last night, i let go of you.
i stopped waiting by the phone,
as if you'd ever even called in the first place.
i closed my eyes and thought of
your rose tinted cheeks,
your smile,
your laugh,
your emerald colored eyes,
the way you said you said you loved me,
the way i could feel you even if you were far away from me,
just one last time
i thought of all these things.
i held my chin up high and i swallowed the lump in my throat.
goodbye.

it was one of those days to be silent.
the frustration and anger and sadness mixed in with each other that i could no longer tell what i was feeling.
but i knew i just needed to be silent.

it grew and grew until i couldn't sink into my chair anymore.
this growing anxiety that flared up inside me whenever someone walked past me.
irrational
and confusing
but real,
very real.
paralyzed where i was sitting,
i couldn't even lift my head.

this can't be happening.

this wasn't happening.

as she called my name, everything went silent
and everything stopped.
deer in the headlights,
i shook this feeling off and smiled,
i'm okay.

what do you mean that the universe is still growing?
what do you mean that we're just a small speck on this great universe where,
in the end,
don't know if we're real or not?
you feel real,
i feel real,
our love feels real,
but is it?
nights and classes wasted reading story upon story of those who kissed death.
what do you mean you don't think anything happens in the afterlife?
when i leave, will you look at butterflies and think of me?
for i too want to be remembered.
will you remember me?

the best words are those written in tears.
mine are written in reopened wounds and the scars on my heart.

i watched you die over and over again.
i saw you disappear in your bed sheets instead of going to school.
i felt the broken pieces of your heart poke my chest when i hugged you in attempt to repair it.
the more puffy your eyes were,
the worse day it was.
i wrote you poems and letters filled with love and heartache.
i told you we were going to travel and i would get tattoos all dedicated to you.
in these moments,
and always,
i would break my back for you.
bu there's not enough hugs,
not enough letters or poems one could write to help your flowers flourish again.
it's been the longest winter,
and at the same time,
we never wanted it to end.
you wanted to hold on
and i had no choice but for it to consume me too.
there weren't enough hugs or letters,
there weren't enough friend visits and smiles to make things how they were before.
for i too quickly tape down pieces of my soul to keep me grounded,
to keep me from floating away
because

you

need

me.

you need me to be here,
to be strong for the both of us.
there were times where i couldn't be there.
those were the times where  i would stare at the ceiling,
sit on my flood,
cry for hours.
write notes for my loved ones.
"i'm sorry."
but i can see spring.
i can see the warmth.
i can smell the smell of morning dew.
i can hear the rain that heals us all,
most importantly i can see our flowers growing in our veins again.

the sea looked so endless.
i woke up seeing blue hues.
it was early and quiet,
these moments made me feel like the entire world was asleep,
even the earth herself.

i wanted to say what i wanted to say to you.
i'm sorry.
you're mean to me and my own sibling shouldn't bring me death on a silver platter.
i'm sorry.
do you understand the effect your words have on me?
i'm sorry.
you made my mind up when i asked myself if i wanted to breathe anymore.

i'm sorry.

when did it go?
did it leave the night you told me you loved me?

when and why did my head decide that what we had was no good anymore?

i can't bring it back.
no matter how much i wanted to, it all left.

i kept flying away until you looked like a very small bug beneath me.
i didn't want to deal or feel so i flew.
i kept flying higher and higher,
the more i couldn't breathe, the wider my smile got.
i couldn't hear you screaming my name or the clutter of everybody.
flying,
flying,
flying
flying away.

there was no doubt that my parents loved me.
of course they'd hug me and tell me they loved me when i was a small child.
but the universe shifted and we all know the hell that was brought upon us for those dark years.
everyone changed and i tried so hard to hold onto what we all had.
but i couldn't.
my parents stopped hugging me back.
there would be silence when i told them i loved them.
i began to lock myself up in every way shape and form.
i wanted you to come find me, mom.
i wanted you to hug me again.
i just wanted you to look at me, dad.
please just lift your head up.
where were you when i was crying?
there was a point where i didn't care if anyone heard me,
there was a point where i didn't care where i was.
even if you were standing right next to me as i bawled my eyes out,
where were you?

i want to write about you forever,
i want to write about us forever.
i'll try my best to keep us alive,
even if it hurts
because right now,
i can't let go of you,
of us.

