It is incredible how quickly my rationality was lost
and I genuinely considered taking a blade across my skin
for absolutely no reason.

It's as if my progress means nothing to me
and I am just a spoiled brat who isn't getting attention
so I choose to hurt myself.

It's been almost three years fighting this urge
and it seems to be that it literally will not go away
but I won't give in.

Please don't let me find my self destruct button.

I told you that I didn't want to. That I can't control myself.
I made sure you knew so that when I tried to, you'd stop me.
You were supposed to stop me. You were supposed to say no.
I wasn't myself, I don't even know if I'd consider myself responsive.
The only reason I realized what was happening was because
I heard a song, a voice, a familiar tune. Reminding me of who I am.
And who I am should not be someone who sleeps with everyone.
This seems to happen to me a lot, I've noticed.
I don't blame you, I blame myself for trusting you.
Trusting that you'd remember that I didn't want to be with you.
Trusting that you wouldn't take advantage of me.
Trusting that you cared about me enough to just say no.

I feel for you, but I won't hold onto the past
because I know I'm never going back there.
Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't do it.
I've grown too much to step backwards
into who I used to be when I was with you.
Yes, it would be comfortable.
But I don't want to ever live that state.
The state of mind that the only time
I can be comfortable is when I'm yours.
I don't need that mindset.
Plus, you don't want that anyway.
You're happy, and I'm usually happy.
Break ups happen for a reason and
there's no reason to hold onto something
that's already let go of you.

I have your name written down on a note in my phone.
It's on a list of the boys that I've slept with.
I don't need photographs to remember you by,
because I have strong memories of how our skin touched so closely.
You contaminated my mind with false ideas of who we were.
When we were together, were we even together?
Perhaps we were only sleeping together.
It's uncomfortable how you left me so easily.
As if I meant nothing to you at all. Maybe that's just how it is.
But if we're being real, and true ,and honest,
I suppose you're really just a name
written down on a note in my phone,
on a list of the boys that I've slept with.

My counselor asked me
if I’ve ever been in a committed relationship.
I began to tell him all about you
and how you won me over with a guitar
and a love song on my 16th birthday.
I informed him about how lovely your family was,
and the Sunday dinners at your grandmas house.
The more and more that I told him about you
I realized that I loved you so much,
and that love for you never went away.
Memories of you are so many,
but I know you’re happy without me.
I just wish that I wasn’t so crazy when you let me go.
I wish I would have fought a little harder and cried a little less.
I wonder if this love for you will ever leave me alone.

Cleanliness is something that you learn
when your mom washes your hair and
reminds you to brush your teeth before bed.
It isn't something you think about,
it's something you do out of habit.
Cleanliness is something you memorize,
you don't associate it with someone's ****** history
until their history writes itself into your present and future.
It receives a new meaning
once you wash your hair and brush your teeth
and you somehow still don't feel clean.

I met you and my life changed for the better
everything seemed to have  a brighter color because
you started a fire inside of me that I didn't even know was possible.
Being around you made everything okay
but now I'm in tears on a plane and I am blaming you.
I thought I was getting better because of you
but I was only absorbing your light.
I was washing your hair while in the shower at five the morning
because you spent the night and your phone lit up "princess"
I can't believe I didn't realize  that your princess isn't me and
your princess never will be me and I hate you so much for
letting me love you  with no intention of loving me back