I'm addicted to you
And I haven't had a fix of your body
In far too long.

We're not as prefect as we
Think we should be.
We mess up more than
We know we should.

my lips on your skin.
my lips on your skin.
my lips on your skin.

It's time for bed
I have to go
To sleep now,
It is late.

I'd like to stay up longer
But tomorrow cannot wait.

So I will lay my head down
And for hours be sedate.

Till the sun comes up
To greet the sky
And play at Heaven's gate.

If I'm going to hell for loving you
Then send me down.
Because I'm not backing out.

"I love you." She says.
And gets a quick response.
But those three words
Have more meaning for one
Filled with bubbles and weddings and cigarettes.

"Don't go." she pleads.
And they stay there together
For a few moments longer.
She never wants this moment to end
Filled with bubbles and weddings and cigarettes.

"Let's run away." She suggests.
And hears a "Yes, right now."
She knows it's all in fun
But She dreams of those days
Filled with bubbles and weddings and cigarettes.

"Live with me?" she asks.
And she means it in a way,
To be together always.
But not in the way that She wants
Filled with bubbles and weddings and cigarettes.

"I miss you." She cries.
And nothing is said.
She breaks down inside
But She won't let it show.
All those bubbles and weddings and cigarettes.

And I fell so fast
It was so simple
And sweet.

How much harder it is
To lose a love like that
Than to simply
Let it go.

And I
Will always love
You for you
And I pray
You love
Me for
Me.

Little bits of me
Constantly searching
For little bits of you
In every set of lips
I kiss.

You were all I thought about.
You were all I was.

Now I'm left
With brand new handshakes
And introductions
To this person I've called
"Myself"
For all this time.

Who am I kidding.
You took me with you
When you walked out that door.
No need to get to know someone
Who isn't even there.

She's in her clothes
And on her lips
Her kiss is there forever.

He takes her in
With all his love
And brings her all together.

She smells so sweet
And tastes of lust
And true love for another.

He's in her mind
And on her tongue
He says she's oh so clever.

Her scent is on her shirt now.
The one he now slips under.
Her fingers through her hair now.
His mind is on no other.
She's puling her in close now.
His lips upon her collar.
She smells just oh so sweet now.
He whispers oh so clever.

How could I possibly love them both?
It just doesn't make any sense.
It shouldn't work that way.
It doesn't work that way.
It isn't right.

And yet...
His smile...
Her eyes...
His laugh..
Her lips...

I can't ignore the fact
That I feel the same emotions
For both of them.

There are certain things
That I simply can't deny.
My body and my heart
Will not allow it.

And yet...
I hide...
I fear...
I lie...
I change...

And yet...
I still feel the same.

I get so mad.
I don't know why
I wish that I could stop
Myself from yelling at my mom
And glaring at my pop.
At times they don't do anything
(I said I can't explain)
Yet I react
So horridly
(I can't help but complain)
They don't deserve my anger.
They don't deserve my rage.
So I will write my madness out
And leave it on the page.

Sometimes class is really hard
And I don't learn a thing.
At times
I don't
Even want
To see what the day may bring.
I leave the class
And walk a bit.
I try to hide my tears.
But in the end
I'm crying hard,
I cannot stop my fears.
What if I
Can never learn?
What if I am hopeless?
What if like
An old tv,
I'm broken and remote-less?
As though there is
No way to change
My channel
Or
My fate.
I think these thoughts
As I walk to class.
From crying,
I am late.

I'll love you.
I'll miss you.
Forever.
Alone.

And here's another goodbye
You and you and you and
Her.

A puff of smoke
It lingers in my mind.

Your eyes
You're leaving them behind.

No matter where you go
The smell of cigarette smoke
And those blues
And those specks of green
That you wink at me
Will always stay
Behind.

I stopped by your place once more
You weren't there
But I knew it was
Probably for the best.

Empty walls
Filed away into closed up boxes
Each propped against the other
Holding each other up
Tearing me down.

I opened your door
And a heaviness pooled out.
It seeped out of the cushions
On that couch that we laid on
Together while you
Nuzzled my cheek.

And it wafted from the incense
That you lit when you told me
That you loved me
And you
Offered me a kiss.

That feeling of emptiness
That you once filled with that
Look in your eyes and that
Willingness to hold me
Is now vacant
Once again.

Just like this little basement apartment
That you never meant to call forever
But I thought of you as just that
Within this space.

It's haunting
And heartbreaking
And all life moves in
Slow motion
And I want to be rid of it
And I want to run from here.

But I cannot pick my feet up
As I think of all the memories
All the unyielding
True affection
That came out of me
In this place.

I build up the kind of courage
That it takes to turn my knees around
And catch them just in time
As they fall weak.

And back inside my mind
I'm crying
And I'm mourning
That you're leaving
But on the outside of my body
I'm walking out of here.

And back inside my mind I'm running
And I'm catching up your fingers
As I pull you back into me
And I keep you
Here.
Together.

But on the outside
I'm walking calmly
Back to my car with my possessions
That I came to this empty place
To pick up
Years and moments ago.

