The night was dark, and for that I was grateful.
I could not see your eyes.
If I did, I would lose myself even more.
For in your voice I heard the bitterness,
something no longer there.
Your voice was that of a stranger.
A stranger I haven't met,
a stranger far different from the one,
I came to love.

For a second, I thought you were angry.
I wanted to believe that you were.
I imagined a reaction,
an emotion.
Anything.
Because I could not stand, indifference.
I could not bear the pain of suddenly being unable to recognize,
what was on your mind,
what was in your heart.

And that was something,
I did not wish to see in your eyes.
For the eyes, can never lie.

And if I saw it,
and confirmed it,
my eyes won't lie either.
It will tell you I love you,
and yours will say no, thank you.

the problem is i remember,
everything is all coming back to me
from the moment i first saw you,
to the moment you looked at me with love.

my home is all but cluttered with memories of you
in parts and pieces
mostly whole.
you were my home,
and now i'm at a place where everything is scattered,
my mind,
all the places you've touched,
all the kisses you gave,
all the smiles you threw my way
all the love.

the first time I ever saw you
I knew
I knew,
I could like you for a long time
and that your face would always be engraved
in my mind,
in my heart.

perhaps, I wasted too many time.
perhaps, I am a little too late.
but I never forget the first time I ever saw you.
I knew,
I knew.

sometimes, I fall into deep despair,
plagued with thoughts
and
remembering every moment,
and second
that hurt.
I feel like a failure for every moment
that I cause anger,
that I cause you to get lost,
that I cause a change,
sometimes for the worst.
Maybe its true
that I everything I touch
with my heavy hands,
shatters at some point,
and
it is what I end,
picking up.
Its why I always end up with
broken
and
bleeding hands.

Only this time,
I swear,
this too shall pass.

to you, my sweet,
my sunshine --
thank you.
for carrying me through the rough waters,
the rock bottom and my own perilous self --
for holding me with your steady hands
after i stumbled and fell into what felt like a chasm
filled with anxiety and despair
for being resolute,
despite my unwillingness to move --
thank you.

i do not know what i did, or what i have done,
to deserve someone so beautiful and kind.

for all that you did and all that you've done,
i will remember,
for always.

your kisses are made of heaven
and you somehow made me forget about
all the other kisses i have ever had

ever since your lips laid on mine
i could not stop thinking about it
and how i wish
it will always find its way to my lips
again and again
until you finally whisper that
you love me.

for every day that you're gone
i'm scared i'd lose you even more
you are so close,
yet so far away.
when will this fear come to an end?

you said you were scared of losing me
i guess one day
you just decided to conquer your fears then,
i guess one day
you decided it was time to leave me,
i guess one day,
you decided, i was not worth it any longer.

i'm back to being just a star
in your universe
and while you seek for a brighter star,
i will still be here,
until the universe decides,
it isn't meant to be.

stop saying you're miserable
because you don't know misery
it hasn't landed on your doors
nor has it ever been on your feet.

misery is a concept you're trying so hard to get to
and you destroy people to get to it
you cause misery
you are misery to people
but you will never feel misery
nor will you be able to claim
you're in misery
because misery is only for the good

they say time heals all wounds,
but i guess,
i wasn't just wounded,
when i lost you,
for after all this time,
i still bleed for you.

its been a long time,
since i've talked with you
and its been a longer time
since i've had you
near me.

for a while, i thought i was done
with all spectrum of emotions i felt for you.
for a while, i thought i no longer cared.
all those times were all in vain,
for i still miss you,
more than ever.

its all just hitting me now
every bone
every fiber
every nerve of me
is finally absorbing the shock
and
the thought of you,
gone,
and away from me.

i wish you'd come back.
**or rather, i wish i never left

my sweet darling,
this is my confession to you --
to not be with you
to not go out and look for you
is the most difficult challenge
and the hardest form of love
i will ever do.

i lost the other half of my self within you
and i have not been able to get it back
ever since
you and  i
fell apart.

i know you do not want me to seek for you
i know you want me to let you go
and i have, in all the ways i can
but my heart cannot,
my mind cannot set you free
for i bound myself to you and only you
for ages to last.

and though some days i attempt to unchain myself,
it is you,
ultimately,
only you,
and your love --
that can set me free.


if you choose to love me right this time,
and destiny decides to tear us apart,
then i will know --
i shall know,
that you've set me free,
the universe and you,
have set me free.

as I sat down one day,
I tried to remember you,
to think of you,
to write about you.
I could not form the words that I wanted to say --
the words I wanted you to hear
the words I wanted you to see.

as I sat down one day,
I heard your laugh at the edge of my ears,
I saw the flash of your smile from the corner of my eyes,
I smelled the scent of your hair from the tip of my nose.

I wish I never sat down that one day.
Sadness was what it brought me,
for I can only remember the good in you,
and
I
still
can't
find
myself
for I am lost in the worst part of you.

as I sat down one day,
I remembered,
I disintegrated.

