thank you for sharing your heart with me.
i knew the minute from when we met that we'd be forever.
forever,
as time goes by i convinced myself that it didn't exist until i met you.
i know a lot of people see our relationship as too much but it doesn't matter.
i'll forever love you.
you have the key to my heart.
i thought i'd be sad my entire life.
but having you here,
with me,
reminds me that there's still good out there,
the good will always outweigh the bad.
i'm forever grateful that we crossed paths.
i can't imagine a world without you.
you're my soulmate,
you're my forever.
thank you.

my body wasn't here.
i knew what it meant when people said that the body and soul are two different things.
i felt the energy leave my fingertips.
my bed didn't feel like my bed and by the time i knew it,
i was rocking back and forth,
swaying side to side.
i knew what it felt like to be at peace,
for that hour i spend forgetting at cleansing,
i felt whole by myself.
i could see myself entering an aquarium.
tunnel like,
i walked through it,
touching the glass.
pink tinted,
i looked above me and to my left and right.
there were only koi fish.
their colors of red and eggshell white,
swam above me.
i was here and there at the same time.
i felt everything leaving through my fingertips,
all the bad and ugly.
i felt the light of something grow inside me and felt the warmth it gave off.
for this hour,
i felt saved.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
you.
oh god,
You.

i think i'll die twice when i have you in my arms again.
your warmth will be enough to heal me again.
your warmth will be enough for me to forget about the life i lived before you and after you.

i'll tell you about the book i wrote.
giving you a copy and waiting to see your face when you read that it was all dedicated to you.

i'll tell you about my farm.
the apples i've grown,
the animals i saved and took care of,
never slaughtered.

i'll tell you about how i painted and wrote everyday.
that every room in my house was filled with canvases of everything beautiful you can imagine.
that my drawers were filled with papers and notebooks of poems about everything and nothing.

i'll tell you about the heartbreak.
how the past would creep up on me from time to time.
the boy who took my heart for a little bit before giving it back completely broken.

i'll tell you about my best friends and family.
the way their smiles saved my life over and over again.

i'll tell you about how i made it.
i lived my life and now i'm here,
with you.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
and you.
oh god,
You.

i played the keys in the sky in hopes you would hear me.
i laid out notecards of things that would make you proud of me,
all in order,
all for you.
your voice will always sound like the sun,
whether it be on the hottest day in texas
or it be on a beautiful autumn day.
i know that since your presence in my dreams is gone now too,
you're finally up there.
all light and peace and happiness,
living without fear or anxiety
or sadness.
just visit now and then okay?
do you promise to change streetlights that aqua pearl color again?
do you promise to make yourself near enough to feel your energy as a hug when we need it?
i read in books that it's really nice up there.
let my little brother hold your hand,
let my grandmother make you food.
please be happy up there.

there was one night when i got home from work.
my family was getting ready to go to sleep while i was just barely taking off my shoes.
i dragged my body up the stairs and into my room where i leaned against my doorway.
it was thanksgiving.
my older sister began telling me everything i missed and i began to relive my work day.
something in my chest began to feel heavy.
and once again,
i needed a hug.
my mouth felt zipped,
i couldn't open it if i tried.
i remember slowly falling to my knees.
still in my work clothes,
i began to cry.
oh how badly i wanted to spend this holiday with my family,
oh how badly i just wanted that day to be over so i could consider it the past.
the present felt like a sharp pain in my chest.
i closed my eyes as tears made their way down my face.
in that quiet, painful moment
i felt arms around me.
i let myself go completely.
the silent tears turned into sobs as my head dug into my older sisters shoulder.
she rubbed my back and told me i did good, that she was proud of me,
that i did well.

i spent my days and nights contemplating and making lists of reasons i could stay here.
on thursday,
i couldn't lift my head up on the bus ride home.
i didn't want to look outside for nature would make me want to stay,
and i did Not want to stay,
i don't want to stay.
today
i thought and thought and thought.
my lists are empty and all i have now is the longing feeling for things and people are are no longer here

i could breathe again.
the world stopped,
all i could see when i closed my eyes were
trees swaying gracefully in the wind.
i could see mountains in the distance.
mountains with snow covered peaks,
not melting even when the sun shined on us.
my hands touched the grass beneath my feet,
letting every blade of grass slip their way inbetween my fingertips.
this is the most beautiful moment in life.
right here,
right now.
it was all happening again,
but this time different.
this time was forever.
i held the galaxies in my the cups of my hands
and i felt the universe's kiss on my cheek.
i want to be here.
i could breathe again,
unafraid.

