Block and mortar loom overhead: taunting me from heights i have not reached
I trace there, small cracks in weather-worn stone
yet sturdy and dependable, beautiful even as my fingers ****** under your touch
and, i fit.
I cling and cower in the face of your shadow,
as my fingerprints mar the path i have chosen
oh, dear wall
I wish you would care for my fate
hold me and acknowledge my efforts, most sincere.
I am small, ******, nearly-breaking
wind whipped cheeks, blotchy, tear-streaked
protect me, keep me safe as i admire you for what you are.
Yet there you remain, indifferent to my desire
breathtaking even while you crumble where i struggle to grasp.

I am slipping.
I am falling.
Can I pretend that I am flying?

What an odd thing it is to be
somehow both a child and grown
yet never being either; or anything else.
Working all day, to accomplish my not-dreams
heavy-a-burden wrapped in my name

My mother tells me about "the real world"
and how I will never survive
The past dismissed as a childhood game
of tall tales, heartbreak, and mere make-believe.

I am lost in what that little girl would think
of the woman, I apparently will never come to be.
Her blue eyes, blond hair, three left feet,
chubby hands, toothy smiles, and head of daydreams.

Would she be proud of the strength I've shown?
Disappointed to learn that it was required?
Mourn for my once-future and how it is now out of reach?
Or cheer with sticky hands for the surprises, now received?

Once more, to start with, or even yet again
Will I be asked these impossible things?
At what point do I learn whatever lesson
gives the answer I am enslaved by?

And is the lesson even worth it?
Does it ever even matter?
If the exchange for my growth
is a disdainful reminder
of how little I know

In Japanese, there is a concept of "Ma"
the silence in between claps,
the moment that separates lightning from thunder
its a pause with a purpose
silent for a reason
a moment to break away from chaos

you exist in the moments between big events
a text, a hug, a "you'll be okay"
always there, never far, but never pushing
gentle in the way you ease fears,
yet never fearing to show your love

you exist in the smell of old paint and inks
books worn with love and late-night tears
old lady sweaters that you make look stylish
and cat pictures I can show my boss

you adapt like the tide
push and pull and everything in between
carrying people with you, so gently
a soothing balm for the tired soul

songbirds have nothing on you.

The sick cells of my stomach
Weigh over me like a coffin
I am aware of their existence
But not of their decisions
Will they grow? And change?
Or will they stay? Remain as the same?.

I laugh with my friends,
About my free trial of death
How my lease on life might be ended
Before it really even began

Of course that may never happen,
Which is even funnier you see
This knot in my stomach grows bigger
Even as it never changes

The fear I feel is palpable
And that coffin seems to lower
The weight of it is in my heart
And I wonder if I’m inside

The old man turned back to give one last smile
And he raised his mug in a greeting stopping in the aisle
And I remember the days when I first met him
Learning to have that yellow cup filled to the lid

He throws back the last “sweetheart” he will probably ever call me
And I tell him to “drive safe”, “be careful”, and a sad “see you maybe”
The way his eyes lit up when I told him that I was finally
Moving onto bigger and better things

Three years, three jobs, two cities, two names
And every ‘by chance’ meeting punctuated with a wave
And the old man says he knows “ill be great”
And I smile bitterly as we go our separate ways

Roger, you give me hope.
In our small interactions
That things will be ok
Because even when things change
Some people always stay the same

Coffee.
eight cream, no sugar
Hi sweetheart, it's been a while

A foreign city at twilight
Neon stars and hidden alleys
A maze just waiting to be explored
Adventure beckoning you forth

Late night calls on discord
Video games and cute dogs
And the ever growing mass
Of the midnight sky outside

Purple dice and red roses
And the hope of a new day
New sights, new dreams
New you, new me

A dancing step forward
With no glance behind
A reminder for the spontaneity
And the freedom of the Now

Journeys wouldn’t exist without you with us

you are deliberate in your sunshine
and balmy summer days
a warmth that will never
and should never be replaced

you are yellow flowers after a storm
sand before waves
music on road trips
a promise of reprise

upbeat moments that carry me through
the steepest of falls
a reminder to be grateful for little things
to share my love with all

your smile could thaw
the most frozen of hearts
a welcome respite on dreary dark days
thank you for all that you are

sunrise would be nothing without you here

One day I hope to put these feelings down in writing
To find a way to simplify the way these carry me
The smell of worn leather and pine trees in December
A cold wind and a creek half frozen
The line of trees that separate my house from the wilderness
And how some days I wish I could disappear in there with you

We would hunt and forage
forge a path of our own
Play an out of tune guitar around a smoldering fire
We would live in the trees and hide in the grass
You would braid my hair and we would dance barefoot in a clearing
To the sound of cicadas and leaves underfoot

I love, I miss, I want you.
I hope for you.
More than I will ever be able to tell you.

