We all feel mad that we can't go back, when life gets black, we all feel blue. I KNOW you, which is pretty true and you too, you KNOW me, and what else is chemistry but rather molecules that get along? Is this a rap song? Maybe. All I know is me. which is to say, I don't know me at all. I'm a white wall, in a bathroom stall, in for the long haul, years of markings and tourists signatures, left by ***** and inconsiderate *******, never thought about a future, too concerned of others to live for myself, it's ******* ******* and it's time I jump off the shelf I sat upon because time's up for me, show's on. I went so long ignoring myself, it was wrong. and even though I can take free love, I gotta be strong; I gotta say no, and not because I want to, but because I need to. I made a promise to my heart that I won't start to love another until I pull together some better weather for my own **** self.

Forgive me if I miss my chance, hopefully later I'll be re-offered this dance. but my friend, I need you, until the end. Who knows what love could do? It could put a stake through me and you, or maybe it could be the best thing we ever do. Either way this needs to wait, I need friends and family to support me, and that lost girl that you speak of, that you see, that's me, and I appreciate your kindness and care; I know you're there. She know she's blessed and she's scared to walk away, even temporarily, but you know me, and we both know alone is what I should be, if only temporarily.

I also feel like in time you may find that I'm not the girl that will blow your world, but I probably look a lot like her. She's gonna be nerdier and dirtier (minded) than I, she's gonna be funny and enjoy acid highs, she's gonna wanna travel wherever with you, and she's not gonna be miserable too. I don't know what I'm like just yet, not exactly who I am. Maybe you can't live with her... or maybe you can. I don't even know that I want to, but I have to try to. Maybe it's not in my fate, but I do too hope that all the pain I have within will dissipate so I can learn to have less hate; I don't always want to frown, don't always want to look down. I need to hold my own chin high, not let someone else help me get by. Time's the only thing that tells, so best to check the wishing well in hopes it all works out swell.

So paralyzed by my own self hatred
I can't even feel the bugs crawling across my skin
I want them to eat me alive so I become one with the earth,
Because I don't belong here as a person

I heard the train, and I ran.
Desperate to make it to the tracks before it passed.
Is there a way to pass this as an accident?
I'm desperate to die as the positive, loving person people think I am.
And die to make up for the mistakes I've made and people I've hurt.
Here I am, I hear it near.
I'm gripped by fear that someone will figure out it was self inflicted.
It passes and I break.
So ashamed of who I am, with the knowledge that only I can change it.
And I gave up on myself years ago.
Never really gave it 100%
I regret it now, as I carry myself back to the world.
A cloud over my head.
I will smile as people greet me and compliment me.
But I am a tortured devil that one day, won't be scared of being viewed as a coward, and I will run into the train with a heart finally full of happiness.

When I was a child,
I only slept once in awhile.
I would always be too scared
that the monsters would be there.
Now I lay awake at night in bed,
but the scary monsters don't live in the closet anymore,
they live inside my head instead
and they're not just folklore.
All the monsters became voices
that fill and overspill in my mind
telling me I made the wrong choices,
and then sleep, I rarely find.

The shadows don't make me scream,
they don't have faces like they used to.
It's different now, even when I dream,
I'm not afraid of the things I used to,
so instead of boogeyman and sandman,
I have nightmares about being alone,
about death, about memories that can
start the tears, and turn me to stone.

Paralyzed in fear still; much the same,
but there is no mommy to run to when you're 25,
and these monsters play a stronger game,
because 24/7, they are alive
and they know me, inside out,
leeching onto every insecurity,
keeping me awake with voices about
how I'll never be free from me.

It's so much more terrifying now.

I've gotten to a point where I am mild.
I can control my face while my mind goes wild.
But, just every now and then, it hits me.
Like in the shower, I realize you are not with me,
so you will not be sneaking in to shine that smile...
I realized I was hoping for it for awhile.
These epiphanies bring me to my knees.
Tears leap from my eyes and the air goes from me.
I can't even go an hour without thinking of you,
it is eating me alive hoping to hear from you.
I woke up in the morning and expected your face,
instead there was nothing in your place.
It hit me then, too, like a sack of ******* bricks;
I can't tell if this is part of your mind tricks.
Are you falling further? Will you come back?
Am I supposed to ignore this "temporary" lack?
I'm filling with rage, a little more each day,
I'm afraid I'll snap; spew anger that pushes you away.
When will I receive word from you next?
I want a phone call, Hell, even just a text...
Often enough to suggest you want me at all,
so I can know if you'll hold me, or let me fall...

Lost count of the actionless words,
they too, went south like the birds.
You stopped talking the talk
and walking the walk,
and maybe I deserved it for a minute,
but no matter how you try to spin it
I still deserve the compliments you once would declare.
I still deserve to hear that you overwhelmingly care.
The fact that you've faded to me isn't fair.
I'm breaking from feeling jaded and bare.
All I asked was for what we once had,
you told me blank gaze I couldn't have that.
So I've chose to stop feeling mad or sad,
And have embraced the fact you won't go back.
I'll take what I can get, like all the ones before,
I may have thought you different, but I am wrong, once more.
Sold me your angel smile
and then waited awhile
before I would see the reality
of who you would be to me.
I'm through with keeping count;
tired of trying to accumulate any amount
of feelings of adoration
or feelings of correlation.
If ignorance is bliss, I live in euphoria,
since all I've been trying to do is adore ya.
Well, I will take my slice of cake, and enjoy it too,
sadly, with not much incentive given by you.

