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As I sit in the darkness,
The light from the TV screen,
I escape this body,
And reflect on life, death, whats to come and what has been.

I've come to a conclusion.
That life is just like the sea.
Every drop of water, every wave,
Is the worlds life force, including you and me.

Life can be hectic, hard to control,
Like the waves in the perfect storm.
Wild, untamed, relentless and unforgiving,
Crashing down, on rocks now worn.

Life can be easy, soft and bliss,
Like the sea on a perfect sunny day in paradise.
Easing in, washing away the imperfections of the sand,
Absolutely perfect, but no where near precise.

Life happens, it comes and goes,
Like a tide it changes, its inevitable.
It comes in and out, like lungs breathing,
Fighting this rhythm is unintelligible.

Life flows through us and the world,
Like the currents that you may not see,
Don't fight them, work with them,
Use them, and life will become a little more easy.

When you see this too, the simularity,
You'll realise all emotions are needed,
Happiness, sadness, love, hate,
With this, life is full, yet, never completed.

Go with the flow, and take advantage,
Life is relentless, yet compassionate.
You'll never control it, or keep hold of it,
Life doesn't mother you, but what it gives is adequate.

Life happens. You can only control your own actions. Whether life lifts you up, or drags you down, just take advantage of the situation. Use it. Pull others up with you, on a life raft if you will. Or learn from the mistakes when it drags you down, a riptide, you'll remember to not fight the current next time.
I started writing this at 4am, after having a brief conversation with an old school friend, both suffering with our sleep patterns during this Covid-19 pandemic. I hope you get something from this. I hope the good out weighs the bad during this moment in time we call life.
You won't see me cry.
Not even a single tear.
No tears will drop on my cheek,
No tears from me, not here.

You won't see me cry.
You won't see me be fagile,
I will throw up these barriers,
I will hide behind a fake smile.

You won't see me cry.
I won't show you I'm weak.
Broken heart, loss of a loved one,
You may think that I'm a freak.

You won't see me cry.
You will never see me cry.
These flood gates won't open,
No matter how hard I try.

You won't see me cry.
Don't take it personal please,
I just can't do it in front of people,
When I'm on my own, the tears release.

You won't see me cry.
Behind closed doors, a fly on the wall,
You would see the anger, sadness and dejection,
Only there the tears will fall.
People change.
Not necessarily a bad change, but still,
Feelings, wants and needs,
Effect the algorithm, if you will.

Suttle changes to them,
May hit ****** hard to you,
Doesn't stop them caring,
But it can still feel painful, true.

You may crave for them to go back,
Back to the way it was before,
You can try and forget too,
You might even crave them more.

Sometimes personal situations,
And their own hardships are to blame,
Your might too,
But you want them back all the same.

Sometimes its hard to question,
And ask what has changed between us,
But you don't want to fracture what you have now,
Don't want to cause a fuss.

Chemistry.
The complex emotional or psychological interaction between individuals,
Some times the results a great,
Sometimes you mess up the concoction, unintentional.
We used to talk for hours,
Through messages on our phones,
About anything and everything,
Even moans and groans.

We use to chat alot,
Catching gossip and thoughts,
About how hot or cold it was,
And I'm always wearing shorts.

I used to wake to a message,
"Good morning
Was written about a friend who we spoke pretty much everyday for months, about everything and anything. We used to check our phones constantly to see if they had replied or messaged me. But now its like a one way conversation. And its sad. Like we're falling away from each other. Like I've been replaced. Or I'm just over thinking. Probably the latter.
Now, there was this kid,
Never felt good enough,
No matter what he did.

Felt like he was a burden, a hindrance,
Always in the way,
No tears with his disappearence.

He learnt how to hide this,
Put on a smile, and hide the sadness,
They weren't theirs, only his.

He got his first chest hair,
And his first thoughts of ending,
But they wouldn't care.

He told himself everytime,
Keep on the mask,
Let them know you're fine.

He fpund and loved his first,
And she never knew,
That love was the worst.

He went in too deep,
He either loved 100% or felt nothing,
Never a step, a leap.

