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We walk among hero’s every day.
And they are recognised,
But not merely enough.
They all fight on the same team,
They don’t always have the same uniforms,
But they fight for you, out of love.
They get paid sure, just about,
But it doesn’t keep them there,
It’s their compassion.

They suffer long hours, and bad pay,
Overworked, overwhelmed,
Something we need to refashion.
Yet they continue, fighting for your health,
Mending wounds, treating disease,
Doing their all, doing what they can.
They do it with a smile, a friendly face,
They do it agile, and with grace,
Yet they’re just human, not Superman.
They’re on the frontline, hands on,
They’re behind the scenes,
Each a cog, in a massive machine.
But this machine is built by living parts,
And they’re breaking more and more,
Physically, emotionally, everything in between,
Yet they carry on.
They continue to fight.
A battle never won.
Recognised and praised,
These are our heroes,
Recognised, revered, yet still unsung.
Joining a NHS Trust in a digital team, I saw the clinical teams first hand, as well as the admin and "back" staff. I wrote this on a break. Not really Proof read it.
I'm fine.
The lie I say every fking day.
The lie I say multiple times a day.
I wake up from a sleep that hasn't rested me,
And I lie. I'm fine.
When the woman I love asks if I'm okay, I lie to her.
I'm fine.
When she's breaking down due to her own issues,
I stay stong for her. Tell her it will be okay.
Possibly another lie.
I bury myself in these lies, to make sure everyone else is okay.
I'm fine.
The only reason, the ONLY ******* reason, why I haven't attempted for the 3rd time, is because I am scared of the impact of other people.
I'm fine.
I don't care what happens to me.
I care what will happen to others.
Laurens future. Her own mental health.
My Mums heart. I can't take a son away from my Mother.
My sisters big brother.
My Dads nipper.
My nephews uncle.
I'm fine.
My best friends. I couldn't forgive myself if I made the group smaller by 1.
I'm fine.
It even extends to work.
I can't let others take on the burden of doing the work I should be doing, because I ended it.
I'm not that selfish.
I'm fine.
Its the crippeling debt we're in.
How the f
k can I let the person I love put up with that on her own.
We barely live pay day to pay day.
And how can I do this to a family that hasn't even started.
I'm fine.
I am fine.
This constant feeling of something catastrophic is about to happen.
This invisible ocean I'm drowning in.
This explosion that is happening in my head, that I'm constantly holding back.
The thoughts that flitter in my head so easily.
I'm fine.
I say it with a smile.
I say it with purpose.
I say it with a heavy heart.
I'm fine.
My mouth says I'm fine.
My eyes scream for help.
I've been so good at lying, I've convinced every other communication I have.
My actions.
My words.
My mannerisms.
The jokes I flood into every conversation.
I'm fine.
I try to laugh as much as possible.
It helps convince others I'm fine.
It helps supress.
If I don't laugh, I die.
Or so it feels.
I'm fine.
This was more of a rant. A flood of thoughts.
As I sit in the darkness,
The light from the TV screen,
I escape this body,
And reflect on life, death, whats to come and what has been.

I've come to a conclusion.
That life is just like the sea.
Every drop of water, every wave,
Is the worlds life force, including you and me.

Life can be hectic, hard to control,
Like the waves in the perfect storm.
Wild, untamed, relentless and unforgiving,
Crashing down, on rocks now worn.

Life can be easy, soft and bliss,
Like the sea on a perfect sunny day in paradise.
Easing in, washing away the imperfections of the sand,
Absolutely perfect, but no where near precise.

Life happens, it comes and goes,
Like a tide it changes, its inevitable.
It comes in and out, like lungs breathing,
Fighting this rhythm is unintelligible.

Life flows through us and the world,
Like the currents that you may not see,
Don't fight them, work with them,
Use them, and life will become a little more easy.

When you see this too, the simularity,
You'll realise all emotions are needed,
Happiness, sadness, love, hate,
With this, life is full, yet, never completed.

Go with the flow, and take advantage,
Life is relentless, yet compassionate.
You'll never control it, or keep hold of it,
Life doesn't mother you, but what it gives is adequate.

Life happens. You can only control your own actions. Whether life lifts you up, or drags you down, just take advantage of the situation. Use it. Pull others up with you, on a life raft if you will. Or learn from the mistakes when it drags you down, a riptide, you'll remember to not fight the current next time.
I started writing this at 4am, after having a brief conversation with an old school friend, both suffering with our sleep patterns during this Covid-19 pandemic. I hope you get something from this. I hope the good out weighs the bad during this moment in time we call life.
You won't see me cry.
Not even a single tear.
No tears will drop on my cheek,
No tears from me, not here.

You won't see me cry.
You won't see me be fagile,
I will throw up these barriers,
I will hide behind a fake smile.