i'll still love you even when the sky begins to fall.
looking at you,
i began to understand how everyone felt when jesus came back.
a sign of relief,
a sign of "hey, it's all going to be okay".

we grew up together playing house,
i remember one night you called me your king and i called you mine.
it was nothing but a growing, childhood love.
my star projector let us count stars on my bedroom ceiling until we were old enough to sneak out, lay on park benches and count the ones in the sky.
our heads touching each other was the only thing that could help me fall asleep.
time never stopped for us,
even if it did feel like it when we held hands,
we grew taller and eventually,
not even the warmth of my arms was enough for you.
we grew up and apart.
i waited for you one summer night on that bench,
closing my eyes, pretending my hand touching the tip of my head was yours.
the sun began to rise and you never came.
i dreamt that you came and we counted the stars again.
i wanted to count your eyelashes again and see how many galaxies your eyes held again,
but i couldn't.
everything has faded again and
the only time i see you now is when i close my eyes.

i would like there to be flowers and trees.
i would like to see my best friend again and my grandmother and everyone who's made me smile.
i'd like to lay on the flowers forever.

these tears in my eyes seem to never dry
and no dad,
i don't want anything for my birthday.
i don't know if i'll be here to blow out the candles.

reading a children's book about finding the happiness in the small things made me cry.
because i'm trying to find That happiness.
i know it's there but i can't see it anymore.
the light from my eyes feels like it's been taken away and i'm wondering more and more if this life is worth living.

oh the things i would do to feel alive.
staying up for as long as many cups of coffee would let me.
talking to people on other sides of the world,
or on different sides of the street.
hugging you under the moonlight,
talking about god knows what and feeling like in That moment,
we were all that's ever happened,
that's ever existed.
sleeping pills,
so many bottles made me feel euphoric and numb.
music played so loud in my ears that
they rung after pulling out their lifeline.
oh the things i would do to survive.
glasses of lemon water for dinner.
no, dad i'm not hungry but maybe later.
i wouldn't sleep until i could feel the lemon water coming back up every time i rose from a sit up.
oh the things i would do to,
to die.
because that's what all of this was going to end to right?
one way or another?

i miss the pier.
how the waves crashed on top of each other,
becoming a mirror for the moonlight.
i remember closing my eyes and listening to a street performer playing his guitar,
i let every note he played fill my chest and for a moment i forgot how sad i was.
i wish i wasn't that sad when i was there.
oh how he played so passionately,
he knew he stopped time as his fingers picked the strings.
i miss the pier.
the smell of seawater stuck to my clothes and under my nose,
and for once
i loved it.
i remember sitting down on the steps and watched everyone smile and hold each other close.
i just wish that was me.
so many people showing their talents,
i called them beautiful
and i never wanted to leave.
the smell of popcorn and funnel cake surrounded the air.
i felt like a kid again.
the world stopped as tears slowly flooded my eyes,
the water,
the music,
the laughter and smiles,
the talent.
god, how i missed the pier.

and just like that, i became yours again.
i couldn't even remember your name or the color of your eyes
but i remember Love.
i remember our love.
if i close my eyes long enough, i can remember how your hands felt on the small of my back.
how you kept me warm and safe.
baby, i can't remember your name but i remember my heart skipping every time you spoke.
how i cried being held in your arms,
for they felt like nothing past or behind us mattered.
your embrace healed me and i became light in your chest.
i am forever yours.

sometimes the sky can seem overwhelming to me.
sometimes looking at it,
this big, great feeling washes over me and makes me feel still.
for this short while i feel my eyes and my mind make me relive everything that's been worrying me.
looking at the color changing sky,
i get the feeling of wanting to cry.
because worry and sadness and misfortune is woven into my existence,
it's a part of me that can't be erased and it's a part of me that no matter how hard i try i attract these negative things.
oh how i envy how i'm here and the sky is up there.
i want to chase it in hopes that one day i'll become a part of it.

the truth is,
i'm afraid to have friends.
there's something uneasy in my stomach about the thought of doing things friends do.
like hanging out,
and going places like the mall or wherever friends go.
and being vulnerable to them,
trusting them.

what i be remembered for?
loving?
every time you'll hear my name,
what will you think of?
the secrets i kept?
the nights of years spent crying over wanting to be someone else?
or will you forget all of that and remember my eyes?
how we danced under the streetlight at one in the morning?
how we held each other?
maybe i don't want to be remembered.

