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Jul 2013 · 454
ást þína.
raðljóst Jul 2013
i've always created to fill a void
always designed to make up for what's been missing
always written to seal the gap in the blanks of my head

but with you and your love,
i have not felt the need to force art into the world.

the art has grown within our hearts,
and the link between us is our masterpiece.
you keep me warm and smiling, jasper.
raðljóst Jul 2013
and i saw faces before me
blurred out of recognition, coming closer
their bodies exposed, bearing only skin
blue-grey and hanging off their bones.
tell me that's another nightmare
tell me that it's the first time, then.
lost wives and sons and daughters,
a single man giving up his home.
sometimes the pain is shared between us,
spread out to those unknown.
i've felt their aches and known their hopes,
without knowing why.
i have bad dreams and write with my eyes closed.
raðljóst Jul 2013
sometimes i wish to strike the earth
like those super-heroes
flying superficially above the cities
protecting man-made hollow halls of brick and metal.
i'd crack it right open
make my way to the heart
kiss the inner-core better
and sew it back together with patches.

*problem solved.
yeah i don't give a **** about sky-scrapers. leave the sky alone.
raðljóst Jul 2013
can you please just leave me with the pain?
it's all i've got for now.
i could make it to tomorrow
if i could feel something today.
take what you need, but you won't find it here.
my heart is empty.
i would run from the sorrow,
but it's a vulture tracking me down.
i can't fly, but i'd trade my feet for wings.
i don't know what to tell you to make you go away.
don't ask.
Jul 2013 · 320
enduróma
raðljóst Jul 2013
say my name
as the colours dance
and the walls tremble
call to the wind in this room
before i fall to the floor
before voices speak
and voices echo
before voices speak
and voices echo
exclusively to my ears

or you can dance to no music
speak with no replies
sit with the singing birds
and hear not a sound.
Jul 2013 · 401
earth.
raðljóst Jul 2013
breathe in the mist
in the morning air
walk with two feet
that touch the ground bare
this is your earth, child
**this is your home
i thought i was on a roll until i thought of the rhyme "don't wreck it like rome" but then i figured i don't really know enough to go around saying things like that.
Jul 2013 · 287
learning to fly
raðljóst Jul 2013
i guess you've got to watch out
when you're spreading your young
wings
or be carried by wicked winds
to places you'd never want to be.

*if you are flying
keep trying
or you will find your wings
broken on the ground
baby steps, my dear.
Jul 2013 · 1.1k
home is where the soul is.
raðljóst Jul 2013
when the cobweb scheme of reality
collapses to reveal our dream-world
i'll be home.
forever and ever, my love.
Jul 2013 · 340
the mind that wanders
raðljóst Jul 2013
collect
        fall into the open mind
        assemble new potential
   and
               deliver the product
          of a good night's sleep
found some notes from 2011.
Jul 2013 · 422
departure
raðljóst Jul 2013
you,
you're ten thousand miles away
and i,
i haven't had any words to write
since you walked away.
okay so maybe more like 400km
and i have written, but only to you in pencil on paper that you might never see
and i want you to come home
i want you home
here
soon
please.
raðljóst Jul 2013
coming
coming home
and you know i
walk
this road
for you i would
come
come home
you can't leave
wait
i'm alone
without you
breathe
for me
you have to
save
save me
before i
f
a
    l
   l
catch my heart
before the glass
  h   a      t        r
s        t          s
                 e
Jun 2013 · 357
white noise
raðljóst Jun 2013
she tears up her
humming-heart
and the broken wings
of that ******
humming-bird
heal this one, i dare you.
Jun 2013 · 1.3k
connection disconnects
raðljóst Jun 2013
find friends
someone sent you a friend request
look, some people you might know

nudges to connect
the more the merrier
spend more time looking at screens

immerse yourself in technology
who needs real life?
hey, you need a new phone

it's brand new
it's brand name
it's calling for you, my dear
it's ironic now because i've been sitting here staring at the monitor for an hour
sorry world
i've failed you
May 2013 · 351
not really anything
raðljóst May 2013
and i used to think
that there was only
a certain amount
of love in the world
and i used to think
that if i were loved
more than another
that they would
lose their love
and i used to think
back in my school-
years that people
would miss the love
and i used to think
that when i was
heartbroken
another would
smile
and i used to think
these thoughts
and they used to
dance all night
in my head

