let me tell you how it all happened
they'll tend to tell you bullies caused it
or that everyone has the same experience
and it starts because
other people
forced it to
but what i have to tell you
is that i did it to
myself
i'm a turncoat
to my own flesh
i would look in the mirror and see
a gut
and suddenly
that was all i could see
no matter if my calves were toned
or my arms were sticks
i saw that gut
or my
curdled thighs
and that was all
so i'd say i wasn't hungry
or i'd "sleep" through a meal
and i'd work extra hard at practice
pretend i wasn't always run down
and even if i'd pass out
or struggle to stay awake
i'd pretend like it was sleep
i was depriving myself of sleep
and you know that cycle
in every anorexic girl's story
where her body bloats before it thins
because it's trying to protect her
i went harder in that stage
so i could lose the weight that made me a 2
instead of 00
and i would cry myself to sleep
because i was in pain
mental
and physical
but i couldn't stop the
taunts
i gave
myself
my dad would tell my friends
to make sure i would
eat
but i never listened
and now i look back
and see my former shell-f
a self that had no self
a self that was only
a shell
a turncoat
anorexic