Someone else’s immortality is the heaviest thing to carry
When you left, I realized I would take you with me forever
A weight on my shoulders and a hand in my own
Barely there but never fading

I carry you in the way I see your silly habits
Chewed up nails, toe tapping, off key whistling
When I hear 90s rock on my messed up car radio
I hold you close when I see women with bruises
Wishing, forever begging
that I could have saved you
I reach for you when it’s three am and I dream about our sleepovers
I miss your tired eyes, the coffee you kept in your cup

I carry you in three little rings, along with everyone else
A shirt you gave me and jeans I stole
A necklace you handed me, always on display
I miss you in the static of the phone call when I told you I loved you
I miss you when I smell the ink of the letter you gave me years before you left
The only proof I have that you loved me too

The weight of your immortality is the heaviest thing I’ve carried

Knowing every day you are lost, as I am without you
Begging and wishing with all my heart that you are safe
Your immortality, will be my burden to bear.
Knowing every day you are no longer the person I grew up with.

I will carry the memory of you forever.  

I will grow older,
I will marry and have children and accomplish my life’s goals
And you will forever be stuck 18
Cheap hair dye, battered sneakers, and your dads old car
You are immortal in me, never changing even as you do
And it kills me to think how wrong I might be

Your immortality is the heaviest task I’ve had.
Yet I carry on;
Committing you to memory
What an honor it is to carry you

Old friend, where are you?
When did you leave?
I miss you

Goodnight stars up in the sky

There you sleep, held so high

Every time you reappear

I whisper words, most sincere;

”I wonder what you’ve seen and know,

You do not die, and do not go.”

From upon your lofty throne,

The sights you must have come to known.

You’ve met my mother, sister, friend,

You’ve met us all, in the end.

Goodnight stars, up in the sky.

Dear stars, please reply.

Good morning, little cat!
With your slow blinking eyes,
And your hairy old man ears,
And your bread baking paws.

Good morning, coffee ***!
With your green little light
And the steady drip, drip, drip
And that perfect smell you greet me with.

Good morning, green leafed plant!
I’m glad you’re looking well,
With your perfect white ***,
And the earth you live in.

Good morning, neighborhood!
Though I’ll never meet you all,
You’re my small corner of the world,
And I love it here so much.

Second chances exist in the smell of pine needles on a winter day
A walk as the day wakes, bleary eyed and yawning
As dawn breaks to show sunlight over the steepest cliff
The wind in my hair even after I swore I’d shave it off

It exists in the Avett brother songs
Words I learned from someone I used to hate
Melodies that help me heal even now
While the record spins by my bed and I feel like like I’m just now breathing for the first time
The birds chirp to their tune and I can’t help but sigh deep,
in and out

Second chances exist in these moments I’ve crafted
The smell of a candle from a friend long ago
A necklace someone once thought I’d hate
On the dresser my mother built for me
Books I shared with the girl I grew up with
Pages I prayed she’d hold dear even when we parted
A well loved shirt and a hope for my future

Of coffee and cold mornings with you by my side
As we dance to no song, in time
Step, and swing.
You in my arms and your love in my heart.
Onward, towards nothing in particular.

Six years since I met you
2,269 days since we first spoke
3,267,360 minutes have passed since that conversation in a new city
When I asked you what your name was
When you gave me that first piece of your heart

Six years since you told me you loved me
2,194 days since that midnight conversation
3,159,360 minutes have passed since I confessed the same under new stars
When I was two thousand miles from you, but I felt like I would never be alone again

Three years have passed without you in my life
1,576,800 minutes since I saw your blue eyes looking at mine
When I had hope that we could fix things
That I could be enough for you to love me again

Six days since we last spoke
8,640 minutes that I’ve been thinking about the
83 words we shared

And how I wish
That for one second
I would stop missing you

You told me I could never have the sky

It was not mine to take
Only there to be gazed upon but forever out of reach

Looking back and up right now i stretch out my hand
To touch the stars you gave to me
And love these ones instead

You clipped my wings and when I mourn somehow
It will forever be for you.
You have never known pure fascination
And for that I pity you

Better to have loved and lost
Than never flown at all.

The sky never used to interest me
Too open, large, and unknown
But something changed deep inside
When I met a boy with
Sky
Blue eyes
I longed to prove my worth
I threw myself out headfirst to show what I could be
Three years later I’m bruised and battered
But here I am in my bed, longing for the stars.
What once terrified me now brings me comfort
Because I know I will survive.