Thus begins the summer month
But my body still feels cold
I see in shades of ashen grey
Where others see bright and bold
The lemon taste within the breeze
Is acidic in my throat
Refreshing water does nothing for
A girl with little hope
Thus begins the summer month
Where many are at play
And here I lie beneath the sun
Where I shall slowly fall away

I like to think I know you
As I know my cobbled streets
Or my fingertips
But perhaps maybe I don't
I don't know what your favourite colour is
Or what songs you sing in the shower
I don't know what brought
You out of that raging storm
But I do know how you look
When basked in sunlight
And I know how you smile
When you've nothing to say
I know that you break sometimes
I know that you fix yourself too
I may not know all of you
Every crevice and nook,
But I do know you
And I know that I love you
And I know that for you,
That is enough.

I.

There are parts of this story
Written for me only
Chapters not to be read aloud,

II.

The tears on the pillow
Moonlight illuminating the dew
Silent cries in the quiet hours

III.

The endless screams
Muted to the world
But piercing and agonising in my head

IV.

Blood in the bathtub
Blades hidden 3rd drawer down
Scars decades old that no one has ever seen

V.

All of these small chapters;
The little hidden tragedies
Of my short, bright life

he loves me,
he loves me not,
he loves me,
he loves me not.
petals fall
as do my tears
I know he does not love me
so why am i still
destroying flowers?

Being anonymous
In an ocean of other
Anonymous faces
Moving together, crowding together
Riding the same tide
For the same ******* reasons;
In sacrificing your identity
Take care not to lose yourself

Bukowski said what matters most
Is how well you walk through fire
But I've been wandering hell for months
And I dont think anyone has even noticed
Maybe it is I who doesnt matter
Maybe the burns are only skin deep

Whatever matter exploded
In the Big Bang, the first star
Whatever black dwarf or supernova
Scattered it's thousand atoms
Across space, time, universes
Whatever that supernova was
I believe mine and his were the same

I've always loved the stars
And I can see him in constellations
And see constellations in his eyes
His heart beats with my steady drum
I think I have known he was mine
And I was his, from the first breath

Across miles of space and years of time
I have always been, somehow,
Looking for him

How did Atlas do it?
Hold the world on his shoulders
I can barely lift my head
With the thoughts in my mind
Like lead weights
Dragging me deeper into oceans
That will never see the light
I can take my coffee black
And sit in the brazen sun
But the nightmares still come
They still come

With the changing winds
My friends are drifting from me
In all directions
And if I pursue one
I lose the rest
A great canyon has severed us
And we are all so very, very sad
But calling out for help
Only results in an echo
Shouting back
I know, I have tried
I cannot see nor hear them
And I doubt they are looking
For a speck of dust
Such as I,
So you see
I guess I'm just better
Alone.

The thing about love
Is that in the excitement
Of offering yourself
To someone you lust for
You have exposed
Your heart, your soul.
And in that lustful surrender,
You lose both.

As surely as Atlantis fell
Into the gaping maw of the sea
So I plummeted also in
Landing between the sharp jaws
Of your smile, and did drown,
Like all the downed ships brought low
By the ever-changing storm in your eyes
Cradled in the currents of your arms
And held close, that I may listen in
To the whispering of waves, echoed
By the whalesongs that muffle all other noise
And with a lungful of salt and seawater
I sink into the deep Mariana of your heart
Held in sway by the ocean of you

Out by the sunsest
Where lovers lie
And smoke by the river
Drinking ashen wine
Gone are the eyes
With moonlit shine
Now only tombstones
Reading "mine"
Of all creations
With concepts of time
Lonely are the lovers
Born to die.

I am a skeleton
carrying this dead weight
of a foul carcass
my brain isn't functioning so well
I'm forgetting things
I can't really see straight
I think the neighbours are plotting something
The wasps in my mind
are buzzing buzzing  buzzing
stinging angrily at the memories
i have been repressing
for so many long, tired, years
and it hurts
I am a skeleton
I am a carcass

I learnt today
that if you were to traverse
the depths of the ocean
the building pressure
would push all breath from your lungs
and your blood would burst
with the heaviness of it all
oh but for you, darling
for the azure currents in your eyes
i would sink

Concept: i live in an undiscovered forest and I co-exist. The trees, the wind, and the animals love me. I never feel alone.

The rain got in the house, somehow. It was leaking from the ceiling, pouring like autumn showers and the thunder was so loud it made my ears ring. I was screaming above the storm we need to get out of the rain and I received blank stares and empty faces. My family, listen to me, can you not see the lightning?
Faces fall away and I am in a dark room with only that forked electricity to light my way. Booming and crashing and the crackling static.
Hands on my head I can't get the sound out its so loud its too LOUD. THERE IS SO MUCH NOISE. THERE IS ONLY **THUNDER THUNDER THUNDER.

