my eyes
they are starting to get
drowsy

my mouth
it's starting to create  
a deep inhaling
of exhaustion

my body
starts to ache
as I lack
the sleep I think I deserve

if beauty sleep means anything
then I must be really ugly

as I sit on my porch
drinking the cup of coffee
in my favorite black cup,
all I can do is be reminded of you
and think about how
I want you
to be able to sit by my side when
something so  beautiful
just like you
appears in the sky
and I want you by my side
but you're 200 miles away
and that makes me cry
but maybe before I die
we can sit on the beach
with coffee
and watch the sunrise.

will I say the right thing?
or am I ******* it all up?
am I going to
be a ******* mess?
or will I be put together?
why am I worrying
about words
that haven't even had a chance
to come out of my mouth yet?

numbers are rising and lowering
im watching my life slip away
anxiety building up
so high where there is no way
to get down
and I am scared to come back down
my blood pressure
is sky high
and my oxygen level
is ground low
im ******* dying
and you don't even know.
-H.M.

Help!
I've fallen and
I metaphorically can't get up
I've fallen in love
and I'm stuck on the ground

and no one is around
to pick me back up
or to give me the boost
that I desperately need

I've fallen for a guy that I can't have
I am not his type
and he's everything
that I want in a guy

I'm stuck
on the ground
waiting for the day
that someone picks me up again
and makes me feel worth it

I'm tired of going
down the same path
with every guy out there

you promised it wasn't wrong
you told me that it wasn't a bad thing
"it's only a game" you said.
after we played the "game"
it was the 3 year olds fault
you told me I was forced to keep playing
or I'd get taken to jail
you told me it was a fun game
no one would get hurt
you told me to not wear my pjs
we both couldn't wear clothes
you told me it was just the rules of the game
you put your hand on my bare skin
told me I was beautiful
but we could never tell
it was only a game for 2 players
no room for anyone else
and you started to get further
you said now touch me
I hesitated
and you were so forceful
you said
if I were to tell anyone you'd have to **** me
you threatened your own 3 year olds life
because you didn't want to get arrested
you know its ******* illegal to mess with children you **** head
*******
******* for all the pain you caused me
you ******* messed with my head
but you didn't ******* care at all
you thought it was okay
because it was relieving your "needs"

10 months and 25 days passed
or
35 days away
till it marks the day
that I finally realized
my life needs to stop involing  
a blade trembling my skin

its a day that
I refused to get hurt
by a boy
who was my everything.
but was causing
the blade across my skin.

blades
the pain it caused
emotionally and physically
I was addicted
I craved a little more
everytime
the wound started to heal

boy
the hurt it did
became a way I thought
of myself
and I didn't want to loose myself
as I was loosing every
addition to my life

10 months and 25 days later
im free
from the boy
that caused the pain I liked
im free from the medal
that I craved
everytime I ****** up
and life has never been better

to the people
that want me
dead tonight,
what if your
words were
just enough
to push me over
my standing point?

late night
droopy eyes
4 more hours in our car ride

my best friend is passed out
in the passenger seat

flashing lights
weary eyes
I'm so tired

of the horrible lies
that have been fed to my mind

I'm surrounded by emptiness
nothing to wow me

I hate the life
that surrounds me

life could be be better I admit
but if life becomes too good
would I still be where I sit

I don't want change
I hate it
can everything stay the same?

life is a drag
I don't want to be here
my mom makes me go to counciling
but takes me out 30 minutes early
I nearly killed myself last week
mom says its just for the attention I think I need
well mom all these voices in my head keep me company
the voices tell me to stay in bed because this is the life of a party
mom says why don't you go get real friends to bring to a party
mom can't you see I'm stuck in such a self destructive loop and I'm so sorry

I physiologically don't believe in suicide
I don't believe that it help solves any problems that are going on,
but I'm not saying you're stupid to feel suicidal.
the terms suicide and suicidal are defined two major different ways.
suicide can be defined as the act of killing yourself
but suicidal is thoughts of killing yourself.
thinking and doing is majorly different, because if you're committing suicide or committing suicidal thoughts you are doing to major different things
but I am suicidal

If you're wondering who the dumb blonde is, it's me.
I'm the blondest,
and the dumbest.
And when it comes to love,  I get the most hurt.
Not only am i really hurt
I'm really missing you
I hope the thought of me is not killing you
I really regret loosing you
I bet the thought of me in pain is soothing you.
Missing you has turned into wishing for you
wishing for you has turned into reaching out  to you
and all I get is rejection which aches that part in my heart
because i really wish that I could have you in my arms
but all I'm left with is memories
because that is the result of feeling broken hearted when you're a dumb blonde.