i'll write about the first time you told me you loved me,
about how my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest when you simply smiled,
about how the love we shared and gave each other was real and will forever mean something to me.

and although my heart was blue sometimes,
and when your words cut deep into me,
i can't seem to let go.
not yet.

i just wanted to sit down.
sit down and breathe.
i don't know where but i want to be alone too.
i'll let my mind roam,
get bigger and small again.
i'd forget about everything,
my life,
my worries,
my past,
my future,
everything,
i'd forget it all and breathe.
it'd be like the first moments when i was born,
unaware and unexpierenced of all the pain and hurt that i once knew.
i just want to sit down and forget.

i feel all alone in this world.
i feel like i could cry for eternities.
nothing made sense anymore.
i couldn't feel my father's love even if he did mean it,
i can't feel it anymore from him.
they don't want me here.
no one wants me here.

my breath hitched as i breathed out sitting here.
they don't care.
they won't care.

i'm sorry i can't be strong like you want me to be.
my limbs feel heavier than my heart lately and it's hard to look at my friends without wanting to cry.
i still try to stand tall but it's hard today.
the massive lump in my throat got larger when my teachers asked me if i was okay.
because in all honestly,
no, i'm not.  
please hug me and tell me it's okay to cry.
tell me these tears running down my face will eventually stop.
tell me i'm strong enough to make it for two more years.
just less than 730 days and i'll be free.
i'm sorry i broke down today.
you have no idea how badly i wanted to fall when i stood up.
or how badly i wanted to run away from all of this.
i needed someone there,
i needed someone to hold my hand and tell me it's okay.

for the second time,
my mother left us.
it went by so quickly but the only words i can remember were
"this will be the last time you see me."
you don't know how words like that from your own parent effect you.

for the second time,
my mother broke my heart
but this time into pieces that can't be put together anymore,
too little and too shattered for me to want to attempt to try to mend it back together.

for the third time,
i know that things will never be the same.

for the "time i can't even count because it's been so many times",
i don't want to be here

why should i be here?

it feels like a question that's been planted inside my head for years and years. i ask myself this question during my darkest hours.

but it becomes clear to me when i see you. you, a light, a light that never fails to make me want to stay. looking at you, that answer disappears. not answered, but disappears.

but you aren't there all the time. i end my days alone and once again, that same neon light lights up my room, keeping me from sleeping, keeping me from even imaging you.

i sit facing that sign, tilting my head as if it'll give me answers if i stand differently. it doesn't.

in my darkest hours, i cry. the plans i had for the future: the apple farm, the cafe, the bakery, the dogs and cats, everything, it all seemed pointless and far away.

but eventually, with a flicker, the sign goes dark and, once again, i'm given a break from everything, from myself. eventually, i'll be okay again. eventually, i'll remember that the reasons i'm here are to love...

and of course, making sure i have the apple farm, cafe, bakery, and dogs and cats.

i hate how much emotion is held in photographs.

do you remember when we shared the same shade from the same tree?
our sweater covering the grass we laid on together,
sharing earbuds,
listening to songs that made me feel like we were the only people in this universe that mattered.
that day was so perfect.
we were
and you still are so
perfect.

today, i cried in class.
not even  your presence or hugs could fix my breaking heart and soul.
i tried doing the coping skills my counselor taught me,
but my breathing only got heavier and the voices in my head were louder.
people used to call me strong for still living,
still getting up in the morning,
still going to school
despite this demon and drags me back to That dark place.
but i'm not "strong" anymore,
i can barely lift my head from the palms of my hands and when i do, i look at them,
wandering why i ended up this way.

"i know you feel uneasy about the future but i'll be right by your side."
this,
this sentence in your handwriting meant the world to me.
looking ahead of me,
it doesn't seem dark anymore.
i've learned to not value my self worth based on my grades.
this is a huge thing for me.
do you know how many nights i've spent crying because of school?
i guess it happens to everyone but i almost left the world because my grades didn't match my needs or the teachers treated me like ****.
i'm learning to push those thoughts in the trash whenever they surface,
not to the back of my mind,
in the trash.
things are Very slowly,
but surely,
going to be okay.

in my last moments i would be saved,
i just know it.
whether it'll be someone or something,
it will help me find myself.

