I can see a world in your eyes
one that no one will understand

There's someone in my heart
whom I've almost lost
Who means the world to me.
He has black hair
and emerald eyes
A kissable mouth
To no surprise.
His kisses are heaven
and our cuddles are loving
and I'm just a brat
who takes everything too seriously
and cries at the drop of a hat
I try so hard
but sometimes it's not enough to me
I love him,
he loves me,
at least most of the time.
Sometimes I think
he may wish I was someone else,
someone sweeter,
nicer,
nothing like me
but then he says he loves me
and I forget those thoughts
and I know he does
just sometimes I don't love myself

I don't deserve it
but I love that you love me
I know I don't act like it
or tell you enough
but God.. I love you.
I can't tell you the joy I have in my heart.
I'm glad you gave me this chance.
I'm trying not to **** up
I know I'm a bad girlfriend
I know I'm hard to love
I get annoying, and I'm not that fun to be around
I take things too harshly sometimes
I know we're always going to have our ups and downs
but I love you.
and your green eyes
your fluffy hair and your freckles
you're so cute and sweet
and I love it when you sing
Your messy handwriting
and I'm proud of you
for everything
I know I don't act like it but I love you so much
I'm a clingy person
and I love your hugs
and your kisses
You're amazing in so many ways, and please don't leave me

You hold my heart in your hands
through all the things we've been
You could take it,
clench your hand,
and let the pieces drop away
or you could hold it.
Do what you wish,
it is yours.
I could stare into your eyes forever and a day
I could hold your hand until my wrist breaks
I could kiss you until the day we're dead
I could love you until the end of time
We'll never know
Maybe we're too young
Maybe your heart is elsewhere
Just know my heart you hold,
my gaze you keep,
my thoughts you occupy,
my dreams you wander.

I just wanna feel okay
One day
Without hating myself
regretting the things I do
A day without the thought
that I don't matter
I'm insignificant
Just one day
I'm so tired of being hurt
"needing therapy"
not wanting to get out of bed
so tired of people leaving
people assuming
tired of music not helping,
when it's the only thing that ever did,
so tired of no sleep,
dark eyes for days,
from the fight with my mind.
I'm so tired of being me,
and ruining everything I've ever loved,
ever needed,
I'm so tired of being the way I am,
and not changing.

Why the hell am I crying now,
everything is going so well.
So why do I have tears streaming down my face,
when I know I shouldn't?
Why do random bouts of self hate hit me,
at 12:25 am
when I should be asleep,
In bed?
After a full day of it pounding down
it decides to visit some more,
at the worst times
as I thought I was getting better,
at 12:25 am
hours before I should be awakened.

Hello, 2015
We're going to become well acquainted
Me and you, we're going to bring some more change
even more than 2014
Goodbye 2014,
we're through

Music.
One little thing
keeps a while society going.
Little people trying to find a home,
finding solace in the notes
that dance through their ears.
Lose yourself slowly;
find yourself faster.
Music is a home.
A home for the broken,
A home for the happy.
A home for the scared,
A home for the fearless.
A home for I,
a place I'll never leave.
Music,
What awaits me in my heaven;
and keeps me going through my hell.

What happened to a mother's love
What happened to a mother's faith
What happened to kisses at night,
an "I love you" now and then
What happened to "I'm proud of you"
Not another demand,
not another command
Not another choosing sides.
I'm your daughter
Maybe not your favorite,
maybe not what you wanted your girl to be
But I'm still supposed to be your daughter
Your "spitting image"
but now all I am it seems
is a disappointment,
someone not in your dreams

They always say
an artist's time
is late at night
or early morning
but mine
mine is now
evening,
night,
day,
bright,
sunny,
snowy,
rainy.
Our times are now.
Make the most of them.

I write letters to you
that I know you'll never see
but perhaps by one little mistake
one drop of the page
maybe you'll see your name
maybe you'll read the words I could never say.
I wish I would have stayed,
and done the things I knew I should.
Because now you're gone,
God,
do I miss you.
I know you hate me.
I know you don't want to talk to me,
I know I hurt you...

You told me to find someone else to hurt,
but I never wanted to hurt anyone,
especially not you.

You're the one that held me today.
You're the one that helped me with my tears.
You're the one who believed in me.
What happened in such a short time span?
I can't believe I'm missing you so much
and I hope I'll get over this
because I don't want to care anymore
not about anything.

I never meant to make your big green eyes shed tears,
your round face to be rubbed at, trying to hide tear streaks
I never meant for your hands to shake
or your throat to close when you see me
I never meant for your heart to break.

