Sit down at the piano
I drop my bag but I can’t drop the feeling of betrayal from hearing her say “he confessed to the FBI”
2. Reach your arms out and form fists like you’re punching the piano right above the keys
As I sat down at the baby grand in the stuffy room down the hall from the church office
I tried to get a good distance away from the keyboard just like Ms Kim taught me because “punching” the piano wasn’t nearly as painful as punching a tree out of frustration
I would know
3. Scoot the bench back so you are sitting in the middle of it with your arms fully extended
There. You should be comfortable. Or as comfortable as you can be with
4. Straighten your back, plant your feet firmly on the floor
Even if you don’t have a firm foundation
5. Slightly bend at the finger joints like you’re carefully holding a water balloon
Or in my case, carefully holding on to the facts that everyone else was denying
Carefully holding the water balloon – what I tell my students, but in that moment I just wanted to crush it and let all the memories spill out
6. place fingers on the keys where you will be playing – one finger on each key
I didn’t know where I should start, so I mixed a minor with an e sharp
The sound of grief flows from my heart through my fingers
7. Step into the mind of a musician
I skip this. My mind is always that of a musician
8. Create beautiful music
Or create music that speaks of all the things you can’t say out loud

One day in 2021
I put on a dress for the last time
A part of me died
The part I've been trying to **** for years
I said goodbye to the "me" I was supposed to be but never was

One day is 2023
I said goodnight for what I thought would be the last time
A part of me died
The part that's been trying to **** me for years
I said goodbye to wishing I was someone I never was

Eventually, I said goodbye to the people who hated me for being me
Now I say hello to being free

She melted
But melted ice is still H2O
Same girl, different form
Transformed into who she’s always been
Pressure is off when you don’t have to always win
Silly grin, welcome back
Things were looking grim for a while
but she was never lost
Just frozen for a while
Thawed out, there’s the smile
Watch out, joy is leaking in
Sneaking back into that girl
She’s still the same one
who almost gave up when her life had barely begun
But she didn’t change
even if everything else did
And it seems so strange that
She’s stronger now
Now that she melted

trust:

to open yourself up to be wounded
to spread yourself out
like a target, my heart the bullseye
       easy to spot
       easy to target
       easy to exert your control over

why do I keep falling for it?
                     lies
                     disguised
                     as something real

trust:
something I will not be foolish enough to give away again

seems so selfless
how could it be just to keep me from exploding from guilt?
turns out forgiveness is for the offender
there is no comfort for the victim
except a way forward

In this world, you will have troubles
painful troubles leaving you empty
they tempt me to indulge in temporary pain relief
You know it in the form of liquid, pills, or razor blades
Soon the luster fades and I’m left with the same pain that brought me here and then some
New scars don’t fade
New addictions I can’t break
Am I here by mistake?
What I used to numb my pain turned into just another source of it
In this world, you will have troubles
It’s ok
"I have overcome this world of pain"

I feel so alone
Like I got no home
I just want to roam
Check out the unknown
But I'm just a girl living in a semi-dangerous world
Try to keep my pack
Knives stuck in my back
Can't trust anyone
Can't love anyone
Nowhere I belong
Wish I could be strong
All I ever am is wrong