me.
one that cleans to the point where the endless chemicals and dish scrubbing makes my fingers peel and look like raisins.

me.
who feels the overwhelming happiness seeing my friends smile and laugh.

me.
who stays up until my alarms go off both panicking and studying.

me.
who can't feel a thing most of the time.

me.
a boy who doesn't understand how this whole living thing works and wants to desperately, oh so desperately, know what's on the other side.

me.
who will be okay.
cause i always am.

there are scars and wounds that never heal from when you beat your fists into me.
the scars all over my body,
my "hiding" places that only pulled the curtain when i knew i was alone.
my hand shook as the blade fell from it.
my mind filled up with every thought possible.
how i never change,
how i will always be as broken as i was the first time i let myself fall.

this *** of coffee kept me awake,
it helped my eyes stay open as i watched the dark sky turn into hues of pink and light blue,
it always reminded me of cotton candy.
this *** of coffee,
i felt it's warmth go down my throat and splash around in my empty stomach.
oh how much i would love a cigarette right now.
the combination tastes terrible but, somehow,
it slowed down time.

becoming yours was and is my greatest accomplishment.
born from the same star and meeting again on this universe is destiny.

destiny,
us,
destiny and us,
two synonyms.

fate, soulmates, one in a million, a forever person, a forever chapter, whatever you want to call it
that's Us.

i couldn't see myself standing on the edge anymore.
i lectured myself before thinking those kinds of thoughts again.
that's not who i am,
and even if it's how i am sometimes,
the happy me is the Real me.
i closed my eyes in your embrace,
this was enough to keep me grounded.
i don't see myself on the edge anymore.

it wasn't enough.
perfect attendance since kindergarten,
straight a's,
president of the student council,
studying to be a doctor or nurse or whatever the ******* wanted me to be.
dad, i'm trying.
dad, am i doing it all wrong?
i hid away my depression and anxiety for it made you uncomfortable.
and i know you don't believe in the black growing sadness that's inside of me and i hid away for so long,
just for you.
i cried and beat my way to where i am now.
for what?
dad, all i wanted was an "i'm proud of you.",
or a pat on the back.

did i do this all wrong?

i love you beyond infinity,
around the moon two times,
around saturn,
and touching every star on the way back to you.
i love you.
i love you because with us,
we are never cold,
only warm.
flowers blossom when you're near and i swear life before Us didn't exist.
i love you more than anything.

i was drifting away again.
time seemed to fly over my head and i was left with a reflection looking back at me.
the weight of the world fell on my shoulders again.
the pain that grew in my heart was unbearable again.
again, and again, and again, and again.
i kept feeling like this,
one way or another.
i'm drifting away again,
this time hopefully forever.
i held my hands close to my chest,
not interest in holding onto earth anymore.

i remember standing in front of my bedroom window when i had my first anxiety attack.
my first boyfriend expressed anger towards me and it triggered something in me.
the yelling he had towards me reminded me of my parents.
with my parents, i never got anxiety attacks.
i would just be scared.
but then this happened,
i had to step away.
it was the summer time so i always kept my window open for the air to come in.
so i stepped away and found myself in front of my window.
i heard my heartbeat through my ears and felt its thumping shake my body.
the lump in my throat made it difficult to breathe and i remember thinking that i was going to die in that moment.
i closed my eyes and felt the cold summer wind hit my face.
it was the first time something felt like a hug that wasn't a pair of arms.

i forgive you.
i'm sending this letter to you through the energy wave lengths that will stay between us forever.
it took a lot of years for me to that i'll forgive you but i'm ready to close the chapter of my life where your name is still printed in.
the mountains i climbed for you to love me where never enough,
the nights i begged for you to not treat me like the gum under your shoe were not worth it.
one day i hope you make peace with your demons like i'm learning to now.
you will always have a piece of my heart,
and no matter how much sadness and anger rises in me thinking of the treatment you gave for years,
i will treat you with kindness and love.
you have no place in my life anymore and that's okay.
i hope one day you can find that happiness you were searching for.

moon,

i know what you're thinking all the time and please slow down.
the world feels like it's crashing and i don't know what to tell you except that this will pass too.
i want to tell you to just think of the smell of mom,
those random saturday mornings where you'd wake up to breakfast with your family.
but i can't because i know that thaf won't make your heart full.
and i'm sorry.
for i know i contribute to these bad thoughts.
we will be okay.
i don't know that for sure.
and i know you think or know that this, you, ends in death and maybe it will but
it's okay even if that's the case.
slow down, breathe.

