Don't love me.

I love in the form of
Sobs and shakes.

I build up affection
Then I rip you open
And I tear out your heart
And feed on your feelings.

I'm a monster.
And a coward.
And if I can't have you
I'll leave you heartless
Just like me.

ink
in the form of
flora
and
fauna
pressed into
your skin
ankles
wrists
arms
and back
covered in color
and light.

You have no idea what it does to me
When you call my name.
When you look my way
When you put that smile
On your face.

You have no idea.
Have no idea.
No idea.
What you do.

Don't forget my loving,
My longing or my coveting.
Don't forget my loving
Of you.

fall
it all
away

It seems the time has come to tell you
To fill you in
To let you know
My little secret.

I've been keeping something from you
That perhaps you already know.
But now that you're leaving
And my heart is crumbling
I want to share my all with you.

I love you,
My dear.
But not only in the way
That you've learned
To love me back.

It's more than that.

I fell in love with you,
Like in the story books.
With the fluttering in my belly
And the inability to form
Logical, clever, conversation.

You thought it was cute
Said it was endearing
You gave me a kiss
And you set my heart reeling.

You changed my life my dear.
I've told you so before.
You opened my eyes to who I am
And despite my desperate trying,
I fell in love with you.

So I apologize for all of the kisses I stole
And for all of the playful looks you gave
That I didn't deserve.
I'm sorry I lead myself on.
And that I broke my own heart.
And I'm sorry that a part of me
Blames you for that.

I wish I could go back
And stop this before it happened,
But it was inevitable.
If it wasn't one thing,
It would have been another.

So I'm sorry.
That I fell in love
With more than just our friendship.
And I'm sorry, that I have to see you go.

But I wish you all the best in your
Endeavors.
And I pray that you forgive me
For all of this.

Goodbye.

It's not the same
Anymore.

And at one time that was good
But now I'm not so sure.

Why is it that
When I speak
I cannot draw my eyes
Off of your lips?

And when at last I look up at you,
You do not meet my gaze.
For your eyes are strongly fixed
Upon my mouth.

So why must we stop our eyes
From speaking up
And interrupting our words
For a kiss?

I don't know how to write anymore.
I'm trying to think of what to say in order to get my thoughts across in the way I want them to be known but I just can't do it. I feel like I'm failing. And I don't care anymore if I do fail. Go ahead Christina. Mess things up real good. As if you're not already *******. I'm sure your conservative Christian borderline homophobic family will never find out that you're bisexual. And I'm sure that your friend will never find out that you love her. And your boyfriend won't care that you try to dream of her every night. You'll be just fine after you fail this test in the morning and then go further into debt paying for classes that you don't care about. Don't even worry about money, as if you know what that is. Congratulations on scoring the worst paying job. Yup. You can do this. You can **** at everything. You can mess it all up. You can disappoint the world. At least you can do one thing right. Failing.

Slipping into what we once were.
I thought that we had parted,
Finally found each other within ourselves.
I prayed for an ending and wished for forever.
But I never thought that you'd come back around.

Arm in arm with your lover,
I whisk you off your feet now,
And we're falling and we're flying from this place.
And we're tossing
And we're turning
And it seems I'm quickly learning
That I cannot win
This never-ending
Chase.

And you're running
And I'm crawling
"I see those tears of laughter falling!"
You giggle as you turn and shut the door.
But if you look into my eyes dear,
You'll see no exclamation
As there is no joy,
Just sadness on this face.

I say
"I love you"
And you smile,
But I cry because I mean it.
No there's nothing I can do
To set us free.

Because I'm caught up in your eyes, love,
As you blush and turn them from me,
I know you saw some honesty
In that last glance.

Give me a chance.
Just kiss me once more
On the lips
Or brow
Or shoulder.
You whisper that you're nervous
But you do it all the same.

Give me a chance
To show you once more
Why never should you leave me
And I'll whisk you off your feet,
Falling, flying us away.

Give me a chance
To hold you longer,
Just a couple moments longer,
Before "arm in arm with your lover"
Is your permanent address.

Give me a chance
Because I love you
And you're running
But I'm crying
While we're falling,
We'll be flying,
As we're
Tossing
Turning
Slipping
Into what we always were.

My house is a closet
And I spend my days peeking through the cracks
In the door.