You were the story I would never write
the dog-eared pages in my favourite books
and the highlighted words in the best poems i knew
you were my 6am coffee and my midday sun
and the twilight that illuminated the walls of this old house
you were the sunset that hid behind the ocean
before arising again as the moon, from the earth
my heaven, my universe and all of my stars
I let you become a god and you eventually turned to myth
we wrote legends about you, ballads and tragedies,
and i saw the sunlight leak from your eyes
and spill onto this concrete over months of aching
golden ichor that seeped into the cracks of the soil
you made flowers grow where you bled, and there were stars,
stars instead of tears when you cried
When i cried with you, and we built a new universe
one entirely our own, no demons, no monsters,
no angels and gods and cruel humans can find us here
we fly together
we die together
you and I until the end

Now I swim until the shore is gone

This dead weight
on my feeble shoulders
is getting lighter
gradually, day by day
the pain is easing up
I know it will never
be entirely gone
but its a nice thought
that less than a year ago
I was the titan Atlas
Holding up the weight
of the sky, of the world
and now, someone has come along
and shared my burden
and slowly, very slowly
we are lifting it
lifting my burden
up and away from me
My burden is lighter
my eyes are lighter
my heart is lighter
the pain is going
At last.

What must I say to keep you here?
What concepts must I concoct to resume your feelings of comfort?
How many miles must the road take me until your heart is within sight, or reach?
I will circle the world a hundred, no, a thousand thousand times for you
If it meant you would not leave
I would disappear into crevices and find jewel hilted blades
Just so you could cut my heart out if you wanted
I would sell my soul and more just for your smile
Accept this home, this love, without need of my emptiness and know that you are what makes me whole

sitting in the sick bay
I just want to go home
shivering from a non existent cold
feeling queasy but not because i'm ill,
no, its the quaking fear i feel
the numbing pain coursing through me
my friend walks in
and i return to my 'ill' facade
he asks what's wrong
and i look at him with teary eyes
from thinking about death again
and I tell him
Oh i just don't want to be here today
and we both know what i mean
by that.

Of course this would happen
When does it not
I let people in and I get hurt
I trust and am then shown
Why I should not
I know it was a party
I know you were drunk
But if you had even a speck
Of the love you claimed to have for me
That wouldn't have mattered
You would not have slept with her
And I would not be sitting here
With blood on my wrists
And tears on my cheeks
And a pounding headache
From crying so much
If love really exists,
It is my enemy.

I only write well
When the sorrow
Filling my body
Swarms to my
Fingertips
And seeps out
Onto this page
Or gripping a razor.
There are thousands
Of ways
To feel pain
But I know only two
On how to
Deal with it.

I still get the urge to burn the house down with me in it
If only to destroy what destroys me
I still run my fingers over my scars
And think about the blood I’ve had to watch circle the drain
I still feel the moths in my stomach
And the tar black tightening of hands
Around my wrists, and my throat
What I mean to say is I still feel my sadness like a second skin
But loving him is like breathing clean air
Like washing the gasoline off my body before I drop the match
Loving him is locking the drawers that hold the sharp things
It is taking everything jagged and ruined from my body and making mosaic
Loving him is not saving me, I know
I am a woman of wounds
But it is holding my bruises up to the light
Seeing the colours and not the swelling
Looking at all the poorer parts of me through his eyes
And finding there are still some things left to save

I am always
The punching bag
the shoulder to cry on
the comforter
the listener
the talker
the 'here to make things better'er
the one to poke fun at
just to make yourself feel big
I'm here to talk you out of suicide
to make sure you wake up tomorrow
to ensure your happiness
even if i must sacrifice my own
I'm here to clear the darkness
from behind your eyes
but its my light that now fills you
I have been depleted of something more
I am something to go to
when you need someone
or need to feel
I'm not considered a person anymore.

I hate how things ended between us
I hate that things ended.
I'm much too selfish
to say that I hope you find someone
who you deserve
I only wish I was,
or could have been
someone worthy
of your love.

follow my instructions my dear
i promise, if you are hurting
this will not ail you further
and i can only hope
it will diminish your pain

breathe, darling, breathe
inhale, exhale
let the soothing coolness of life
fill your lungs and cleanse you
inhale, exhale,
that's it
you've got this

Now listen my love
I know things are tough right now
and you may not feel up to much
thats fine, i promise, its fine
just relax and let the air
take away a little part of your pain
inhale, exhale
breathe, darling, breathe

you can do this
just keep breathing
my dearest love,
keep breathing.

He tasted like the salt
That rolled off my cheekbones
And his eyes were like the soil
In them I saw love growing
I saw him growing
I saw other worlds in the golden flecks
Of his iris'
And I knew that one day
This love would come to pass
And I've come to realise
My prayers are cigarettes
They take the heartache away
But then they turn to ash
Like our love will
*Like our love did

every 'beautiful' blazing comet
and 'glorious' shooting star
that you wish upon
in the hopes to save yourself
is nothing more
than a dead, or dying, planet
left among the debris
of the universe
It cannot save you

                                           

               ­                                  *do not
                                                             ­ wish
                                                                ­       on me.