I don't have any other way to say this
and I know you still don't care
but I'm sorry to the ends of the earth
and I'll miss you for days to come
I love you,
and I am so, so, sorry.

Doing what you want to do
It can take a lot
Getting up and leaving
a friend,
a partner,
a relationship in any and all forms
but to make yourself happy
It's a life that you deserve
Happiness is a choice,
to not have it is absurd
Yes, there's a comfort in being numb
if it's all you've ever known
there's a comfort in tears
when you think you deserve it
I'd know.
But you don't deserve it
No one ever does
Be the old lady with tons of lines on her face
from laughing so hard in all of her days
Be the man with a smile always on his face,
or be the person who's just comfortable
You don't have to be sad,
though it's okay to be,
it's not a lifestyle,
so please don't make it out to be
don't torture yourself
with all of the pain.
Your appearance isn't the defining point in your life
It's not going to stop you from living the way you want

Staring at my bedroom walls
plain white
I paint pictures
inside my mind
what could be,
what is,
what was,
what will never be

Words pour out of my ears,
as I turn another page
of a book I recently started reading

Mind is wandering,
here, there, everywhere
Places unknown

Ink smudges
as I run my hand over the words
of my soul
poured out onto a page
for none to see
but all to know

You say you’re here
You’re not, not at all
You’re falling apart
Desk against the wall
Screeching as you plop down
Your hand raised as your name is called
You look like you’re about to fall
A face missing all emotion
Hands with profoundly visible veins
Tired eyes,
a deceitful smile
Asked if you’re okay,
you reply with a simple “I’m fine”
And maybe you are
Maybe you just stayed up a little too late
Pushed a little too far
Maybe you’re hurting,
Maybe no one knows
Maybe it’s your secret
Kept behind closed doors

At the point where
I don't know why I'm still trying to impress you
make you proud of me,
because all you do is scream
tell me I could be better.
You can say whatever
but tonight I'm not coming undone.
I tried, and it's good enough for me
I can't do any more.
I've done the best I can
and you only want more

I'm like a bomb
a countdown
three, two, one
Now I'm exploded,
gone,
made into another one
Anger larger than my four foot nine frame
greener than my eyes with envy,
stuck in an never ending hole of self hate
please don't get near me,
I'm just ticking
I don't want to hurt you,
with the words I say
because I don't think.
I don't want you to hate me,
but if you talk to me,
that's what will happen
I'll just blow up your world...

"It's okay baby, it's going to be okay." His tall frame held my fragile, petite one.

"No, it's not. You're going to leave too." Little did I know in that moment... he really would.

"I love you." In that moment, I froze.

"I hate you." In that moment, I shattered.

"You lied to me." I didn't lie.

"You never meant anything to me." In that moment, I was gone beyond repair.

"I care." In that moment, I was doubtful.

"I'm sorry." In this moment, I was truthful.

"Please don't take those pills again." In this moment, I wasn't worried.

"Are you okay?" An question that the answer will never grace my lips.

I'm breaking, but I'm not broken. Not yet.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough
Can't save you from the comfort of wanting to die
I can't stop you from putting those pills in your mouth
Can't save you from the hell of a broken heart
Hell, I can't even help myself.

I can't stop you from hating me
I can't stop you from telling everyone how bad I am
I can't stop crying anymore,
i'm so tired of breaking down.
Hell, I'm never going to stop.

I'm sorry I'm not a good friend,
I'm sorry I couldn't make you stay
I'm sorry to the groups of people I've annoyed
I'm sorry to everyone
Hell, I'm never going to stop.

Can you hear the silence?
It's inside my mind
Can you see the dark?
It's darker inside
Can you fix the broken?
Is there any way to know?
Can you feel... can you feel my heart?
Pounding against my chest

Can you help the hopeless?
There's no help for the ******
Well, I'm begging on my knees,
You're never going to get it
Can you save my ******* soul?
Our souls are meant for hell
Will you wait for me?
No one ever waits

I'm sorry brothers,
So sorry.
So sorry lover,
I know you didn't want me
Forgive me father,
I wish you would have stayed
I love you mother.
though I'm not sure how much I meant to you sometimes

Can you hear the silence?
It's in my mind
Can you see the dark?
It's darker inside
Can you fix the broken?
There's no way to know

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.
But it's all I ever known
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
But that is something I'll never feel
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.
Like an anchor in the dark blue sea of tears
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.
*Unlike me

I feel so empty.
hollow.
broken.
scared.
tired.
cold.
wandering an empty world
with hollow souls
and broken smiles
scared minds
tired eyes
cold hands
and caged hearts
and high walls