And in my mind.
I end up with you.
And never would you leave me.

And in my mind.
We'd always been this way
Together.

And in my mind.
You didn't leave.

So simple
So sweet
So secure

Eyes closed
Images of you
Float behind my eyelids

My mind is like a battlefield.
With loud,
And fight,
And anger.

Oh please do not disrupt me.
With fear,
You'll be
In danger.

I no longer know
How to breathe.

You're leaving.
I'm not handling it well.
I've forgotten how to
Exhale.

perhaps if I just
hold my breath
this moment will never
end
And you will never
Leave me.

She saw the beauty inside of me.
Not in my thoughts or my emotions,
But rather in my bones.
"You have a beautiful skull in there."
There are some things
That only she knows.

Beautiful, beautiful people
They play upon my mind.
The taste they bring about
Like the sweetest caramel from
My favorite candy store,
Which I visit weekly.
Much like these beautiful, beautiful
People.

These beautiful, beautiful people
To my left and to my right.
How can you expect me to get work done
While they're standing by my side?
Their electric smiles light up the room
And I use their glow to read.
To read upon the pages of their lives and all their longings.
To learn and once to study
All the movements of their bodies.
Like music as they're walking,
As they're sitting
Breathing
Talking.
Like music from their beautiful, beautiful
Souls.

And is it so surprising
That we have Michelangelo's David
With his Sistine Chapel and statue of one man.
We can all give recognition to
Leonardo Da Vinci
With his stunning Mona Lisa
And her beautiful, beautiful
Smile.

So please do not berate me
As I gaze upon your shoulders
As your hips are making movements,
Telling stories on the streets.
I simply cannot help it,
All these beautiful, beautiful people
They's never cease to be
The only thing upon my mind

Eager eyes
And patient hands.
Such a silly combination
I'll try to mimic.
But while my eyes may be eager
My hands will reach for yours.
So impatient.
Be patient.

Your gaze is steady
When you sneak a peek.
A wild look is in my eye,
So full of desire.
So impatient.
Be patient.

Such casual fingers
Tracing so carefree.
Mine so direct,
So specific.
So impatient.
Be patient.

You move in closer
As though it is nothing,
As if it is normal.
I move in so unsure,
Is this what you want?
I want it to be.
I want it now.
I'm so impatient.
Be patient.

But you're growing more consistent.
More common.
More clear.
So I will follow your lead.
I will move at your strange pace.
There is no need to rush things.
No need to be impatient.
You're so patient.

I am not able
To give you the love
That I know you
Deserve.

Finding someone
Who makes you feel
Everything
And
Nothing
At
All.

He whispers "I love you."
And she drinks in his words
With a smile on her face.
She needs not say the words
He reads it in her eyes.

The small talk they make
May have no rhyme or reason
But it needs no purpose
Or destination.
Nothing they say
Matters at all
As their fingers do all the talking
With their hips.

When you come crashing down
You take everything I need and love
With you.

Please let me be your crutch dear.
Please let me hold you up.
Please don't leave me.

amethyst on your fingertips
you were the calm to my storm

And I just can't stop myself
From running all of those
Moments we shared
Through my head.

Playing them over with
Only happy endings and
I'd be with you and
You'd be with me.

And I could see in her eyes
That she was what the stars were made from.

And I'm all ******* again.

You just don't get it.
I can't feed this addiction to you
Anymore
Because it's breaking me down.

You want to read my pages
But they're riddled with you
And you want to see my words
But they're all just your name.

And I need to learn to speak up
For myself.

I've been told before to look out for people who just want to **** the joy out of me. That there are humans out there that would use me to feel something and then make me feel like ****. Throw me out when they were done.
I was told this because I was sweet and kind, loving and forgiving, wholesome and good and light. I was a dream. And I knew it. I was proud of being a dream.
And then I met her, a year or so ago, and I saw that others had that light in them as well. She showed me that I could love from afar, and as closely as I could. A friend. A beauty. A passing affection. And then she was gone.
And I kept on feeling so good about myself. I cried tears of loss and I laughed uncontrollably. I poured myself into my emotions and that was fine because I was sweet and kind, loving and forgiving, wholesome and good and light. I put everything into those qualities and that was just fine.
And then I met her. Again, but in another form. In a form that loved me back unconditionally. I didn't have to love from afar because she brought it to my lips and she held on to my hips. And I thought, how lovely is this pure and beautiful thing. How absolutely stunning and breathtaking.
And it never crossed my mind to what I was doing. I fell for her entirely. It was real and it was true. And then something went off inside of me. I ever so slightly, calmly and quietly, turned off my light. And hurt her for the first time.
And a day or so went on and I saw all of her. And I found that she was everything I had, and she was more. And I was jealous. And I lost my sweetness and my kind, my wholesome and my good. I filled those spots with desire and lust and where there was love I felt a fight build up and where there was forgiveness I was confused.
So I fought. And I yelled. And I tore the qualities out of her heart that she was so willing to give and I tried to put them into me. But I wasn't even good anymore. And my body rejected them all.
I became angry and ashamed, embarrassed and cruel, hateful and spiteful and rude.
I left her with nothing and I told her to leave me, not because I hated her, because I hated what I'd done to her and I couldn't bare to look upon my work.
I became the humans that I was taught to avoid. I made her into a corpse of all she could be.
And now I am a nightmare.  Warn your daughters against me. I'm a selfish angry *******. That's what I've become. And to her that's all I ever deserve to be.