I beg you to not be temporary.
I beg you to be the one with me at 3 am
I beg you to take me seriously
because underneath all the jokes,
the laughter,
your frustration towards me,
I am slowly
gravitating
towards
you
in the most human
and vulnerable
way possible.
I beg you to stay.
I just can’t say it yet
because every time I do,
the opposite occurs
so I’ll write about it.
I’m falling in love
with
you
and
its
stupid.
So please.
I beg you not to run away with my heart.
I beg you to stay
for a while.

I will forget how you sound.
I will forget how you formed words between your lips.
I will forget how bright my days were when you smiled at me and how dark my hours were when you smothered me with pain and regret.
I will forget how you called my name.
I will forget how warm your body was pressed against mine.
I will forget how cold it was the day you left and how time seemed to freeze at that moment.
I will forget the dark days. I will forget how your lips tasted.
I will forget the future I mapped out for us.

Someday.
One Day.
Today.

A - girl filled with exciting stories,
D - aring me to take constant adventures and to  
V - enture out of my comfort zone,
E - nter her world and
N - avigate through her
T - ormented heart

and
stay,
until she feels
that
I could be the one to complete
her unspoken adventures,
her need for sorrow
the freedom and chains
she wants
and needs

once in a while,
love changes form
it turns from a sweet sunrise
to a sad sunset
a beautiful love song
to a melancholic tune
and though love hurts
when it changes forms
love will always be love
through the rain and fire
love prevails the change in intensity
and that's what I learned the day I learned
to let my anger,
go.

you were his star
but to me you are the universe
you were his relentless sea wave
but to me you are the ocean

i am just a star, and
darling
you light up the sky
above me,
because you
are
my universe

I never understood the science of missing somebody
I know biology has an explanation for why we miss someone,
but why,
why is there a need for it?
why does it occur almost immediately,
seconds even after
our skins collided?
why should I miss something that is not entirely my own?
why
must
this
be
the
prerequisite
to
falling
in
love?

some days I wished for things
that just can't be
some days I yearn for your realizations
some days I want to be your only star
but those are the days where I completely agonize myself
from foolishness
from selfishness
and in my despair
I found rationalization
that some things are not meant to be thought,
said
or done
but only on some days.

i once swore on dew filled grass
i would not dare
to make that sin.
but
for you, I did.
for you, I huffed
and puffed
for you, I crossed the line.


as you ignited the devil in me,
my old self felt betrayed
for it was
a promise --
a promise to myself
but
some promises are indeed
made to be broken

if there's one thing i am sure of
however,
it is that,
i'm willing to let go of my inhibitions
my worries,
retired promises,
for us.

you are the sin,
the mischief i've managed
the glorious forbidden
lady of my life.

you are an entire symphony all on your own
and i'm hoping to be granted a
chance to be a measure
a movement
in the music
that is you

maybe i’m no longer suffering.
maybe this is just the after shock.
maybe, i don’t miss you anymore.
maybe i’m just experiencing what’s left of me
maybe, it isn’t supposed to be like this.
its been while but i still feel the same.
and maybe its because of you.

every night i lie awake
thinking when will I finally be able to sleep
without thinking about you
the past
and the future

those rare moments where I do get sleep,
i keep having the same dreams
and they're all about you

when will this madness stop?
when will i find peace in my slumber?

Perhaps one day I’ll understand why we were never made to last.
Perhaps one day I’ll get used to the idea that you were never the one.
I know in some corners of my mind, I still hope you are but maybe I’m just in love with the memory of you — the perfect you.
But, I’m hoping maybe one day I’ll grow weary of waiting.
Perhaps, one day I’ll finally
be able to say I have let myself go
from voluntarily shackling myself
in your hand that was long gone.

life is a constant struggle and sometimes i’m just lost.
i don’t know how to deal with it.
i just want to get a life mentor sometimes
so i know if things are worth it.
i’ve read so much about life but i find it hard to actually apply everything i’ve learned.
i realized.
i’m still on my journey.
*its okay not to have things figured out.

in the velvet of night,
cradled by the sway of our breaths,
alcohol painting our whispers,
i confessed a thousand I love you's
into the sanctuary of your arms.
it struck me,
with the force of a meteor shower,
the sheer magnitude of my desire
for you to be a constant star in my galaxy.
the miles between us,
a chasm filled with the echoes of our laughter,
taught me the bittersweet symphony of our impossibility.
yet,
in the fleeting dance of our togetherness,
i found clarity in the chaos —
a declaration,
carved into the marrow of my bones,
that you are the anchor in my ever-shifting tides.
i will set my sails to the rhythm of the sea,
charting a course through waters both wild and serene.
but know that in the depths of my soul,
it is your name that is etched as my true north.

for my heart is irrevocably yours —
this, the only certainty in my odyssey.