and i know
that dance
is over
my thought process is disturbed today
blah blah
float away in a dream
May 2013 · 1.0k
this, but not past-tense
raðljóst May 2013
And with you I've felt so much,
I've felt afraid, and through my
fear I have learned how to feel
brave. We stood on great heights
and did not stumble off, but
stood strong on the very top of
everything we knew. You showed
me how to love, how to live, and
with you my laughter left creases
in my face when I had smiled so
often. We ticked off that list of
adventurous things, and added
more items each day. We built a
relationship upon happiness, upon
youth, upon discoveries and things
well known. We were young; we
are young, and forever will be
smiling. At first, and at last, you
were something fascinating,
something different. And what
was the most different, was that you
really were. You stayed real, yourself,
an individual to look up to, to dream
of, to love forever.
for jasper
raðljóst May 2013
funny how it could all start
with one click of a camera
tilted too far to the right

one girl in a pink princess shirt
smiling, waiting, hoping for acceptance
but never receiving that gift

she looks back on that photograph
her eyes staring past the edge
so eager

she remembers the sneers and the glares
from her peers
and she smiles

because once it starts
it never ends
and she is just fine with that.
kay so this is not even proper good poetry or anything but i found my kindergarten photograph and the photographer took the picture all wrong and i am off to one side and looking into nowhere it seems
and then it hit me
that's when the separation was definite
my father had recently passed away
i was in school then
everyone else was so different
or was it me?
no one was more fascinated by the fishtank
no one as keen to make mothers day cards all day
no one as eager to play house in the forest
no one else crying behind the gym
no one else alone on the swingset
no one else beaten up on the playground
no one else picked last for every game
no one else
no one
no one
no one.

and things don't change too much.
May 2013 · 891
will you come to my party?
raðljóst May 2013
we are spinning in a sea of cotton cloth
and swirling hues of happiness
the joy - contagious!
as you arrive
a wave of excitement hits us.
there's no need for clumsy intoxication -
we're drunk off good feelings.
this is the party of all parties
one that will never be blacked out.
you will not question what happened tonight,
but you will ask,  "was it real?"
don't worry about a ride home -
we'll sleep under the starlit sky
music booms out of the trees
we have the moon and white christmas lights
strung against the contrasting skies
to guide our dancing feet.
who cares what style?
we dance through it all -
hips sway and arms reach up to kiss open air.
never will we forget this night.
leave your phones at home,
to disconnect is the only way to  be connected.
there are no clocks -
a girl with stars in her eyes tells you,
"out with time!"
we go barefoot here,
for the moss kisses our feet so gently.
there is a piano over there, between two oak trees,
and we play our favorite songs
and partner up to half-stumble-half-waltz
to classical sounds.
when our feet grow tired
we make s'mores and tell stories
of our collective past.
do not worry,
for tonight we embrace our youth,
and toast to a brave new world.
dreams of a tenth-grade me.
raðljóst May 2013
I am dizzy and I am giddy and laughing like a fool,
But tonight is mine.
All mine.
Only mine, for I am alone.
Always, always alone.
May 2013 · 1.2k
jasper
raðljóst May 2013
you are sun-kissed and your kisses feel like sunshine
you have freckles like constellations on your skin
you turn my words into un-writable feelings

and i'm not sure if i hate it
but i sure do
love you
May 2013 · 419
.
raðljóst May 2013
.
how will i manage
to hold you up
when my structure collapses?

how will i survive the night
and meet the morning
when i am left alone?

