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May 2017 · 884
sleep, young one.
avery james May 2017
you have been searching for home
for so long,
you have endured so many sleepless nights
that you have lost sight
of what you're looking for.
i know all about the weight
you carry on your shoulders
and in your chest.
it makes you feel as if
you're about to sink into the earth,
yet you still run.
from everything you are afraid of,
the person you're
scared you're becoming.
no one is closer to you
than that self destruct button
you have your finger hovering over.
stop running,
it's time to rest now,
the stars will still be there when you wake.
im trying to write without a filter, let my hands take control, instead of my brain. im trying to tell the truth, and not what just sounds good to others.
Feb 2017 · 733
imbalance
avery james Feb 2017
i am compiled of extremities.

either everything will get so loud
the voice can't speak over the top of everyone
and i feel like i'm drowning.
but other times
the silence makes me want to scream
until there is
something
to distract from the horrors
crawling their way into my mind.
Aug 2016 · 394
longing
avery james Aug 2016
i want someone to love me so much
that it feels like the sun
is something they built
for me in their tool shed
because i have been living
in the shadows for so long
and i long for the sun's warmth
avery james Aug 2016
this place was never home,
this was a horror house
that made feel like an intruder
when i was supposed to at peace.
instead i learned to make
homes out of the
people i loved.
and while the destruction of them
tore me to pieces,
at least for a while i had
someone to call home.
May 2016 · 954
code red
avery james May 2016
i'm supposed to
be the captain of this ship
i should be controlling it,
but all it is doing is
slowly sinking and
out here there is no
escape or exit.
avery james May 2016
you were like the devil on my shoulder
whispering to me everything thats wrong with me
but i treated it all like the words of god
because you were beautiful enough to be an angel
but your poison filled lips
are destroying everything thing i
once loved about you
and now you are the dying rose
that you once gave me
sitting in my room
theres no room for you here anymore
Apr 2016 · 1.3k
nostalgia is a liar
avery james Apr 2016
in the covers of the night i still
miss you and the memories we
made like a reflex muscle
i still miss the times we
were happy and we were full of love.
but nostalgia is a liar
and now you're sleeping
with a guy you just met
to the songs we said were ours.
i am growing from this like
a beautiful blossoming tree.
avery james Apr 2016
he was my nicotine
and ******* was i addicted
but as good as i
thought he was
he's turning my lungs to ash
and my words can no
longer get past
my throat.
its time i started
using those
nicotine patches.
Mar 2016 · 2.8k
Untitled
avery james Mar 2016
there is no way to make what i think
sound beautiful
or moving
or to make it flow
so here it is
it is blunt
but it is the truth.
i am trapped.
this is  disease i cannot rid of.
there uncountable, unwanted curves
and two mountains that reside on my chest
that i am ready to rid off.
where there should be a low, raspy voice
is a high pitch voice
that always gives me away.
there are soft merging lines
instead of straight sharp lines.
i am trapped
in my own body.
Feb 2016 · 301
markings
avery james Feb 2016
i claw at my body
over and over and over
but it is not enough
it doesnt make my problems go away
to my disappointment
i am still breathing.
Feb 2016 · 332
muscle reflex
avery james Feb 2016
stop saying sorry
replace those apologies with
beautiful words that
have more depth
than that automatic response.
you are not a robot
you can create new ways
to apologize
to love
to be.
Jan 2016 · 263
Untitled
avery james Jan 2016
i feel like a grenade
ready to detonate
at any second
and elimate in my path.

you need to run
to get out
i don't want to hurt you
but i'm about to explode
Jan 2016 · 249
naive
avery james Jan 2016
naive kid
thinking that it would work
"if there's a will, there's a way"
but you burned half of that will to nothing
and the other half starved to death when you abandoned it
Jan 2016 · 2.5k
Untitled
avery james Jan 2016
there is a man in my dreams.
he is tall
with hair like gold,
and his eyes that are the colour of a raging ocean
and when i touch his face
it reminds me of worn down sandpaper
- a tad prickily, but it is home.
with broad shoulders that make him look like he knows exactly where he's going
he just grins like he knows the secrets to the universe.
i hope one day im as confident and comfortable in the universe as he is.
Jan 2016 · 305
fears
avery james Jan 2016
i am scared of alot of things.
the unknown things lurking in the darkness.
the depth of the ocean.
the haunting monsters that live in every corner i encounter.
but my biggest fear by far,
is losing you.
Jan 2016 · 396
2am mumbled conversations
avery james Jan 2016
i want you to say that you love me.
not out of reflex or habit.
i want you to say that you love me,
with everything you are,
everything you once were,
and everything that you will become.
Jan 2016 · 355
starved and drained
avery james Jan 2016
my lips are chapped,
my head is throbbing,
my vision has blurred,
i am starving myself,
to rid of these demons that haunt me,
but it is not a pretty sight.
i dont think out been outside for a few days now,
what did i used to do all the time?
my book collection is gathering dust,
and my art supplies are packed away somewhere.
i have successfully starved myself,
but not of the demons,
they still reside here,
but of my happiness.
Jan 2016 · 388
2:04am
avery james Jan 2016
bright lights sting my eyes,
my hand and wrists are stained crimson red,
i've lost track of time,
and i'm losing track of myself,
i can feel the caffeine pumping through my veins,
i hope i can survive this night,
praying that sleep doesn't take me,
because my nightmares hold scarier demons than hell.
Jan 2016 · 411
utterly flawed
avery james Jan 2016
i am flawed