Welcome to my conscience
Where I get lost,
Graffiti-like words swirling
turning grey, black, monochrome
Where everything turns negative
Where everything is dead,
field of wilted roses
dead daisies
one lone living sunflower
that I call hope
the colors of the rainbow
Red, for love, dulling yet strong
Orange, for happiness, flashing in, fading out
Yellow, for intelligence
Green, for purity and growth
Blue, for trust, the strongest, the brightest
Indigo, for addiction, the one I have to you
And violet. The only color that's almost invisible
The color of fulfillment.
Wrapping around in streaks of color
like watercolor on blinding white paper
This is my conscience
Filled with words unspoken, unwritten
Images of my own
Memories of you coming in flashes
Memories of me coming in short bursts
This is my conscience
this is my mind
Come back any time

I'm in such a slump
can't write
can't read
spend my days on youtube
blaring music too
smiling faces just pass me by
and I don't know what I'm doing.
Just waiting,
missing you,
being lonely,
wanting to put myself into action
but I can't find the strength in me to move
knowing I have no reason
to miss you
I convinced myself otherwise.
Music's too loud,
extremely hot showers
freezing cold
Whatever makes me not feel numb

December 21st,
the year of 2013
I made a promise to myself
and I've kept it.
Over a year, I haven't self harmed.
No blade, object have I used to cut my skin.
And I am proud.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."
Which, my friend, is none.
We never think we deserve any love.
Maybe we'll mess up the love we get,
and pretend it doesn't hurt,
and we'll be happy for them
when they find someone that is not us
because then, they'll be happy,
and that's all we want.
We don't deserve love,
because we can't show it back,
because we can't handle it,
because we can't think to ourselves
that this is really happening,
You can't see for yourself.
You don't trust,
don't think it's anything real.
Maybe we're a "special" kind of breed,
something that needs fixed.

I am sorry
that I am going to come off as a *****
but I,
my friend,
Can't stand you like I used to.
You brag
and you scream
and you ignore me
but say hello to me
when no one is around.
Please tell me
what I did wrong
for us to grow apart-
It's almost like you didn't care.
Did you?
Or was I used to boost your ego?
I wasn't like you,
not good at the things you do.
I'm inferior
so to speak.
I complimented you.
I supported you.
That I didn't get in return.
I got ignored in return.
So tell me,
old friend,
Did I boost your ego?

Don’t mind me. I’m just your heart, seeing things your eyes never could.
I’m just your eyes, gazing into blank space, tears threating to spill over.
I’m just your hands, shaking at your thoughts.
I’m just your face, devoid of all emotion.
I’m just your mouth, pretending to be happy, twitching as I smile.
I’m just your heart, slowly disintegrating and falling apart.
I’m just your soul, spiraling deeper into nothingness.
I’m just your mind, pushing you farther away from all you’ve ever wanted.
I’m just your stomach, craving food you don’t want.
I’m just your dreams, giving you peace of mind for a little while.
Don’t mind me, I’m the songs you love.
I’m the food you love.
I’m the drinks you drink.
I’m the one who loves you unconditionally.
I’m your honest moments.
I’m your vulnerability.
I’m the one you love with all your heart.
I’m the moon you look at through the night.
I’m the poetry you write, the words you say.
You are what you love, not what’s wrong with you.
You are the love in your heart.

Ever reread messages
and they break you the same way
over, and over again?
Just to hurt yourself?
Just so you know that you were never the only one?
That you were never good enough?
Do you just need reminders
though it eats you every day
Bites at your chest
Leaves a hole

Do you cry everyday,
for no reason at all
but your thoughts
and they way they break you down
Do you ever just leave yourself shattered
because you just don't feel good enough

Do you ever take offensive jokes seriously
because you've always heard them and be meant true

When you look at her
and her tangled dam of string
what do you think of her?
do you think she's beautiful?
with her swollen red lips,
messed up hair,
half lidded eyes,
Do you love her in that moment?

When you look at him
on top of you
eyes lingering hungrily over your body
do you think he's perfect?
do you see his bright eyes and
know that this
is the only man for you?
Do you feel the love when
he traces his
fingers over your thighs
and
tells you he'll take care of you?
Do you
love him when
he leaves you sleeping?

Do you think they're beautiful?

Hurting me:
No one does it better than you
Emotions played
Nights spent crying
Days spent dying
Words said,
that weren't meant to be said
that weren't meant to be heard
that weren't meant to hurt.

Missing you:
I do that a lot
I wish I didn't.
It keeps me awake
Made my own mistakes
regret everything I've said.

