i'll sleep with you tonight
so i can try to find
some extra time
to buy myself
an extra life
so i can make you feel alive.
so i can bring you back to life.

i go to sleep at half past nine
so you find me asleep just fine
like you have at least every other night
since our last fight

i'll try to make my best amends.
i'll try and try and try again.
until you can finally find the lies
that you were living in

when you finally saw through to me
i swore that i could cross the sea.
but i never saw it truthfully.
i told you that i'd be just fine
when i felt like i would die
i told you that i'd be alright
so i could comfort you at night
so alongside you, i could lie
for the rest of my life.

i slept with you every night
just so you could try to fight
and live to see the burning light
of the rising sun at its height

i'll sleep with you again tonight
like we did, before you died.

i'll sleep with you every night
and try to find some peace of mind
i'll miss you every single night.
until the night that i can find
myself laying by your side.
until the night i finally die.

~

p.s. i loved you, at least a little

when i see you,
it's all i do.
when i think,
of how i loved you,
it was all i knew.

so remember,
next i see you,
i'll always love you.
it's
all
i
do.

i've hated everybody
since polaroids of fake friends and birthdays
decorated the inside of my locker door
ever since i'd empty the medicine drawer
take too many pills, then take more
and be found on my bathroom floor
-
i've loved every person i've ever met
since my wide eyes eyed every girl as a king's bride
ever since my wide mind contemplated your  two iride sunshines
i'd gaze and stare into them until i went blind
and i could've looked into those eyes until the day i died, if i tried
you gave me bright butterflies, like a white river at sunrise
you were the rapid current, and i made sure to capsize

with wide, bright eyes
i'd go wonderblind, every time
obsessed with the gift of your iride skies
even when i cried, even when i tried my best not to lie
you opened your eyes, basking my skies with your iride sunshine
ever since polaroids of shy walks home
and safely locked medicine drawers
you always saved me
under the guise
of iride butterflies~

do you remember when you lost it?
when you would take me hostage?
when you turned caustic?
you used my presence as your very own mental whetstone.
you called yourself psychotic,
called our words cautious, hypnotic,
but they were toxic.
they were exhaustive.
talks of the atlantic,
and how i'd cross it.
"don't worry, my flight stops in austin,
and then again in boston, i promise.
honest, i'll even book in august."
but then we tossed it,
there was a line,
and you crossed it.
sometimes you got so reckless, so hostile,
that i felt like your chaperone.
we both had to learn how to grow,
living in time zones of our own.
the air turned cold,
when we let our emotions show.
but i was lonely too,
so at least you weren't alone.
you acted as my bright summer sun,
setting my world aglow.
but every time you said hello,
i remembered how much i missed the snow.

i love the universe-
but she makes my conscience hurt.
she turns me around,
and she pins me down.
it makes me feel like dirt.

i try not to love her,
but she whispers such sweet words.
and when she starts to flirt,
i start to convert,
and it makes it so much worse.

i hate the universe-
she's someone that i don't deserve.
she starts to get manic,
and i turn panic,
and every word starts to sound rehearsed.

she is my universe-
and every time that we converse,
my thoughts turn perverse,
her mind inverts,
and my fragile heart starts to burst.

time to waste,
a heart to beat.

a god defaced,
now obsolete.

a faith erased,
believed deceit.

as is death without grace,
to pray is to accept defeat.

black in my mind,
darkness in sight,
i've long gone blind.

to me you were bright,
beautiful, unrefined.
harsh, but always kind.

we laughed together,
like two birds sharing the same feather.
what a tragedy, majesty displayed,
every time we flew, never in fair weather.

i love to scar,
with a heart too soft,
and lost thoughts too far-off.
on ripped paper,
i think too endlessly.
with a mind bursting at the seams,
longing for a heart full of gold,
to rip me from my daydreams.
to open my view, to see,
with eyes far too cold,
to see anything we could've been.

woke up ill,
almost hope it's terminal.
that's probably a sign.
find the bathroom door,
rummage through the messy medicine drawer,
there's four blue, but only one white pill more,
no luck this time, i need a refill.
i'll head to the store.
the walk's uphill.
typical.

i want to take you to a babbling creek.
to play hopscotch on lily pads,
and maybe dance through cattails,
to forget what makes us sad.