sincerely,

me

tomorrow,
i've been waiting for this day for months,
for years.
and it's here.
all the hurt and pain has left my body and for this day,
for tomorrow,
it'll be like it was never here.
love and happiness has filled my veins and my inch of my soul.
tomorrow,
wait for me.

dear friend,
i'm happy to have met you in this life.
i can't remember my past lives but i believe that i've met you in those too.
i still remember the beginning of our friendship,
it's nice and i like it.
you've lit up my life.
i could swear on everything i have that the universe brought us together,
that the universe showed me you to prove that someone could be the most beautiful living thing ever.
more than any flower,
moment,
memory,
sunset,
sunrise,
person,
living organism,
everything.
you're all of these things in one human and i still feel paralyzed with love and warmth talking to you.
there's moments that i feel undeserving of your presence.
every bad thing seems to be nonexistent when i talk to you.
the love i have for you seems different from other kinds of love.
i can't explain it other than "our love".
it's unique and one of a kind,
nothing like it will ever exist i think.
i tried to write you a poem before,
for the first time and i think it was about macaroni shaped like a smiley face.
there's no words to describe you or this.
meeting you will be the best day ever.
i think the earth might explode from happiness radiating from us.
when i think of us meeting all i can imagine are supernovas.
supernovas outshine galaxies and radiate more energy than the sun will in its entire life.
i think that describes our friendship.

i want to slip away into the darkness that covers and comforts me.
i want to become one with it,
slipping away from what is and what used to be.

i think i'm deserving of something good.

i walked, ran, and stayed in hell.
i forgave people who hurt who hurt me.
at a very young age, my entire world collapsed on top of me over and over again.
i still remember hearing the judge tell my parents about the word 'neglect'.
i remember everything.
i remember the house shaking and i still hear the doors slam and people yelling if i close my eyes long enough.
i can still see the police men outside the front door.
i can still feel the punch that winded me.
i relived everyday three times, twice if i was lucky.
i've been used and been told that i am the reason that god never listens to me.

but i think that i deserve more than that.
because i wasn't those people who hurt me.
i hurt myself but i'm not my parents or my siblings or the mean people at school who made fun of me.
i forgave everyone and am trying to forgive myself even though i know i did
nothing
wrong.

so why?

don't i deserve to breathe? don't i deserve something good?

i've always had a love for you.
although i've visited you a handful of times,
you're still as beautiful as when i met you the first time.
the sounds of your running waves crashing against the soft sand
pulled my heartstrings.
in those moments, there was no bad times.
i've forgotten what pain felt like in your presence.
thank you sea.

from one of many admirers,
moon.

you're not coming back,
are you?
there are times where i'm laying in bed and for a moment,
a split second of time,
where i forget that you ever left the earth.
but then it hits me again.
That day and Those messages and Those headlines and all of Those horrible emotions
and i remember.
you're not coming back,
are you?
for there are no words or actions i could do to make you walk the earth again.
for i won't be able to hear your voice or see your chocolate brown eyes for a long, long time.

i don't feel loved.
right now.
my heart has closed their doors to any emotion other than self hate and every horrible possibility that ends with everyone leaving me again.
i've sat alone and been alone.
i don't want that again.
but right now,
my heart doesn't feel Love.
i can feel it shrinking and hear it weeping.
i wish i could feel love.

there are starting to be more times where i want to disappear.
abandon all these materials and leave.
i want to be by the ocean,
i think feeling her waves wet my feet and the sand beneath them will cure everything.
the moon talks to me at night and if i'm lucky,
i'll see him during the day as the skies begin to look like an artist's palette.
he tells me, "it's okay. we'll see each other again. just not now.".
and my heart breaks when i close my eyes to rest and i don't know why.

you saved my life.
you saved me from myself, from the bad, from the pain.
i can never thank you enough.
everything feels like a letter to you, because it is.
there will never be words to describe the how ******* good it felt to feel my heart beat again.
i couldn't be here without you.
the blood in my veins thanks you,
the healthy pounding of my heart thanks you.
thank you.

it was all falling into place.
the sun after the rain rose suspicion inside me but i'm actually trying to "be in the moment" like i was taught and told.
ignoring my mind convincing me of the lightest gray sky,
i smiled at the grass beneath me.
feeling how every blade glided between my fingertips,
how cold it was against my hand.
how i couldn't help but pay attention to my stomach twisting and turning in every direction,
the attention made it grin.