He learnt how to control,
With the help of doctors,
He put the darkness in a hole.

He went on to find another,
This time this love made him grow,
Not just a girlfriend, a lover.

He became a man, with a beard,
Made mistakes,
Learnt what he feared.

When she left, he knew,
He can't be alone,
Thats when the darkness grew.

Sleepless nights, and tiresome days,
The darkness crept back,
Falling into his old ways.

On top of a building site,
He looked down at his future,
He had given up the fight.

Placed his belongings on the ledge,
Stepped up,
Toes hanging off the edge.

He closed is eyes, tears down his face,
The fake smile beaming,
Release will be at the base.

He didnt fall forward like planned,
He fell backwards,
Face buried in hand.

Lets try again, step to the line,
This time he'll do it,
But he hesitated thia time.

A text. His phone flashing away.
"Where you at you *******?"
Typical thing his friend would say.

He had a surge of relief, a sigh,
A change of mind.
He still doesnt really know why.

A few months passed,
The darkness still in control.
Will this ever end he'll ask.

He looked hollow at sight,
He wore a smile, but it was clear to see,
His closest asked if he was alright.

I'm okay, he said. Everytime he lied.
He took every pill he had,
Fell on his side.

The luck he had, that awkward fall,
His body rejected his attempt,
He knew he was a fool.

Felt **** for days,
No sleep still,
Self torture in different ways.

Then something happened, a click,
He needed to live, he needed help,
He was just sick.

He made a decision,
To help others,
He had a vision.

To use his experience as a guide,
To help others in need,
To be there for them, far and wide.

The darkness lost its hold,
And he found a new love,
He felt warmth, not just the cold.

Years went by, living a happy life,
Yes he had ups and downs,
But he felt strong with her, through all their strife.

Yet, again, the darkness creeps in,
Slowly getting stronger,
On its way to win.

He is confused. Why now?
His life isnt perfect, but still,
He doesn't know why or how.

Its different. He familiar with its ways,
He still hides it well,
But you can see it in his gaze.

He knows he needs to talk.
Take action slowly and in time,
No need to run before you can walk.

He won't let it win,
He's got too much to live for,
He knows he needs to destroy the darkness within.

I know this story too well,
I know it because he is me.
This is my story to tell.

Please, if you can relate,
Talk. Let it out.
A doctor, family, a mate.

Or me. A complete stranger to you.
I'm always here,
I'm always here its true.

Just talk.
This one is a bit of a mess. I got caught up in the moment and ranted. Its a bit raw. Kinda forced at times maybe. Either way, the message stands.
I fking hate you.
You always make me see the negatives.
The half empty glass.
You bring me down when I'm in a good place.
You make me procasinate.
Festering on my fat a
.

You get inside my head.
Yet again, thats where you live.
Thats where you were born.
You left me once.
And I felt unstoppable.
I was better, I could have sworn.

Then you came back.
To show you never really left.
To try and take control again.
You make me feel so worthless.
You make me feel unloved.
You give me this excruciating, silent pain.

You will not defeat me.
I ignore the thoughts of death.
I will not do that to me.
I will not do that to my loved ones.
I will defeat you.
I will promise you. You'll see.
I'm sick of being tired,
Tired of being sick.
I create this negative atmosphere,
The air is polluting and thick.

I can't help but see the negatives,
In everything I seem to contact,
Relationships, friendships,
Its like their only here under contract.

I feel like no one wants me,
To be around, even for a chat,
"Get the f*k away from me,
You ugly, hairy, fat, tw
t"

I know its all in my head,
But reality distorts in there,
I know people love me,
And people truly care.

But the wave of darkness,
Surrounds my skull,
I'm scared I'm loosing this battle,
The void might swollow me whole.

I try to be the light,
That makes people smile,
But I'm hidden behind this light,
I've been hiding for quite a while.

The face is a broken image,
But broken on the inside,
I don't want people to see this,
Thats why I hide.

Please, if you know me,
Just talk as if we're fine,
Ignore any insecurities,
They're not yours to deal with, they're mine.
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