Trying to get out
While you cling to the keys
And lock me inside.

I'm just not feeling
Anything
Lately

She took my hand
And called me baby.
And from that moment on
I no longer knew
Who I was.

A stranger to myself,
Needing to look in the mirror
To remember what I
Look like.

She brushed my brow
With her fingers
As my head was in her lap.
She called me beautiful
And I believed her.
Because she simply
Cannot be
Wrong.

She changed me
And then she left me,
To introduce myself
To this new person
That has taken up the space
Inside of the skin
That I vacated the moment
She called me
Baby.

Everyone
And
Everything
Is not
Against you.
Find the good.

I love you more
                                                            ­                  
{In each and every way}

Than you could ever imagine
Or accept.

And every time I see you now
It's a brand new chance
To fall in love
For the very first time
All over again.

I have an obsession
With passionate people.

Life through the light
was lovely
and clean.
Darkness hides
a mess.
***** little things.
Such a stigma
to what lies in
shallow corners.
The desire
the need to bring it
out into the sun.
Let it be.
Let them see.
Shut your eyes.
Welcome the night.
Let it be.

And it's not that you loved me
Despite my imperfections..

It's that you never saw them to begin with.

Don't you dare talk ill of them.
Not my girl.
Not my guy.
How dare you say those things.
How dare you have those thoughts.
How dare you tell me.

I love them and I will fight for them
Through every little thing.
So you want to tell me they are wrong?
You want to tell me they are bad?
You have the audacity to tell me they are no good?

Who the hell do you think you are.
Don't you ever talk about them that way.
Don't you ever talk about them again.
Unless you're crawling back to them
To apologize at their feet.
Don't you dare.

Let's leave
Today.
Let's run
Away.
Let's never
Stay
In one
Place
For too
Long.

Optimism is taught
As though it's the
Hight of enjoyment.
To have a happy life,
Think glass half full.

But optimism
Is killing me.
I'm sure of it.

Because
I can hope
And pray
And wish for the day
That you come back to me
And you realize
I'm the one.

And
I can spend
Every day
Waiting for you.
I can waste away my life
At your door.

But
All the optimism
In the world
Can't make you do
What is not in your heart.

The glass could be half full.
Hell,
It could be
Filled up to the brim,
But that won't change the fact
That I'm not with you
And you're with him.

And with no heart
How will I ever
Love again.

You were it.

I'm not okay.
I can't speak.
It's hard to breathe.
My body is restless
But it can't leave the bed.
I'm crying without reason.

I can't even find the words and writing is what I love but you guys I'm losing my passion every day and I'm scared for myself.

I want to tell someone.
I want help.
But how do you tell
A stranger that
You're dying.

Do you feel these words I'm writing?
Do you know they're meant for you?
Have you caught that special feeling in your heart?

Because I have it in my stomach
And it's daily growing stronger
And I don't know how to stop it
Or if I want for it to end.

Perhaps you'll never see this,
And that would be alright.
I can't afford to lose you
To my thoughts.

And never will I jeopardize
This special bond we share
With a little peck here
And a casual flirt there.

I'll leave this bond between us
And I'll let it keep on growing
As you water it with kisses
And you feed it with your smile.

for my love is leaving
i gift you my heart

She's the gift
That every birthday
Has been leading up to.

I talk to myself sometimes.

I'll just be sitting in the car and I'll strike up a conversation with myself.
And sometimes I can be harsh. I just need to stop fighting myself, you know? Because if I'm not on my side then who will be.

I have so much confidence and I'm always so sure of myself. I never bring myself down. But every once in awhile, I'll get to talking to me. And I'll ask myself if everything is alright. And I start to cry you guys. I cry to myself. Because I have to be honest. I have to be honest with myself. Because if I'm not honest with myself then who will be?

