I just got hit
by the biggest wave of sadness
and I can't get up
I'm drowning
and I think
this is how life gonna be
drowning
and then getting saved
by a life saver
but the give up
and let go
so im stuck
and will never get over the fact that I'm downing

I'll tell you anything
to make sure you think
that im just fine.

but honestly
im just wanting
to die.

I know
that its a really big
lie.

but I just want you
to be able to sleep
thinking that I am alright.

boy, I keep falling for you.
first it was the words you spoke
you could make saying
"I hate you"
seem so beautiful to me

next it was the way you would say
"I love you"
I love that you're not original
you say I heart you
it's so beautiful

now it's the way you make me feel
and every conversation
is just so real
and I love you.
or as you would say
I heart you bb boo

life *****
friends change
people leave

life feels like a pattern
of never ending sadness

the minute I get happy
60 seconds later it's gone

I'm an over thinker
and I know that

I get late night sadness
and suddenly nothing else falls in place

I feel a little numb
and none of the puzzle pieces fit

while people are leaving
friends are changing
and life is *******

I still do not get handed a break
because my mind is overworking

I get handed some loneliness
and all the sudden every thought I have
revolves around reasonings why
no one will ever want me

I'm the worlds best "worst thinker"
and I'm sorry

my body is numb
my head aches
my eyes hurt
my mouth is wrinkled
my arm hangs
my legs are twisted
my feet trip
my hands type

my cold, sad body sits here with tears falling down my face as i think about you and every memory we shared and all I know is I miss you more than words could ever say.

Life stresses me out  beyond the healthy level

The sadness
behind my parents divorce
is haunting into my skin
and it'ts attacking me

The pain
that is related with my father
comes in contact with me
when I really don't need it to

The tears
built up with the hurt in my heart
is pounding really hard
it wants out
but it's stuck and i can't release it

The guilt
piling up with pity on myself
makes me feel worthless
why am i feeling so sorry for myself?

you know you are feeling spiritually high
because everything in your life is so low
Jesus Christ is the love of my life
and my cup is over full
life is good
and nothing's a drag

It has finally registered to me
that all I do try to make others happy
ends up making them hate me.
I feel like no one really gets me
like being the only ugly pearl
in the sea.
Though, its an unfair expectation
to think people would understand
the complexity of me being me.

I have this crinkle in my nose
and it only shows when you're not around

I have dark under eye circles
and they appear when I start to think about you

I have frown lines
and they are all because of you

I have cold hands
and you're not here to warm them

I have an empty bed
and you're not here to fill it

I have so much time
and I still can't see you

I think so much about you
and you still can't even tell that I'm hurting

all I ever do is what is good for you
and you still claim that I hate you

you are the stress in my life
but I still can't help but tell you I love you.

-H.M

At the age of 4, love was the thing that your parents were in.
And it was also the reason for them to be together.
So you were glad that they were “in love.”
At the age of 6, love was talked about a lot.
But it normally was gross and gave you cooties.
And you swore you would never be in love.
At  the age of 10, boys start to become so cute.
You just can’t keep your eyes off of them.
And everyone is developing crushes
and they start dating each other.
At the age of  14, love is the craving of every teanager.
You feel like you have to be good enough for a guy
and that is all that matters to you.
But, when you turn 16, love is abused.
It’s no longer what you ever thought it would be.
And boys make you cry
and emotionally unstable.

I use to crave your presence in my life

10 years later,
I crave the pain to go away that you've caused.

today im suffering
i dont want to admit it
because i think i deserve it

today im thinking
about how i dont wanna be here
but what else is new?

today im upset
because everyone told me life is fair
but now that im doing life, nothing is fair.

today i dont think i can do this
because my favorite people are gone
and all i wanted was them to stay

today im thinking
because when you're alone you think
and im killing my mind

my brain told me
that it cant keep going on this way
and my hands are shaking

its been so long since ive felt this way
i dont know who to talk to
because no one in my life has stayed.

nothing but positive
is in my life to stay
im tired of living
in such a negative way

today is the day
that I can declare
change to the way
I see the way of life.

life itsself is
such a beautiful place
it's filled with yellow Rays
and pink figmented flowers

and at the end of the days
as the nights start to lay
the pretty colors in the sky
say hi, just for a little while.

and finally
im tired of the nasty ways
no more bad days
I declare for myself.

he told me
"I love your writing."
"could you write about me?"

