Please refrain
A sea of words
So my A.D.D. brain
Can find solace

I know you don't know me
But I've known you since 14
Like a long time friend
But I just look at a screen
Before I could drive
I watched your rise to fame
Back in 2013

As I wandered the halls
Face heavy as lead
I smeared on black eyeliner
Just as you said
You did at the same age
And I listened to Muse
Alongside the whole phandom
Just cause you liked the band

I'd come home after school
Throw my body on the bed
As the woes of adolescence
Rang over my head
A quiet, depressed girl
Shoving cinnamon bread
Down her throat

I opened my computer
And watched you and Phil
For hours and hours
And hours on end
As many teens still do to this day
You brightened my smile in a way
That very few could do
Especially back in those
Dark days at school

I'd sketch your old username
Into my desk
Hoping that the person
Who sat there next
Might possibly know
Who danisnotonfire is
The chance was small
With only one million subs
You were all ours

Time has passed
I was doing algebra
While you were becoming world famous
I was about to graduate
While you were on tour
I was overcoming my depression
As where you

As fate has it
I reached another all time low
The waves caved in on me
I had no where to turn to
So I retreated back to that place
I went many years ago
And watched your videos
The familiar rhythm of your voice
Your now curly hair
It was like a distant memory
Coming to life again

You and Phil deserve the world, Daniel James Howell
Your smiles and laughter are contagious
In this world of mistrust and confusion
You are there for anyone who needs it
And your fame hasn't changed you one bit
You are who I'm going to show my kids to when I'm 30
My grandkids when I'm 60
And tell them you meant the world to so many
Thank you, Daniel Howell
I love you

Empty bodies
Trading masks
To wear on certain occasions
While beings form
From the murky waters
Of truth
Into systematic
Artificial
Operative
Efficient
Structures of lies
That keep kindred souls
Trapped behind
A window pane
Watching the world collapse
In 2D motion
Only to find freedom
Within the mind.

We haven’t spoken in so long
I haven’t forgot about you
I’m sorry I went away...
You know how things have been
Would you like to go out on the town?
Have a glass of Chardonnay or two
Then we can wait for a taxi
As the neon lights of the city
Ricochet of the puddles of rain
And we laugh as we get drenched
In my little black dress and your suite and tie

I’ve missed you.
I feel like I don’t really know you anymore
Maybe if we ease into it slowly
Things will go back to the way they used to be
I don’t know what else to say...
The words are escaping me
I love you.
Please forgive me.

Please don't hurt
Across the computer screen
I cannot hold you in my arms
I can't stand when your eyes fill with fear
And your voice becomes monotone
Our souls are too similar
That your pain seeps through your monitor
Into my veins
I know my touch
Would wash your worries away
But for now
I send my light to you, my dear
One day
I will press my palm upon your face
As you do mine

Ô

It's silly how
A little red number one
A yellow lightning bolt
Brings a rush of dopamine
So minor
Yet so addictive
That the aspiration
For validation
Might as well be so strong
That the cord of your mouse
Is shooting ******* through your arm
And moments are spent
Mind-numbingly
Refreshing the page
Just to see if a stranger
Not much different than yourself
Bothered to click a **** button

TW

The world stands still
And a silent scream
Bounces off
The synthetic walls
As people transform
To hollow statues
Void of consciousness
A million miles
Away from here

The scream gets louder
And fills my empty chest
Tightly squeezing
Every inch of peace
Out of my pulsating veins

I dangle
On the edge of a cliff
And with every pulsating heartbeat
I loosen my grip

As words slip from my mind
The hands on the clock
Spiral down to hell
Taking my sanity with it
And I just
Feel
Everything

Till I'm numb
It fades away
I cry
And shake
I am saved

I blanket my mind
Blurry my view
And nothing but
Fuzzy faces
Fluorescent lights
The hum
Of inane static noise
Envelope my head
Like a shot of Novocain
With the sweet
Sense of distance

Disorientation
Is the only destination
For a world with a compass
Spinning out of control
But to let go
Is to fling into space
Slowly suffocate
And fade away
But the problem is
I
Don't
Care.
Compass
Please fly me
Away from here

"HEYYYY"
Mind screams
****
Forgot to shut it up with that little blue pill again
Too late
Morning will be torturous either way
Dragged to hell by sleep deprivation
Or the reminents of a pill taken a little too late at night
Pick your poison  
Well well
Sleep deprivation it is
Now that you have my utmost attention
What would you like to tantalize me with tonight?
A poem?
Fantastic!
Not like my emotional or physical wellbeing matters anyway
Please
Entertain me with your 2 AM blues
Ugh
So late
Really?
Why are we googling North Korea?
Can't we do this tomorrow?
I'm gonna hate you so bad tomorrow