waking up
from the night
that I wanted to die
just makes me want to cry
because I hate my life

I love the taste of plain coffee
as I sip I can feel energy kick in

I love sitting in my white rocking chair
listening to the birds start their day

I see the ants running
and the ideas in their head flowing

I have mad respect for wild animals
it's every man for itself

I love staring off at the trees
and every day I still try to count all the leaves

insects are so cool
because they survive on their own

who do you know
that can use team work correctly?

the sun rising is my favorite
how cool is it to see what brightens our day rise from sleep

what's even better is as the sun is rising the sky is painting crazy beautiful colors

I feel the mosquitos flying, and biting me
but really shoo fly don't bother me

I hear cars starting and I suddenly am
thankful for everyone getting to work for my Sunday festivities

it's only 6:23
I'm already on my second cup of coffee

ideas are flowing
energy is starting

I flowed these words as I finished my second cup of coffee

Eighteen years of life
spent loving and hating everything.
As a toddler, the only worry in her head
was what she was going to dress up as
during her day.
She loved princesses and her mom.
She hated the way her mom and dad argued
and was terrified of alone time with her dad.
As a pre-teen, she worried about her friends.
She loved every single one of her best friends
more than she really knew.  
She hated the way  her mom worked all the time
just to make sure they were taken care of.
An attitude develops from being around her besties
and her mom hates it.
Rolling into teen years, worrying about everything felt appropriate.
She loved traveling and having fun.
She hated that she realized she was the 'ugly duckling' sibling.
Never good enough, there is always something wrong with the ugly duckling.
Depression, it took the best of the duckling that was convinced she was ugly.

the day my mind takes over my body
is the day i will shut down completely

the day my thoughts take over my actions
is the day that I won't function correctly

the day my pain takes over me
is the day i will be put in my resting place

the day the words don't flow
is the day i will be forced to not have happiness

it seems so weird for me
having symptoms of all of the things
that would happen one day
I think I'm dying and
I've come okay with that.

Selfishness: the quality or condition of being selfish
I've never found a definition
that described me so perfectly

I spend my life
talking about everything I hate
and spreading around negative weight
not even knowing why I wake

and every time I feel just an ounce of selfishness
reality takes it toll on me
and hurts a loved one

why do bad things happen to good people
she's only 24 and is diagnosed
with 4 different cancers
but still manages to find
that reason to smile through the pain

Life has its ways to teach me lessons
but some lessons are more harsh
than others


Selfishness: the quality or condition of being selfish
I've never found a definition
that described me so perfectly

I want to formally say sorry
to everyone who was ever in need
of a life

because I acted like
the life inside of me
was just another branch on a tree

dad
such a emotion filled word for me
I never had one
all he was to my family was a ***** donor
and definitely not a care giver
if he gave us anything
it was tramatic memories
up until 2 years ago,
I thought everything my dad did to me was my fault
and I just wanted to **** myself
because I couldn't live with my filthy self
he touched me in innopropriate ways and I let it happen
I let him into my bed because he said I seemed sad
he slid his hands up and down my legs
in a not so pure way
the next thing I knew he was sliding up my dress
he took my pure innocence
and shattered it in 10 seconds
I've been raised in a world where if you're not a ******, you're a *****
I never had a change to find out what a virginity was
but my dad took mine
and all I want now is someone to hold me
but I'm too *****
and nobody even wants me

no one else can feel things for you
only you can accept them
be yourself
any chance you get
because there will be a day
where your unsure of yourself
and you will need to rely on memories
to find yourself again
speaking from experience,
you always seem to lose yourself
trying to find the real you
hold on to yourself
and love the way you are

4 people
have asked me if I'm okay

and I said yes I'm fine
but really I'm dying

But give this to me
how can you tell someone you feel like dying?

when they care
and all they do is worry

my body is numb
and my hands are shaking

I have a sharp pain in my chest
and no, I'm not faking.

all I feel like is achy
this feeling isn't what I wanna be feeling

I'm sorry to everyone
that genuinely cares about me
but I just don't care about myself

im tired
my brain is telling me
my best friend hates me
but living without someone
who you put half of your life into
isn't fun
im dying
the happiness "light" on my face
is dimming
you're probably planning a way
to say goodbye
because im nothing you need
**** im over thinking
and now
im nothing.
-H.M.

