2018 was an extremely tough year for me. I've been through some unfathomable things in my life, but last year was by far one of the most trying.

I learned that boundaries are important and more people should practice establishing and respecting them.

I learned that ultimatums aren't love. If someone cared for you, they would be understanding in their approach to your existence.

I learned that people are going to do what they want to do regardless and the only thing you can do is be a positive force or influence that stands along side someone else in their trying time.

I learned that it is important to always strive to forgive because it relinquishes another person's control over yourself and your emotions. Forgiveness isn't for the person that hurt you, it's for your own peace of mind.

I learned that it's easier to sleep at night when I did everything I could.

I realized that it's okay to have bad days, it's okay to ask for help, I don't have to be so ******* myself, and I deserve the best because I refuse to settle for less.

Where there is a rhyme there is a reason. There is always a reason, even if we aren't aware of it yet. You can't force the truth to come to light. You can only slowly open your eyes. It is with the understanding of time that you may find deliverance.

What if I told you that...

my brother, well he's older than me
but he has a mental disability
he isn't like you and me
he learns, thinks, and acts differently
so at 23, he's a little brother to me

and growing up, a little brother he was . . .
THE MOST OBNOXIOUS THING ON THE PLANET
always taking things without asking!
THREE YEARS I NEVER GOT TO EAT MY HALLOWEEN CANDY, THREE YEARS.
and there's no telling how he found it because by that age
I had him beat in hide and go seek like no bodies business
EXCEPT THE TIME I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT OUT ALIVE
he turned the dryer on while me and my poodle, baby-girl, were still inside

but even that isn't as bad as the time
HE COMPLETELY ERASED POKEMON GOLD AFTER I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR.... man ~
I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED  until there were tears no more

and

No more did I want to watch dragon ball z, no more
No more did I want to play another card game of yu-gi-oh, no more, not after that whole debockle, no!
I didn't want to play hide and go seek and I definitely did not want to go trick-or-treat

"You're too big to receive any candy" the neighbors would say as they shut the door in his face
and as he walked back, tears in his eyes, confused in his super hero disguise as to why he got denied

It was then that I realized I was growing older and even though he could be the biggest pain in my neck, he's my brother.

so, to me it was as if I had to protect him, from then on out,
to look after and defend him,
to guard against all the rude comments and hateful tauntings
the other kids would try to impress upon him

It was then I became the rubber that stuck to his shoes, that kept his feet placed firmly upon the ground
So he would know how to stand up for himself

because it was then I watched my mother tell that lady to try again
and when she came back, in one hand, she carried a bag of candy and in the other, a bag of apologies

oh and it was then that I knew
when she wasn't around, I would be
and that it was up to me to be his rock and not to roll
in and out of his life like everyone and everything else
that out grows him

IT WAS THEN THAT I KNEW

I just had a realization. I was just as lonely then, with you, as I am now. The good days just distracted me from the time I held your gun to my mouth.

Oh the wayward motion that these celestial bodies tend to circumvent!
Do you take the time to analyze or ever wonder why?
A double edge sword, capable of discerning the heart’s intent
Might you care to venture there soon?

through crossed wires and code
yielding insight or an invite of some kind
with pictures, quotes, and anecdotes
Do you read between the lines?

Might I be the mirror that reflects your soul
Might I be the receiver of the light that guides you home
Might I be the kind of lady you’d want to pride around
Or Might I be a distant noise-- a sort of solemn sound

The way you shape your words, the thoughts you choose to speak
The many times you chose to share the inner-workings of your being
You plant a seed of hope, you give me life to breath

And even though you don’t think so, you’re quite a fantastic beast

there is no where to hide when
under pale moon light

and when rolling in the deep
there are no lies, no falsities

for you can see right through me,
and I through you

like a kitten with a spool of thread
you spark my heart evermore

with your little quirks, and comments,
your opinions, and open ended topics

oh and yet, you're a marvelously beautiful creature,
with your flawless curvatures, and features

you're darling, just darling
all the way around, inside and out

and when laying next to you,
as you run your fingers through my hair

not a single worry bothers my pretty little head,
not a single care

oh, so long as you're there...