"Hey hey, why are you crying?"
'I'm not doing so well.'
"I can see that my dear but what's wrong. You're so very sweet and pretty and kind. You have plenty of friends and wonderful mind. Whatever could make you so sad?"
'Oh my god stop rhyming that's stupid. No one needs that right now.'
"Okay yeah sorry that was dumb. But you stopped crying so that's good."
'Yeah haha I guess so. Man I'm pathetic. Something is just off about me.'
"Again? Why? I thought we were all sure of ourself and confident and stuff."
'Yeah, so did I. What happened? Why am I so unhappy? '
"You miss who you used to be. You need to stop dodging that."
'I know. How did I lose myself. Why did I do that? This isn't me.
Fancy hair and all these clothes. Since when do you care about how you look? I mean, you look great but you're trying way too hard. That's  not like you.'
"Well, none of these things are bad. They're just different. Sometimes different is good."
'I know. And I'm trying to remember that. But it's hard. It was so much easier before. Before I found out more about who I am. Before I realized that there are some things about me that other people may not like.'
"Yeah, you've always wanted to have people like you."
'Stupid right? It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks right?'
"It shouldn't, but it does. To you. To us. And that's okay. But we can't let it get to us like this. It shouldn't make us cry."
'I know. God why do you have to be the reasonable part of me? I feel so whiny.'
"Sorry."
'It's okay. I just need to be me. If I can find out who I am again. So much has changed. How do I know what's really me?'
"This is you. Who else would write all of this **** down and show it to the world."
'No one I guess. This is pretty stupid.'
"**** right it's stupid. It's really dumb. They probably think you're insane. Talking to yourself is one thing but writing to yourself?"
'Okay I get it stop. You're making me feel bad again.'
"Sorry."
'We gotta get our **** together. What do we do.'
"I don't know. We'll be fine for a few days and all of a sudden we'll be off again. Everyone is worried. And I don't think they're going to stop asking you what's wrong. When you got back from that family trip your sister practically thought you were suicidal. They're worried Christina. And honestly, so am I. We're not like this. And you know what caused this."
'I know.'
"You need to fix it."
'I can't.'
"I know."
'Hey hey, why are you crying?'
"I'm not doing so well."

You bring about
The parts of me
That I have been dying
To meet.

I want to show you
That I care,
Though I am here
And you are there.

We've made a mess
Of what we've been
Yet we both know
We cannot win.

Don't you tell her.
Don't you ever tell her
That she's the one that I can never leave.

She knows I love her,
Not in the way she thinks
But what's it really matter in the end.

She'll move away
And she'll never know
That she's the one that taught me of true love.                                            

And I'll go on living
My perfect ******* life
With the man that I love so ******* much.

So don't you dare go tell her,
Don't you ruin what I have
Because it'll all sort itself out some day.

And she'll go on believing
That I love her as a friend
And I'll move on as she moves away.

Beauty has found its way
Upon your face
In the form of freckles
All around.

You want me to write for you
But what can I say?
There are no words I can put onto paper
That will not open your eyes
To the things that I have kept hidden
For so long.

I'd rather risk her knowing the truth
Than lose her.

She wears his clothes now,
His shirt drapes down her shoulders.
Says she'll never change.

"I love you." she says
And she means it.
"I love you." she says
And it's true.

"I love you." he says
And he needs it
To hear her say
"I love you too."

"I need you." he says
And he means it.
"I need you." he says
And it's true.

"I need you." she says
And she needs it
To hear him say
"I need you too."

"I love her." she says
And she means it.
I love her." she says
And it's true.

"I love her." she says
But she fakes it
And all except her always
Knew.

"I need her." she says
And she feels it
"I need her." she says
And it grew.

"I need her." she says
But she knows it
Is a need that will never go
Through.

"I'm sorry." she says
And she means it
"I'm sorry that I love her too."

"I'm sorry." he says
And he pleads it
"That this has been troubling you."

"I'm losing." she says
And she means it.
"I'm lost and don't know what to do.
I love him and her and I mean it.
And I know that they both love me too.
I won't leave his arms to go with her,
For I know her love isn't true.
But that will not stop all these feelings
From popping up out of the blue."

Come home to me
I beg of you
My love.

You want flowers?
I'll grow them for you.
Food?
I'll learn to cook.

You'd like some music?
I'll create it.
A special song?
I'll sing for you.

All my riches?
Take my wallet.
A brighter sky?
I'll paint it blue.

Anything you ask
I will provide for you
My love.
Come home to me,
I swear that I'll be
True.

Well
I must say
That I'm doing just fine.
Hell, I don't even think of you as
Often as I
Used
To.

I can't believe
The way I treated you.

You are calm
You are pure
You are sweet

I was vicious
I was rash
I was rude

How could anyone
Ever harm you
Yet here I am
Stabbing you in the back.