What I can give is more than you can take.
I love you.
Alone in life, we've only made a few mistakes.
I hate you.
All inside, a gutterpipe dreamscape.
Love *****.
My ***** mirror has never looked so clear.
Love rules.
For every denial, grow two checkmates.
I love you.
It was just a gutterpipe dreamscape.
I hate me.
What we made, an inkling of what we could create.
Die young.
Eyes never locked, our stares were blank.
Live forever,
Together. In our gutterpipe dreamscape.

maybe you wanted it,
maybe you didn't;
to split.
i tried to keep my hopes hidden,
for a thoughtful misfit,
and a dancer from britain,
to just admit it.
but it seemed so forbidden.
and now they're both sad hypocrites,
so it's been coincidentally omitted.
so i'm done with it,
for the sake of the ransacked
musings on stagnation,
the hex-codes,
and the hopes of damnation.
the things i miss most,
are simply our conversations.
~

I'm going back
to the start,
I don't know
where we fell apart,
But I'm so glad
that you broke my heart.
Ripped it up,
tore it apart,
took the pieces
and made it into art.

-------------------
your sweet, lips,
forming into sick,
kiss.
your brown eyes insist,
on swallowing me into
your abyss.
this,
bliss
is purely just a glitch
surely can't exist,
but it sorely will be missed.
i know, this:
we clearly can't coexist,
no matter how much we resist
no matter how much we wish,
this rift,
just can't be dismissed.
it's not a simple slip
that can easily be fixed,
it's a partnership apocalypse.
we're living in a counterfeit relationship.

i've given in
to your selfish pride
i don't know
how to apologize
for my selfless lies
i never meant
to make you cry
why'd you even
let me
try

red bathwater
momma's gone
never gave her daughter
that gift she bought her
doesn't make her a monster
she thought she was stronger
but she just couldn't take it any longer

our goldfish memories
are broken
shattered dreams

of a cabin
in the woods

we scavenged
all we could
-
your mirrored reveries
of gold plates
and sweetened tea

in a palace
in the woods

you shattered
what you could

every time i stop and think,
every time i split my seams,
every time i fall asleep,
i see enemies in my dreams.
i lie awake at night.
to keep away,
from my fate,
to hide,
from my inner face.
and every day,
i doze off.
to alien places,
with evil eyes,
and wicked faces,
to try to stay away,
from my head's unwelcoming voices.
sleep, please keep at bay.
i'm already well aware,
of how afraid i am of the day.
my daydreams turn to nightmares,
and night terrors to reveries.
lines blur, visions cross,
asleep, awake, alive or dead.
and these days,
when i daydream in my head,
it's never felt like such a prison.
at the rate i'm wasting away,
i'll feel more safe,
when i'm closest to dead.
but never, never ever,
asleep in my bed.

you'll try to talk again.
so i can forgive,
and forget, every word you said.

so we can die,
comfortably,
in the crawlspace in my head.

i seat it in the back row
and i try not to stare
but i know that it's there

i'll blame it on the front row
when i don't even care
but i know that it's there

it's creeping in the back row
and i try not to share
but i know that it's there

i guess it's just who we are
i guess i'm worse for ware
and i know that it's here

it takes a seat in the front row
and i can't help but to stare
because i know that it's there

walk with the wind,
against the water's current.
trudge towards your gutter.
***** others in blind hope,
hope to high godless heaven,
that you're mad enough to pass as a purist.
...---...
find your gutter, close the shutters,
hide until the heavy wind deadens.
let your safe haven cave in,
bask in the mindless clutter.
become a fallen angel in your own armageddon.
-
...---...

you're scared.
you're scared,
why are you so scared?
there'd be no problem if you didn't care.

-
sometimes i get tired of working,
i'd like to be more free.
not spilling paint,
dotting i's or crossing t's.
so i take a walk, make some tea,
stretch my knees and try to breathe.
-
the warmth of this unsteady breeze,
puts me at ease, it could put me to sleep.
i feel at home among these sad, sleeping trees.
i wonder what gets them down,
or maybe they're just having bad dreams.

dear weeping willows,
of what do you dream?
a cold night of lonely moonbeams,
or of dead tiger lilies floating downstream?
i hope you're happier than you seem.
dear dreaming willows,
why do you weep?

I've never liked role models.
I don't like people,
or those who tell me how to be,
or what to do.
Honestly, I'm me,
not you.
"Be a role model, you've got to!"
So I set myself as an example,
of what not to do.
Found myself becoming,
a goal that you shouldn't pursue.
Tattoos,
torn shoes,
and a couple loose screws.
I might not be much to aspire to,
but I don't regret it,
there's nothing I'd undo.

i'm just a blip,
just a glitch,
an oddity in a system of regret.
an event that someone's trying to forget.

feel the teeth sink in,
rip word from bone,
crush heart and tear through skin.

put down the phone.

let the words sink in.
narrow down the voices in your head,
force yourself to feel alone.

don't let the pain show.

put pen to paper,
let your mind pour out,
from word to world.

inhale-
1 2 3 4

open the back door,
smell the dying plum blossoms.
take a few steps, or try to.

exhale-
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

gaze up at the sky.
do the clouds still look red?
no, but that one looks like a wishbone.

keep walking.

smile at the single dad,
he could use it, you know it.
plus his nirvana t-shirt is pretty rad.

keep smiling.

falling leaves make little ripples,
in the puddles in the road gully.
overcast days always make for the best reflections.