You told me she was pretty
and I already knew that,
you told me I was a liar
and that hurt.
you told me I shouldn't care, and honestly...
I shouldn't
but I do
I hurt so much,
and I hate it
So tired of crying and breaking down
so tired of saying it doesn't matter and I'm fine
I can't do this anymore
I can't lose anymore
not that there's anything left to lose.

"You eat too much"
I've ate twice in the past week
and I've threw up the first time
I've lost 10 pounds
throughout the past few months
I only weigh 91 pounds now
It isn't my fault,
that I have to eat...
I've ate twice,
this week.
and I didn't finish either meal..
but yet I eat too much...
Here, just let me stop eating
maybe then you'll see
the thoughts inside my head
are enough for me

What if I told you
your eyes are the prettiest colour?
I could get lost in them
like a fox in a forest

Forever just a failure
with dark circles
and tired eyes
small shaky hands
messed up face
just as messy hair
music too loud
maybe ****** in the head
anxious thoughts
intense fear in crowds
only feel at home in between music notes
indecisive
never know what's wanted
needed
deserved
not what's desired
hates going places
deserves all the hate
never eats what's on the plate
can't keep a friendship
forever unhealthy looking
either too big or too small
the quiet thing that no one notices
always tired, always sleeping
just a failure by design
not a **** thing is right

I always said I'd never get attached again
but I did
oh god I did
and it's been up and down
but I wouldn't change it
some things just happen
and this was one of them

Everyone tells me I have a way with people
I make them leave
and it's true
and I've accepted that
but I don't want you to leave

It's you and me and all of the people,
with nothing to do,
and nothing to prove
to quote my favorite song

I know I tend to just let people see what they deserve
and that's usually not me,
it's better than I
but that's alright.
that's okay.
That's all I'm here to do,
lift you up to the stars,
and wave from the ground,
and you'll not remember the speck of earthly dust
as you're floating in the clouds

Sometimes you have to be lost
in order to find the answer
Sometimes, you have to be wrong
in order to know what's right
You're going to follow bad advice
You're going to make mistakes
You're going to deal with pain
and one day, you'll find that rain
can make rainbows
You just have to find your sunshine

Why me?
Avoid sitting by me
avoid eye contact
look at me like I don't belong near you.
At a table with friends
ignored.
not as important
as
what they had to do that day
in English class.
But I'm not important.
Forgotten in conversation,
cut off while talking
forgotten, forgotten, forgotten
like vegetables on a child's plate
or a napkin in a pant's pocket.
This is me
forgotten
never to be remembered.
School forgets me
thought my name was Brittany
Puts smart or athletics on a pedestal
but if you're like me
you don't matter
Forgotten in the wind
not to be remembered
by a soul.

Good morning, sunshine
Nine-thirty a.m
and you're lighting up my life.
Good morning, sunshine
that warms me to my bones,
and makes me feel alive.
Light dancing off the tin roof,
dewdrops sparkling like glitter glue.
Say hello to the bright azure sky,
blow kisses to the moon, goodbye.

Goodnight, goodnight
Stars so bright,
twinkling in your eyes,
goodnight, goodnight
Lips of faded skin,
skin of porcelain
Black shirt, black shirt
What are you worth?
I love you, I love you
Kisses of beautiful sin
I love you, I love you,
to hold me is bliss
one I'll surely miss
Goodnight, goodnight,
my darling tonight.
Have you ever seen the rain?
The sky cries
as the stars twinkle in your eyes
but goodnight, goodnight
the moon says goodnight.

Scrolling absentmindedly
Eyes unfocused
mind not on what I'm seeing on the screen
pain in my chest,
a burning like hell in my throat
regret slowly slicing my soul
So much to say
not even worth it to say,
nothing even matters anymore,
what's the point?
I wish everyone would forget me
that I exist
Anything I've ever said,
done,
thought.
Because it's all ****** up.
It shouldn't have happened
I shouldn't have happened

Happiness is like a dream
something I can recall,
but it isn't tangible and
I can't seem to reach it,
there's a road block in my way
Too tall to climb over,
too far in the ground to crawl under
stretches for miles
and made of thoughts and
self-hating theories

That wall has ruined a lot for me,
it never seems to understand I don't like it
Can't really take a hint
I've beat the **** out of it,
and it hasn't budged
It's pretty exhausting.
Don't call it fight when you know it's a war,
with nothing but your t-shirt on
You can fight a wall
but you're not going to get anywhere

It's an imaginary wall
Really, just an illusion
a hypothetical object stopping me
but it seems so real
and it really hurts
hitting it again
and again
and again and again

I was hoping this year was going to be better for me,
but really,
I'm only worse,
and it's only February.