there are guys
in and out of my life 24/7
I fall in love so easily
please forgive me
I'm really not easy
I just want someone to need me
while you're at it, please me
I feel so easy

when I cry
I lie into a pit of this other world
where everyone's walls are down
and no one has any self respect

it's so easy to get trapped into
this second world of mine
and lose myself while I am trying to find me.

suicide
su•i•cide- the act of one killing themselves intentionally.

a way to tell God that you can't live on the world he created

a solution that last forever when the problem lasted the weekend

the way to show everyone you're ******* done with every lie that comes out of their mouth.

even after knowing all these ******* pointless facts about it

I could easily
take the blade to my neck
and drown myself in my own blood

I'm so ******* sick
mentally and physically

I can't figure out
why I want to die
but I know it always sounds right

I don't know
how people would react if I die
but I sure do know
they'd be just fine

I'm just a lonely
waste of space
on this earth

today I beat the sun
in our little race on
who wakes up first
it was still a little dark
when I felt ready to go today
I love early mornings
because life goes
at such high speed
we don't get time
to appreciate the small things
such as watching the sun rise
while you have a nice cup of joe
we are wasting our life
on trying to grow up so fast
that we are missing out
on the things that could last

I love you.
Yes what you’re reading is true.
But we don’t connect the way we use to.
When your hand softly brushes my palm,
it doesn’t feel like a magnetic force that must stay together.
Our hands no longer connect like a 500 piece  puzzle,
where you need every piece for it to work.
I think you lost a piece.
I think I’m losing you,
This
Sure
Won’t
Be
Easy.
When I glance at you across the room,
I get this quick urge to look away.
I can’t see you the way I want to.
Our love is as clear as a persons vision who goes blind.
We lost all of our love darling.
And I’m sure this won’t be easy to comprehend.

life isn't always as bright as it could be
but with you

your smile shines
though the clouds
on a cloudy day

your eyes
form the rainbows
on the rainy days
you make the light
at the end of the tunnel

your personality
makes me grow weak
I am always me
when I'm with you

my self value
is nothing
my love for
myself
is still, nothing

noth-ing /pro: not anything; no single thing.

the dictionary finally
has a word that describes
the way I have been feeling
about the life inside me

I can't help
but to hate
the person
that I've
allowed myself
to become

im feeling nothing
and I am nothing

though it isn't really late
I have a lot of time to think
about the person I've been

change is great, yes it is
but there are different types
of changes you can make in your life

the two different types I have made were
believer and none believer
and man as a believer I feel great

I've always craved the attention of others
old me: I need everyone to love me
new me: I have God to love me

I never understood my purpose
old me: you really don't have one
new me: everyone has their own purpose on this earth, you just have to wait it out to find it

I always follow the wrong crowd
old me: it's okay as long as you are happy
new me: though you may seem like you're happy, the guilt from doing wrong cancels out happiness

a few of these scenarios explain
the depth of my faith
and I hope to continue to walk and grow in it

I don't know what it means
when all you can write about
is the man of your dreams

I don't know what it means
to feel cared about in beautiful
ways like he seems to

I don't know what it means
to have a guy that would to anything
to see the bright smile appear again

I don't know what it means
to have a guy care about you
the way he makes carrying seem.

but what I do know is if its
something that is true
I want you and only you
to show me what it means.

every time I wake up
in this empty bed
not next to you
it makes me think
more about how much
I really do just need you
but you hate me
so I guess I also hate you

I knew we wouldn't last when our hands no longer clicked in the same way

I knew we wouldn't last when they way you said you loved me was a way you would say it to a mocking jay

I knew we wouldn't last when the minutes we were separated started to feel like the rain when it gets evaporated

I knew we wouldn't last when I realized my eyes looked at you like just another street walking stranger

I knew we wouldn't work when I concluded that I became a flower but you were the rotting roots.

-H.M.M

what the ****
I was 4 years old
and you betrayed me
you told me lies
and I loves to hear them
*******
for not caring about me
and I hate you.

and the only thing
that is keeping me alive
is the dumb thoughts
that I can ramble together
to create a
"beautiful piece of writing"
when there is nothing
beautiful about
wanting to **** yourself

I always feel scared when my family tell others that I enjoy to write because all my life, I've always heard writers go no where.

I've always felt scared to share my witting, because every word I've put in has an emotional connection to my thoughts.

I'm scared to share my thoughts with others, because it seems to be that everything I say is stupid and I turn out to be the duff.

It scares me to think about losing my mom, because my mom has been my everything to me since the day I was born.

The thought of having to face my dad scares me, because he was nothing but evil in my life and I don't want that back.