but it was falling into place, right?

there are moments of silence and chaos.
losing the only thing keeping me plugged into reality made me realize how loud everything is and everyone was.
your voice in my ears,
life seemed like a 1920 silent film,
everyone moved and talked,
slapstick comedy that only a rare amount laughed.
but now your voice seems to far away and hearing everyone live and witnessing everything all at once,
was too much.
far too much.
i miss the days where i would look outside at the rain and feel comfort.
now i can only make your face out of the pouring rain painting the pavement when i wish you were here.

you deserve to be here.

as much as i wanted to go home,
i couldn't.
i tried to calm rapid heart with tricks taught to me by my counselor.
this place made me feel anxious and small,
it left me speechless and  breathless.
i just want to go home.

it was so emotional paralyzing.
living, i mean.
there were no other words to describe it other than,
the buildup of emotions in my chest made everything unbearable.
i was so fragile and no one held me.
i wanted so badly to be held.
i couldn't even live for you anymore and i'm sorry.
everything felt like it was closing in on me and at the same time,
everything was so big and i felt so insignificant again.
i kept writing and writing,
"why do i feel like this?
when will it get better?
why does it never get better?"
i'm close to my end and these hands are typing faster and faster,
trying to milk out every single last word that left in me.

you called me and asked me over the phone if i liked you.
i was happy to hear your voice.
i told you i did.

i'm seventeen years old.
out of those seventeen years, i spent more than half of them depressed.
the world fell apart around me and on top of me over and over again.
i asked for hugs from people who were supposed to love me and got hit instead.
but ---------

last night, i asked god to forgive me,
i asked every god and the universe to forgive me for what i was planning to do.
my face hot from holding in sobs,
i held my hands together,
i brought my forehead down to them
and on my knees,
i asked for forgiveness.

you will not be my muse.
i won't let the hurt you've inflicted on me to be the base and formation of what i write
for i am done with writing about people who have pained me.

you will not be my muse.

i saw you from across the room and tilted my head.
you were talking with a friend.
i wondered about what.
just a small glance towards me would make me panic so thank you for not noticing me.

their faces became so familiar that i started to feel like i've known their face for my whole life,
even before this lifetime.
thank god they're here.
without them,
i wouldn't be here to write
or love.

it made no sense at all.
why did i care so much about things that shouldn't matter and don't exist at all?
why do i do this to myself?
what's wrong with me and why does it not want me alive?
sitting in these classroom chairs,
i don't know if i can make it.
i can't seem to see how or where i'll turn out.
what am i doing here?

it's tough to stay awake.
i try to keep my head down,
go unnoticed.
but you see me.
my chin picks up and your smile is there,
you are there.
the world seemed quiet again.
i could never open my mouth to thank you for making my mind simply shut up.
i don't think you know how quiet you make my rattling bones.
i feel light seeing your smile.
do you know the power you hold in something so simple?

i cut myself open to find new wounds,
to touch old scars that time "healed".

now i can't stop thinking of everything they all said;
"you have no friends because you're fat.
you're the reason you're always alone.
so scared all the time, of course no one wants to be around you,
you gained fat.
you're fat.
what are you wearing?
i don't love you anymore, maybe someone else will.
you don't get to leave.
you don't get to decide when this is over.
i wish i could just leave you here alone.
i don't want to look at you.
this is all your fault.".

all my fault.
it was my fault i was overweight, then underweight, then "just right".
you never saw those showers where i'd be hunched over,
mouth in a cup.

all my fault.
you made me believe i said the wrong things when i told you made me sad.
you left me when i told you you made me sad.

all my fault.
i wanted to leave you and you told me i couldn't.
i wanted to be free from you.

i want to sew myself back up and forget again.

i always think about how love wasn't enough in the end.
how i'm still going to write my final note in tears,
not remembering the love that would once save me from being at This point.
how i'm still going to go to sleep and not wake up.
in the end, love wasn't enough.

your phone is ringing in your bedroom,
you're too busy in the kitchen talking about another life,
talking about the future
like you're so sure about it.
your vocabulary only has "am",
i see your chest puff out with so much certainty.
i grew up wondering how you did it,
i always wondered what your secret was to making everything okay even when it really, really wasn't okay.
i grew up hoping, wishing, praying that it was genetic,
i wanted to make everything okay too.
but it wasn't,
it wasn't in my bones or my veins or woven into my existence.