when we dated
i didn't know who i was
i knew who you were
and i liked it
but no matter what i told you
about me
no matter how much you
came to know
you never really
knew me
because i could never show you
who i was
since even i had
no idea

after you dumped me
i found myself
because i had the time
to focus on me
instead of us
and now i can see
that we were never really
meant to be
because i need a complement
like we are geometry
but with you
i had a congruent shape
that only sat with me
instead of making me whole

let me tell you how it all happened

they'll tend to tell you bullies caused it
or that everyone has the same experience
and it starts because
other people
forced it to

but what i have to tell you
is that i did it to
myself
i'm a turncoat
to my own flesh

i would look in the mirror and see
a gut
and suddenly
that was all i could see

no matter if my calves were toned
or my arms were sticks
i saw that gut
or my
curdled thighs
and that was all

so i'd say i wasn't hungry
or i'd "sleep" through a meal
and i'd work extra hard at practice
pretend i wasn't always run down

and even if i'd pass out
or struggle to stay awake
i'd pretend like it was sleep
i was depriving myself of sleep

and you know that cycle
in every anorexic girl's story
where her body bloats before it thins
because it's trying to protect her

i went harder in that stage
so i could lose the weight that made me a 2
instead of 00
and i would cry myself to sleep
because i was in pain
mental
and physical

but i couldn't stop the
taunts
i gave
myself

my dad would tell my friends
to make sure i would
eat
but i never listened

and now i look back
and see my former shell-f
a self that had no self
a self that was only

a shell

a turncoat

anorexic

the ground is cold
like the fire of my heart
that has dimmed since you
left

and the soil is soaked
with melting fragments
of you
and freezing cold reminders
of all i have
left

and spring is coming
new life
rebirth
but all i have
is the cold
fragments
of earth
and you
the only fragments
i have
left

my head keeps
running
exercising more than i do
constantly coming back
like a treadmill
to you
and it keeps going on
and on
unable to stop thinking
about how you make me smile
or how i
can't meet your eyes
embarrassed you'll see
that my pupils dilate
when i look at you

and my hands are knotted
together
so i don't reach out
so i don't
throw myself
into your arms
where i am
comfortable
and safe

and my heart is beating unnaturally
it's fast
and slow
all at one
fast when it catches up
to my running brain
but slow when it sees
you
and doesn't want to stop
looking

and my feet want to run
away from you
so that my heart
and hands
and head
don't have to suffer
but they always
plant themselves
outnumbered
three to one
unable to turn away
from you

the problem is
my mouth will never
tell you the struggles
my entire body
is subjected to
my feet and head are running
in different directions
and my heart and hands are grasping
at straws
at you
at the one i'd never
tell

i am
legally blind
blind like the blindness of love
when you're driving in the summer,
windows down,
breathlessly scream-singing
the warm air almost stinging
and him
sitting next to you
his smile so bright it
blinds you to reality
and he puts his hand on your thigh
and you don't think about
the germs
or any logistics
you're just
thinking about him
and what you could be
and you don't want the summer to end
but you always remember
that it always
has to end

and you're blind in that car
unable to see the future
the end
anything but him
and the road
racing towards you and then
flying away
and the trees
chasing your car
without slowing
or stopping
and you're blind about the past
ignoring everything telling you
this won't work out either
because it's gone
puffing out the exhaust pipe
draining like the antifreeze leak
you've never bothered to fix

i am legally blind
i can't always see everything
and i realize that
but
when i'm with him
i can see everything
so clearly
i forget to remember
i can't even
see

sometimes
                                                       ­                         my
                                     ­ brain
                       doesn’t
                                                       ­     work

right
                                                ­                               and

                             my

                                              thoughts

     ­                                         scatter

               ­                                                    like
                               beads

                                     spilled
                               on
                                                              ­                 tile

floor