I said
"I can only write about the pain I feel."
"and I never want you to cause me pain."

6 months later
all I can write about is
you
and the pain
your love caused me

they're back
my little friends
they tell me how
im suppose to live.

my whole body
is trembling
scared that my mind
will fall for the
beautiful words
my little friends come up with.

"come on girl."
"you just need that blade"
"run it across a few times"
"no one has to know"

FOR ***** SAKE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
im crying out.
and I want no one
and im scared
to make mistakes
and fall into unhealthy
love for the voices
who tell me
how I need to live.

Oh, how easy it would be
to solve things the way i use to do
by taking all of my pain out on me

It would be so easy
to stop trying to be happy
by letting the sadness sink into me

Why can't I stop trying
and let life take the trail
that it's led to do?

It ***** when I feel this way
because nothing makes me want to stay
I wish I wouldn't feel this way

Maybe what I really need
is someone to tell me to stay
and maybe then I might find a reason to stay

but until then...

who said life can't be close to perfect?
the idea of perfection is an illusion
no matter how you try
nothing will ever be close to perfect
why can't I strive to make things
as close to perfect
as I think they can get?

I treat myself
like a lunatic

but really
I'm just a girl
with too
much space
that is very lonely

I'm just a girl
with too much
thinking time
that kills off
my mind.

I'm just a girl
who listens
to those ****
sad songs
to make herself
feel sane
when really
she's anything but sane

and I really do
hate the me I am

I remember the first sunrise I went to
it was second most beautiful thing
that my eyes had ever seen.

because 8 months before
my eyes locked with yours
and the rest has been a road trip.

On this trip, there are flat tires here
and flat tires there
but we they always seem to be repaired.

The sunrise shined with beauty
I could smell the pink stripes is the sky
and felt the way the waves moved.

I shared this view with about 2
2 great people who had awaken
to see the beauty that this world has.

The  sun started to rise
and then so did I
and you weren't mine.

We arrived to our location
the trip was all over
and you were no where to be found.

the thought of him brings so many ugly words to mind that I could turn into a beautiful write.

my eyes are tired and my face is red
I'm craving the feeling of tiredness in my body
but the thought of you makes me too happy to want to sleep
my brain is a race track
its never stopping
its keeping awake
so let me wait till the race is over.
but the race is just starting
and I think I may be awake for a while
my eyes are getting droopy and my mind is getting lost
I don't know how to feel or what to think but
I think I'm lost in the thought of you
dreamy eyes
beautiful face
great taste
I love race you cause my brain
so when you ask me why I'm tired in the morning, it's because I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful you really are.

I still think about you
as you lay in peace
6 ft under the ground
tomorrow is your birthday
you're going to be 56

and that's breaking me
I wanted you to see
me grow in every way
im sorry that you
were in so much pain

just promise me
on April 9th and 10th
you will be there with me
when im performing
my heart out
in remembrance of you

love/ an intense feeling of deep affection

2. lust/ to have a strong or excessive craving

I take these two words into play
when my brain thinks of your name

I feel deeply connected to you
its so insane

but I sometimes crave you
like a summer day

so I ask myself
is this love or lust?

but one day
as we lay

I will know if this is love or lust

valentines is sad
s-singles
a-awareness
d-day
but why constantly
be sad
when there are others
dying for your attention
**** i lost my writing mojo

waves
they roll onto shore
and on their way here
they crash
and they move
and do awesome things

life is like waves
overall we will do awesome
but on our way to success
we crash and fall
we move on
and then we have our great days
that's just the way it goes.

the waves meet their way
onto the shore perfectly
they meet for about 5 seconds
and are taken away
to make the shore feel loneliness

like waves, I met you
when life was going perfectly
an awesome five months
and you get taken away
and all the sudden
I'm lonely again
and nothing has changed

the thought of being in love
sends a wave of sad to my mind
reminding me of all my mistakes
or **** ups that live in the past

it's not you that im not in love with
its the thought of love
that scares the **** out of me.
because all the pain stays with me.

