Love,
You are enough.
Don't you ever think you are not.
That boy or girl you thought you were in love with, they don't decide if you're enough.
All that matters is that you are enough for you.
You will always be enough.
You are one of kind.
You are you.
Laugh uncontrollably, dance like no one's watching, smile as big as you can.
Live life knowing you're enough.
One day at a time, each day to its fullest.
I love you and God loves you.
You're not alone .

We stand side by side
on the corner of
the road.
I watch you smoke
your cigarette-- you
**** in and blow.
It begins to rain; I
check the time on
my phone,
And I say to you,
"Matty, I want to go home."
You ask, "Why, babe? Did I
make you upset?"
I reply, "No, but I am
getting wet."
You give me a smile,
take off and hand me
your jacket.
"Matty, don't you need this?"
"Nah, baby. Have it."
So we stand side by side
at the end of the
street,
With my head on your shoulder
and your arm
around me.

My darling girl

You're not happy with yourself,
It begins to affect your mental health

My darling girl

You lose weight ******* and then your concert tees don't fit anymore

My darling girl

You say that you want to heal
But how then? If you cannot feel.

My darling girl

I have nothing left to fear
For you my dear, a silent tear.

click-clack
my ever typing keyboard
keeps my family awake.
click-clack
my words pour out.
senseless confusion of teenage years.
not yet wise, but too old to be dumb.
i'm too young to start my life, too young to have experiences,
so i write about people who live.
click-clack*
soon i'll lose motivation as my mother utters a groggy
"Lights out, sweetie."
"Okay momma. Goodnight, I love you."
a walk to the bathroom.
brush my teeth, crawl into the warm covers.
thoughts i can't fathom into words
still running rampant in my
young mind.

i love to be sad.
not because it's beautiful,
no,
cutting your skin is not beautiful.
it is ugly and messy/
i like sadness because it helps me keep
my sharp tongue in my mouth
and my lips closed tight.
don't you say things you regret when you're soaring up in the happy sky?
i do.
it is not beautiful.
but what is also ugly
is losing interest in pleasing your partner
and reading your books
and eating
and drinking
and living.
it is not beautiful.
it is a hindrance
but i love it.

Religion has always been shaky ground for me.
I believed in God
until I was 11
and he killed off my baby sister.
After that, I had no God.
When I was 13, I began to pray again
and wear that sacred cross
around my neck on a dainty chain.
When I was 15, I fell in love with you.
I stopped praying.
My cross was replaced by a silver heart pendant.
A symbol of your love.
I fell asleep waiting for a text
from you every night,
so many nights in a row that praying became so out of routine that I didn't even try it anymore.
Now, you've left.
I have no God, once more.
Faith is such a scary thing. It's like walking out onto a frozen lake without checking the thickness of the ice first.
Tragically, our ice was paper thin.
I've fallen into the deep, cold waters of heartbreak.
My heart is a block of ice now.
Amen.

december is near.
blink your eyes,
december is here.
here come the platters piled high with
sins.
is this really "the most wonderful time of the year'?
god, it all
looks
so
good.
the whispers curl around my ears.
no. no.  fat. calories. crunches. jumping jacks. calories. fat. weight.
the holidays aren't about family.
this is war.
this is about self-control.
this is about my honor.
on goes the lip gloss, the too-big dresses
so nobody notices how fat i am.
"have you lost weight?"
stop making fun of me.
"aren't you going to eat?"
i'm nauseous. lies
i already ate. lies
i'm eating later. lies
don't touch me.
don't hug me.
don't speak to me.
surrounded by sins
calories
fat
bait for their traps.
*just one bite?

hot baths, breakdowns, too close, too loud. lost, alone, confused, worthless. self-image, self-confidence, self-love. questions. "What do you want to be when you're older?" "Where are you going to college?" "How are your grades?"
How are my grades? How am I! I'm breaking down every night, crying in the shower, trashing the organized file cabinet of my mind, scouring every inch of my consciousness trying to find out who I am. Emotionally unstable. Lost. Mentally unstable. Lost.
Ask me how I am.

i am
a sinner.
my insides tainted, my sweet pink heart
is stained a dark deep brown.
my lips beg for more.
more of the sweet taste,
just a bit more of Heaven.
my brain shouts
"no!
not a single bite more of the wretched sin!"
my tongue tastes sour
my stomach lurches and up come my sins,
reflected in the concerned ripples
deep in your ocean-blue eyes.
the words sour, i retch and fall
lifeless
into your arms.