-
this shouldn't need to be routine.

warm night,
time to write.
she'll be on soon.
i'll try to be less polite.
we should bring up plans,
since we're so easy to excite.
i'm not a white knight,
she's just frustrated.
i was right,
i'm still being too nice.
how much is the flight?
i guess i'll see her in winter.
don't worry, i'll be alright,
i swear i've done it before.
nothing will happen, not tonight.
no, no, please go ahead.
i've got time, it's only midnight.
my words sound like color?
to me they look black and white.
we've passed all the time,
it's almost light.
i guess it's time for bed,
goodnight.

I read a lot of poetry,
and there's a someone,
who's always written about.
Her name is "she",
but who could she be?

Who's she?
She's not a he,
she's definitely not me.
There's hundreds, thousands of poems,
about her, how special could she possibly be?

I wonder what she's like,
do you think she'd like it?
The way that my hair curls on the sides?
Maybe she's beautiful,
or maybe just has a sharp wit?

I wonder if she knows how to ride a bike,
or if she could cook pancakes better than I can (somehow)
Truly, I really wonder what she's like.

i see saggy cargo pants, marijuana and at least three mall grips.
some pseudo outcast cool kids carving out skidmarks,
painting the concrete waves with wheels and their bloodstains.

hey look at that guy in the corner,
he just bought two burnt spoonfuls of a score.
it doesn't look like he can take any more, though.

or the guys playing six tricks roulette,
on a quarterpipe, on a bet,
for a cheap pack of cigarettes.

With every piece of toast,
comes the death of bread.

i'm getting tired of it,
waking up once a day,
feeling dead and forever unpleasant.
i love too much,
i'm not much pride to swallow.
let your roots grow into me,
feel yourself waste away.
we wept, sea between beds,
always but a dream never to be seized,
nothing is forever.

hope i die.
wish i might,
pass to soul,
and move to light.
toss my heart,
please don't cry.
don't give up on me,
before tonight.

I see a dull rainbow,
in the bright black sky.
I see your dying face,
with my crying mind's eye.

-
with dark brown eyes,
you searched,
for someone,
for god,
for light.
with deep brown eyes,
you saw me.
in me you found,
cold hallways,
broken tiles,
but never light.

with tired green eyes,
i searched,
for someone,
for warmth,
for you.
with vacant green eyes,
i found nothing.
all i ever wanted,
was nothing.
in you i found,
something.

with boring, sad eyes,
we pondered.
on death,
on love,
on us.

with wide, bright eyes-

we awoke from our own dreams,
in messy sheets far from heaven.
we wept, sea between beds,
feeling dead and forever unpleasant,
from too many words and antidepressants.

I've got some bad habits.
I always feel bad,
My family hates me,
And I've never been rad.
Most my friends have been to rehab.
But I like my bad habits.
I'm made of bad habits.
Waking up once a day,
Wasting all my talent,
Sleeping all day,
Thinking all night.
They're all bad habits.
I've always been made of bad habits.
Never had a reason to feel glad,
Too empathetic or apathetic.
Had to quit school cause I went mad,
I tend to love being sad,
and I've never had a dad.
I have some bad habits,
But I love my bad habits.
I love too much,
I'm too alone to have a crush,
And I'm always out of luck,
But I still try anyways.
And they're my bad habits.
I am my bad habits.

i'm getting tired of it.
not in an angry way,
it's just taxing,
to do this one-sided back and forth.

echoes of ****** ghost town mysteries
  devolving into our lonely synergy
where we can constantly misdemean each other in our gutter schemes
of battling anger with dreams,
  never again to split the seams,
   never again to be seen

please, hear my plea.
i never knew what we could or couldn't be.
  i just wish you could see me
   i am what you almost are and yet everything you're not,
tie my tongue, twist my heart, knot it up and let it rot

"maybe i'll get shot" we stockpiled musings on dying young,
seemingly out of all the time we thought we bought
you are an alleyway thought bay,
  forever haunting me enough to keep all my other ghosts away

  "the world is ending in all my dreams"
  i crushed what i had left of you, you'd never let me stay
we were a walking paradox, never nothing,
always but a dream never to be siezed

"we"
what a lonely synergy