Love scares me.
I like the type of things that are concrete,
like the ocean.
Something you could point to
and know what it was.

But you can’t touch love.
You can’t hold onto it
and make sure it never changes.

standing there
watching you talk
the words dripping from your mouth
like water from a broken faucet
i wait in earnest for you to say my name
hope fills my heart
every time you look me in the eyes
but you always look away
and you never say my name
and it isn't until later
when i'm all alone in my room
sitting on my bed
silence wrapping me up like a blanket
that i look to my mirror
and look my reflection in the eyes
and i remember
that i can say my own name
and i've always said it better
anyway

Hello you,
That girl I see in the mirror.
You are much too ******* yourself.
Don't you see how precious you are?
Why do you keep hurting yourself so much.
I know you're in an immense amount of pain.
But you didn't cause all this.
I repeat...
You did NOT cause this.
Please stop blaming yourself.
You did not ask to be sexually abused, not with your body, not with your smile & not with your lack of words.
A child doesn't hold responsibility for an adults actions.
Your silence makes sense, you were scared & confused.
If he's done this to others it's not your fault.
Do you hear me? Not your fault.
Stop carrying around all this shame that isn't yours to carry.
No wonder your heart feels so heavy.
I know you stared straight at me and said you give up, that you no longer will allow another human being into your heart.
You don't mean that. You are hurting.
There are safe people out in the world.
And I want you to know that even when you can't look at the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark until you are ready to come out.
Just don't give up.
Brighter days are coming.
Allow others to hold hope for you when you've run dry of your own hope.
The truth eventually will set you free.
It will.

I drink pink grapefruit flavored drinks
my face smells like the citrus
when I lose things and people
I change my hair
it helps me cope with the idea that I can never finish a stick of lip balm and most of the people I've known only yield disappointment
no one is at fault here
but the blame is usually pushed into my intestines
and I spend five days throwing up
I used to be afraid that I would never see the entire world
now I'm afraid I'll never spend enough time in a place I can call home
every morning the smell of grapefruit grows stronger