Permanence
Could never be understood
By someone so temporary
Such as myself

The sky is on fire
It burns red hot and strikes a match to clear water
Everything’s up in flames but it’s calm,
Comfortable in the chaos

I cleansed my sheets of you today
Spread out the sheet and tucked in the corners with extra care
Laid a blanket down, taking a moment to spread my hands across it, feeling the softness
Crawling into it felt odd at first
I knew you weren’t in it anymore
You weren’t wrapping yourself around me and keeping me warm while I slept
You weren’t protecting me from the world around me so I could have a moment at peace
That wasn’t you anymore
So now I have these sheets
Clean, fresh, warm, and not you
What a relief
I pull the sheets in closer, closer
Breathing deeply into them and asking them to keep me warm and safe
Holding me all night while I try not to dream of you

The sound of your breath steadies me, it makes me feel alive,
It makes me notice my own breath and the way I feel inside.

Your part in my life reassures my that I am really here,
Without you, who's to say I didn't make it all up from fear.

That’s the secret trick
But then again
There are some nights
That even when you flip,
And lay back down,
Some tears soak through,
But then again it’s just some nights,
Flip the pillow over

You sit and admire the flowers so long
That you start to spot the thorns
But you smile and smell them anyway
With hands made to stand firm

You loosen and tug the weeds out
Allowing space for new growth
With seeds you collect and plant
Building my garden
better than I ever could

Kiss me passionately
Like your lips
And my lips
Are our lips
Flowing in synchrony
Pushing hard against each other
And pulling away in the most
Tense moments
Breathe in me
Take me and hold me above the ground
While I drown in you
And the water
Pours from my lips
Just from the touch of your kiss

Like a drug,
You seep out of my skin;
The withdrawal makes me feel dizzy,
Unable to stand or support myself.
My mind craves of nothing but you,
I hate being sober.

I collected the parts that people liked
Dug up the roots to see how they grew
And planted them in my own garden
So when you say my garden is beautiful
I say thank you but I know
Because I built it for you

Green
Like moss, ripe avocados and my favourite sheets
Brown
Like oak, roasted chestnuts, and tasting chocolate on your tongue
Blue
Like the ocean, your boxers and the sky just after sunset

Why is it
That the more times
I say I’m okay
The closer I get
To not being okay

Covering ourselves in night cream, we fight our wrinkles, and buy anything that says anti-aging.
We want our skin to stay frozen.
Frozen in a time when we didn't even appreciate the glow of young skin.
Spent our entire youth hating what we saw in the mirror and doing everything we could to keep it covered.
Under thick masks and dark outlines we tried new products, techniques, designs,
Searching for one that made us feel pretty.
We let - no - we pay doctors to stick long needles into our soft features and change them with chemicals making us less human and more plastic
and that's just our face
our bodies? we do so much worse
Starving ourselves till our heart shrinks in the only thing running through our brains is you are fat, you are fat, you are fat, and who is to blame us when everything we see is telling us to believe that
“I run so I can eat” “I work out because I love food”
These words are printed on shirts that we wear when we should feel powerful but instead send the messages that you don't deserve to eat unless you earn it
Burning every last calorie until we are empty again
We work so ******* fixing our bodies, but maybe that's not what's broken maybe the repair work is needed in our heads and in our hearts tweaking until we can find a connection of love between our bodies and our minds.
The same genuine love you have for your mom, or your dog, or your daughter
Unconditional, Everlasting,
When will we learn to love ourselves?

When did your arms become so heavy I can’t escape,
Before I go farther, let me say this is not a poem about ****.
But how does your smile look genuine, while your eyes don’t look sincere.
Maybe I’m seeing the reflection of mine, that explains the flashes of fear.
Your fingers burn on my skin, isn’t this supposed to feel good?
The tight grips on small places, everyone said it would.
The more I try to stop you, the more I realize you have control.
Why can’t I get you off me, your body swallows me whole.
You laugh when I say no, taking all of my power away,
You laugh like it’s a game, just like any other day.
I grab your hand wherever it moves, trying to stop you in your tracks.
Over and over you say the same words, “c’mon, just relax.”
You aren’t a stranger, I know you, I know your parents, your friends.
I never expected this, how did I miss it, I looked through the wrong lens.
My head is screaming, glancing at the door I want someone to walk through.
Interrupt us, save me from this moment, but there’s no one to turn to.
I push, twist and rip my wrists from your grasp, standing free.
The smile is wiped from your face, I feel a tremble in my knee.
Jaw clenching, you realize you aren’t getting your way.
You get your things, crack a joke before heading for the doorway.
You almost leave, but not before saying “wow didn’t know you were so lame.”
One more carefully placed move as you continue your game.
Those words carve into my body with a ragged ***** knife.
I doubt I'll ever forget them for the rest of my life.
I told you it wasn’t a poem about ****, didn’t I?
But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a victim or a bad guy.

I feel brought back to life
By the touch of your lips
I feel most like myself
With your hands on my hips
Why do I feel most grounded
While I’m falling from the grips

His eyes are pale blue oceans that shimmer with the sun,
they look right through me and there's nowhere I can run.
His breath is cool against my neck and sends shivers down my spine,
I'm drunk off his words and his presence blurs my mind.
Like tunnel visions, all I see is him,
and when he's gone all I feel is where his hands have been

He said you know I love you

I said,
               remind me

Let the bottom fabric tickle the top of my thighs like your fingers do,
breathe in deep and worry washes out onto the floor.
Let the threads collapse into my skin and wind around my veins,
entrenching you deep into my body, so I can’t slide out of your grasp.
Let your smell and touch sneak into my dreams
and sweeten them with your honeyed smile and speckled cheeks.
Let me be a part of us indefinitely, an unwavering promise

When you slip into my mind,
Yes even after all this time.
I am filled with far too many words,
They flutter around like butterflies or birds.
Most words, they make my heart feel weak
And some make a tear roll down my cheek.
But every once and a while,
There comes a few that make me smile
And that warm feeling will come back.
One that since you’ve been gone I always lack.
It only lasts a moment before the rest.
But those brief moments are truly the best.

~Is this missing you?