dear I love you
but I don't love
the thought of love.
and I don't want that
to stop you
from love.

as I breathe in
the non existance
of your presence

the more
my body wants to
shut down and
join you.

they are back
the voices
the ones that tell me
how I am going to live.
and I can't put myself
together again.

it's back
the pain that I feel
when someone
I love dearly
is hurting
and im trying to stop
trying to fix others life
but I cant.

im back
and I dont
want to be back.

hey you
I think you know
how to hurt me
and to creep
in between my skin
and I hate you

every night
when I close my eyes
and start to dream
my mind drifts to
some pretty creative things
but I always end up
with you
**** I really need you
I miss you

I know where your resting place is.
But you left me with so many questions,
and I just want to know why.
Why did you have to go?
Or is it better left unsaid?
Are you okay?
I didn’t hear from you for a while
before you permanently left me.
What’s it like in Heaven?
I hope you’re having a great holiday
with everyone who left this earth before you.
Do you hear me when I try to talk to you?
I talk to you when I miss you the most,
and I just want to be selfish and know if you hear my voice.
Is life up there easy like everyone says?
I know you struggled so much,
and I’m glad you’re in a place where no suffering is a promise.
Can you send me a card signed by you and your dogs?
I love traditions, and that one was my favorite on Christmas eve.
But just so you know, I miss you every single day.
This month marks month 4 without your talks.
I never dreamed to go a birthday without you.
You may not be physically here with me,
but you will never leave my mind.

there are so many
flowers in the garden
but you are
the only one I see.

what the ****
this air is running short
my lungs are closing in
my precious oxygen
where have you been
is this how I know
im dying?

why am I allowing
people who
don't know me
judge the therapy
to my feelings

hey lover
please stay away
I beg you with tears in my eyes
there are ghost in the walls
and when they find the soul
they actually want
they will take you over
and I know they're searching for you
darling, this is hard for me
but please don't come around
to this ghost town anymore.
-H.M.

when we are together
blood flows
hearts race
people laugh
plants grow
faces smile
fingers connect
lips touch
leaves fall
time ticks
life fits
please see we are so right together.

the words
the hate
the fake
they cut into me
and make me bleed

the sad
the depressed
the ugly
they attack me
because they are lonely

the words
the sounds
my mind
it never seems to slow down
not even for me to
comprehend what is happening

you're controling my mind
You're in my brain
almost every single time

7:37 am and I already miss you
I crave your lips
because I want to kiss you

you're running through my veins
stop playing games
because I need you.

well *******
because you ****
and I hate you.

but just know
even though,
hate over runs the love
I love the pain
and I love you.

the words
that my mind are
bringing me
is probably
killing me

My eyes haven't been able to adjust to the light around me quick enough before my mind already started thinking. "Did I oversleep?", "I'm never going to be able to be successful." Oh how some days I hate being me. Feeling defeated after only being awake for 5 minutes, I beg myself to even be able to go back to sleep for 30 minutes to restart my day. After arguing with myself about what the best thing to do is, I get out of bed 45 minutes later. Wash my face, brush my teeth and find a decent outfit. 1 hour into my day and I'm on the edge of an anxiety attack because I feel so self conscious in my own skin. I look in the mirror and really hate being me. A day of school goes by, and I nervously watch the clock tick closer to 4 pm. I love work but I also hate it. Why do I feel the need to fake my happiness to make others feel better? Im so toxic for my own self.

how dare you be able to tell me
that my everything wasn't good
enough for the life inside of you
I showed you any part of me
that you wanted to see
I just wanted you to be happy
and now you want me to be dead
life hurts
and I ****
im sorry

today is the day
that I actually really
want to die.
I haven't felt this way in a while
regathering up my blades again
developing a sadness again
getting so bad again
I'll be dead in a week
so
until then please promise
you will love me
so I wont suffer my last week.

such a beautiful day for others
is such a sad day for me
and it doesn't mean anything to me

it's been so long
since I put my feelings
into lines of writing
I'm getting dusty
with these kind of things
I feel like a traitor to the world of writing
my mind is destroyed
my heart is broken
my eyes are tear ducts
life is hard,
some times too hard to write about
I would never wanna hurt someone else
but I always hurt myself
I'm so confused with my life.