I've felt a lot of things with you.
Unexplainable emotions.
Unwanted attraction.
Unwavering addiction.
Unnecessary anxiety.

Everything.
Under me.
Under God.
And the Untied States of America.
You leave here to travel.
Move around a little.
I'll wait.
I'll wait.
I'll wait for you.

You leave here
To start a life.
To leave this one behind.
To start fresh
To start new
To start all over again.

Find another me.
Make another you.
You leave here.

I'll just stay.
I'll just wait for you
To remember me.
To realize
That those unyielding emotions
Were my love for you.

That I love you.
That I love you.
THAT I LOVE YOU.
AND YOU'RE LEAVING.
AND THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO.

But to wait for you.
I'll wait for you.
To leave again.
To love me too.

We'll spend some time apart.
I'll cleanse my broken heart.

You're falling now
Just out of my reach.
Never truly mine
Never really lovers
But your absence
Is keeping
Me up at night.

And the song that plays in my head
When I see your face
Is slowly fading out.

And this dark
Secluded
Silence
Is tearing me
Apart.

I miss you.
And I can't make sense
Of how
Or why
Or what
Makes me miss someone so dearly
Till I feel it in my gut.

And it wouldn't be so baffling
Had it been another time.
For I haven't anyone to miss...
It seems to be that I'm

All alone down here.
Just missing you,
You, whom I've never met.
And though I know it sounds impossible,
I cannot seem to let

This empty feeling leave my bones.
Once hollow to the core,
Now they're filled up with this loneliness,
They're always craving more.

And he wouldn't care
If she stopped working so hard
Stopped spending those hours
Primping
Prepping
Practicing
To gain his attention.
To catch that single moment
To pray she stays on his mind.
And he wouldn't care
What she does,
She's all beauty to him
In the little things.

Words of kindness, of affirmation, are fleeting. But words of hatred, of spite and anger, cling to your skin like paint holds fast to a canvas. They dry up and create an image upon your heart. An image of insecurity, of low self worth, of depression and little faith. They drip into your veins and leave streaks of color on your fingertips. And no amount of soap or scrubbing will ever take away the stain. Nothing can remove that pain that is felt when words of fury are flung upon you. Carelessly applied with an overused brush.

I'd isolate myself and sit for hours if I could
Paying little mind to the things I know I should.
I'm slowly losing interest,
I feel misunderstood.
If I could fix these problems in a heartbeat then I would.

Tuck your hair behind your ear
Turn your cheek to me.
Tilt your chin
Up to the East
Close your eyes
And see.

A necklace for
Your collarbone
I sweep my fingers
Round your neck.
Gentle thoughts
And heavy dreams
I must keep my heart
In check.

Breathless now
I clasp it shut
And lift my eyes
To you.
No breath in my lungs
Gives me room in my mind
To imagine the things
We could do.

Sometime I wish
That someone would just
Diagnose me.
With depression
Or
Anxiety
Or
The like.

Instead of just feeling it
Inside,
I would have a word to put to it.
A word I knew
That other people shared.

Maybe then I wouldn't feel
So alone.
And maybe then
It wouldn't be wrong
That I feel so wrong.
And maybe then
I wouldn't feel bad
About feeling bad
All the time.

Please someone
Diagnose me.
So that I can have a reason
For feeling
This way.

How is it
I always find myself
In this sort of
Sorry place.

Surprise I've
Messed up again.
Are we in shock?
Are we in awe?
The crowd goes wild with
'I told you so's.

I'll just keep this up.
And then one day
I'll be gone.

can't be
me me you her
we are falling
apart
she
is here
for you
for me
we
are nothing
more

That even if you are having
A rough tough time in life
You are always allowed to have
A good day.

I'm tired of hiding
Behind playful banter
And casual laughter.

I'm bisexual.
And I'm so **** tired
Of pretending that I'm not.

Why does it matter really
If I'm so willing to love?
This is a thing that should be praised,
Not hidden away.

If it's what's on the inside
That matters the most,
Then why are we so concerned
About what sort of genitalia
Someone has
In order
To love them.

Trying to be kind,
You ask me how I'm doing.

Baby, please stop
Talking to my heart.

You mean for your words to
Heal it

But they only
Tear it apart.

I'm the ******* that broke her heart
And that's all I'll ever be

To everyone
Including me.

And I don't want the months to pass
I'm not looking forward to Christmas,
No Thanksgiving or
Halloween.
No snowballs or fallen leaves.
That's less time
For you and me.
Pause today.
Live with me.
No more holidays.
No candy.
No pumpkin pie
Or Christmas tree.
Just you. Just me.
This bed. These blankets.
Your eyes. Your lips.
On mine.
*No time.