You won't see me cry.
I won't show you I'm weak.
Broken heart, loss of a loved one,
You may think that I'm a freak.

You won't see me cry.
You will never see me cry.
These flood gates won't open,
No matter how hard I try.

You won't see me cry.
Don't take it personal please,
I just can't do it in front of people,
When I'm on my own, the tears release.

You won't see me cry.
Behind closed doors, a fly on the wall,
You would see the anger, sadness and dejection,
Only there the tears will fall.
People change.
Not necessarily a bad change, but still,
Feelings, wants and needs,
Effect the algorithm, if you will.

Suttle changes to them,
May hit ****** hard to you,
Doesn't stop them caring,
But it can still feel painful, true.

You may crave for them to go back,
Back to the way it was before,
You can try and forget too,
You might even crave them more.

Sometimes personal situations,
And their own hardships are to blame,
Your might too,
But you want them back all the same.

Sometimes its hard to question,
And ask what has changed between us,
But you don't want to fracture what you have now,
Don't want to cause a fuss.

The complex emotional or psychological interaction between individuals,
Some times the results a great,
Sometimes you mess up the concoction, unintentional.
We used to talk for hours,
Through messages on our phones,
About anything and everything,
Even moans and groans.

We use to chat alot,
Catching gossip and thoughts,
About how hot or cold it was,
And I'm always wearing shorts.

I used to wake to a message,
"Good morning
Was written about a friend who we spoke pretty much everyday for months, about everything and anything. We used to check our phones constantly to see if they had replied or messaged me. But now its like a one way conversation. And its sad. Like we're falling away from each other. Like I've been replaced. Or I'm just over thinking. Probably the latter.
Now, there was this kid,
Never felt good enough,
No matter what he did.

Felt like he was a burden, a hindrance,
Always in the way,
No tears with his disappearence.

He learnt how to hide this,
Put on a smile, and hide the sadness,
They weren't theirs, only his.

He got his first chest hair,
And his first thoughts of ending,
But they wouldn't care.

He told himself everytime,
Keep on the mask,
Let them know you're fine.

He fpund and loved his first,
And she never knew,
That love was the worst.

He went in too deep,
He either loved 100% or felt nothing,
Never a step, a leap.

He learnt how to control,
With the help of doctors,
He put the darkness in a hole.

He went on to find another,
This time this love made him grow,
Not just a girlfriend, a lover.

He became a man, with a beard,
Made mistakes,
Learnt what he feared.

When she left, he knew,
He can't be alone,
Thats when the darkness grew.

Sleepless nights, and tiresome days,
The darkness crept back,
Falling into his old ways.

On top of a building site,
He looked down at his future,
He had given up the fight.

Placed his belongings on the ledge,
Stepped up,
Toes hanging off the edge.

He closed is eyes, tears down his face,
The fake smile beaming,
Release will be at the base.

He didnt fall forward like planned,
He fell backwards,
Face buried in hand.

Lets try again, step to the line,
This time he'll do it,
But he hesitated thia time.

A text. His phone flashing away.
"Where you at you *******?"
Typical thing his friend would say.

He had a surge of relief, a sigh,
A change of mind.
He still doesnt really know why.

A few months passed,
The darkness still in control.
Will this ever end he'll ask.

He looked hollow at sight,
He wore a smile, but it was clear to see,
His closest asked if he was alright.

I'm okay, he said. Everytime he lied.
He took every pill he had,
Fell on his side.

The luck he had, that awkward fall,
His body rejected his attempt,
He knew he was a fool.

Felt **** for days,
No sleep still,
Self torture in different ways.

Then something happened, a click,
He needed to live, he needed help,
He was just sick.

He made a decision,
To help others,
He had a vision.

To use his experience as a guide,
To help others in need,
To be there for them, far and wide.

The darkness lost its hold,
And he found a new love,
He felt warmth, not just the cold.

Years went by, living a happy life,
Yes he had ups and downs,
But he felt strong with her, through all their strife.

Yet, again, the darkness creeps in,
Slowly getting stronger,
On its way to win.

He is confused. Why now?
His life isnt perfect, but still,
He doesn't know why or how.

Its different. He familiar with its ways,
He still hides it well,
But you can see it in his gaze.

He knows he needs to talk.
Take action slowly and in time,
No need to run before you can walk.

He won't let it win,
He's got too much to live for,
He knows he needs to destroy the darkness within.

I know this story too well,
I know it because he is me.
This is my story to tell.

Please, if you can relate,
Talk. Let it out.
A doctor, family, a mate.

Or me. A complete stranger to you.
I'm always here,
I'm always here its true.

Just talk.
This one is a bit of a mess. I got caught up in the moment and ranted. Its a bit raw. Kinda forced at times maybe. Either way, the message stands.
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