Can someone finally come and save me from this tower?

I have a fear of heights and don't dare to go down alone.

I'm not mad, I have already forgiven you.
You broke my heart multiply times, not just my heart, but also me, you broke me whole.
You were toxic, you were the most toxic person I have ever knew.
But still, you were the best one I ever had.
Even though most of the time I felt unloved and not good enough,
Even though a lot of times I was happy when you were not around.
You were still the best.
You taught me to get out of toxic situations and relationships.
You taught me my worth, you taught me to stand up and say " I deserve better".
You taught me that just like love, even heartbreak doesn't last.
You taught me how to heal.
Even though I am not fully healed yet from you, I will.
For a time, I hated you, for how you treated me and for breaking me and for making me feel the worse ways someone could feel.
I hated you for when you told me that your biggest regret was dating me.
Those words still pierce through my heart like a knife.

But I want you to know that,

I want you to be happy wherever you are.

After a storm comes a rainbow they say
But the storm ripped the roof off my house
The storm drowned my entire family
The storm left me with nothing
So now
The rainbow doesn't mean that much

You gave me hope, hope that I could be loved.
Ever since I met you, every time I woke up I knew it would be a good day because I would see you.
Even when I had to wake up so early that even the sun was not up yet, even when I was so tired that I wanted to stay in bed, and even when I woke up sad, as soon as I saw you, my day was complete.
On the days I woke up sad, my sad morning turned into smiles by just looking at you.
Working was heavy, it was not easy, it was boring, and I thought I would never have a friend, I thought I would always sit alone outside during breaks smoking a cigarette alone in the cold.
But then you started working there too, and I wasn't alone anymore, I had a friend and work was fun, I wanted to go to work just to see you.
I was happy at my work, because you were there.
And I started growing feelings for you, and I thought, maybe, very maybe, you would have feelings for me too.
How dumb was I?
You told me how beautiful the new colleague is and at that moment, my heart dropped.
All the hope I had was gone, it all went to dust and blew away with the wind.
Every sign you gave me, was not love or like, it was friendship.
And I started thinking and thinking, and I thought to myself "If you can't love the person you see in front of you, how can you ever love the real me? How can anyone ever love the real me?"
I wanted to be mad at you, I wanted to ignore you and give you bad looks.
But I can't be mad at you, I can't blame you for not loving me.
I can't.
I know deep inside that if you knew it would hurt me, you would not have said it.
I know you wouldn't want to hurt me.
But what more can I do?
How do I have to be so you would love me?
Maybe, I was just not made to be loved.
No, not maybe, I'm sure about it.
I will lay down my feelings and I will give up this fight.
Because I can't make you love me.

I am broken,
failed and tired.
How much time do
I have to do on this forgotten planet?

Keep everyone out, dig in and be quiet.  Don't bother anyone, do what everyone wants.  That's how you grow, that's how you learn.  This way you are safe and remain unharmed.  Don't show anyone your weakness, your fear, your sadness.  This way no one can touch you, no one will see it.  But somewhere there is someone who cares about you so much, who recognizes everything and experiences it with you.  At a distance, in silence, with tears and pain.  But who wants nothing more than to be with you.  To share in uncertainty, fear and sadness.  You are also having a hard time, and I am the one who sees it...

Leave me alone
I was alone anyway
I have no one,
everything is meaningless

Everything will be fine.
Maybe not now or tomorrow.
But someday everything will be fine.

Smiles turned into tears and
my quiet days turned into me fighting to survive.
Tears in my eyes tell me it's no longer going well.
The emptiness around me weighs heavily on my chest.
The silence is deafening, I crawl under my blanket.
Everything is fine here, I am safe here.

It is as if the days are getting longer
and the sky is getting grayer.
I fall deeper and everyone watches in silence.

You are no longer by my side.
What should I do?
I'm dying inside because I'm longing to hold you.
If I wait, if I wait until the next season, will you be back?
What should I do?
There is no way for us to meet again, you are out of this world.
I'm breaking down.
What should I do?
I don't think I can ever smile again, never again.
But I'm happy with you in my dreams.
What should I do?
I'm wandering around all alone.
What should I do?
I can't get over you.

When is it my turn to be happy?

But you know what it is.
I've always done it myself.
So why would I want help.

If I don't make you happy, I want you to go.
If you don't get the greatest sense of relief when my name appears on your screen, then I want you to go.
If arguing with me and thinking about the chance of losing me doesn't take your breath away then I want you to go.
If there is even the slightest doubt that I am the one for you
(even if only in this moment of your life), then I want you to go.
If you wake up and see that I tried to call you because you ignored
me the night before and you don't feel like a stupid idiot, I want you to go.
If I take too much of your time and you don't think you're doing the things you want to do, I want you to go.
If the idea of ​​my skin touching someone else and my voice whispering someone else's name doesn't make you bite your teeth and fill you with anger, I want you to go.
If you've said sorry so many times that even your subconscious mind already realizes it, I want you to go.
If the only time you say you love me is when I'm either not wearing clothes or telling you I never want to see you again, then I want you to go.
If you can look me in the eye and tell me you didn't kiss her, I want you to go.
If you are able to keep me up all night waiting for you while you go somewhere else to do something that you know will make me feel bad, then I want you to go as soon as possible.
-and if you don't love me enough to go, I totally understand that.

It has stopped raining,
but it keeps raining "what if"
in the chaos that is going on in my head.
Unfortunately I have lost my raincoat,
and my umbrella?
I lost it somewhere.
A facade of a building could be a solution,
but how do you find a building in endless darkness
without a little bit of light?

He carries planets on his shoulders and
is silent about the cracking of his bones.
It's the emptiness that's the heaviest.

And hearts also get tired, just like people do
And mine was exhausted

And on my darkest days
you told me that you were going to buy detergent
because it was on sale.
I then realized that the world just keeps on turning.

My neck was just tied by a chain at a game I won at.
Loosen it and take it off, idiot I will not fail.

What if one bad day turns into two bad days

And two bad days become seven bad days

One week becomes a month and before you know it you are a year further, although every day seems to last forever

What if the words 'it gets better' no longer have any value

What if fighting for something that never seems to come is no longer possible

What if it gets better but I have already given up

What if I go on but it never gets better

I just need someone who says how long it will take

Or someone who says when I can stop

I will show you how much I have changed
I will show you how I have even more beauty
I will show you a way completely different me
I will show you how much happier I am without you
I will show you I'm fine without you here
If I ever get to meet you again, I will happily just walk away
I won't cry over you, who left me for someone else
I won't break down because you left
I won't love you like before
Too bad you didn't know

The feeling of not being able to.
The feeling of being too tired.
The feeling of feeling nothing anymore.
The feeling inside me, the that manages me.
The feeling that stops me.

I do have a heart, it's here.
It's just broken, ripped, stood on and left in the rain.
And I feel it beating,
it just doesn't work anymore like it used to.