how will i rest
and close my weary eyes
when i know that you are so close?
(un)related questions that need to be answered.
May 2013 · 731
avoidance
raðljóst May 2013
try to capture the moon
and it will shrink away
from you

try to swim through the sea
and its waves will run away
from you

try to figure out my heart
and my veins will tear away
from you
its not very early in the morning
but it feels like sleep-time
off to work!
May 2013 · 947
this morning's atmosphere.
raðljóst May 2013
smiles dance with stage-fright.
I don't want to go to school I don' t want to go to work I can't act like I am fine like the cat who parades around in the middle of the human's fight and I can't cover up the tears today I can't do it not now and I can't chase away the horrid fears I can't I can't I could but I have no energy to try.
Help me.
May 2013 · 990
autobiography
raðljóst May 2013
when i write the words of my life
a summary of my own
i want to look back and see gold–tinted images
of smiles and over–the–phone close conversations
i want to look behind my shoulder and see love
walking right after me
not falling away into my past
i want this autobiography to continue this song
i want to see my hand in jasper's
or my mother's or my best friend's
and i desire my footprints to walk
all over the face of this world
i wish for peace in my head
and in my heart
as i drift along in dreams
and maybe just maybe
this autobiography will sink
to the bottom of the sea
and tell the fish how happy
it was to live like me.
**** it, punctuation is for perfect people
and rhythm is for the talented

these are thoughts not planned out phrases

ah
raðljóst May 2013
why is it that
when i am finally
good
and honest
and earnest
and ambitious
and happy

the people begin
to worry?
Mother, I am trying to be the perfect daughter you so dearly deserve.
Honest.
No tricks whatsoever. I want to clean the kitchen because when it is nice and tidy I feel good for what I have accomplished. I want to put flowers in the windowsill and by where you do your puzzles because I know you wish you could spend the whole day outside with them. I want to organize the books on gardening on your shelves because one day I want to read them and I know I should do something nice with them if I am going to have that pleasure. I want to **** the garden outside because I want to be able to grow plants for our family and I want to grow the plants because I know we will all enjoy eating them. I want to clean my room a little late into the night because it helps me think and I feel content when I see that my floor is not dusty and my plants are healthy and my clothes are hung up in a row. I want to pick up after Aiden in the recreation room because I know how it feels to be young and in a hurry to do anything but chores. I want to stack up the DVDs in the cabinet because they look appealing that way and I hope our family gets together to watch some of the older films we used to love. I want to detangled all the cords by the computer because I know it´s frustrating when you're trying to figure out which is which and why–doesn't–this–one–work? I want to put all the scrap papers into the recycling because I know you gave up on getting people to reuse them and they'll be ashes if I don't lift a finger.

I want to do these things because they benefit everyone.
I want to be the kind of person that helps a family,
The kind that helps a community,
The kind that helps the world.
And it starts here in the home.

I love you.
May 2013 · 940
the reminder
raðljóst May 2013
it's scaring me
that little forgotten things
like biking to school in the cool morning air
are coming back
and the lack of familiarity reminds me
that i am losing
what i am meant to be.
May 2013 · 681
waiting
raðljóst May 2013
i live the same thing
over and over:

mánudagur
þriðudagur
miðvikudagur

... and it goes on

while you
you're out in the woods
living your dreams in open air
while i sit waiting for mine to become possible
learning languages
preparing
preparing
repeating
repeating
over and
over again

and sometimes i pray that you'll take me with you
take me there
don't leave me because i miss you
when you're gone for a weekend
or two
and i am here tending the garden
and waiting
waiting for something to come along
waiting for time to pass
but then when it has left my fingers i miss it too

can we stop the clocks and be together?
can the sun shine on this place?
can the waiting forever be over
and all the time stay in it's place?
raðljóst May 2013
as much as i feel
wiser
stronger
more independent

i am suctioned into
digressing
repeating
forgetting

and walking right back in
to this nightmare of a culture.
May 2013 · 400
enslave the mind
raðljóst May 2013
maybe it's dangerous,
  – a fault in this flawed way of living –
to think independently.
May 2013 · 444
(you)
raðljóst May 2013
you matter

because you are

(matter)
thinking about thoughts and existing and "what can I do to help?"
Apr 2013 · 413
this is who i am.
raðljóst Apr 2013
if you took the time to lift the cover
of my book-of-self
you might just keep reading.
someone please ask me who this person inside me is.
i'll tell ya.