when is it my time to be happy again?
the universe doesn't feel next to me anymore and i can't hear the ocean when i close my eyes anymore.
my bouncing, anxious leg kept me awake and i couldn't help but think of you.
oh you,
you,
you,
you.
where are you?
who are you?
when i think of you, you seem like a bad dream now.
a really, really bad dream.
a fairytale of storms and natural disaster.

i would never have to spend nights crying over the same thing.
i could forget who i am and who i used to be.
is that even a question?

but that isn't a thing.
i will probably never forget who i am or
who i was, or
what i've been through.
there are starting to be more times where i don't know if this is still a chemical imbalance or
i just won't let go of the past even though it's piercing my hands.

i stared at it.
it's been over two weeks since i've written a piece and it's been over a month since i continued my book.
hopeful that it'd move and let me write,
like the way my cat likes to sleep on my keyboard.
please move.

i'm nothing.
why am i here?
will i ever be okay?
just breathe, levi.
why i am so useless?
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.

i tried taking deep breaths,
i really did.
i counted to ten then backwards from ten then up to ten again.
i feel like i could stare at my wall for hours,
i feel nothing and everything right now.
my soul is clinging onto every emotion that it can
and right now,
that emotion is sadness and frustration.
this makes my eyes turn into an ocean and the lump in my throat forms so big i'm convinced i'll always feel this way.
breathing makes my heart feel heavy and i'm at the point where i've bottled everything up that me dropping my pencil might make me lose it.
i close my eyes in hope that it'll stop the tears from running but somehow,
then leave anyways.
i try so hard to push all the bad thoughts and thinking in general away,
"i have homework to do", i say.
suddenly i want to see red but i keep reminding myself,
i have homework to do.
the weight on my chest feels like it'll never leave me.

i hurt myself over and over reading and rereading and creating words that made me think of you.
you,
the one who stayed by my side.
you,
the one who held my hand.
you,
the one who i'm ready,
finally ready,
to let go of.
you were my muse.
i wore you down in my mind until there were no other words to describe what happened between us.
the pain was replaced with inner pain but it was better than reliving us and ending my poems with "i love you".

i just wanted to be in your arms again.
no matter how bruised they made me and broke my heart,
i would do it over and over again,
for you.
and i hate myself for it.

it all flashed before my eyes again.
looking at you,
i forgot where i was,
that any of this was real again,
that i was here,
that You were here too.

i think was scares me most is us never meeting again.
even more than the world ending,
even more than never being able to breathe again.
i just want to meet you in every lifetime.

will you meet me here again?

i feel like all i could talk about now was the universes in your eyes and how you were the only person that could convince me to watch an action movie.
i ran to the ends of the world for you and i would gladly live this life all over to do it again.

you.
puppy eyes.
you.
a smile that cured my sadness.
you.
a presence that made me feel okay.

i laid in bed almost every night,
fighting with the night sky named you.
i tried to comfort myself with the thought that things and myself would never be the same again.

for when it rained on saturday,
i couldn't say i enjoyed it.
everything reminds me of you which is okay,
but it keeps hitting me that you're

not here.

but then everything was silent,
everything was still.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over and over again.
your hand touched mine, bringing me back.
our hearts synched and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind me of what it is to be alive,
to truly be alive.

you're like a star that lost their way and ended up here on earth,
with us,
with me.
your eyes,
oh god your eyes are more beautiful than any falling star,
they'd still be more beautiful even if it was raining crystals.
every time i see you all i can see are crisp autumn leaves,
the feeling of sunshine on my face,
everything good in the world.
when i look at you i start to understand what it means to be in complete awe of someone,
i'm starting to understand what love is because of you.

for years, i gave myself to many people.
lonely nights of wanting to just be wanted.
in my most vulnerable state,
i let them see me.

i met you and i felt the stars again.
your skin was soft and you told me that my broken beating heart wasn't meant to be like that.
those sweet words,
i knew what that meant.
i showed myself to him but he told me,
"you don't have to do that".
there was so secret intentions to the words that made my heart warm.

how could i Not fall for you?
i wish i could hold you again,
or you hold me,
or we hold each other
again.
how did you make the world stop with your warmth?
it made no sense how easily i turned into goo in front of you.
i can't explain it but you know how sometimes music leaves you speechless and wide eyed?
that was me in his presence.
the halo around him and the light that surrounded him was captivating and beautiful.
how could i Not fall for him?

