we use mascara to
mask our madness,
and concealer to
cover our faults.

we refuse to leave
the house until we’ve
done our makeup.

we forget our wallets
on the kitchen counter.
sometimes, we have to
drive all the way back home
just to pick them up.

we forget to say goodbye
to our families as we
rush out the door to
get to work on time.

we forget car keys,
glasses, cell phones,
pocketbooks.

we forget everything
that we know we
need to remember.

but we never forget
to put on our makeup.

we never forget the idea that
our values are almost always
determined by some man’s
perception of beauty,

and that our brains
mean nothing if we
can’t share our thoughts,

and that we can’t share
our thoughts if we
don’t look pretty enough
to draw attention.

we never forget that we are
ignored by our bosses and
criticized by our coworkers,
until our beauty is noticed.

we never forget that our
bodies receive more attention
than our voices ever have.

we forget to prepare
our presentations,

but we never forget
to prepare our bodies
for an entire day
of being judged.

fall in love with yourself
the way that you want
to be loved.

stop letting strangers take
refuge in your body.

you are not a
momentary place.

you were not built to be
someone’s hideaway
or vacation house.

you were not designed
to handle people
walking in and out
of your life.

your body is tired
of hurting.

tell these short-term
visitors to leave.

the scratches and
scuff marks left by
their careless actions
do not define you.

you expect abandonment.
permanence feels foreign.
someone staying feels
unnatural to you.

but please remember that
you deserve to be
so much more than a
resting spot for someone
to briefly stop at, and
continue on their way.

despite what you may
believe about yourself,
you are not temporary.

please, be kind to yourself.

as you travel through life,
remember that it doesn’t matter
whether you believe it or not.
you are worth it.
and not believing that doesn’t
make it any less true.

please, stop searching
for another guest.

find someone who
feels less like a tourist,
and more like a home.

if you tell me that you want to know
what it’s like to live the way that I do,
I will laugh to myself, because
the truth is you don’t want to know.

you don’t want to live the way
that I live, or feel how I feel.

and even if you did, you can’t.
you can hear about it
and learn about it,
but you can never feel
the way that I do.

don’t keep trying to understand
the way that my mind operates.
don’t keep trying to feel like me.

be thankful that you can’t.

but if you must know,
imagine this:

it’s early in the morning
and you’re at the end of a dream,
or maybe a nightmare.

you’re kind of awake,
but not quite. you’re groggy.
you haven’t gotten out of bed yet,
and you don’t feel like it.

and then you hear your
alarm clock going off,
and you realize, oh ****,
you’re late to work.

you need to get up now
and you know that.
but when you try to,
you suddenly can’t.

you’re stuck in your bed,
unable to even open your eyes.
you’re not paralyzed.
you seem physically fine,
but you’re stuck there.
you have an overwhelming
need to wake yourself up.
you don’t know why you can’t.

you’re stuck in your bed for so long,
you begin to think that maybe
the dream that you’re in is now real.
maybe the real world isn’t there anymore. you can’t think of a logical explanation.
it doesn’t make any sense.

yesterday, you woke up
and got out of bed, and you
made it to work on time.
you were even a few minutes early.
there was no problem at all.

but wait, how long ago
was yesterday?
you don’t know
if yesterday was yesterday,
or if yesterday was a year ago.

you’ve been stuck here,
frozen in your bed while
the earth keeps spinning.
you have no way of knowing
what’s going on
in the world around you.

you know that this feels wrong.
you should’ve been able
to start your day.
you shouldn’t be stuck.

you know that you can’t
be living in a dream.
that’s not possible.

you know you’re not asleep.
you’re wide awake, but you’re stuck.
you can’t scream. you can’t move at all.
you’ve lost control over your body.
you can’t wake yourself up.

imagine that no matter what you do,
you can’t wake yourself up.

I want to recover.
I want to open up in therapy
and take my medication like I should.
I want to feel again.
I want this numbness to end.
I want to, I do.

but for that to happen,
my disorders and diagnoses
would have to go away.
I would be left to face
the real world all on my own.

this safe world that my disorders
have built around me would be gone.
I would no longer feel so
disconnected from my body.
I would no longer feel so
disconnected from the world around me.
my disorders would leave me.

I can’t lose any more friends.
I’m still hurt from those endings
that I never saw coming

and whether I like it or not,
these disorder are my best friends.
I can’t lose them yet.
I’m not strong enough.

what feels good can’t hurt you
until it’s not good anymore.

reality doesn’t touch the bedroom
until someone opens the door.

you can grasp skin and
pull someone close,
but it doesn’t stop them
from leaving
once you let go.

I try to forget about
the things that I’ve done,
and sometimes I can

but when I get home,
I see that my bad decisions
are still stained into
my bedsheets.

I went on a date today.
this isn’t going to be a poem
about how I found true love,
or how I met someone and
suddenly my problems all disappeared.

none of that happened.
this isn’t some fairytale and
I won’t sugarcoat my words.
I’m still hurting. I’m still furious
and confused and so, so tired.
these past few months
have not been pretty.
there is no way to
romanticize this pain,
and there is no reason to.

these past few months have been
breakup ***, followed by regret,
and then a rush of hope.
they have been relearning life
and drinking far too much,
blackouts and breakdowns
and *****.

I am healing, and that takes time.
I’m still emotional.

but I went on a date today.
it’s not a remedy for
magically forgetting. I didn’t forget.
it didn’t bring me total closure.

but I laughed today.
I listened today.
I was listened to today.
I talked about myself and my interests,
and my trauma wasn’t a
topic of discussion for the
first time in a very long time.
it was refreshing.

I went on a date today.
this isn’t something that
would be front-page news.
there wasn’t some
earth-shattering, incredible moment.
my life has not changed.

but today I had fun.
I felt relaxed and worry-free

and for the first time
in a very long time,
I went to bed
reflecting on my day
and not about all of
the days I spent
with you.