it feels nice to be known. by someone. just one person is good enough.
Apr 2013 · 639
Untitled
raðljóst Apr 2013
today's epiphany
was of my likeliness to become
a jack-of-all-trades
and a master of none
raðljóst Apr 2013
kiss me in the storm and wipe the raindrops from my face,
you're more afraid to know my tears.

so that's what you meant, when you said "forever",
you meant "for now".

well i guessed that eternity was a fake
and the last page number would be even

but then i was wrong because you took more than i could give you
and the odds were never in my favor

french songs sung with the breath of cold ***
and dizzy dancing on the back porch with you

but it didn't mean enough to be remembered,
the photographs burned out with our love.
declan you **** but i loved you then in the rain
and again on the mountain but you know
things change and i survived and you did too
and maybe yeah, that was best
because you've got that girl with the name that sounds like mine
and i've got him and he's as good sunshine
and i am happy
and i have learned
raðljóst Apr 2013
i said stop! stop that now!
but my blood won't listen
and my lungs won't listen
and my brain won't listen

and all the external features are blind to me
they turn away and frown
they stamp their feet all over me and let me down

and inside i feel like a hurricane
it's been let loose, destroying my sanity
my soul feeling much like the storming sea

my skin is a cage and my heart is trapped within
it calls out to the open air, says, "let it all blow over!"
but no one is near to lend a four-leafed clover

i'm **** out of luck,
got to get through
the panic
*again.
Apr 2013 · 374
stop it stop it all now
raðljóst Apr 2013
free falling across the dark end of the room and my limbs sprawl out from my body and your fingers tremble and your eyes are staring still and what has overcome you now?
you made me up and grew me and you know i recognize the bruises marked out on my legs but i do miss you.
and even though you took yourself away from the picture, away from the world and away from me, i do love you, whoever you may be.

come back
come back
come back

i need a father.
this is the beginning of a panic attack and I don't want it to happen but it is but maybe i will just keep writing and distract myself but still think about dad but still think about gas and cars and my fears and this is the reason for those fears and he died in that car and the blonde lady came to tell me and i was four and my brother couldn't walk yet and i was flying arcross the room when he was angry at me and he stood by the door and my mother beat her fists against him to "STOP IT NOW" but he wouldn't stop the angry and he yelled and yelled and i said "daddy i missed you" and he was angry and always gone and then one day he didn't come back to anywhere.
Apr 2013 · 870
wolves.
raðljóst Apr 2013
the wolves call like hungry cats calling on the stairwell back home,
and i tremble in the night with my blankets wrapped around my frozen legs.
tonight is a night for letting go of the past,
but i can never forget the sounds of her broken-heart,
and the images of the mind that she lost to the twilight-sky.
tonight is a night for remembering the golden words spoken,
but my memory is bronze and i can't hear the sound of her songs in my mind -
only wolves and a breaking heart that beat out the rhythm of her love for me,
ever-slowing sounds like petals of a rose wilting by the window.
go to sleep now, stop putting thoughts into words.
Apr 2013 · 474
tuesdays.
raðljóst Apr 2013
I've got so used to being near you,
So accustomed to seeing your smile,
And so comfortable in your clothing,
That when you leave I feel
Naked,
Blind,
And forsaken
In the absence of you.
please don't leave, i never leave you
please leave, i want you to enjoy your time alone
please stay, i want to hold you
please go, i will be fine with empty arms.

jasper is away this week as well. and i have a total of 64 hours of work and school this week and my body is crashing on me again. i notice when he is not around. it's good for him to have amazing experiences like going to whistler or going to skills canada competitions, but at the very same time i am wishing for him to be with me. it is selfish. i am sorry.
Apr 2013 · 515
today.
raðljóst Apr 2013
remember the days like these
when life is good to you,
and when it puts up a fight
you can sing over the rage
and pretend all's well
until it caves
into acceptable behaviour.
speedpoetry, don't edit, just go!
tonight is weird.
Apr 2013 · 335
all too soon
raðljóst Apr 2013
the pages of my memory are
                                              f        
        ­                                        a
                       ­                        l
                                                  l  
          ­                                     i
                                              n
               ­                                  g
                                                      from my spine.
Jasper tells me stories of us from only a few months ago and I have little recollection of them. I know that amazing things happened, for I have photographs, letters, and notes to remind me, but if I don't look at them I forget so easily.

