you enough for loving me
I can write, and write,
I could write for ages and still never get you out of my mind
You're my world and more
And I'm realizing that now
I need you
I told myself I'd never let you complete me
but you do, you're my better half
I found love in the tall quiet sophomore
You hold my hand the way you hold my heart
You kiss me the way the sun kisses skin
Warm, caring, pure, beautiful
You hug me like you're never going to let go
I love you with every fiber of my being
If I was one to pray, I would thank anything holy
for giving me you, for letting me meet you
I'd change a lot of things since then
but I just hope you still love me,
the way you always have
I hope you can still see the girl I was before
Nothing about me has changed,
I'm still that girl
I just hope you love me,
and you don't have to force it
ever again
I could title this anything
I could leave a mark on anyone but I don't need that
The only one I'll ever need is you

God, do I wish I had a way to turn back time
get a rewind
replay all the memories,
change a lot of things.

Every time I hugged him,
I think of you.
I glance at where you sat,
without realizing,
and an overwhelming sense of sadness engulfed me

I wish I could change time,
I wish I wouldn't have done those things,
I wish I wouldn't have ignored you,
chose someone that's going to hurt me,
wish I still felt good enough for you,
wish I didn't think I deserved to be hurt,
and I'm sorry for all of these things,
and if I had one chance,
I'd redo it all.
From August to March.
I'd fix everything I've done.
I'd save you from the explosive one.

I regret everything
with all of my heart,
and all of my soul.

I keep thinking of you,
and your kisses,
your hugs,
and the words we shared,
I remember the fights,
I remember falling in love with you
I remember
I remember hurting you
I remember holding hands across my yard,
I remember the first time I went to your house
I remember when you started talking to me
I remember my ex girlfriend hating you..
I remember.
If I could change all of the hurt
all of the pain
all of the fights,
all of the regret,
I would,
in less than a heartbeat,
and if it killed me,
I wouldn't care.
If it wasn't hurting you.