i close my eyes and see you and hear you.
when they all stop talking and it becomes silent again,
memories of us play again over and over.
seeing you i could swear i felt nothing and that you were just someone else.
but why am i trying so hard to forget you?
why am i so set on becoming someone completely different with a new set of....
everything?
i don't want to forget you.
we brought each other joy and we grew so much with each other until there was nothing left.

i'm never going to forget you and i'm okay with that now.

you're just as beautiful as i remember.
you stood there,
rose cheeks,
towering over me,
light,
you,
you,
you.
you and you again.
you held my hands and i felt warm,
falling into your palms then your open chest.

we drove to the sea and i looked at you the whole ride there.
barely talking, i knew that you were still home.
the sea this time was unfamiliar and you were my sea this time,
you became my home.
it's like you always were.

you held me tight and i begged myself to not wake up.
i can't describe the cold and ache in my heart when my eyes opened and they were locked into yours.

will i see you again tonight?

scars,
everywhere.
from my wrists to my thighs to my ankles.
if i close my eyes long enough i can remember what it felt like again.
i just wanted to be in control of something,
i just wanted to make sure that the pain i was feeling was real.
but now they're there forever.
shorts looks weird,
short sleeved shirts are weird.
my parents looked at me differently the day they found out,
begged me to show them the things i did to myself.
i just wanted them to hold me.
my dad didn't talk to me for months,
i don't know why.
was he scared? did he just not know what to do or say?
diverted eyes and clothing that covered all skin for years and years.
scars,
everywhere
that remind to this day of the years i spent trying to simply just Feel anything else but numbness.
i just wanted to be held.

i didn't think i'd miss you as much as i do now.
i was just making a playlist and every song reminded me of you.
i started to think about the days that we spent on my bedroom floor.
heads touching,
we reached our hands to the ceiling and it was like every day leading up to This point was supposed to happen.
i was meant to be here,
with you.
the sunlight from my window hit our faces as it went down and
once again, our fingers found themselves to be intertwined.

i looked over at you,
your eyes were closed and you mouthed the words to every song that played over the earbuds we were sharing.
i was in awe.
you let me hold your hands and i smiled as you got more into the music and started dancing as we sat down.

you'll always be the one.
although we never touched hands or met eyes,
i can still feel you even though you're not here anymore.
you're my stars,
my moon.
the reason why the earth spins.
but i still feel empty sometimes.
i can't feel you sometimes.
proving to the sky that this is for you gets tiring sometimes but that will never stop me.
you're my best friend.
there's letters in my closet written to your name.
notebooks filled with bundles of words that have captured your existence,
as if it could.
sketches and paintings hung up that are you,
they're trees in the morning,
the sky hugging the world,
flowers in hands,
they're all you.
you'll always be the one.
and until we meet again friend,
i love you.

i love how ridiculous we are.
i love how when our eyes meet, it's not a staring contest but to see who'll pull away first.
the blush that grows on your cheeks is in clusters.
you let me hold your hand.
i love how ridiculous we are.
wine glasses filled with apple juice,
strawberries,
little sandwiches that i'll be too nervous to eat but i would for you.
i would eat for you.
i love how ridiculous we are.

my eyes ached watching the sun rise.
my coffee had gone cold in between thoughts that seemed to have a four hour lecture each.
i witnessed the sky paint once again,
it was like seeing those people in california streets make art.
making faces out of clay,
using watercolor to write your name and making a dolphin swim through the letters,
guitars hooked to amps playing the most perfect soundtrack of That night you'll never forget no matter how insignificant it was.
that's what the sky was doing.
the sun greeted me with a variety of colors,
all turning into each other and leaving then staying one.
slowly closing my eyes,
leaning on my arms,
only to repeat over and over again.

it was all okay.
i closed my eyes,
talked to the brightest star and told myself it was all okay.

it has to be.

the way you make my heart race is incomparable.
i swear you can hear the beat of it over the phone.
you held me so close,
closer than anyone ever has.
we confessed to each other multiple times.
telling each other that we miss each other even when we haven't met yet,
if we ever do.
how do you miss someone you've never met?
i don't know how, but i do.
i fell in love with you and i'm happy you said it first because the butterflies in my stomach became so greatly, i could barely look at you.

but i don't think it's real.
we so far away from each other.
i'm no one.
you're everything.