I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

Oh decisions decisions,
What challenges you are,
The clock is ticking,
Yet my thoughts don’t get far.

That could be this and,
This could be that.
Each choice is a risk,
So I might as well pick out of a hat.

The intensity rises,
As my body begins to perspire;
Legs trembling, hands shaking,
Each choice takes thought, must it require?

Finally conclusions are drawn,
As the brain halts the tearing.
I can now calm to a relief; because
Now I know the shirt I'll be wearing.

So what shape is love?
Is it circular and hollow in the centre?
Vacant and vacuous.
Perhaps it's square with sharp edges.
Keep catching yourself.
Making you ooze trickling blood.
Maybe it's rhomboid,
In the shape of headless female form.
Limbs intact, a matter of balance.
A diamond of course.
Will love cut glass?
Sure it will, it's edges are fierce.
Matters not what shape it is, it hurts.
(C) Livvi

Suddenly, there's reality, harsh,painful reality. At that moment you
realize how stupid and desperate you are. And then you intend to
forget him/her , to do normal again. And you are really trying that, really.
Until the dreams and the hope tap on your shoulder.

You're my:
A. Addiction
B. Best Friend
C. Comforter
D. Daydream
E. Equal
F. Family
G. Guy
H. Hero
I. Idiot
J. Joy
K. King
L. Lucky charm
M. Man
N. Number 1
O. Open Door
P. Prince
Q. Question
R. Role Model
S. Star
T. Tear
U. Uniting hand
V. Valentine
W. Winter Gift
X. The 'x' to my equation
Y. You
Z. Love Zone

have a nice life
don’t let me stop you
you were always
full of life
everyone laughed
I wish it was contagious.

have a nice life
tell mom i loved her
tell dad i hated him
tell yourself you
were my everything.

have a nice life
try to
even though i couldn’t.
Hearts break
or turn to lead
in this mad world.

Together we follow,
whoever walks in front.
Minding our own footsteps,
But never looking up.
Shuffling without purpose,
around an endless circular track.
They never rest or stop,
just to wonder Why?
But that doesn't change a thing,
Because we follow just the same.