My father walked me down the aisle,
But my mother held my arm.
He went with me,
But we went not towards the altar,
But towards the door.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And the ***** rang through the church,
Humming through the elaborate crown molding,
Carved by my ancestors.

He went,
Not beside me,
But before me,
And I watched,
As he was illuminated by the bright,
Overbearing,
Texas sun.

My father walked me down the aisle,
But I did not wear white.
My father walked me in silence,
And I shed tears not for a man standing at the altar,
But for the one I would never see again.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And no veil obscured my face.
All eyes were upon me, but not for my pristine beauty,
Instead for my clenched jaw and furrowed brow,
Severe and fierce to distract from my glassy eyes.

My father did not leave me at the end of our walk to sit beside my mother.
She clung to me for support and sobbed breathlessly,
Loudly,
Unavoidably,
And I carried her with one hand,
My sister the other,
And walked towards my future.
A future family,
Not one person more,
But one person less.
I walked,
One final time,
With him.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And I will never forget it.
Hundreds of eyes isolating my family from the crowd,
Slow and muffled sounds drowning in the deafening beat of my heart,
Blurred faces staring,
Black heels clacking against the cobbled path from the church,
The anguished wails of my mother,
The whimpering of my sister,
And the wooden box that glided before us,
Pulling,
A string tied to our patriarch,
The pin key of our family,
Pulled taut and then snipped with the slam of the hearse doors.

My father walked me down the aisle,
Before I had a chance to grow up.
He walked me,
Out of the church,
Away from the altar,
Never to be walked again.

This Christmas Doesn't feel like Christmas
Until my eyes decorate your cheeks &
My teeth hang from your bottom lip like
Missile toe.
 

Although the weather changes & Santa
is checking his list.
I am patiently waiting for the warm fuzzy
feeling I get when I am with you.


With my arms stretched around you like Garland
There's no place I'd rather be.
My cheek pressed against yours like a bulb.
My smile stamped in white circling round
Full & bubbly, bright red.


Long as I am hanging around you,
Christmas feels like Christmas

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, substance abuse


the ceaseless agony
she endures and endures and endures....
until the burdens force her knees to give
everything weighs so heavily on her
and in her desperation
what else could a suffering mind do
but frantically seek refuge
earnestly pursuing escape....

the meds aren't enough
the pain cuts through them
so she wonders....
how many could she take?
two... three little white pills?
might it help?

she knows they'd notice the missing bottles
but she longs for a heavy intoxication
a dumb bliss
a few hours of happiness
let the pain melt away
replace it with stupor

so she considers lesser options
she could binge eat for mild pleasure
intertwined with heavy guilt
she could **** herself
oh right.... she can't because of the meds
nothing else offers her any feeling
she seeks emotionally charged art
music, poetry, shows
but it's not enough
it's never enough

so, in her desperation
when all else has failed
when the agony is unbearable
no solace in sight
she opens the drawer
in the safety of her room
uncaps her tool
sterilizes the edge
sets the metal to her skin
and drags it across
'til she drips red

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

Girls These Days ...
Are So ... Confused ... ???
  
They Seem To Be ...
In ... " Alices' Shoes " ... !?!
  
YES ... " Wonderland " ... ?!?
  
Well ....
I'll Be ... ****** ... !!!
Before I Fall .........................................
  
Into The Hands ...
of A Girl Whose Life's A ...  
  
........ " Sham" .......
  
Saying ... One Thing ...
But Doing ... Another ... ?!?

RUSHING Home ...
To Watch ... "Big Brother" ... !!!!!
  
Girls Like THESE ... !!!
Should NOT BE ... Mothers ... !!!

Because Their Child ...
Will Surely ... SUFFER ... !!!!!
  
Suffer FROM .............................
Her ... " Confusion " ... ?!?
  
Come On Girls ...
I'm ... NOT The One ... !!!!!
  
Mess With Me ...
And You'll Be ...  

... " STUNNED " ... !!!!!
  
NOT With ... Violence ...  
Or A .... " Gun " .... !!! ....
  
But With ... "THIS" ...  

Simple ... " Wisdom " ...
  
WAKEY WAKEY ... !!!
  
"Rise and shine" ...
Face The World ...
and Do What's Right ... !!!
  
DON'T Get ... "Trapped" ...  
In ..... "Your Mirage" ..... !!!!

Or ... A World ....
of ... " Tarot Cards " ...
  
See Yourself ...
For Who ... YOU ARE ... !!!
  
Don't Do Things ...
That You'll ... REGRET ... !!!
Like ... JUMPING IN ...
A ... STRANGERS Bed ... !!!!!

Make ... A STAND ...
And ... STICK TO IT ... !!!!!
  
Instead of S P R E A D I N G ...
THOSE ... WET LIPS ... !!!!!
  
DON'T ... Get VEX ... !!!
or ... Get UPSET ....
Because ... " CONFUSION " ...
RULED .... Your Head .... !?!
  
"Yeah, but you,
were making moves !!!"
  
"So were you, which goes to prove,
you were wanting me to woo !
Come on now, did I force you,
to come and sleep, in my bedroom ?"
  
"No, but now I feel abused !
We moved to fast !
I've thought it through,
and don't think that,
I'm right for you !!!"
  
"Okay, that's cool,
but, let me prove
something to you,
we kissed and stuff,
and then we hugged,
but, when I said,
we should get up
you put me in,
a tight armlock ?
Now you're saying,
you wanted to TALK ?!?
It seems you have
some things to sort
inside your mind.
Take that walk
I'll give you time,
but, don't complain
if I refrain, from letting you,
confuse my brain !
Figure out, what it is you need,
then come back, and talk to me.
Otherwise, let's both be free,
to be with, who we want to be !
But, don't be playing, games with me
My name's Big Virge, not Monopoly !"
Life to me, is not a dream
Talk is cheap, but, actions speak.
So, stop your talk, and walk the walk !"
Don't kiss me, on our first date !
and change your mind, the very next day ?"
Come on now,  give me a break !
Such confusion, breeds delusion,
and a premature conclusion !"
  
"I don't know you !!!
You don't know me !!!
You may be right ?
but let's wait and see.
Let's take some time,
the date went fine !
It's not my fault,
you crossed the line !
What can I say ?
I'm a **** guy !
Who'll give you lows,
as well as HIGHS !  
Every couple,
has their troubles !
and sometimes, yes,
fall down and stumble,
but, getting up,
is part of the fun,
and helps reduce,
our confusion"
  
"Opposites attract,
like, white and black
I suggest, you remember that !"
  
"But, firstly you,
must face the facts,
about the things,
you sometimes do,
Then I can, make love to you !"
  
Those Are Words ...
On Which To ... CHEW ...
  
Take Some Time ...
And ... Think It Through ...  
And Then ...  You Won't Be ...
  
So ....
  
...  " Confused " ... ?!?

Bite
  marks
are
   love
notes
   written
in
   flesh ...
So
   let
me
   bite
you
   hard
and
   make
you
  moan .

I named my flowers
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you are made of plastic,
Colorful and fake.

I named my onions
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you had made me weep,
Blinded by the burns.

I named my scissors
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you have torn apart
Endless hearts of paper and people.

I named my coffee
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you held my consciousness
Captive in your hands.

I named my one-night
After you,
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you took what you wanted
Then took off and never looked back.

I named my poems
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
The amount of pain that you both made me go through,
Is just how far
I've grown.