Me and Jasper broke up after 1 year and 3 months of being together. (Which was his first relationship and my first meaningful, true love.)
It's not setting in yet. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't know how to stop breathing too fast and I don't know how to stop my eyes from leaking rivers down my face and I don't know how to stop my nose from being icky and runny and I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer loved by the one who I love with my entire heart.
And I do. Even though I agree with why we broke up and that it was the right thing to do, I can't process it entirely. Part of me is stuck in the past and how awesome that was and how I expected things to turn out.

I just don't know right now.
I just can't.

I know, though, that I have grown to be a better person throughout the time I was with Jasper, and that we have both learned so many things and made so many incredible memories that we both don't want to forget (though right now I just wish I could time travel back into them).
And to anyone who still thinks that I'm complaining of something average, *******.
Try to understand, even if I can't understand it completely.
I know the pain of losing a parent. I know the pain of being sexually violated. I know the pain of being cheated on.
And I can **** well understand the pain of a lot of people around me going through **** just as bad as this, in different ways that I have not yet experienced.
And this pain is not comparable.
Pain is not comparable.


I don't care that this is not a poem. I need to vent and I sure as hell can't do it on Facebook, and writing in a journal makes me think too much about how he's not going to write me letters anymore and writing on Word makes me feel alone and depressed.
Well, it's depressing either way. I don't know what it is. It's not good. I don't like it.
But I have to take those sleeping pills my mom gave me now and go to sleep if I want to go to church and not completely break down and ruin everyone's Sunday morning.

I don't especially like the beginning, but I am pretty happy with this one. I wrote it all in one go, only took out one line and that's the most editing I've done. I think I am going to keep it that way for when I present it in class. I'd rather hear constructive criticism before I criticise myself.
Also, I don't know how to title it.

not sure how to end it yet, kind of lost focus because the "bell rang", as in, school was over and I had to pack up and go, but I'll be getting back to this pretty soon once I do a bunch of Italian because I really don't want to get behind in that.

I'm bisexual, but people assume I'm straight because I'm with a guy.
So okay, I'll take on that role and give the perspective of a straight person who knows how LGBT people must feel and who wants them to get to experience love like I do. Openly. With acceptance. Scream it to the world and no one says a ******* thing against it.
Because your love is the same as my love.
Because your love means as much to you as it does to any straight couple.
Because your love is as pure as mine. As pure as you want it to be. As golden as your heart can possibly shine, and baby, you'll shine on.

I read an older poem and then wrote this. It's not super-good and it doesn't do what I was thinking justice, but whatever, it's really late and at least I got the words out, somewhat.
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/something-incredible/
Because unfortunately right now we're not quite there yet.
Because we should be there now.


We all deserve this.

But tomorrow I will dance with you, in September, the last leg of Summer, and for the first time since that three-in-the-morning bliss in March.

if i chose my last words, i'd let you know just one more time.

tape can fix torn sheets
but boy, our hearts will never need mending again.

...and take a break from your computer.

I know, I know, sometimes I come off as obsessive and clingy and all those negative things. I mean it in the best way I possibly could. My intentions with my words are 100% positive. I am so proud of him for being a Scout Leader and travelling, and although I don't do those same things, I'm not envious because I've got my own thing going on here on the island. As anyone, I would believe, I am happy for him, but there are still moments where I miss him. I feel strange trying to justify this, because it should be a completely normal thing. I'm not going to sit here and not think of him for two weeks! When I love someone, I think of them often. If I were a witch of some sort, I would cast positive energy into the air directed at the people I love who are apart from me. Heck, I do that anyway.

I'm not crazy and I know it. I'm not breaking down every day because my boyfriend is in the States, either.

went to visit friends and didn't actually visit them how i thought i would. it's okay. i visited places and strangers in small-town style shops.
there was kindness and welcoming in the hearts of you two people who will be the only ones to read this and know me. thank you for that.

it's okay.
it's alright.
i'm home.

the small-feelings and the moments when you re-realize you don't know who you are at all.

how in the whole wide world could i explain how much this feels like christmas.
i called your dad and he said "in an hour" so i ran outside and yipped and jumped high in the air (thank god for trampolines) and ran around in circles and jumped some more like a little child at easter.
not even a poem but i need to get this out. thank you thank you thank you world for bringing jasper home safe.