It's lovely when he tells me but I wish that I could remember. My memory is failing me at sixteen.
Apr 2013 · 927
rants.
raðljóst Apr 2013
i resent it all
the technology that brought us here
but what good is here?
and why
do we want to stay
in this wretched place?
Apr 2013 · 1.2k
laundry.
raðljóst Apr 2013
folding laundry with you

singing don't let me down

and you know

i never will,

but those words look lovely

on your lips.
today Jasper and I put on the Mission to Mexico soundtrack and sang all the songs together while folding his clothes in an attempt at cleaning his room. I've bothered him about it for a few months and today we felt spontaneous so we started cleaning it at random.

An example of the simple parts of love, I suppose.
Apr 2013 · 405
in morning with you.
raðljóst Apr 2013
in the morning in the library room
when i was drawing and where i forgot
you were sitting,     not far,    not away,
        *the remembering was sunshine in my body.
Apr 2013 · 393
the anxiety
raðljóst Apr 2013
make yourself smaller
smaller
small

until your problem
      shrinks
            to a size
that doesn't
scare you.
Apr 2013 · 367
gold - ten words.
raðljóst Apr 2013
You are golden light,
and I love
your every ray.
Apr 2013 · 300
memories - ten words.
raðljóst Apr 2013
one day
      you will only own memories -
   so keep them.
Apr 2013 · 1.1k
something incredible.
raðljóst Apr 2013
She said,

"I am happy with the occasional dash of rage,
anxiety, or depression.
In the end,
it makes for a beautiful portrait,
and you've been here
to witness the brushes of my past six months
painting something incredible, "


and I was in love.
Apr 2013 · 343
people:
raðljóst Apr 2013
We are all puzzles
- incomplete -
with no photograph on the box
to help us.
I don't know who I am yet.
Apr 2013 · 543
this dance.
raðljóst Apr 2013
we are standing on a dark stage
beneath contours of chandeliers.
the piano's keys won't give way
to my tumbling, restless fears.
before, we broke the windows
and took out all the doors,
now I can barely lift my fingers
to intertwine with yours.
*and Jasper, I'll take this last dance,
beneath a shiny disco ball,
just promise that you'll catch me
if my shadow decides to fall.
this all happened and i am still wondering how it did.
Mar 2013 · 829
for example: depression.
raðljóst Mar 2013
sometimes the feeling is too intense for a midday coffee out in the town
or even a sunday afternoon stroll along that beach we never go to anymore. but that
feeling doesn't go away simply because it's unwanted or because the time just isn't
appropriate.
that feelings hangs around in it's unwelcome nature and nags at us to give it
some recognition. maybe if we stopped for a while, sat down on a salted log
somewhere along that coastline, and listened to the silence that comes along
with that pestering feeling, we'd understand just why we need to feel like that.
so often we are surrounded by the
standards
that say, no, you can't feel that, no
you can't express that, no you can never ever tell anyone you feel that way. maybe
if one day we realized that it only takes a moment of knowing and
accepting
that you feel like it to make it all start to go away.
Mar 2013 · 537
envelop
raðljóst Mar 2013
I wish that I
                     could turn myself into love;

From head to finger-tip-toe
                                            and to each broken strand of golden hair.

I'd stretch myself outward until
                                                    love encompassed you.
i can't explain the feeling any better
yet
Feb 2013 · 616
ash and ember
raðljóst Feb 2013
by the glow of the embers
my eyes watched
as our
love grew through
the concrete floors
of
our old home.

and i,
rising up from the ash,
sang aloud to you.
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