If you could just stay around me all of the time
that would be great
carry me when I'm feeling like I can't stand anymore,
hold the weight,
prop me up and shower me in confidence when I can't find any of my own
kiss my bruises
and form me into something beautiful
in your eyes I am always magnificent,
I need more of that in my life

maybe I am guilty of needing you too much
I always said I would never let my soul rely on another,
but
with you it's like breathing,
it's just too easy

Sometimes I can't put down my thoughts the way I wish I could
I feel like my head is blocking my words from escaping
Like it's too hard to express my real feelings anyway
this is normal
I begin to think my life is just so boring and uninteresting that I don't have anything to say
but I have moments where I take a deep breath and let it go slowly and think to myself
"I know I'm just depressed"
and that feeling is hopeless
and I feel helpless
I'll look at my reflection and think to myself
"What am I supposed to do?
Everyday isn't a bad day.
Even if it's not really a good one either."

when I was 18 I went to a funeral for a man I didn't know with the guy I was living with at the time
the body wasn't there
it was supposed to be a celebration of life
this man had no kids
no wife
but he had a brother and a sister left behind
his siblings both went up and made a speech about him
and as tears rolled down their faces and photos flashed behind them on the screen
I lost it
I could imagine what it would be like to be at my own siblings funeral
up at the podium trying to make jokes about their younger years
I sat in this chair trying so hard not to make any noise
choking back tears that I had no idea where they were coming from
I guess I just felt so much empathy for these people that it made me cry with them
I got up quickly and went into the bathroom and let myself cry really hard for 30 seconds and then washed my hands and wiped my eyes and went back out to sit down
everyone knew I had been crying and no one said anything to me about it except my boyfriend at the time who asked
"Why are you crying, you didn't even know him?"
I shook my head and replied
"because they're so sad. I don't know. It made me sad too."

I wonder what we would all do differently if today was our last day
or if this was our last week
our last year
what would we do to make the time worth while?
would I quit my job and see the places I've always dreamed of going to?
or spontaneously marry the man I love?
would I spend every waking second with my son and hold him a little tighter?
tell the people I love just how much they mean to me and tell old friends what a loss they were to my life?
its so easy to think of all the things you would do if you knew your time was up
so why don't we live that way everyday?
as if waking up isn't a gift and life is short and ever changing
we should do all the things that matter and be with the people we cherish and change the things we hate about life and start doing all those things we wish to go do
I'd like to think I'm going to try harder to live like I have no time left

I could cry
I'm exhausted
anxious
lonely
on edge
lately I feel like I've been walking on a mental tightrope
unbalanced and ready to slip at anytime
I keep telling myself I need more sleep
or it's just this birth control in my arm,
but I've told myself these same things since I was 14 years old
and I've slept since then
I've switched birth control since then,
I've still hurt myself since then