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Joshua Phelps Sep 2020
One year since your passing,
I didn't know I still wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Unlike the other lives lost in years past,
Yours cut me deeper than the rest.

Like watching an older version of myself,
Carry out a wish I could never fully attempt,
It left me mortified, scared I may follow in your footsteps.

Months later, dreams came and went.
I'd often wake up, wondering why I'd envision myself
Jumping off the Eads Bridge.

I never thought I'd be having these thoughts again.

They say history repeats itself.
But I promise you: I won't repeat the same mistakes.
I won't become a part of the past.
My brother took his life on Sept. 8, 2019, two days before World Suicide Prevention Day. The title "Suicide September" is a cryptic reminder of the month my brother took his life and the year that followed the moment I realized I'm still not okay.

But I will be.
Joshua Phelps Aug 2020
The months fly by,
And my heart longs
for your touch again

Something as basic
As human interaction,
Now gone right before our eyes.

Hindered by a pandemic
We try our best
To keep each other safe
and to keep each other alive.

It's like our life is playing by like
A movie on the screen.

Separated by choice,
Out of necessity,
We fight to stay alive,
In a world taken over by the virus.

The pain cuts through every day,
And I fight hard to rise above the waters.

It's getting harder to stay away from you.

My heart still longs for you after all this time.
And I miss you terribly.

I understand we must stay apart for now,
But I don't know how long I can last.

My emotions are like a sinking ship.
I'm fighting to stay afloat.

Without you, I'm doing the best I can,
To keep me from drowning in this sea of despair.
When the coronavirus pandemic made rounds around the U.S. earlier this year, my friend I decided it was best we stay apart to protect ourselves. He's high-risk, and I'm at moderate risk.

We were very close, and last year, it was on a somewhat intimate level before we decided it was best to remain friends.

I miss him so much.
Joshua Phelps Jul 2020
Devastated by personal and political turmoil
The world, now in month seven of an outbreak,
Face tensions that have increased almost tenfold,
Since the virus took over.

Riddled with anxiety and uncertainty,
The people of the world watch in fear,
As the numbers climb, and people they love
Pass away from an illness
That took many innocent lives this year.

Feeling trapped,
Ensnared in the confines of their homes,
They're left to their own devices, viewing articles,
About a virus that scientists have yet to eradicate

Riddled with fear and doubt,
The people of the world wonder:
When will the world return to normal again?
Instead of posting links of how I've begun to lost hope, I tried to write this in a general perspective of how we're all feeling during the coronavirus pandemic. In the U.S., poor governmental response has left many without hope.

I hope something changes and a light shines our way to see out of this darkness that enshrouds us.
Joshua Phelps Jun 2020
Just when I think I left the past behind,
My demons finally caught up to me.

Self-destructive tendencies,
Manic, mental, inability
To overcome this disease that plagues me.

It's cyclical,
It's haunting,
And it's exhausting.

I want to feel whole again.
I want to be happy.
I want to feel okay again.

I don't want to head down this road once more.

It seems I'm following a self-fulfilling prophecy,
Because all I seem to do is crave a substance,
That I know will only bring temporary happiness.

Dear Diary, I'm here to say,
I'm back once again, my thoughts in disarray.

I promise I'm trying.

I'm trying to overcome this years-long battle.

Dear Diary, I have to be honest with myself,
And honest with others,
Otherwise, what's to say I am trying to get better?

This writing is a testament, a statement,
A promise.

Dear Diary, this will be my last letter.
I've had enough.
Joshua Phelps Jun 2020
We all have goals,
We all strive to obtain them

We try our best to stick to the path,
And avoid obstacles at all costs.

But we realize that life isn't always a straight line.

Sometimes it hands us a curveball,
And our direction veers off course.

Once again, we're back at where we started.
And that's okay.

It may not be what we wanted,
And it may not be what we asked for
But we make the best of what we've got.
And try, try again

In these uncertain times,
Self-reflection isn't unheard of;
It's almost like a great pause.

With the world around us slowing to a crawl,
The stress and anxiety are getting to us all.
We find that brief moment of clarity,
A revelation that, maybe, we're not lost after all.
In the wake of the coronavirus pandemic, I realize that I'm not the only one going through a major shift in life right now. We're all going through this. We will get through this.
Joshua Phelps Feb 2020
As the seconds turn to minutes,
The minutes into hours.
I move along the fibers of time,
Hoping I'll make it through the day.

As the days pass by,
It's getting harder to
Convince me
That I'm okay.

I tell myself:
It's only temporary.

But this sinking feeling
Comes in like a tidal wave,
Crashing over me.

Some days I feel
I can conquer the world,
Other days I feel
I'm not good enough.

Sometimes I feel I'm not fit for this life.

Everybody makes mistakes
but all I do is ***** it up.

Just when I think I'm okay,
There's a constant reminder
I'm living under a guise.

I'm not happy.
And I'm not okay.

I crash under the stress
And crawl back in my mental cave.

I feel like I'll never be good enough.

I feel like I'll never succeed.

I hope one day I can break free,
Of this mental torture consuming me.
Inspired by the ballad version of "The Drug in Me is You" by Falling in Reverse. I have to stop listening to sad songs. It really messes with my emotions. However, in this case, I had to write my thoughts down.

I'm going through life, adjusting to new jobs, and adjusting to that work-school-life balance. It's bringing back old memories – and I have this constant fear of failure.

Everyone isn't perfect and I'm no exception. But sometimes I feel like I **** up more than everybody else.
Joshua Phelps Feb 2020
Welcome to the home of the free,
The land of the divided

Welcome to a land filled with greed,
The one-percent who have the need
To silence dissent, keep those below them
Complacent in a system that favors money
Over ethics and honesty

Welcome to a nation full of deceit,
Land of misinformation and misery.

Welcome to a nation where the wheels
spin propaganda for a leader.

Welcome to a nation where a leader  
Forgoes democracy and takes a page
From a communist and dictator,
Crowning himself King of the ages.

Who needs dignity when you've got vanity?
Who needs honesty when you're a liar?

Welcome to a nation where truth doesn't matter
Welcome to a country on fire.

Divided, we stand, divided we fall.

America the Beautiful, America the tall.

Who will be there to save us all?
Inspired by Sixx: A.M.'s "Barbarians." What a strange timeline we live in these days.
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