You are too soft
For what I did.

How did I fall in love with you like this?
How can you fall in love without even knowing it?
Without being in control?
That shouldn't be allowed.
Please, cut it out of me.

It's not right, loving you.
Not this way.
Not with everyone looking on
Thinking we're just friends.
Not with you
Thinking we're just friends.
Not with me
Pretending we're just friends.
Lying to myself every time I see you
Every time I hear your name
Every time you cross my mind.
**** you for always being on my mind.
On my stupid stupid mind.
I'm so obsessed.

Perhaps it's best you move away.
Perhaps it's best you find me odd.
Perhaps it's best you keep your distance
Your distance from me.

I'm no good for this thing we have
These absent minded kisses
They said don't fall in love with you
But I can't
I can't
Help it.

Even when I pretend that you hate me
Even when I play it out in my head
You far far away, never to see me again
I still feel the same.
I can't get rid of you.
I can't.

And it's killing my work
It's killing my college
It's killing my spirit
It's killing my fun.
Oh what to do today?
Something productive?
Or shall I daydream of you?
As if I could reason with myself in that way.

You're all there ever was in me.
You're what I've waited for.
And how absolutely perfect it is
To miss my chance
TO NEVER HAVE IT
How could I have it.
I just can't have it.
I can't.

**** you.
I love you.
**** you.

It was when I kissed you
And searched for another's lips
Within yours
That I knew.

It's time for
The end
To come.

Such a wonderful thing
To stay up late for.
To stay awake for.
To stay trapped inside this moment
Feeding on your foundation
And living in that look on your face
For.

"Why don't you come home more often?"
"Why don't you bring that nice boy of yours over anymore?"
"Why don't we get to meet this friend that you talk about so much?"

You ask
So many
Questions.

And I just shut down
And you just get mad
Because I have nothing to say
That will please you.

Why don't I come home more often?
Because this place no longer feels like home.
Home is where you are accepted
Not judged.
Home is where you are safe
Not targeted.
Home is where you feel loved
And I don't feel loved here
Anymore.

Why do I no longer bring my boyfriend around?
Because he can smell plastic people
From a mile away
And he turned into a greyhound
The moment he caught wind of your *******.
He isn't as courteous as I am
And I envy him greatly for that.
He won't paint his skin to match your plastic shine
Just to be called one of your own.
I wish I could do the same.

Why don't you get to meet my friend?
Because I'm in love with her.
And my bisexuality is the only thing I have left
That you cannot
Judge
Or
Taint
Or
****.
You can be as homophobic as you want about my friend
Because he likes boys
And you can change the channel
When you see two girls kiss
But you can't see what's right in front of your face.
You created the very thing
You despise.
So I won't bring her over
Because my kiss is still on her lips
And my boyfriend holds my hand
Through it all
Because he knows
That I need this.

You made three perfect children.
All married.
One grandchild
One on the way.
Two girls and one boy
Living out your dreams.
A scientist and a nurse and an aspiring policeman.

But don't you forget
That you also made me.
Your little
Outgoing
Antisocial
Loving
Bitter
Bisexual
Baby.
The youngest of four.
The "oops" of the litter.
You made me.
But that doesn't mean you
Own me.
And that doesn't mean you
Define me.
And that doesn't mean you
Need to accept me.
Because I don't need your acceptance.
I don't need you at all.

So
"I won't be back home for awhile."
"Alright. We love you."
"If only."

Any movement
Of you
Is all I
Long for.

And I just can't close
My eyelids.

I can't turn off
My mind.

And as I take you in
With one deep breathe

This exhale screams of

help

And my god it's going to be impossible
To find someone to love now.

Because before
All I had to do
Was find someone who held
A little bit of her
In them.

Her smile or
The way she glanced my way.
The toss of her hair or
The way she bit her lip.

But now
Look at me.
A mess.

It appears I must have fallen.

Because while I'm searching for her
I find myself looking for more of you.

I didn't mean to hurt you
Didn't mean to lead you on.
Thought that I was being careful
But i guess that I thought wrong.

I'm sorry.

"A disappointment"
Is what my father called me
Tonight as I was leaving his house.

Please,
Don't forget
To write this on my headstone.

Don't let anyone forget
What I am.