I'm scared of the dark, because lies and deception don't happen in the day light and it makes me think bad happens in the dark.

I'm scared of getting very depressed (again), because when life gets to the point of all you wanna do is cry, nothing is right.

life scares me, because you can't turn on the news without hearing that someone was killed and I don't wanna raise kids in this world.

life is scary and I can't do it on my own.

the blue in the sky
every single time
it has to remind me of your eyes
and it triggers off
everytime you said goodbye
and you only said bye
because I could not handle the lies
that you feeding my mind.
and now
im just stuck here with why

now I hide in the lies
that you planted on me
in such a beautiful way
I fell in love
with each seed that
you may lay

now I'm a beautiful garden
with no one to take care of
any of the flowers
that have bloomed
into something bigger
so each lie you said
may not be as beautiful
because they are dead
but they still stay.

isn't it so ironic
that when we post
something happy you don't get noticed
but when you're so sad
everyone just comments
and makes such a big deal out of it
instead of glorifying sadness
glorify the feelings of happiness
because its better
and you'll love it.

he was the happiest milestone
that's ever been marked
in her journey of life

She looked at him like a woman would look at a dying man
She cherished every second
She laughed at every word
She loved every part of him

her brain would plant
beautiful roses
and they would become nourished
when he was in her thoughts

life quickly began to change

3 months after
she tried to collect herself again

She saw and thought of him
since he took all the good
flowers away from her
and never tried to replant them

it's been such a long time
since she thought about him

when she's thinking about him
her brain shrivels up
like a flower would when it's cold  
She try to protect herself
but he's everywhere

when she saw him
her walls appeared so high
the only thing she could see
was the beautiful blue sky

she said, "it gets lonely
when all you can see is blue
and not being able to think
about what happen between us two"

she knows he's  fine
because he told her
guys are 'so tough
and have no emotion'

did she quote him right?

to the guy who got away before I could say goodbye, **** it dad. you've really hurt me this time. Nothing's changed you're still hurting me. 11 years of constant pain that you just keep giving to me like it's money. Your name pops in my head and all I can think of is your crumny face that was always so red. You came in my mind and made me think that you could be a dad for the first 5 years of my life. How dare you? To give a 5 year old abandonment issues. You walked away without anything to say, and I wanted you to just say bye. You took my purity and made it filthy. I'm choked up on the thought of you being good. My voice cracks when I talk about you because you messed up our family. You made me feel so ****** inside for so long, and it's time for me to feel okay. And all I need is to crush the grief from the "passing away" of you being in my life. How dare you have the guts to even try to message me? you are not what is best for me, please leave me. Allow me to sort this all out in my head because right now it's very cloudy and I can't seem to think. can we call this a blonde moment even though I'm not blonde? because I feel like the thoughts of me wanting to talk to you is just another "blonde moment" just because of how **** stupid you are. You're so ****** and I want nothing to do with you. Stop sexualizing over everybody, we are humans not *** dolls. Grow up and show some respect.
you don't even deserve a sincerely,
the daughter that is doing way better without you here (Heidi).

I don't think
we are meant to be
but still
you are choosing me
and although
its killing me
I will
let it be
because
you think we are meant to be.

We have nothing close to an ordinary love, my dear.
An motorcyclist and a ballerina appear in mind,  
But that’s not even that clear.
Our bond is better than anything I can dream of.
a chemical bond between two atoms,
we are extraordinary.
But you still have that “typical boy” in you.
You bug me like a tick in the ear,
I love the pain you cause me.
But you still have that “manly strength” in you.
Protecting me like a hand lays protected by a boxing glove,
our love is something that is unspoken.

I know a girl
she's so pretty
and she could have it all

I'm envious of her beauty
everyone wishes to be seen like her
while deep down inside want to be her

she seemed like she had it all together
but in reality the blues took over her
faster than a bad case of poison Ivey

this sadness was poison Ivey
she saw herself as nothing
while everyone praised her and called her their 'everything'

you can have it all together
and still be so sad
because sadness can be poison to our beautiful life we treasure

I just hope for everyone to be themselves
love yourself the way you are
because you're so beautiful

every inch of flowing blood
that flows in your body
is continuing to flow for a reason

your eyes shine bright when you see that boy
because you deserve the happiness
that he can give you.

be the truest of true
to the youest of you
and do nothing but love yourself
the way i would love you.

you think the words
I scramble together
when I want to **** myself
are beautiful
but they ******* aren't
stop glorifying
the fact that people
want to die.