Floating forward on empty feet
Music clinging to every second that passes my ears
Im overwhelmed by the quiet vastness the world has become
Green spilling over pale balconies
Flowers take their place without remorse
Sturdy white buildings with their usual red caps filled to the brim with life
They feign stillness secretly teeming with love, with hate, with anger,  enjoyment of life, with overwhelming loneliness, with boisterous laughter, with shared meals and smiles and tears
It’s alive, every person a vein, i can feel these buildings breathe as i walk by, feel it’s pulse, every beat resounding deep in my skull
An irrefutable reminder
as my skin crawls from solitude, we are alive, we are alive

I have felt the weight of so many feelings pile up inside me over the years
The top layer of myself is composed of a loss for words
I fell in love once and back then it was as if the words would never stop flowing out of me
Poem after poem pouring out of my soul about a girl who i ended up falling so completely out of love with
Ever since then i have looked at my notebooks, stray post it notes once equipped for a passionate flurry of words to be smattered onto and then neatly folded into an origami heart  
I’ve looked at them and felt only loss
Falling out of love overtook me as slowly as falling in
Shy moments persistently becoming noticed until i realized that
I wasnt who i used to be when this all began
And honestly?
I dont know who i am anymore
I really don’t
And perhaps that’s why i havent found the words yet
These past few months i have been urging myself to write, write, write,
You know you will want to remember what this is like so write
But i looked inside myself and all i saw was a confusing blob, a living person with questions for organs and i didn’t know what to do
What had become of who i was
And so i pushed writing away
Words that so easily poured from my fingertips, trapped behind a self made dam
I felt silly
I feel silly
How to i begin to describe that i no longer recognize myself
That the image of who i was
A scared angry depressed teenager has been smeared at, scratched away with rough greedy hands
And i am left looking at an empty husk of an adult
A living breathing ‘what could be’
And i am lost
And i dont know
I must really admit, i know nothing- at all.

flat washes of ink in blue and pink
dragged fingers across the sky
leaving fuzz and glitter in their touch
heavy colors leave me feeling light
the trees give me breath in the morning crisp light and i am mist
floating and twinkling in the air
feet touch the floor
the cool air with its hands
interlocks with my fingers

my hand wishes for yours
it reaches and it falls
empty promises that i’d wish you made
so maybe i can hope for someday
the sky wasnt made- with its pretty pastel shades
to enjoy on my own

pretend with me
take my hand like you can
walk with me like our feet can eat the miles between us
let our lungs fill with freshness
let your lips touch mine
i know you cant but
please step into this painting of a world with me
hold my hand and smile at the watercolored sky
dont tell me yes or no or why
just kiss me under inky pink skies

slowly everything that we once were drips out of me
i know it will take time
for when you loved me you embedded yourself into every part of my being
i will wait until it falls below me
like i’m the top half of an hour glass
i will wait with time dripping at my feet
i will wait to be ok

im so sorry
i miss you so much
i didnt mean to miss you this much
but i dont know how to *******

stop

I want to focus on the good with you
I want to simmer all of what is us, and wait for the excess to evaporate
with all it gone I can see the basics
you make me smile
making you laugh makes me feel warm
the sound of your voice is one of the best sounds on earth
my world feels aligned when I’m with you

you make me happy

these are the basics
the bare essentials of what makes up you and I
And it’s all I need