I'm disgusted by the rapists that are my blood,
the thieves of smiles and of happiness,
and on my family name they leave mud,
taking away any remnants of innocence.
How could you abuse your own genetics?
Yes you created her, but you do not own her.
You cannot trick her for your own sick benefit.
If you don't want to help her just to help her,
then you should not be there at all;
you should not be forcing yourself sexually
to torture her mind and make her fall
into a dark place she can't exit, really.
My instinct is to protect and create justice,
but I am forced to keep silent this family shame,
just lend an ear, so, he'll never get busted;
I am so angry that I feel like I'm aflame.
A sticky situation, one that makes me sick
and makes me want to scream and kick.
I hope it gets sorted soon, or there will be a war,
because she is more than worth starting it for.

Uncertainty;
A nagging feeling in the pit of your belly
eating away at any remaining sanity
as you question everything constantly.

It is sweaty palms and legs that are shaky
short breaths from a chest closed tightly
as you live calamity after calamity.

It is fear of the unknown possibilities
that plague each day with negativity
as it eternally resides in me entirely;
uncertainty.

we're just savages in suits

if i could leave you behind, trust me i would.
every day i think about it and wish that i could.
but you're just as toxic as the drugs we take,
and when you're not near me, i start to shake.
hopelessly addicted to the man who tears me down,
i want to push you away, but i keep you around.
tormenting myself, believing you could not survive
if i was not around to hold you when you cry
and you tell me things that i want to believe
and i let myself because i hope you won't deceive.
but truth be told, you're a liar and a cheat
and my obsession with you is something i must beat.
you were fine without me all the years before
so i must make myself, somehow, walk out this door.

please stop trying to stop me.

I felt the last breath of air slip through my lips
as I held it there, heart racing, as I took the risk
of leaving a note to tell you my feelings for you;
leaving myself exposed and feeling see-through.

Unsure of how you would react to my infatuation,
afraid that my brutal honesty would receive rejection,
I waited patiently to see what you would say
and was not disappointed that very next day.

You greeted my curiousity with some of your own,
and from that moment, our interest had grown.
Hidden notes and messages led to hide-away kisses,
and since then I've longed to be your "Mrs.".

Every day I'm grateful for your sweet words,
you've got me flying higher than the birds.
Every day, I learn more about who you are,
and I wonder how, without you, I made it this far.

Every part of me that felt empty, feels complete.
A gentleman in public, and a freak in the sheets.
Your energy speaks and vibes with me, every way;
I cannot wait to wake up to your face every day.

I've never felt as beautiful as I do now, having you,
and knowing that we will be together, too,
gives me the strength to fight any challenge given to me,
and I knew since the beginning we were meant to be.

We’re all looking at the world through our own windows
getting personal prospective on the way the world goes.
See the obstacles that are meant to keep us on our toes,
some people react but most just watch, like TV shows.
We all have a choice when it comes to ending world woes
and sadly, too many people sit oblivious as trouble grows;
ignorant, in bliss, while the ever-growing **** storm blows.
People getting high while world tragedy reaches new lows
because being naïve cowards was the life they chose;
they’d rather shoot up and sleep on piles of ***** clothes
than step up and take action against all the world’s foes.
I’ve decided that it’s my time, and to start I must propose
that we come together, step out from hiding in shadows
and work diligently at determining what we must expose
and work endlessly to change the fact that people dispose
information on world issues that happen under our nose.
I'm going to react to my prospective to see how it goes
because I am **** tired of watching chaos from my windows.

I've lost my mind full of words,
as it seems impossible to speak.
For, after all the things I've heard,
my tongue, defeated, is now too weak.
Confliction is a tasteless *****
as she works her magic in my mind;
I've been cursed by that **** witch
so that resolutions, I will not find.
Without any understanding, I am empty,
just left wide open; a black hole.
There are none who can undo what was done to me,
none who can give purpose to my soul.
This is not the first, nor the last time
that I shall be be faced with disappointment.
And now it feels so hollow, this mind of mine,
because without words, I have no enjoyment.

left alone to fight my demons
while awake and while dreaming.
never ending feelings of sorrow,
never finding a good tomorrow.

holding onto my own hand,
need to walk but cannot stand.
no one there to lift me up,
except myself, but i give up.

For us, I always reach for the stars
but all I can touch is dust.
I wanted to land on mars,
but this is a valley of rust.
No matter how hard I try
this love is destined to die.
I never meant to hurt you
but I did, that much is true.
If revenge is a dish served cold,
that explains this frost taking hold.
Trapping me in a place so old,
that I could escape from, so I'm told.
I've never been one to give up easy,
regardless of whether it consumes me.
I said I'd fight for you,
so that's exactly what I'll do.
Until my brain explodes when hope fails,
I will be here, reaching for you,
and when your ship finally sails,
I'll know I did everything I could to love you.