i care too deeply for the small, irrelevant things. i procrastinate my responsibilities more than i care to admit. i get obsessive over bands and tv shows. i am way too vain. i poison my body, not with pills or cigarettes, but with food. i hunch my back when i sit down. razors are my best friends, and they show their love for me with kisses all down my thighs and up my arms.

i am deeply flawed.

you, however, are perfect.

you are made up of so many stars, and they are all beautiful. you are the smell of freshly baked cookies. your soul is the sunset, no one wants to miss it, but like the leaves on the ground, the wind will sweep you up and out of this place.

you are so handsome. and i when you are gone, i will mourn the presence of your soul that radiates so much light.
Jan 2016 · 476
FULL BLOWN HYPOCRITE
avery james Jan 2016
i am a hypocrite
i promote body positivity,
yet i hate the body i am in
i promote battling your demons,
yet i have to resist the urge to jump in the path of a truck,
i say 'dont drink too much',
yet i am best friends with the bottom of the bottle
Jan 2016 · 280
like a fire burning out
avery james Jan 2016
head throbbing,
legs shaking,
the memory of your words as sharp as a knife,
save me now before my feet find an edge.

somebody send help,
the lights in my eyes are slowly dimming.
Jan 2016 · 664
just a vessel
avery james Jan 2016
i am not my body.
i am so much more than my body.
i am my thoughts at 3am on the verge of sleep.
i am the songs stuck in my head.
i am my favourite books that i have read a thousand times over,
i am the songs i listen to when i need a break from the world.
i am the passion that drives me to stay up to 2 in the morning to finish a drawing.
i am the love i have for my friends.
i am more intricate than this vessel, i am a complex being.
I AM MORE THAN MY BODY.
Jan 2016 · 473
no more apologies
avery james Jan 2016
stop apologizing for existing.
you are allowed to exist.
you are allowed to take up space in this world.
exist loudly, exist with all your heart.
shout at the top of your lungs
"I EXIST SO BEAUTIFULLY AND SO LOUDLY IT MAKES ME WANT TO ******"
and its okay to **** up.
you'll **** up a lot of times.
but its okay, because tomorrow is not going anywhere,
so go and exist however the ******* want to.
because you've only got one shot at it.
so exist with all your soul and your heart.
Nov 2015 · 1.6k
1 in 12
avery james Nov 2015
1 in 12 transgender people are killed every single year.
1 in 12 i can't walk the streets alone at night.
1 in 12 public restrooms are a choice of being yelled at, or being beat up.
1 in 12 i hide behind my hoodie and keep my head down when im in "shifty" places.
1 in 12 having to wear the incorrect school uniform because "kids can be cruel"
1 in 12 you're not a "real man" if you don't have a *****, and if you do have one, you cannot be a woman, like there is a set of rules.
1 in 12 i can't get i job because if they find out i'm trans they'll use slurs in the place of my name.
1 in 12 living a lie because i want to be alive.
1 in 12 but am i truly alive, if im constantly hiding behind a mask?
1 in 12 is it too selfish that i just want to survive?
Nov 2015 · 528
cuts and bruises
avery james Nov 2015
i know how flawed i am.
my body is ridden all over with cuts and bruises.
my back has become an flexible ruler - never how it should be.
i care too much about the pitch of my voice, and how small my hands are when they are interlinked with yours.
i care about what strangers on the other side of this rock think of me.
i poison my already dead heart with things to make me feel alive once again.
but i am trying. trying to improve. trying to be better.
you. you are a risk taker. you don't follow the rules.
you are the taste of liquor on my tongue, i know it probably will end with a crash, but i cant help but want more.
you are the smoke in my lungs, and i should stop smoking, but i have tried, but you are apart of me.
i am addicted to the taste of you.
i am addicted to the sound of your voice when you are burning out, but you're trying to stay awake.
i am addicted to the feeling of your hands when you are nervous
and i love you. that i cannot deny.
so maybe i will quit another day.

— The End —