Happiness is a rainy day
Happiness is soft teddy bears
Happiness is your forehead kisses,
and the way you always put a smile on my face
Happiness is laying with you
Happiness is looking into your eyes and seeing life
Happiness is pineapples,
and loud music,
Happiness is tiny kittens,
Happiness is your favorite sport ,
long naps,
tight hugs
Happiness is your lips on mine,
your presence by my side
Happiness is me
Happiness is you
Happiness is us

I miss you
it's a weight on my chest
I just want you here
but that's nothing new, it's all the time
I'm a little too affectionate sometimes
or all the time
I want to be curled up to you
falling asleep
talking about nothing,
it's just the small things

Everyone always told me to be happy
no one really accepted how
I'm getting there
and maybe when you leave,
if you ever do,
I'll go back to being sad
but that's life
it's okay,
things go on
bring the happiness to yourself
let it be

The things that make you happy
should keep you happy
A face full of happiness,
lit up,
eyes bright,
smiling
it's the best thing
when people are happy
being excited about things
it warms my heart to see

I know it's hard,
I can just imagine your green eyes
puffy and red,
tears streaming down.
I don't know what to say,
but I hope you'll be okay.
I know it's hard,
but it's a part of life,
it's going to happen eventually
to all of us.
You mean the world to me
and it hurts me to see you this upset
I hate hearing you cry.
I hate knowing you are.
I hate that you aren't happy.
I know it's hard,
and one day,
maybe not soon,
you'll go on.
You'll move on and forget.
I promise,
I've been there.
It's hard, I know,
but to reach happiness,
you have to chase that ****** down and catch it
in your hands.

I would hate to lose my vision
because the world is so beautiful
still, serene, peaceful water,
bright blue skies filled with gray stratus clouds,
dew drops on freshly grown green grass
muddy brown creeks,
with small skipping rocks bouncing,
splashing,
a little kitten, barely old enough
to open sweet little eyes
Tall trees covered in powdery snow,
small puppy prints in the blanket of crisp white velvet

I would hate to lose my sense of hearing
because there's an abundance of sweet sounds.
Kittens purring,
wind blowing,
pitter-pattering rain on an old tin roof,
soft snoring of your lover beside you
people's chatter in the street
laughing ringing out clearly

I'm the kind of person
who only stays around long enough to help someone
and to put them on their feet
and help them realize,
how good they can be
and when they leave,
I smile and I wave
because what I'm here to do
is help
and I know I'm going to be left in the dust
and that's alright by me.
As long as I can help you,
that's all I need

Here we are
I knew it would end up like this
Feel like I'm drowning
yet again
always saved the moment before I do
it's always my fault
I hold my head under,
not wanting to come up
there's not an effort to be made
because there's no point to me,
everyone leaves anyway
I'm too much to handle,
not good enough
just a mess too big to clean up
don't know why you still try,
I would have given a long time ago
I **** you off,
make you mad,
upset you,
and I hate it
but it's not going to change

Listening to music,
eating a hot pocket
drinking coffee,
at 11 at night
messy bedroom,
needs cleaned
Notes for school need finished,
filled out on a wrinkled piece of paper
need to be up at six,
won't go to bed until three,
just scrolling hellopoetry
and having a normal night
eating hot pockets and drinking coffee
wondering why even if she tried,
she couldn't sleep
helping people with their problems
when she can't even help herself
she takes another sip of her coffee
and starts again,
waiting until six a.m
until the time she has to get dressed and leave,
socialize with human beings
try to learn something,
because knowledge is good,
but not learning anything because her mind is elsewhere,
poetry, self hate, daydreaming, anything
she takes the last bite of her hot pocket,
drinks her coffee,
and says
"I swear it doesn't get any better than this"
with a small chuckle.

How does it end up
in sadness
bruises
****-ups,
and tears,
and hatred from so many different ways?

How does it end up
the same endings
the same songs
the same numbness
the same sleepless nights
the same regrets

How does it end up
with two hearts torn
and one hated
and one with intense regrets
and no way to fix it
it shouldn't have happened at all

I need you,*
but you needed to leave me
I had you,
but you never had me
I love you,
but did you ever love me?
I saw you,
tears, sadness, pain
laughter, happiness, gain
but did you notice?
I noticed you,
and your green eyes
opened wide,
susceptible.
I miss you,
but you don't miss me,
you have a friend of mine
that used to mean the world to me
now you're both gone
and I'm lonely
and alone, I suppose.
Soul torn open,
words dripping out,
eyes closed tightly,
tears slipping now.