Let your ribs be the iron cage
That winged hearts of men fear
Let your eyes hold such depth
All who gaze be lost there, always
Let your arms be lovely yet strong
May you contest with Atlas
As you both hold up the world
Let tears be not weakness
But rivers that cut their path
Through the stone mountains of your cheeks
Let lips hold words of faith and courage
May you speak truthfully
May you be harsh when called for
Let your voice shake the earth
You are nature herself
You bleed the Golden Ichor of Gods
And where it falls, flowers grow
Let your heart be the strong Oak
And your capillaries, roots
The sky will bend for you
The birds will sing for you
The world will love you
But love yourself, first.

There is a constant storm in my mind
a heavy rainfall, drowning every thought
that could break the blanket of clouds
I haven't seen the sun in months
I'm forgetting what it feels like
all i know is the rain
and grey skies
and grey thoughts
and a grey self
the whole world is muted
and the thunder crashes at night
when I can't sleep
and there is so much lightning
I'm blinded and terrified
more rain, more hail
more damnable
stormy
self

There is a solitary loneliness
to every burning star
and the sky can only ever truly illuminate
when they come together in their solitude
every black hole, every meteorite,
all the discarded planets, and all
of the burning stars
together, in complete unison
with the cosmos, and all it's galaxies
Universes within universes
all working together
the sun and the moons and every lonely comet
turning and clashing in complete order
that is when the night sky
looks brighter than ever
that is when the stars
shine their brightest.

There's nothing as strong
As the cravings I have for you,
Not so much in a way
In which I want to be skin to skin
But just to feel your presence
And know that I'm safe if you're here
I want your eyes looking at mine
Before we smile and laugh
Your hand in mine
Absent-mindedly tracing shapes
With your thumb, as always
I crave most of all
Your heart
Because you already have mine
I'll admit, there's no hunger
Quite like love.

a concept: the sky is so blue, there is an ocean in the sky. I reach up and my hand comes away wet, there is stardust on my fingers.

a concept: There are eyes looking at me, the colour changes, but not the love. Never the love.

a concept: I can stare at the sun for hours with no pain, the sunlight is leaking into my body. I am glowing golden.

a concept: I cannot see the sky for the trees stretch ever onwards, I can feel the hum of the earth and mother nature blows me kisses in the wind.

a concept: My fingers are clasped around another's hands, they trace circles on my palm. My heart beats and I am finally happy about that.

I had jinxed it, this sunlight in me, with my hopeful words
and blissful smiles. how naive, to think
that the shadows ensnaring my soul would relinquish
such hard-won prey
I will curl into myself
hollow every artery, every vein if i have to
just to get this darkness out of me
the skies are cloudy once more
and the rain never seems to stop

I am a part of the 90's generation. Born to the world in the midst of heartaches and solitude. We dwell in shadows to hide our eyes from the brutal sunlight and we shy away from the darkness that corrupts and destroys. Through the fog that clouds our judgement we see ourselves and collapse any reflective surface that shows the satin devils in our iris. We break mirrors and hearts along our way and indulge ourselves in life's only certainty:
Self hate rules all.

Concept: I am unravelling, seeing particles on my fingertips drifting like dust in sunlight. I am in all sorts of directions. There is no more pain.

Losing a father
isn't like having your pet die
you don't just grieve
and then get over it
you get home
and your house smells of death
and there is an absence
in your heart, in your life
that cannot be filled by anything
Losing a father
especially like I did,
when I was so young
i was old enough to remember him
but not old enough
to have any amazing memories with him
I lost a father
and I feel that loss
every **** day
its an ache in my chest
its an empty void, a chasm,
in my bleak life
I lost a father to death
and the pain will stay
until I am lost to death, too.

She was the sort of girl who wore her pain like a mask. Concealing every flicker of hope that could show, in case the demons that lurked in corners snatched that hope away and gobbled it up into their ever-hungry bellies. She was the girl who saw constellations in the faces of those she loved most but black holes in her own irises, and the all too familiar fear that was like a second shadow to her, cloaking her and making her see cities burn in her dreams and worlds die at her feet. She was the storm and the calm, broken and whole. She was all and nothing at once, and when that was too much pressure she became the whirlpool of pain she had always kept leashed. This girl collapsed in on herself and the world held its breath until she resurfaced.
It is still holding its breath.

It breaks my heart when I hear that you don't think you're beautiful, because darling, you are.  Let me explain... your hair is the colour of caramel and hot tea,  soft as silk and shimmering in the daylight as though it had been injected with the sun itself,  your eyes like the Caribbean Sea,  an alien blue that is more graceful than jewels and more lively than the tide, yet people will still be swept away in their beauty. You've got a smile like an angel that is more infectious than your laughter,  which sounds like bells and joy cascading from lips that are a gateway to every perfect word that escapes your lungs. You're beautiful in your body and how it looks as though it was hand crafted by God himself with all the grace of an artist.  A body that turns heads and hearts, making boys become putty in your hands. You are beautiful and elegant and you need to see that because I assure you, everyone else does.